the farmer

The mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of their home. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly

to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.

To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable for the farmer and his

new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman

would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "the women would say, 'what a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say:

'Sorry, I can't do it...It's booked up for a year...'
--Let me explain--
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,

\- "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

\- "I had tolio as a child," he answered.

\- "You mean polio?" she asked.

\- "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

\- "What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

\- "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

\- "You mean measles?" she asked.

\- "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

\- "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess…. Smallcox?" 

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couple had breakfast

rustic wooden table, young and in love, embarking on a journey together,” he reminisced, his eyes glinting with nostalgia.

As the sun streamed through the kitchen window, illuminating the room with a golden hue, Helen traced the rim of her teacup, a small smile playing on her lips. “It feels like yesterday, doesn’t it?” she mused, her voice tinged with warmth.

They both gazed at each other, sharing a lifetime of memories etched within their eyes.

“Fifty years of laughter, tears, joys, and challenges,” Helen continued, her voice tinged with emotion. “We’ve weathered storms and celebrated triumphs, always together.”

Her husband, George, reached across the table, taking her hand tenderly. “Our journey has been woven with threads of love and understanding. Remember the struggles we faced, yet the strength we found in each other?”

The room seemed to embrace their history, the love that had grown deeper with time palpable in the air.

“Yes, dear,” George nodded. “We’ve seen the world change, witnessed moments that shaped history, and nurtured a family that has brought us immense pride.”

Their conversation meandered through cherished memories, from the birth of their children to the countless family gatherings around this very table. The echoes of laughter and the bittersweet symphony of life lingered in the air.

“We’ve learned that love isn’t just a feeling; it’s a choice, a commitment,” Helen remarked, her eyes glimmering with wisdom earned through decades of shared experiences. “It’s about understanding, compromise, and unwavering support.”

George nodded in agreement, his heart swelling with gratitude for the remarkable woman seated across from him. “And through it all, you’ve been my rock, my confidante, my best friend,” he whispered, his voice filled with tenderness.

Their love story, a tapestry woven with dedication and unwavering devotion, had become an inspiration to those around them.
As they finished their breakfast, Helen gazed at George, her heart full of gratitude. “Here’s to fifty more years,” she said, a playful twinkle in her eye.

George chuckled softly, his love for her radiating. “Indeed, my love. Here’s to many more chapters in our beautiful journey together.”

Their laughter filled the room, a testament to the enduring power of love, commitment, and the timeless beauty of a relationship that had stood the test of fifty remarkable years.
--Feel Like A Woman--
On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it!
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

He's drop-dead gorgeous.

Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt.
Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Here, iron this."

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little grandma

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She proclaims, "I want to join your biker club"....


The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her, "You have a bike"....?

The little old lady says, "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway....

The biker asks her "Do you smoke"...?

The little old lady says, "Yea, I smoke.

I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool".....

The biker is impressed and asks, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz".....?

--A Little Boy Said To A Little Girl--
The little old lady says, "No, never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times"......!!!

A little boy said to a little girl:
– I’m your BF !

The little girl asked:

– What is BF ?
The boy laughed and answered:
– That means Best Friend.
They later dated, the young man said to the girl:
– I am your BF !
The girl leaned lightly on the boy’s shoulder, shyly asked:
– What is BF ?
The boy replied:
– It’s Boy Friend !
A few years later they got married, had lovely children, and the husband smiled again and told his wife: – I am your BF !
The wife gently asked her husband:
– What is BF ?
The husband looked at the lovely and happy children and replied:
– It’s Baby’s father !
As they get old, they sit together and watch the sunset on the front porch, and the old man tells his wife:
– Honey ! I am your BF !
The old woman smiled with wrinkles on her face:
– What is BF ?
The old man smiled happily and gave a mysterious answer:
– Be Forever !
When the dying old man also said: – I am your BF.
The old woman replied with a sad voice: – What is BF ??
The old man answered and then closed his eyes:
– It’s Bye Forever !
A few days later, the old woman also passed away. Before closing her eyes, the old woman whispered by the old man’s grave:

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old women have lunch

Two elderly women were having a late lunch and a drink at a local pub one afternoon when Ethel noticed something funny about Mable’s ear and said,

“Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”

Mable answered,

“I have? A suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said,
“Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”
--A Housewife Takes A Lover During The Day--
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “My dad’s outside.”

