Grandma funnies

A daughter who was concerned that her elderly mother hadn’t had an exam in several years persuaded her mother to let her make an appointment for an exam with her doctor.

She invited her to spend the night and offered to drive her to the appointment with lunch afterwards.

On the day of the exam,

they went together to the doctor’s office and while the daughter waited in the lobby the mother nervously undressed climbed up on the table, and, with the nurse’s assistance, slid her heels into the stirrups.

The doctor came in, greeted her pleasantly, then settled onto his stool.

“I am not we FANCY today!” he exclaimed as he lifted the sheet draped over the old lady’s upraised knees.

Shocked, she had no idea what the doctor meant.

When the exam was over, she hurriedly got dressed and rushed out to meet her daughter in the waiting room.

In a panic, she repeated what the doctor said.

“What in the world do you think he meant by that?” the mother asked, bewildered.

“I have no idea, Mother. What did you do to prepare for the exam?”

“Well, I showered, and I used some of that feminine deodorant spray in your bathroom,” the mother replied.

There was a slight pause as she looked at her mother in the eye.

“I don’t HAVE any feminine deodorant spray, Mother.”

“Yes, you do that tall pink-and-gold can.”

“Mother! That’s not deodorant. That’s gold glitter hairspray!”

A Police Officer Pulls Over An Elderly Couple

A police officer pulls over an elderly couple He walks up to the driver’s side window and asks the husband for his license and registration.

The wife, hard of hearing, asks

“what?! What did he say to you?”

The husband replies

“he wants my license!”

The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.

The wife yells “what?! What did he say to you?”

The husband yells back “he says I was speeding!”

As the officer looks at the license he notices they’re from Ohio

“you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable. She would never shut up, couldn’t cook worth sh!t, constantly belittled me, and the s*x was just awful.”

The old lady once again yells

“what?! What did he say to you?”

The husband yells back

“he said you two used to date!”

Kid Went To His Father

The kid went to his father and asked,

“Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this nice girl”

Father: “That’s a great song. Who is it?”

Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbour’s daughter.”

Father: “Oh, I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise me not to tell your mom Sandra is actually your sister.”

The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on, a couple of months later…

Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!”

Father: “That’s a great son. Who is it?”

Son: “It’s Angela, The other neighbour’s daughter.”

Father: “Oh, I wish you hadn’t said that. Angela is also your” sister.

This went on a couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

“Mom I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!”

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

“My love, you can date whomever you want. He isn’t your father”

An Eight Monkeys In A Room

An Eight Monkeys In A Room

Eight monkeys in a room.

In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling:

Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.

Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed on, set upon him and beat him up.

Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.

One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys is doing the obvious.

But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.

All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly and he has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced.

The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.

This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he’s not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it.

However, he has no idea why he’s attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced.

Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them has ever been sprayed with ice water. None of them attempts to climb the ladder.

All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

That is how traditions, religion and ethnic profiling get established and followed.

Think twice before following a tradition, religion or negative ethnic profiling.

It would make more sense if you get your own understanding of it!

Always have an isolated and informed perspective on all decisions that govern and determine the way you live your life…..

The Teacher Who Was Helping One Of Her Pupils Put On His Boots

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said,

‘ Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.’

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced,

‘These aren’t my boots.’

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream,

‘Why didn’t you say so?’like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

‘ They’re my brother’s boots. But my Mom made me wear ’em today.’

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked,

‘ Now, where are your mittens?’

He said,

‘ I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots.’

She’ll be eligible for parole in three years.

Three Guys Died Together In Accident

Three guys died together in a terrible accident.

Fortunately, they went to heaven.

St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here: Don’t step on the ducks, as they are God’s favourite creation.”

They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it’s almost impossible not to step on a duck.

The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman you’ve ever seen.

St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever.”

The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough,

St. Peter comes with another real ugly woman and chains them together.

Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful.

He goes for months and doesn’t step on any ducks.

Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy.

He chains them together and leaves without saying a word.

The man remarks, “Wow! This is great! I wonder what I did to deserve this?”

The Blonde says,

“I don’t know about you, but I just stepped on a duck.”

A Husband And Wife Are Waiting At The Bus

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop and with them are their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they discover it to be overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to board the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking noise the stick makes as the blind man taps it on the sidewalk and says to him:

Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?

“That ticking sound is driving me crazy! “

The blind man replies:

“If you would’ve put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut up!

Two Women Were Chatting In The Office

Two women were chatting in the office…

WOMAN 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?

WOMAN 2: It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How was yours?

WOMAN 1: “Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner, we walked for an hour.”

