Grandma funnies

A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn’t seem to get enough lovin’. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love. The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn’t getting enough work done. Finally, Homer asked the town doctor what to do. “Homer,” said the doctor, “just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you’re in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Daisy’s signal to come out to you. Then you won’t lose any field time.” They tried Doc’s advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor’s office. “What’s wrong?” asked the Doc. “Didn’t my idea work?” “Oh, it worked good,” said Homer. “Whenever I w...

A sweet grandmother telephoned the South Shore ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?” The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?” The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.” The operator replied, “Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.” After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.” The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.” The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?” ...

A woman came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but thought, “What the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.” She said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!” He said, “Great, tell me what you’re so happy about!” She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down when she told him that she was pregnant! He kissed her and told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!” Then, she said, “Oh, honey, there’s more!” He asked, “What do you mean, ‘more?'” She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!” Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. She said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the TWIN PACK h...

So, there’s this yellow toad wandering around in the forest… Kind of pissed off because he doesn’t want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown or green like the other toads. He’d sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway… this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother, like you, do, and he begs her; “Fairy Godmother please make me green like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such.” The Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says “Abracapokus! You’re green.” The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the Fairy Godmother “Wait a minute; my meat & two vegs are still yellow.” To this, the Fairy Godmother said, “I don’t do w!llies, go and see the Wizard Of Oz for that. The toad thanks her and hops off on his way. There also happens to be a purple bear wandering around in the very same forest, must be o...

Paddy and Mick, two elderly friends were having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the stainless steel, still deep in conversation. But Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick had a very big mickey. “I say, ‘tis a remarkable mickey you have there,” Paddy was prompted to remark. Wasn’t always that way,” replied Mick. “Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days,” he said. “I got this done in Dublin. It costs me twenty thousand euros, but as you can see, well worth it.” Paddy was envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and drove to Dublin. It was a good six months later before he ran into Mick once again and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result. “You were diddled. I got mine for ten thousand euros only,” said Paddy. Mick could hardly believe it. Same address in Dublin, same doctor. ...

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed. “What the hell are you doing in my bedroom? …… and who are you?” he asked. “This is not your bedroom,” the man replied, “I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven.” “WHAT!!? Are you saying, I’m dead? I don’t want to die ….. I’m too young.” said Tom. “If I’m dead, I want you to send me back immediately.” “It’s not that easy”, said St. Peter, “you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own” Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can’t be that bad. “I want to return as a hen.” Tom replied. In the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow …….. then along ca...

A daughter who was concerned that her elderly mother hadn’t had an exam in several years persuaded her mother to let her make an appointment for an exam with her doctor. She invited her to spend the night and offered to drive her to the appointment with lunch afterwards. On the day of the exam, they went together to the doctor’s office and while the daughter waited in the lobby the mother nervously undressed climbed up on the table, and, with the nurse’s assistance, slid her heels into the stirrups. The doctor came in, greeted her pleasantly, then settled onto his stool. “I am not we FANCY today!” he exclaimed as he lifted the sheet draped over the old lady’s upraised knees. Shocked, she had no idea what the doctor meant. When the exam was over, she hurriedly got dressed and rushed out to meet her daughter in the waiting room. In a panic, she repeated what the doctor said. “What in the world do you think he meant by that?” the mother asked, bewildered. ...

A police officer pulls over an elderly couple He walks up to the driver’s side window and asks the husband for his license and registration. The wife, hard of hearing, asks “what?! What did he say to you?” The husband replies “he wants my license!” The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going. The wife yells “what?! What did he say to you?” The husband yells back “he says I was speeding!” As the officer looks at the license he notices they’re from Ohio “you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable. She would never shut up, couldn’t cook worth sh!t, constantly belittled me, and the s*x was just awful.” The old lady once again yells “what?! What did he say to you?” The husband yells back “he said you two used to date!”

The kid went to his father and asked, “Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this nice girl” Father: “That’s a great song. Who is it?” Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbour’s daughter.” Father: “Oh, I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise me not to tell your mom Sandra is actually your sister.” The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, a couple of months later… Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!” Father: “That’s a great son. Who is it?” Son: “It’s Angela, The other neighbour’s daughter.” Father: “Oh, I wish you hadn’t said that. Angela is also your” sister. This went on a couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying. “Mom I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!” The mother hugs him affectionately and says: “My love, you can date whomever you want. ...

