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husband and his wife



A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light...
"No madam," said the gardener.
--Her husband had been slipping--



Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!

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my husband is handsome


Sue phones her husband at work, “Dan, do you have time for a chat?”

“Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting.”

“But this won’t take long,” Sue says, “I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news.”
“I really haven’t the time,” says Dan, “so just quickly tell me the good news.”
“Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your brand new Mercedes works very well.”
--A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning--
A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.
After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.
“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”
“Simple. I’m not going.”

“Why not?”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.

First of all, the church is cold in the morning.

It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.

Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.

And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going.

First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.

Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”

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the farmer


The mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of their home. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly

to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.

To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable for the farmer and his

new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.
The pastor noticed that whenever a woman

would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "the women would say, 'what a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say:

'Sorry, I can't do it...It's booked up for a year...'
--Let me explain--
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,

\- "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

\- "I had tolio as a child," he answered.

\- "You mean polio?" she asked.

\- "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.

\- "What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

\- "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

\- "You mean measles?" she asked.

\- "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

\- "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess…. Smallcox?" 

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couple had breakfast



rustic wooden table, young and in love, embarking on a journey together,” he reminisced, his eyes glinting with nostalgia.

As the sun streamed through the kitchen window, illuminating the room with a golden hue, Helen traced the rim of her teacup, a small smile playing on her lips. “It feels like yesterday, doesn’t it?” she mused, her voice tinged with warmth.

They both gazed at each other, sharing a lifetime of memories etched within their eyes.

“Fifty years of laughter, tears, joys, and challenges,” Helen continued, her voice tinged with emotion. “We’ve weathered storms and celebrated triumphs, always together.”

Her husband, George, reached across the table, taking her hand tenderly. “Our journey has been woven with threads of love and understanding. Remember the struggles we faced, yet the strength we found in each other?”

The room seemed to embrace their history, the love that had grown deeper with time palpable in the air.

“Yes, dear,” George nodded. “We’ve seen the world change, witnessed moments that shaped history, and nurtured a family that has brought us immense pride.”

Their conversation meandered through cherished memories, from the birth of their children to the countless family gatherings around this very table. The echoes of laughter and the bittersweet symphony of life lingered in the air.

“We’ve learned that love isn’t just a feeling; it’s a choice, a commitment,” Helen remarked, her eyes glimmering with wisdom earned through decades of shared experiences. “It’s about understanding, compromise, and unwavering support.”

George nodded in agreement, his heart swelling with gratitude for the remarkable woman seated across from him. “And through it all, you’ve been my rock, my confidante, my best friend,” he whispered, his voice filled with tenderness.

Their love story, a tapestry woven with dedication and unwavering devotion, had become an inspiration to those around them.
As they finished their breakfast, Helen gazed at George, her heart full of gratitude. “Here’s to fifty more years,” she said, a playful twinkle in her eye.

George chuckled softly, his love for her radiating. “Indeed, my love. Here’s to many more chapters in our beautiful journey together.”

Their laughter filled the room, a testament to the enduring power of love, commitment, and the timeless beauty of a relationship that had stood the test of fifty remarkable years.
--Feel Like A Woman--
On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it!
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

He's drop-dead gorgeous.

Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt.
Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Here, iron this."

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little grandma


A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She proclaims, "I want to join your biker club"....


The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her, "You have a bike"....?

The little old lady says, "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway....

The biker asks her "Do you smoke"...?

The little old lady says, "Yea, I smoke.

I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool".....

The biker is impressed and asks, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz".....?

--A Little Boy Said To A Little Girl--
The little old lady says, "No, never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times"......!!!

A little boy said to a little girl:
– I’m your BF !

The little girl asked:

– What is BF ?
The boy laughed and answered:
– That means Best Friend.
They later dated, the young man said to the girl:
– I am your BF !
The girl leaned lightly on the boy’s shoulder, shyly asked:
– What is BF ?
The boy replied:
– It’s Boy Friend !
A few years later they got married, had lovely children, and the husband smiled again and told his wife: – I am your BF !
The wife gently asked her husband:
– What is BF ?
The husband looked at the lovely and happy children and replied:
– It’s Baby’s father !
As they get old, they sit together and watch the sunset on the front porch, and the old man tells his wife:
– Honey ! I am your BF !
The old woman smiled with wrinkles on her face:
– What is BF ?
The old man smiled happily and gave a mysterious answer:
– Be Forever !
When the dying old man also said: – I am your BF.
The old woman replied with a sad voice: – What is BF ??
The old man answered and then closed his eyes:
– It’s Bye Forever !
A few days later, the old woman also passed away. Before closing her eyes, the old woman whispered by the old man’s grave:


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old women have lunch


Two elderly women were having a late lunch and a drink at a local pub one afternoon when Ethel noticed something funny about Mable’s ear and said,

“Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”

Mable answered,

“I have? A suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said,
“Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”
--A Housewife Takes A Lover During The Day--
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “My dad’s outside.”

Man: “OK, how much?”

Boy: “£250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes, it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “I’ll tell.”

Man: “How much?”

Boy: “£750.”

Man: “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy,

“Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”

The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The son says, “£1,000.”

The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again!!”

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husband and his wife


A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.

After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.

“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”

“Simple. I’m not going.”

“Why not?”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.

First of all, the church is cold in the morning.

It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.

Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.

And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going.
First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.
Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”
--Jesus Moses and an old man go golfing--
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses.
He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.

Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.

Jesus closes his eyes and prays.

The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the h*le.

The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball.

The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water.

A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.

As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.

As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the h*le, making a h*le in one.

Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!”

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