Grandma funnies

Johnny fell In love, so he asks his father. 11 12 “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!” 13 14 “That’s a great son. Who is she?” 15 16 “It’s Sandra, the neighbour’s daughter” 17 18 “Ohhh I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.” 19 20 The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later. 21 22 “Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!” 23 24 “That’s a great son. Who is she?” 25 26 “It’s Angela, the other neighbour’s daughter.” 27 28 “Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that. Angela is also your sister.” 29 30 This went on a couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. 31 “Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!” 32 33 The mother hugs him affectionately and says: Paramètres des articles Libellés Aucune suggestion Date de publication 07/0...

Fred is 34 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?” Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.” His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.” A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?” With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.” The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?” Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.” --An Elderly Couple Was Celebrating Their Sixtieth Anniversary – -- An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neig...

As a woman passes her daughter’s closed bedroom door she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from inside. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vi''b'r''a''tor. Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’ The daughter replied: ‘ Mum, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’ The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he saw his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. He asked her what she was doing, The daughter said: ‘ Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’ A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. When ...

Wife sent text to husband “Hi I will get late, please cook dinner, then wash all dirty dishes and make sure you prepare our bed and put kids to sleep before I return….. She sent another text, “And I forgot to mention…. I have also bought a bottle of BLUE LABEL PREMIUM SCOTCH WHISKY for you…… He texted _“ really ?” She replied, “No…. I just wanted to make sure you got my first message” --The woman seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers-- A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. The woman seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. “Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,” he replied. “Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and in...

An old lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!” The man was a real smart alec and he said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.” “Well, this really upset the lady, even more, So she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and ploughed straight into his Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, “What did you do that for?” The little old lady smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!” --An Arrogant Professor Gets A Seat Beside An Old Man -- An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat beside an old man. Mid-flight, the professor decides to play a game with the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: “Hey, do you want to play a little game with ...

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life wit...

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?” “Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man. “The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -” His friend interrupts him. “A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?” “Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday.” --Family Visiting-- Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.  From under the blanket she notices four legs instead of two! She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. -Hi darling, he says, -Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom...

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…”   The bartender says, “Well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink.  In fact, this one is on me.” As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.”   The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming up,” says the bartender.  As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”  The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”   “Coming right up,” the bartender says.   As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?” The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve lea...

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom. The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her... When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light... "No madam," said the gardener. --Her husband had been slipping-- Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all throug...

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked. "No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?” Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city. Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son." "Well, obviously!" She gasped. "What do you mean?" "It was your idea in the first place! You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him. I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred." - -A grandfather asks his grandchild to bring him the blue pill and he would put 50€ in his wallet-- The grandchild after searching for that blue pill in the whole neighborhood, finally...

After going through the line at a crowded mall cafeteria, The three rambunctious teenage boys found they were forced to share a table with a kindly looking old lady. One of the lads decided to have a bit of fun at the woman’s expense and, nudging one of his buddies under the table, suddenly remarked, “Did your folks ever get married?” “Nope,” replied his tablemate, picking up the put on. “How about you?” “They never bothered,” answered the first young man. “That’s nothing,” interrupted the third, “my mother doesn’t even know who my father is.” The elderly woman looked up from her coffee and said sweetly. “Excuse me, but would one of you little b@stards please pass the sugar?” -- An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom… -- So the wife goes to an adult toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking. The worker suggests some cr0tch-less p@nties and takes her to see some. The ...

Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of a church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, These two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, “AMEN, BROTHER!” When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, “PREACH IT, REVEREND!” And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, “RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS… AMEN!” But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, “He’s quit preaching and now he’s meddlin’.” --A Man Walked Into A Supermarket. -- A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A checkout chick walked up to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.” Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Your fly is open.” He zipped up and finished his shopping. At...

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!” His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s butt and say, ‘Lets do it!’ And, she’s always sound asleep.” --An Old Carpenter Was Blind-- An old carpenter was blind, but he would sit in the pub carving little figures: If you asked what he was carving he would always tell you the kind of wood before he told you the figure. He bragged that he c...

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom. The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her... When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light... "No madam," said the gardener. --Her husband had been slipping-- Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all throu...

Sue phones her husband at work, “Dan, do you have time for a chat?” “Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting.” “But this won’t take long,” Sue says, “I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news.” “I really haven’t the time,” says Dan, “so just quickly tell me the good news.” “Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your brand new Mercedes works very well.” --A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning-- A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning. After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church. “Why aren’t you dressed for church?” “Simple. I’m not going.” “Why not?” “Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going. First of all, the church is cold in the morning. It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me. Everyone is always talking about me behind my back. And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!” “Well, I’ll give y...