Man: “OK, how much?”

Boy: “£250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes, it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “I’ll tell.”

Man: “How much?”

Boy: “£750.”

Man: “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy,

“Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”

The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The son says, “£1,000.”

The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again!!”

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husband and his wife

A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.

After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.

“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”

“Simple. I’m not going.”

“Why not?”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.

First of all, the church is cold in the morning.

It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.

Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.

And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going.
First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.
Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”
--Jesus Moses and an old man go golfing--
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses.
He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.

Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.

Jesus closes his eyes and prays.

The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the h*le.

The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball.

The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water.

A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.

As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.

As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the h*le, making a h*le in one.

Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!”

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my husband with his girlfriend

A young man finally got a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex.

To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.

Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburn on his “tool of the trade”.

But, he was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauz

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, however, the young man’s sunburn started acting up again.

He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his member immersed in a glass of milk.
Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, “So that’s how you guys load those things
--A Rich Dude And His Wife Were Having Dinner--
A rich dude and his wife were having dinner at a fancy joint.
This absolutely stunning young woman comes over to the table,

gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at him: “Who the hell was that ?

“Oh”, replies the husband casually, “She’s my mistress.”

“Why you son of a bitch, that’s the last straw” says the wife.

“I’m done with you, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” he sez, “but remember,

divorce means no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados,

no more summers in Tuscany, no more new Jaguars in the garage at Christmas and no more yacht club.

But, the decision is yours, my dear.”

At that moment, George, a friend of husband, shows up at the same restaurant with a gorgeous blonde babe on his arm.

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my mother is parking

An old lady was stopped to pull into a parking space
when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.
The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said,
“I was going to park there!”
The man was a real smart alec and he said,
“That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.”
“Well, this really upset the lady, even more,
So she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and ploughed straight into his Mercedes.
The young man ran back to his car and asked,
“What did you do that for?”
The little old lady smiled and told him,
“That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”
--An Arrogant Professor Gets A Seat Beside An Old Man --
An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat beside an old man.
Mid-flight, the professor decides to play a game with the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says:
“Hey, do you want to play a little game with me?”
The old man looks at him and says: “Depends. What type of game?”
The professor goes on to explain the game:
“Taking turns, we’ll ask each other one question at a time. If the other knows the answer, the asker gives him one dollar, and if he doesn’t, he gives one dollar to the asker. Want to play?”
The professor grins, knowing his general knowledge is vastly superior.
To his dismay, the old man refuses! Determined to make him agree, the professor raises the stakes for him.
“If I lose, I ‘ll give you two dollars instead of one!”

“No.”
“Five dollars!”
“No.”
“Ten dollars!”
“I told you, no.”
Desperate, the professor makes one final offer: “If I lose, I’ll give you a hundred dollars, and if you lose you’ll only give me one!”

The professor pleads. The old man ponders this, and then sighs. “Only if I get to start”, and the professor immediately agrees.
“Ask away”, the professor says, confident he’ll never lose.
The old man asks: “What has five heads, forty feet, and lives inside of a bucket?”
The professor turns the riddle over in his head, trying to find anything that fits the description.

After an hour of intense concentration, the professor gives up. G rumbling, he pulls out his wallet and gives the old man $100.

He wastes no time and asks him: “So what has five heads, forty feet, and lives inside of a bucket?”
The old man smiles, shrugs and says:
“I’ve got no idea. Here’s your dollar.”

GR

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my grandmother

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:

Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $ 100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $ 96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $ 4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!
-- An Old Man, Who Just Moved To Montana--
An old cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the old cowboy,
“You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The old man replies,
“Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The old man becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
“I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The old man looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains.
“It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”
“It hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

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the parents of fred

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked.

"No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son."

"Well, obviously!"

She gasped. "What do you mean?"

"It was your idea in the first place! You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him. I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred."

--A grandfather asks his grandchild to bring him the blue pill and he would put 50€ in his wallet--

The grandchild after searching for that blue pill in the whole neighborhood, finally finds it and gives it to his grandfather

Next morning he wakes up and finds 350€ in his wallet instead of 50€

Being confused about that goes to his grandfather and explains him what happened

Then his grandfather tells him "I put only 50€...

...The rest 300€ were put by your grandma"

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