husband and his wife

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light...
"No madam," said the gardener.
--Her husband had been slipping--



Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!

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my husband is handsome

Sue phones her husband at work, “Dan, do you have time for a chat?”

“Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting.”

“But this won’t take long,” Sue says, “I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news.”
“I really haven’t the time,” says Dan, “so just quickly tell me the good news.”
“Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your brand new Mercedes works very well.”
--A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning--
A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.
After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.
“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”
“Simple. I’m not going.”

“Why not?”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.

First of all, the church is cold in the morning.

It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.

Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.

And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going.

First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.

Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”

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the farmer

The mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of their home. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly

to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.

To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable for the farmer and his

new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman

would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "the women would say, 'what a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say:

'Sorry, I can't do it...It's booked up for a year...'
--Let me explain--
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,

\- "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

\- "I had tolio as a child," he answered.

\- "You mean polio?" she asked.

\- "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

\- "What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

\- "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

\- "You mean measles?" she asked.

\- "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

\- "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess…. Smallcox?" 

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couple had breakfast

rustic wooden table, young and in love, embarking on a journey together,” he reminisced, his eyes glinting with nostalgia.

As the sun streamed through the kitchen window, illuminating the room with a golden hue, Helen traced the rim of her teacup, a small smile playing on her lips. “It feels like yesterday, doesn’t it?” she mused, her voice tinged with warmth.

They both gazed at each other, sharing a lifetime of memories etched within their eyes.

“Fifty years of laughter, tears, joys, and challenges,” Helen continued, her voice tinged with emotion. “We’ve weathered storms and celebrated triumphs, always together.”

Her husband, George, reached across the table, taking her hand tenderly. “Our journey has been woven with threads of love and understanding. Remember the struggles we faced, yet the strength we found in each other?”

The room seemed to embrace their history, the love that had grown deeper with time palpable in the air.

“Yes, dear,” George nodded. “We’ve seen the world change, witnessed moments that shaped history, and nurtured a family that has brought us immense pride.”

Their conversation meandered through cherished memories, from the birth of their children to the countless family gatherings around this very table. The echoes of laughter and the bittersweet symphony of life lingered in the air.

“We’ve learned that love isn’t just a feeling; it’s a choice, a commitment,” Helen remarked, her eyes glimmering with wisdom earned through decades of shared experiences. “It’s about understanding, compromise, and unwavering support.”

George nodded in agreement, his heart swelling with gratitude for the remarkable woman seated across from him. “And through it all, you’ve been my rock, my confidante, my best friend,” he whispered, his voice filled with tenderness.

Their love story, a tapestry woven with dedication and unwavering devotion, had become an inspiration to those around them.
As they finished their breakfast, Helen gazed at George, her heart full of gratitude. “Here’s to fifty more years,” she said, a playful twinkle in her eye.

George chuckled softly, his love for her radiating. “Indeed, my love. Here’s to many more chapters in our beautiful journey together.”

Their laughter filled the room, a testament to the enduring power of love, commitment, and the timeless beauty of a relationship that had stood the test of fifty remarkable years.
--Feel Like A Woman--
On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it!
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

He's drop-dead gorgeous.

Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt.
Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Here, iron this."

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little grandma

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She proclaims, "I want to join your biker club"....


The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her, "You have a bike"....?

The little old lady says, "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway....

The biker asks her "Do you smoke"...?

The little old lady says, "Yea, I smoke.

I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool".....

The biker is impressed and asks, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz".....?

--A Little Boy Said To A Little Girl--
The little old lady says, "No, never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times"......!!!

A little boy said to a little girl:
– I’m your BF !

