Grandma funnies

The mule A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of their home. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farme...

rustic wooden table, young and in love, embarking on a journey together,” he reminisced, his eyes glinting with nostalgia. As the sun streamed through the kitchen window, illuminating the room with a golden hue, Helen traced the rim of her teacup, a small smile playing on her lips. “It feels like yesterday, doesn’t it?” she mused, her voice tinged with warmth. They both gazed at each other, sharing a lifetime of memories etched within their eyes. “Fifty years of laughter, tears, joys, and challenges,” Helen continued, her voice tinged with emotion. “We’ve weathered storms and celebrated triumphs, always together.” Her husband, George, reached across the table, taking her hand tenderly. “Our journey has been woven with threads of love and understanding. Remember the struggles we faced, yet the strength we found in each other?” The room seemed to embrace their history, the love that had grown deeper with time palpable in the air. “Yes, dear,” George nodded. “We’ve seen the wo...

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims, "I want to join your biker club".... The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her, "You have a bike"....? The little old lady says, "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.... The biker asks her "Do you smoke"...? The little old lady says, "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool"..... The biker is impressed and asks, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz".....? --A Little Boy Said To A Little Girl-- The little old lady says, "No, never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a ...

Two elderly women were having a late lunch and a drink at a local pub one afternoon when Ethel noticed something funny about Mable’s ear and said, “Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Mable answered, “I have? A suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.” --A Housewife Takes A Lover During The Day-- A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: “Dark in here.” Man: “Yes it is.” Boy: “I have a baseball.” Man: “That’s nice.” Boy: “Want to buy it?” Man: “No, thanks.” Boy: “My dad’s outside.” Man: “OK, how much?” Boy: “£250.” In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together. Boy: “Dark in here.” Man: “Yes, it...

A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning. After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church. “Why aren’t you dressed for church?” “Simple. I’m not going.” “Why not?” “Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going. First of all, the church is cold in the morning. It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me. Everyone is always talking about me behind my back. And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!” “Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going. First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm. Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.” --Jesus Moses and an old man go golfing-- Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts...

A young man finally got a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburn on his “tool of the trade”. But, he was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauz The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man’s sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wander...

An old lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!” The man was a real smart alec and he said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.” “Well, this really upset the lady, even more, So she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and ploughed straight into his Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, “What did you do that for?” The little old lady smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!” --An Arrogant Professor Gets A Seat Beside An Old Man -- An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat beside an old man. Mid-flight, the professor decides to play a game with the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: “Hey, do you want to play a little game with m...

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $ 100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $ 96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinkin...

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked. "No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?” Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city. Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son." "Well, obviously!" She gasped. "What do you mean?" "It was your idea in the first place! You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him. I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred." - -A grandfather asks his grandchild to bring him the blue pill and he would put 50€ in his wallet-- The grandchild after searching for that blue pill in the whole neighborhood, finally...