“When we came home, he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale! At the same time, their husbands were talking at work…”

HUSBAND 1: How was your evening?

HUSBAND 2: Great! I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. What about you?

HUSBAND 1: “It was horrible! I came home, there’s no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money left for a cab. “

“We walked home which took an hour and when we got home, we remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house!”

An Old Man Is Dining In A Fancy Restaurant

An old man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.

He has been checking her out since he sat down but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry, ” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, ” she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards, they go to the theatre followed by drinks.

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The old guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!

“You know, ” he said,

“you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? “

“No, ” she replies…

“You just happened to catch my eye.”

he asked his wife to bury hime with all his money so this is what she did

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

"Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked it and took the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?" “I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check... If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

parents tell their kids they're getting divorced but what they do next is hilarious

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

she was stopped from making a big deposit at the bank .what she does next hilarious

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It'd a lot of money."

The receptionist objected adding, "You can't just walk in here and expect to see the president of the bank of america. He's a very busy man.

But I am here to make a very large cash deposit," added the old woman.

The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said, "You're in luck this morning. He will see you." and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.

She walked in to the large office to see a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood and asked, "How can I help you?"

She replied, "I would like to open a savings account," and placed the bag of money on his desk.

"How much would you like to deposit?" he asked curiously.

$180,000 if you please," and dumped the cash out of the bag and onto his desk.

The president was surprised to see all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around, especially for a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by this kind of money?"

The old lady coyly replied,"I make bets."

Surprised, the president asked, "What kind of bets?"

Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"What?!" cried the man, "you want to bet me that my balls, my testicles, are square?" He could hardly hold back from laughing.

"Yes, you heard me. In fact, by ten o'clock tomorrow morning I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square."

The man smiled broadly, thinking he had live one. "You've got yourself a bet!" and shook her hand.

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness??

"Sure," replied the confident president.

That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls,

turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 AM, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square."

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking to himself, "$25,000 is a lot of money. I guess it is Okay." He then said, "Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

As the old woman started to feel his testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, "What is wrong with your lawyer?"

The old lady replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today I would have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands."

“Daddy” didn’t have anything to worry about!

A Father put his 3 years old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting!"

The Church Was Cooking A Pot Of Her Famous Beans

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck.

Her son, Little Johnny,… Came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.

Thinking it over,…

Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment,…

So he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual,…

The beans were one of the favorite dishes.

The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny’s mother and said,…

“Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?”

Jane replied, “Nothing new, why do you ask?”

“Well,” Said Mary:

“This morning I bent over to feed the cat, and shot the canary!”

An Elderly Couple Had Just Learned How To Send Text Messages

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”

The husband texted back to her:

“I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”

The Grasshopper, The Snail, And The Centipede Were Sitting Around The Grasshopper's House

One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper’s house drinking beer.

They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer.

The snail said, “I’d go, but I’m kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go.”

The grasshopper said, “I don’t mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we’ll get sprayed every time we open one.”

So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store.

An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn’t returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him.

They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.

Johnny! We don’t talk like that here! We use the gentlemanly

Little Johnny, a city boy, goes to visit his grandpa on the farm.

On his first day there, he goes to his grandfather:

“Oy, gramps, your bull is f*cking the cows.”

“Oh my goodness, Johnny! We don’t talk like that here! We use the gentlemanly ‘the bull is scaring the cows’.”

“Yeah, whatever gramps.”

On the second day, Little Johnny comes in:

“Oy, gramps, the bull’s f*ckin’ them cows.”

“Now Johnny, I told you yesterday, we don’t use that dirty city talk here! We use the gentlemanly ‘the bull is scaring the cows’.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

On the third day, Billy comes in:

“Oy, gramps, the bull’s scaring the cows.”

“Oh, Johnny! I’m so proud of you! You’re finally speaking politely!”

“No gramps, you don’t get it. He’s scaring the cows ’cause he’s f*cking the horse.”

The Grandfather Likes To Spends Time With His Grandson

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends.

Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old Little Johnny out for a drive in the car for some quality time — pancakes, ice cream, candy — just him and his grandson.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and could not get out of bed.

He knew his grandson always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed.

Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take The Little Johnny for his weekly drive and breakfast.

When they returned, the little Johnny anxiously ran upstairs to see his grandfather who was still in bed.

“Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” he asked.

“Not really, PaPa, it was boring. We didn’t see a single as$hole, queer, piece of sh!t, horse’s a$s, tree hugger, socialist left-wing prick, blind b@stard, dipshit and son of a b!tch anywhere we went!

We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn’t have any fun.

TWO STATUES WERE STANDING IN THE PARK