The little girl asked:

– What is BF ?
The boy laughed and answered:
– That means Best Friend.
They later dated, the young man said to the girl:
– I am your BF !
The girl leaned lightly on the boy’s shoulder, shyly asked:
– What is BF ?
The boy replied:
– It’s Boy Friend !
A few years later they got married, had lovely children, and the husband smiled again and told his wife: – I am your BF !
The wife gently asked her husband:
– What is BF ?
The husband looked at the lovely and happy children and replied:
– It’s Baby’s father !
As they get old, they sit together and watch the sunset on the front porch, and the old man tells his wife:
– Honey ! I am your BF !
The old woman smiled with wrinkles on her face:
– What is BF ?
The old man smiled happily and gave a mysterious answer:
– Be Forever !
When the dying old man also said: – I am your BF.
The old woman replied with a sad voice: – What is BF ??
The old man answered and then closed his eyes:
– It’s Bye Forever !
A few days later, the old woman also passed away. Before closing her eyes, the old woman whispered by the old man’s grave:

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old women have lunch

Two elderly women were having a late lunch and a drink at a local pub one afternoon when Ethel noticed something funny about Mable’s ear and said,

“Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”

Mable answered,

“I have? A suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said,
“Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”
--A Housewife Takes A Lover During The Day--
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “My dad’s outside.”

Man: “OK, how much?”

Boy: “£250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes, it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “I’ll tell.”

Man: “How much?”

Boy: “£750.”

Man: “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy,

“Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”

The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The son says, “£1,000.”

The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again!!”

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husband and his wife

A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.

After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.

“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”

“Simple. I’m not going.”

“Why not?”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.

First of all, the church is cold in the morning.

It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.

Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.

And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going.
First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.
Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”
--Jesus Moses and an old man go golfing--
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses.
He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.

Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.

Jesus closes his eyes and prays.

The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the h*le.

The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball.

The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water.

A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.

As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.

As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the h*le, making a h*le in one.

Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!”

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my husband with his girlfriend

A young man finally got a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex.

To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.

Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburn on his “tool of the trade”.

But, he was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauz

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, however, the young man’s sunburn started acting up again.

He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his member immersed in a glass of milk.
Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, “So that’s how you guys load those things
--A Rich Dude And His Wife Were Having Dinner--
A rich dude and his wife were having dinner at a fancy joint.
This absolutely stunning young woman comes over to the table,

gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at him: “Who the hell was that ?

“Oh”, replies the husband casually, “She’s my mistress.”

“Why you son of a bitch, that’s the last straw” says the wife.

“I’m done with you, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” he sez, “but remember,

divorce means no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados,

no more summers in Tuscany, no more new Jaguars in the garage at Christmas and no more yacht club.

But, the decision is yours, my dear.”

At that moment, George, a friend of husband, shows up at the same restaurant with a gorgeous blonde babe on his arm.

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my mother is parking

An old lady was stopped to pull into a parking space
when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.
The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said,
“I was going to park there!”
The man was a real smart alec and he said,
“That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.”
“Well, this really upset the lady, even more,
So she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and ploughed straight into his Mercedes.
The young man ran back to his car and asked,
“What did you do that for?”
The little old lady smiled and told him,
“That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”
--An Arrogant Professor Gets A Seat Beside An Old Man --
An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat beside an old man.
Mid-flight, the professor decides to play a game with the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says:
“Hey, do you want to play a little game with me?”
The old man looks at him and says: “Depends. What type of game?”
The professor goes on to explain the game:
“Taking turns, we’ll ask each other one question at a time. If the other knows the answer, the asker gives him one dollar, and if he doesn’t, he gives one dollar to the asker. Want to play?”
The professor grins, knowing his general knowledge is vastly superior.
To his dismay, the old man refuses! Determined to make him agree, the professor raises the stakes for him.
“If I lose, I ‘ll give you two dollars instead of one!”

“No.”
“Five dollars!”
“No.”
“Ten dollars!”
“I told you, no.”
Desperate, the professor makes one final offer: “If I lose, I’ll give you a hundred dollars, and if you lose you’ll only give me one!”

