Garth and his wife having dinner

Garth and his wife Sadie are having dinner at an upmarket restaurant in Melbourne, when an attractive young redhead walks by, smiles at Garth and says, “Hello Garth.”

Sadie immediately asks, “And who was that girl who just spoke to you?”

Garth replies, “Oh her, that’s my girlfriend.”

“You have a mistress? I don’t believe you. How long has this been going on?” says Sadie.

“About ten years, on and off.” answers Garth.

“Ten years?”, says Sadie. “You swine! I’ll see a solicitor tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. I’ll ruin you, you wait and see.”

“Now hold on Sadie,” responds Garth, “just think about it for a minute. If we get a divorce, you will only get only half of what we have together now.

You won’t have our big house in Homestead, you’ll no longer get a new Lexus as your birthday present from me each year, you won’t be able to play golf all day with your friends, you won’t …”

But before Garth can continue, a blonde walks past and says to him, “Hello, nice to see you again.”

Sadie asks, “And who was that, another of your ‘girls’?”

Garth replies, “No, that’s Harry’s mistress.”

“You mean that Harry also has a mistress?” says Sadie, surprised.
Garth answers, “Of course, she’s been with him for nearly twelve years.”
Sadie then says, proudly, “I like ours a lot better.”
--Farmer Joe had a nagging wife--
Farmer Joe had a nagging wife who made his life miserable.
The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.
One day when he was out in the field, Joe’s wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.

Suddenly, Joe’s old mule kicked up his back legs, striking her in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Joe’s minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Joe he would nod his head up and down.

But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Joe and asked “Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?”

“Well,” Joe replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, “Is that mule for sale?”

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Elderly Women Were Having A Lunch

Two elderly women were having a late lunch and a drink at a local pub one afternoon when Ethel noticed something funny about Mable’s ear and said,

“Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”

Mable answered,

“I have? A suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said,
“Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”
--A Housewife Takes A Lover During The Day--
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “My dad’s outside.”

Man: “OK, how much?”

Boy: “£250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes, it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “I’ll tell.”

Man: “How much?”

Boy: “£750.”

Man: “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy,

“Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”

The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The son says, “£1,000.”

The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again!!”

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dan and the wife

Dan married one of a pair of identical twins.
Less then a year later he was in court filing for divorce.
"Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said.
"Well, Your Honor," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical twins, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.

"Exactly, Your Honor. That's why I want the divorce.
--After a long night of making love--
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.

“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.

“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”

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