women with her son

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it?

He said he’d offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.

She agreed.

The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”

“I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get and watch the expression on her face.”

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!”
--Two old ladies were outside smoking --
Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain. One of the ladies took out a protection, cut off the tip, and put it over her cigarette.
The other lady said, ‘Hey, that’s a good idea.

What’s that called?’

The lady responded, ‘It’s a protection.’

The other lady said, ‘Where can you get one of those?’

She said, ‘Oh, just about any grocery of drug store.’

So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said,‘I need to get some protection.’

The cashier looked at her puzzled because of her age and said, ‘UH, what size?’

The lady responded, ‘Hmm, one that would fit a camel.’

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friend are having dinner

Garth and his wife Sadie are having dinner at an upmarket restaurant in Melbourne, when an attractive young redhead walks by, smiles at Garth and says, “Hello Garth.”

Sadie immediately asks, “And who was that girl who just spoke to you?”

Garth replies, “Oh her, that’s my girlfriend.”

“You have a mistress? I don’t believe you. How long has this been going on?” says Sadie.

“About ten years, on and off.” answers Garth.

“Ten years?”, says Sadie. “You swine! I’ll see a solicitor tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. I’ll ruin you, you wait and see.”

“Now hold on Sadie,” responds Garth, “just think about it for a minute. If we get a divorce, you will only get only half of what we have together now.

You won’t have our big house in Homestead, you’ll no longer get a new Lexus as your birthday present from me each year, you won’t be able to play golf all day with your friends, you won’t …”

But before Garth can continue, a blonde walks past and says to him, “Hello, nice to see you again.”

Sadie asks, “And who was that, another of your ‘girls’?”

Garth replies, “No, that’s Harry’s mistress.”

“You mean that Harry also has a mistress?” says Sadie, surprised.
Garth answers, “Of course, she’s been with him for nearly twelve years.”
Sadie then says, proudly, “I like ours a lot better.”
--Farmer Joe had a nagging wife--
Farmer Joe had a nagging wife who made his life miserable.
The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.
One day when he was out in the field, Joe’s wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.

Suddenly, Joe’s old mule kicked up his back legs, striking her in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Joe’s minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Joe he would nod his head up and down.

But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Joe and asked “Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?”

“Well,” Joe replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, “Is that mule for sale?”

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the young women

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it?

He said he’d offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.

She agreed.

The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”

“I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get and watch the expression on her face.”

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!”
--Two old ladies were outside smoking --
Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain. One of the ladies took out a protection, cut off the tip, and put it over her cigarette.
The other lady said, ‘Hey, that’s a good idea.

What’s that called?’

The lady responded, ‘It’s a protection.’

The other lady said, ‘Where can you get one of those?’

She said, ‘Oh, just about any grocery of drug store.’

So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said,‘I need to get some protection.’

The cashier looked at her puzzled because of her age and said, ‘UH, what size?’

The lady responded, ‘Hmm, one that would fit a camel.’

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the two man

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,
“You know, I don’t know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.
I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s butt and say, ‘Lets do it!’ And, she’s always sound asleep.”
--An Old Carpenter Was Blind--
An old carpenter was blind, but he would sit in the pub carving little figures:
If you asked what he was carving he would always tell you the kind of wood before he told you the figure.
He bragged that he could tell any kind of wood by smell.
Everyone tried to stump him, but he always got the right wood.
A few of his friends came up with a plan.
They got an old lady to lie on the bar.
The old man sniffed and thought and sniffed again.
He told them to turn the wood over so the old lady lay on her stomach and he sniffed again.
His face lit up and he said….
“You tried to trick me, this is the sh*thouse door from a tuna boat.”

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grandma and daughter

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:

Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $ 100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $ 96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $ 4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!
-- An Old Man, Who Just Moved To Montana--


An old cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the old cowboy,
“You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The old man replies,
“Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The old man becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
“I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The old man looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains.
“It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”
“It hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

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the birthday

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. 

As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…” 

 The bartender says, “Well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. 

In fact, this one is on me.” As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.” 

 The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming up,” says the bartender.

 As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”

 The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.” 

 “Coming right up,” the bartender says. 

 As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?” The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. 

 Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”

 --They Walk Among-- 

 My husband and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.

 Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.

 She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.’

 She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. 

 I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said ‘We’re sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.’ The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change. 

 Do not confuse the people at MacD’s.

 We had to have the garage door repaired. 

 The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener. 

 I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. 

 He shook his head and said, ‘You need a 1/4 horsepower.’

 I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ‘NOOO, it’s not.

 Four is larger than two.’ We haven’t used that repairman since… 

 I live in a semi rural area. 

 We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

 The reason: ‘Too many deer’s are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’ 

 IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE. 

 My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco. 

 She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’ He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. 

 I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ 

 To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’

 The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it’s safe to cross the street. 

 I was crossing with an ‘intellectually challenged’ co-worker of mine.

 She asked if I knew what the beeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. 

 Appalled, she responded, ‘what on earth are blind people doing driving?!’ She is a government employee….. 

 When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

 We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. 

 As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘its open!’ His reply, ‘I know.

 I already did that side.’ STAY ALERT! They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…

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fred get married

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night.
In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, He asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, No. Johnny asks, Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Just go to school.

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, Is Fred and Mary up yet?? She replies, No. Johnny says, Do you know what I think??

His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.

After school, he comes home and asks, Is Fred and Mary up yet? His mom says, No. Johnny asks

Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, OK! What do you think??
He says, Well, last night Fred came in my room for some Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue....
--Funny Joke ‣ Blonde’s Prayer--

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in dire financial straits. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray… “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.”

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays… “God, please let me win the lottery! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays… “My God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.

I don’t often ask You for help, and I’ve always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself….
“Sweetheart, work with Me on this…. Buy a ticket.”

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