The professor pleads. The old man ponders this, and then sighs. “Only if I get to start”, and the professor immediately agrees.
“Ask away”, the professor says, confident he’ll never lose.
The old man asks: “What has five heads, forty feet, and lives inside of a bucket?”
The professor turns the riddle over in his head, trying to find anything that fits the description.

After an hour of intense concentration, the professor gives up. G rumbling, he pulls out his wallet and gives the old man $100.

He wastes no time and asks him: “So what has five heads, forty feet, and lives inside of a bucket?”
The old man smiles, shrugs and says:
“I’ve got no idea. Here’s your dollar.”

GR

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my grandmother

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:

Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $ 100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $ 96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $ 4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!
-- An Old Man, Who Just Moved To Montana--
An old cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the old cowboy,
“You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The old man replies,
“Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The old man becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
“I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The old man looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains.
“It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”
“It hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

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the parents of fred

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked.

"No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son."

"Well, obviously!"

She gasped. "What do you mean?"

"It was your idea in the first place! You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him. I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred."

--A grandfather asks his grandchild to bring him the blue pill and he would put 50€ in his wallet--

The grandchild after searching for that blue pill in the whole neighborhood, finally finds it and gives it to his grandfather

Next morning he wakes up and finds 350€ in his wallet instead of 50€

Being confused about that goes to his grandfather and explains him what happened

Then his grandfather tells him "I put only 50€...

...The rest 300€ were put by your grandma"

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grandma and his son

Little Johnny's grandma is visiting...

NSFW: Little Johnny's Grandma is visiting the family for the weekend...

After a nice dinner and chatting, everybody goes to bed; Johnny to his room, his parents to theirs, and Grandma to the guest bedroom.

In the middle of the night, Little Johnny bursts into his parents' room exclaiming, "Mom! Dad! Grandma's got a shrimp!!"

Bleary eyed, they both wake up confused, asking what Johnny could possibly be talking about. "Go back to bed Johnny, it's 2 am.."

"No I'm serious", Johnny insisted. "It's a huge shrimp, you gotta see it!"

Reluctantly, they stumble down the hallway to figure out what Johnny could possibly mean by 'shrimp'.

As they open the guest bedroom door, Mom and Dad gasp. Grandma was snoring away on the bed, spread-eagle and completely naked.

"There it is! That's the shrimp!" Johnny exclaimed, pointing between her legs.

Johnny's parents were mortified, and scrambled to find the words to explain the situation.

"Uhh, Johnny.. That's um.. Well.... You know.. Well you don't but uhh..", Dad stammered.

"It's your Grandma's clitoris Johnny, NOT a shrimp" Mom chimed in. "I'm sorry you had to see that sweetie, let's get you back in bed."

As they closed the door and walked down the hallway, Johnny mutters,

"A clit-oris, huh? Well, it sure *tasted* like a shrimp!"
-- Make more puppies--
Little boy and dad are walking down the street. See 2 dogs fucking.

Kid: what's happening?

Dad: they are making puppies!

Later that night, kid can't sleep. Hears noises from parents' bed room, goes to investigate.

Dad is on top of mom, both naked, grunting.

Kid is shocked!

Kid: WHAT ARE YOU DOING??!!!

Dad: Making you a baby brother! Go away!

Kid goes away, comes back.

Kid: Turn her over! I would rather have a puppy!!

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son and his father

A son took his old father to a restaurant for an evening dinner.

Father being very old and weak, while eating, dropped food on his shirt and trousers.

Other diners watched him in disgust while his son was calm.

After he finished eating, his son who was not at all embarrassed, quietly took him to the washroom,

wiped the food particles, removed the stains, combed his hair and fitted his spectacles firmly.

When they came out, the entire restaurant was watching them in dead silence,

not able to grasp how someone could embarrass themselves publicly like that.

The son settled the bill and started walking out with his father.

At that time, an old man amongst the diners called out to the son and asked him,

“Don’t you think you have left something behind?”.

