he ask me

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, “Where did you get that turkey?”
The boy replied, “What turkey?”
The game warden said, “That turkey you’re carrying under your arm.”
The boy looks down and said, “Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!”
The game warden said, “Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I’m going to do to you.
If you break his wing, I’ll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I’ll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?”
The little boy said, “I guess I’ll just kiss his ass and let him go!”
--An Elder And His Son Were Herding Sheep--
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew.
The older man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated.
“What are these guys in the big suits doing?”
A member of the crew said they were practising for their trip to the moon.
The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it.
He refused.
The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder’s message.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator.
His translation of the old man’s message was:
“Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land.”

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happy grandpa

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, “I have a 22 year old wife at home.

She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”

I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”

He said, “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.”

I said, “Well, why are you crying?”

He said, “For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours”

I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”

He said, “I can’t remember where I live!”
--One night a little girl walks in on her parents having s'e'x--
The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.

“What are you doing, Mommy?”

The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.

“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”

The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
--A man is in a hotel lobby--
He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

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my grandma was so gentle

A woman is at the funeral of her husband, everyone is going up to say kind words about him, when one man turns around to the wife and says,

“Would you mind if i went up and said a few words?”

She replied, “Of course not, please feel free to.” So the man walks up to the front of the church and says into the microphone, “Plethora.”and sits back down.
Once he gets back to his seat, the wife is in tears and she says, “Thank you so much, that means a lot.”
--That Rubber Thingy--
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.
As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.
As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says,

“If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.”

The old man snaps back,

“Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!”

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An Irish daughter

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

Where have ye been all this time, child?

Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn’t ye call?

Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?”

The girl, crying, replied:

“Dad… I became a pro s /tit /ute.”

Ye what!? Get out a here, ye sha/mel/ess har lot! Sin ner!

“You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”

“OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate.

For me little brother, this gold Rolex.

And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.”

“What was it ye said ye had become?” says Dad.

Girl, crying again:

“A prost!tute, Daddy!.”

Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Prot::es::tant!

Come here and give yer old Dad a hug
-- A man and his wife went to the zoo.--
They found a Monkey who was passionately playing with his female.

His wife said to him,

“What a romantic animal.”

Then, they found a Lion and his Lioness separated from each other; the silent Lion sat alone in his corner as if the Lioness doesn’t exist.

His wife said to him,

“What a sad scene without love.”

Her husband then said to her,

“Throw that stone at the Lioness and watch.”

When she threw the stone at the Lioness, the Lion roared to defend his Lioness, then she was asked to repeat it with the Monkey, the Monkey then jumped up and climbed the tree and abandoned his female to save his own skin.

Her husband then told her,

“Do not be deceived by what you see as romance in outward show, oftentimes, it is a deceptive appearance just to hide an empty heart; there are others on the contrary who are relaxed, but their hearts are full of sincere love.”

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a wife ask the husband

 A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.

  He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.

 He left for the office. 

  The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.

  Soon they became friends. In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.

  She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.   The Girl responded; “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. 

  I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house” The woman agreed. 

A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.

 The Girl jumped into the front passenger seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.

 Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.

 When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife. 

Nothing much was said along the way. 

He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house. 

The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home? If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home? What would you do if you are the wife?

 --A Boy Decides To Learn The Language Of All Animals.-- 

 A boy decides to learn the language of all animals. 

– Dad, there is a school where you can learn the language of animals. 

Please, give me money to go there and study. 

Fathers agree and give him money After a year, the son returns home and the father decides to test his skills -Son, did you learn the language? -Yes father. Do you hear the cow mooing? She says that she is about to give you 10 litres of milk.

 -That’s impossible, this cow can give no more than a litre. 

Dad milked the cow and it actually gave him 10 litres of milk Dad’s super confused but decided that it was a coincidence -Do you hear that hen?

 She says that she is about to lay 5 eggs now -That’s impossible, that hen has never laid any eggs before. 

Dad still goes there and checks for the eggs and there actually are 5 eggs laid Dad is confused but starts to believe his son The second day son sees a donkey running away from his dad and hee-hawing.

 Dad trying to pull up his trousers and chase the donkey and screaming to his son: – Don’t trust this donkey, she’s lying, don’t believe it son.

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a women and his husband

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light...
"No madam," said the gardener.
--Her husband had been slipping--
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!

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fred came to home

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked.

"No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son."

"Well, obviously!"

She gasped. "What do you mean?"

"It was your idea in the first place! You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him. I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred."

--A grandfather asks his grandchild to bring him the blue pill and he would put 50€ in his wallet--

The grandchild after searching for that blue pill in the whole neighborhood, finally finds it and gives it to his grandfather

Next morning he wakes up and finds 350€ in his wallet instead of 50€

Being confused about that goes to his grandfather and explains him what happened

Then his grandfather tells him "I put only 50€...

...The rest 300€ were put by your grandma"

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the young couple

Wife sent text to husband
“Hi I will get late, please cook dinner, then wash all dirty dishes and make sure you prepare our bed and put kids to sleep before I return…..

She sent another text,

“And I forgot to mention…. I have also bought a bottle of BLUE LABEL PREMIUM SCOTCH WHISKY for you……

He texted _“ really ?”

She replied, “No…. I just wanted to make sure you got my first message”
--The woman seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers--
A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” he replied.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes. I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the flustered bartender managed to stammer.

“Tell him,” she whispered, “There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

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couple visit their friends

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what!
Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."

"But why?" asked the startled father.
"Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."
"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."
--The old man says to the woman--
There’s an elderly man and woman sitting in the sun room of a retirement home.
The old man says to the woman, “For five dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that rocking chair over there.
For ten dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that couch.

But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you’ll never forget.”

The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.

The man says, “So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?”

The woman replies, “No, I want four times in the rocker.”

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80 old man want married

A 70-year-old man has never been married.

One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight.

They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?”

“Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man.

“The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -”

His friend interrupts him.

“A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?”
“Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday.”

--Family Visiting--

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
 From under the blanket she notices four legs instead of two!

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

-Hi darling, he says,

-Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.

Hope you said hello to them.

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