An Eight Monkeys In A Room Eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling: Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable. Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed on, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder. One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys is doing the obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly and he has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder. A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys ha...

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this) Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, ‘ Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.’ She looked, and sure enough, they were. Unfortunately, it wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet. He then announced, ‘These aren’t my boots.’ She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, ‘Why didn’t you say so?’like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. ...

Three guys died together in a terrible accident. Fortunately, they went to heaven. St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here: Don’t step on the ducks, as they are God’s favourite creation.” They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it’s almost impossible not to step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman you’ve ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever.” The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter comes with another real ugly woman and chains them together. Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn’t step on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without saying a word. The man remarks, “Wow! This is great! I wonder what I di...

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop and with them are their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they discover it to be overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to board the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking noise the stick makes as the blind man taps it on the sidewalk and says to him: Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? “That ticking sound is driving me crazy! “ The blind man replies: “If you would’ve put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut up!

Two women were chatting in the office… WOMAN 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours? WOMAN 2: It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How was yours? WOMAN 1: “Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner, we walked for an hour.” “When we came home, he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale! At the same time, their husbands were talking at work…” HUSBAND 1: How was your evening? HUSBAND 2: Great! I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. What about you? HUSBAND 1: “It was horrible! I came home, there’s no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money left for a cab. “ “We walked home which took an hour and when we got home, we remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!”

An old man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. “Oh my, I am so sorry, ” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, ” she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards, they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The old guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incr...

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died she would put all of the money into the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked it and took the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with yo...

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his...

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It'd a lot of money." The receptionist objected adding, "You can't just walk in here and expect to see the president of the bank of america. He's a very busy man. But I am here to make a very large cash deposit," added the old woman. The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said, "You're in luck this morning. He will see you." and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America. She walked in to the large office to see a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood and asked, "How can I help you?" She replied, "I would like to open a savings account," and placed the bag of money on his desk. ...

A Father put his 3 years old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?' The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do." The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous ...

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck. Her son, Little Johnny,… Came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over,… Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment,… So he said nothing. The dinner went well, and, as usual,… The beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny’s mother and said,… “Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?” Jane replied, “Nothing new, why do you ask?” “Well,” Said Mary: “This morning I bent over to feed the cat, and shot the canary!”

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” The husband texted back to her: “I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”

One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper’s house drinking beer. They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer. The snail said, “I’d go, but I’m kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go.” The grasshopper said, “I don’t mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we’ll get sprayed every time we open one.” So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store. An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn’t returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him. They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.

Little Johnny, a city boy, goes to visit his grandpa on the farm. On his first day there, he goes to his grandfather: “Oy, gramps, your bull is f*cking the cows.” “Oh my goodness, Johnny! We don’t talk like that here! We use the gentlemanly ‘the bull is scaring the cows’.” “Yeah, whatever gramps.” On the second day, Little Johnny comes in: “Oy, gramps, the bull’s f*ckin’ them cows.” “Now Johnny, I told you yesterday, we don’t use that dirty city talk here! We use the gentlemanly ‘the bull is scaring the cows’.” “Yeah, yeah, whatever.” On the third day, Billy comes in: “Oy, gramps, the bull’s scaring the cows.” “Oh, Johnny! I’m so proud of you! You’re finally speaking politely!” “No gramps, you don’t get it. He’s scaring the cows ’cause he’s f*cking the horse.”

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old Little Johnny out for a drive in the car for some quality time — pancakes, ice cream, candy — just him and his grandson. One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed. He knew his grandson always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take The Little Johnny for his weekly drive and breakfast. When they returned, the little Johnny anxiously ran upstairs to see his grandfather who was still in bed. “Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” he asked. “Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn’t see a single as$hole, queer, piece of sh!t, horse’s a$s, tree hugger, socialist left-wing prick, blind b@stard, dipshit and son of a b!tch anywhere we went! We just drove around and Grandma...

THEY HAD BEEN FACING EACH OTHER ACROSS A PATHWAY FOR A HUNDRED YEARS. One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.” He looks at her. She looks at him. They go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel looks at his watch. “Um, you have fifteen minutes left… would you care to do it again?” He asks her, “Shall we?” She eagerly replies, “Oh! Yes, let’s! But we should change positions…” “… This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head!”

An elderly man travelling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant’s ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: ‘WW’, ‘WA’, ‘PP’ and ‘ATR’. Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought “Wow, these gals really have it nice.” So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. “Aha,” he thought, “no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services.” So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dust...