The son replied, “No sir, I haven’t”.

The old man retorted,

“Yes, you have! You left a lesson for every son and hope for every father”.

The restaurant went silent.

Moral: To care for those who once cared for us is one of the highest honors. We all know, how our parents cared for us for every little things. Love them, respect them, and care for them.
-- When God created woman he was working late on the 6th day…….--

An angel came by and asked.” Why spend so much time on her”
The lord answered. “Have you seen all the specifications I have to meet to shape her”
She must function in all kinds of situations,

She must be able to embrace several kids at the same time,

Have a hug that can heal anything from a bruised knee to a broken heart,

She must do all this with only two hands,”

She cures herself when sick and can work 18 hours a day”

THE ANGEL was impressed”
Just two hands…..impossible!
And this is the standard model”
The Angel came closer and touched the woman”
“But you have made her so soft, Lord”.
“She is soft”, said the Lord,
“But I have made her strong. You can’t imagine what she can endure and overcome”
“Can she think” The Angel asked…
The Lord answered. “Not only can she think, she can reason and negotiate”
The Angel touched her cheeks….
“Lord, it seems this creation is leaking!

You have put too many burdens on her” “She is not leaking…it is a tear” The Lord corrected the Angel…

“What’s it for?” Asked the Angel…..
The Lord said. “Tears are her way of expressing her grief, her doubts, her love, her loneliness, her suffering and her pride.”…
This made a big impression on the Angel,
“Lord, you are a genius. You thought of everything.

A woman is indeed marvellous” Lord said. “Indeed she is.

She has strength that amazes a man.

She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens.

She holds happiness, love and opinions.

She smiles when she feels like screaming. She sings when she feels like crying, cries when happy and laughs when afraid.

She fights for what she believes in.

Her love is unconditional.

Her heart is broken when a next-of-kin or a friend dies but she finds strength to get on with life”

The Angel asked: So she is a perfect being..

The Lord replied: No. She has just one drawback

“She often forgets what she is worth”.!

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a women with her kids

Once upon a time there was a women that was about to have triplets.

In her stomach the babies were talking to each other.

The first baby says “I want to be a plumber, because there is so much water in here”.

The second baby says “I want to be an electrician because it is so dark in here”. And the last baby says “I want to be a hunter,
because if that damn snake comes back in here i’m going to cut it off”.
--Three women are discussing their teenage daughters--
Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: “I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter”s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn’t even know that she smoked!”

“It gets worse than that,” says the second mother. “I was tidying my daughter”s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn’t even know that she drank!”

“Oh, it gets even worse than that,” says the third mother. “I was tidying my daughter”s room last week and you”ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn’t even know that she had a peen'is

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a man visited by his mother

The mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of their home. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly

to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.

To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable for the farmer and his

new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman

would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "the women would say, 'what a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say:

'Sorry, I can't do it...It's booked up for a year...'
--Let me explain--
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,

\- "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

\- "I had tolio as a child," he answered.

\- "You mean polio?" she asked.

\- "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

\- "What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

\- "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

\- "You mean measles?" she asked.

\- "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

\- "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess…. Smallcox?" 

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me and my teacher

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Six.”

Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven!”

Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”
--Funny Joke ‣ Men Being Men--
There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry.
So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.
The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money.

She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man.

She said, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.”

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest.

She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money.

Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

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three old ladies

Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old
The first one said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady says, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”
The third one says, ” Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have any of those problems, knock on wood.” As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said, “That must be the door… I'll get it!”
--What Did You Just Say – Humor--
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him he whispered, eyes full of tears: “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”

“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”

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my men

Sue phones her husband at work, “Dan, do you have time for a chat?”

“Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting.”

“But this won’t take long,” Sue says, “I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news.”
“I really haven’t the time,” says Dan, “so just quickly tell me the good news.”
“Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your brand new Mercedes works very well.”
--A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning--
A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.
After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.
“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”
“Simple. I’m not going.”

