Grandma funnies

  A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place. He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi. He left for the office. The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other. Soon they became friends. In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home. She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi. The Girl responded; “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house” The woman agreed. A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived. The Girl jumped into the front passenger seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed. ...

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.” She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing. “That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises. “Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.” “You’re absolutely right sweetheart, ”the mother assured her, turning to her mi...

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, He asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, No. Johnny asks, Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Just go to school. Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, Is Fred and Mary up yet?? She replies, No. Johnny says, Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school. After school, he comes home and asks, Is Fred and Mary up yet? His mom says, No. Johnny asks Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, OK! What do you think?? He says, Well, last night Fred came in my room for some Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.... --Funny Joke ‣ Blonde’s Prayer-- A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she...

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby. He went to his wife and said, “I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered. When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, “Have you been fooling around on me?” His wife confessed, “Not this time.” --There is a girl walking up the stairs-- There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any shorts. He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some inner wear as it is not good to walk around here like this. The girl then goes home and gives the money to he...

Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of a church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, These two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, “AMEN, BROTHER!” When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, “PREACH IT, REVEREND!” And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, “RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS… AMEN!” But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, “He’s quit preaching and now he’s meddlin’.” --A Man Walked Into A Supermarket. -- A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A checkout chick walked up to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.” Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Your fly is open.” He zipped up and finished his shopping. At th...

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked. "No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?” Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city. Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son." "Well, obviously!" She gasped. "What do you mean?" "It was your idea in the first place! You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him. I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred." - -A grandfather asks his grandchild to bring him the blue pill and he would put 50€ in his wallet-- The grandchild after searching for that blue pill in the whole neighborhood, finally...

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!” His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s butt and say, ‘Lets do it!’ And, she’s always sound asleep.” --An Old Carpenter Was Blind-- An old carpenter was blind, but he would sit in the pub carving little figures: If you asked what he was carving he would always tell you the kind of wood before he told you the figure. He bragged that he co...