“Why not?”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.

First of all, the church is cold in the morning.

It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.

Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.

And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going.

First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.

Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”

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two ladies

Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of a church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing,
These two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs,
“AMEN, BROTHER!”
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again,
“PREACH IT, REVEREND!”
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed,
“RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS… AMEN!”
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet.
One turned to the other and said,
“He’s quit preaching and now he’s meddlin’.”
--A Man Walked Into A Supermarket. --
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A checkout chick walked up to him and said,
“Your barracks door is open.”
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said,
“Your fly is open.”
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the girl was that told him about his “barracks door.”
He was planning to have a little fun with her,
So when he reached the counter he said,
“When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?”
The girl thought for a moment and said:
“No, no I didn’t……. but I saw a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.”.

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the farmer and his women

The mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of their home. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly

to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.

To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable for the farmer and his

new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman

would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "the women would say, 'what a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say:

'Sorry, I can't do it...It's booked up for a year...'
--Let me explain--
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,

\- "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

\- "I had tolio as a child," he answered.

\- "You mean polio?" she asked.

\- "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

\- "What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

\- "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

\- "You mean measles?" she asked.

\- "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

\- "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess…. Smallcox?" 

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wife open the door for her husband

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband.

“I’ve been insulted,” she sobbed.

“Your mother insulted me.”

“My mother!” he exclaimed.

“But she is a hundred miles away.”

“I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it.”

He looked stern, “I see, but where does the insult come in?”

“In the postscript,” she answered.
“It said: ‘Dear Alice, don’t forget to give this letter to George.'”
--My Teacher Wants to See You--
A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.”
“What happened?” The father asks.
“Well, she asked me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answered ’63’ , then she asked, ‘and 9 * 7?’
So I asked ‘what’s the bloody difference?’ “Indeed, what is the difference?” asks the father. ‘
‘Sure, I’ll go.” The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, “Dad, have you gone by the school?” “Not yet.”

“Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.” “Why?” asks the father.

“Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it.

Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. ‘Now,’ he says, ‘lift your left leg,’ so I asked, ‘What, am I suppose to stand on…. my pee??'” “Exactly,” says the father.

“Alright, I’ll come.” The next day, the boy asks his father “Did you go to the school?” “No, not yet.”

“Don’t bother, I got expelled.” Surprised, the father asks “Why did you get expelled?”

“Well, they summoned me to the principal’s office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.”

“What the bloody hell was the art teacher doing there!?” asks the father.

“That’s what I bl'oody said!”

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women with her son

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it?

He said he’d offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.

She agreed.

The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”

“I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get and watch the expression on her face.”

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!”
--Two old ladies were outside smoking --
Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain. One of the ladies took out a protection, cut off the tip, and put it over her cigarette.
The other lady said, ‘Hey, that’s a good idea.

What’s that called?’

The lady responded, ‘It’s a protection.’

The other lady said, ‘Where can you get one of those?’

She said, ‘Oh, just about any grocery of drug store.’

So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said,‘I need to get some protection.’

The cashier looked at her puzzled because of her age and said, ‘UH, what size?’

The lady responded, ‘Hmm, one that would fit a camel.’

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friend are having dinner

Garth and his wife Sadie are having dinner at an upmarket restaurant in Melbourne, when an attractive young redhead walks by, smiles at Garth and says, “Hello Garth.”

Sadie immediately asks, “And who was that girl who just spoke to you?”

Garth replies, “Oh her, that’s my girlfriend.”

“You have a mistress? I don’t believe you. How long has this been going on?” says Sadie.

“About ten years, on and off.” answers Garth.

“Ten years?”, says Sadie. “You swine! I’ll see a solicitor tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. I’ll ruin you, you wait and see.”

“Now hold on Sadie,” responds Garth, “just think about it for a minute. If we get a divorce, you will only get only half of what we have together now.

You won’t have our big house in Homestead, you’ll no longer get a new Lexus as your birthday present from me each year, you won’t be able to play golf all day with your friends, you won’t …”

But before Garth can continue, a blonde walks past and says to him, “Hello, nice to see you again.”

Sadie asks, “And who was that, another of your ‘girls’?”

Garth replies, “No, that’s Harry’s mistress.”

“You mean that Harry also has a mistress?” says Sadie, surprised.
Garth answers, “Of course, she’s been with him for nearly twelve years.”
Sadie then says, proudly, “I like ours a lot better.”
--Farmer Joe had a nagging wife--
Farmer Joe had a nagging wife who made his life miserable.
The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.
One day when he was out in the field, Joe’s wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.

Suddenly, Joe’s old mule kicked up his back legs, striking her in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Joe’s minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Joe he would nod his head up and down.

But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Joe and asked “Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?”

“Well,” Joe replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, “Is that mule for sale?”

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the young women

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it?

He said he’d offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.

She agreed.

The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”

“I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get and watch the expression on her face.”

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!”
--Two old ladies were outside smoking --
Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain. One of the ladies took out a protection, cut off the tip, and put it over her cigarette.
The other lady said, ‘Hey, that’s a good idea.

What’s that called?’

The lady responded, ‘It’s a protection.’

The other lady said, ‘Where can you get one of those?’

She said, ‘Oh, just about any grocery of drug store.’

So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said,‘I need to get some protection.’

The cashier looked at her puzzled because of her age and said, ‘UH, what size?’

The lady responded, ‘Hmm, one that would fit a camel.’

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the two man

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,
“You know, I don’t know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.
I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s butt and say, ‘Lets do it!’ And, she’s always sound asleep.”
--An Old Carpenter Was Blind--
An old carpenter was blind, but he would sit in the pub carving little figures:
If you asked what he was carving he would always tell you the kind of wood before he told you the figure.
He bragged that he could tell any kind of wood by smell.
Everyone tried to stump him, but he always got the right wood.
A few of his friends came up with a plan.
They got an old lady to lie on the bar.
The old man sniffed and thought and sniffed again.
He told them to turn the wood over so the old lady lay on her stomach and he sniffed again.
His face lit up and he said….
“You tried to trick me, this is the sh*thouse door from a tuna boat.”

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grandma and daughter

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:

Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $ 100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $ 96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $ 4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!
-- An Old Man, Who Just Moved To Montana--


An old cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the old cowboy,
“You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The old man replies,
“Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The old man becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
“I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The old man looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains.
“It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”
“It hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

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the birthday

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. 

As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…” 

 The bartender says, “Well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. 

In fact, this one is on me.” As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.” 

 The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming up,” says the bartender.

 As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”

 The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.” 

 “Coming right up,” the bartender says. 

 As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?” The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. 

 Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”

 --They Walk Among-- 

 My husband and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.

 Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.

 She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.’

 She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. 

 I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said ‘We’re sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.’ The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change. 

 Do not confuse the people at MacD’s.

 We had to have the garage door repaired. 

 The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener. 

 I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. 

 He shook his head and said, ‘You need a 1/4 horsepower.’

 I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ‘NOOO, it’s not.

 Four is larger than two.’ We haven’t used that repairman since… 

 I live in a semi rural area. 

 We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

 The reason: ‘Too many deer’s are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’ 

 IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE. 

 My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco. 

 She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’ He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. 

 I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ 

 To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’

 The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it’s safe to cross the street. 

 I was crossing with an ‘intellectually challenged’ co-worker of mine.

 She asked if I knew what the beeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. 

 Appalled, she responded, ‘what on earth are blind people doing driving?!’ She is a government employee….. 

 When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

 We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. 

 As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘its open!’ His reply, ‘I know.

 I already did that side.’ STAY ALERT! They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…

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