Grandma funnies

A man was in a long line at the supermarket. As he got to the checkout he realized he had forgotten to get c0nd0ms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some c0nd0ms brought up to register. She asked, “What size condoms?” The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, and she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said, “One box of large condoms to register 5.” The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checkout girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, and she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom, and said, “One box of medium-sized condoms to register 5.” A few customers back there was a teenage boy. He th...

A 21 year old blonde girl met a large, powerfully built bodybuilder at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place.The body builder takes off his shirt, and while doing so, he exclaims, “Boom!” The blonde says, “What a great chest you have!” He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, baby!” He then rips off his pants, once again yelling, “Boom!” The blonde is impressed and says, “My, what massive calves you have!” The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs of dynamite, baby.” He then rips off his underwear, and exclaims “Boom!” The blonde goes running out of the apartment, screaming in fear. The bodybuilder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, “I didn’t want to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!” She left in a hurry!

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, ‘ Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in ‘Slim Fast. Maybe it will take a few inches off of your b**t!’ His wife was not amused and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ‘ What the Hell is this?’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out. ‘April’, he hollered into the bathroom, ‘ Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?’ She replied with a snicker. ‘It’s not talcum powder; it’s ‘Miracle Grow’!!!!!!

This story comes from a Reddit user who was prompted by a question, “What things have you overheard that have broken your heart?” It might have been a heartbreaking question, but this woman’s actions are absolutely heartwarming. For my son’s 9th birthday I took my son and a handful of friends to the movies, then to pizza, then they all slept over. On the way home from pizza the kids were commenting on great the night was, and were saying thank you, etc…I said in reply “We love having kids over!” Out of the blue one boy quietly whispered to me “My Mom doesn’t love me.” Broke my heart into bits. I asked why he said that, and he said, “She always left me. I would wake up and she would be gone.” Come to find out, he had just been placed with his Dad that he barely knew. The State had taken him away from his Mom for neglect – leaving him every night alone to go to the bar. It had been going on for years and the neighbors would hear him crying alone and call the cops. She is a raging alc...

This lady that was wearing a tight skirt was waiting at the bus stop to get onto the bus. A bus pulled up and the driver opened the doors. She tried to step up onto the step but her skirt was too tight. So she reached back to unzip and loosen it a little. She tried to steup onto the steps again. But it was still to tight. She reached back and unzipped some more. Tried to step up again and the skirt was still to tight. She tried one more time. She reached back and unzipped some more. And she still couldn’t get up onto the bus. So this man behind her reaches and grabs her by the butt. He gives her a boost onto the bus. She turns around and slaps him and saying “What do you think you are doing. ” Well the man says: * * “Well lady after you unzipped my pants for the third time I thought we was acquainted.”

A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister. “I’m really concerned about the secret I’ve kept from my fiancé,” the young man said. “I have unbelievably smelly feet. I’m afraid my new bride won’t be able to stand them. “Oh, is that all?” the pastor replied. “Look, all you need do is wash your feet twice a day and wear socks all the time.” The groom thought it over and decided it might work. Meanwhile, the nervous bride had approached the minister’s wife. “I’m so worried,” she sobbed. “I have really bad breath when I wake up each day. My morning breath is so awful, that my fiancé won’t even want to be near me. “Well, I have an idea,” the pastor’s wife said soothingly. “Set your alarm just a few minutes before your husband wakes ...

Three bank robbers: a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde. Are trying to evade the police when they come across a farm. Being short on time and options, they all decide to hide in the barn. The redhead hides near the horses, the brunette hides near the cows and the blonde hides in a pile of potatoes. When the police come to search the barn, first they come to the horse stables. The redhead lets out a hefty "neeeyyyy", the cops are convinced that the horses are indeed alone, and the redhead escapes. The police then search the cow pens. The brunette saw what the first robber had done, and belts out a deep "mooooo". The cops are again convinced and the brunette is able to escape. The police finally turn to the stall where the Blond has hidden. The blond, seeing how easily the other two had gotten away, decides to use the same method. So as the police officers came close they suddenly hear: "Potato!"

As couples are frequently told that they may be too old to have children, one couple in India have broken through all these age barriers and had a baby in their 70s. They were never able to conceive naturally during their 46-year-marriage so the couple sought the help of fertility treatment. The sprightly couple now have a beautiful baby boy and couldn’t be happier. Daljinder Kaur, 72, and her 79-year-old husband sought fertility treatment in September 2014. “I used to feel empty. There was so much loneliness,” Daljinder told the Agence France-Presse. “I had lost hope of becoming a mother ever.” It wasn’t easy to convince doctors to give her the treatment but finally they agreed to her having rounds of IVF. Two years and three rounds later she conceived. Daljinder gave birth to a healthy baby boy weighing 4.4lb who they named Arman, on April 19, 2016 — and she instantly became one of the world’s oldest mothers. As if a healthy delivery without co...

A couple of old ladies were sitting on a patio and speaking to each other about their grandchildren. "I send gifts, greeting cards and checks to my grandchildren," complains one, "and still they barely visit me!" The second old lady said "Oh I too send checks to my grandchildren and they visit me all the time!" "You are so fortunate to have more grateful grandchildren than my own." said the first one sadly. The second old lady smiled: "No my grandchildren are about as grateful as yours. " "So what do YOU do different? Are your checks bigger than mine?" Asked the first one, surprised.  "No," chuckled the other old lady, "I just don't sign mine."

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20 for their first lovemaking encounter.  In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for the next 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes, he explained that his company had gone through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go - It was unlikely that at the age of 55, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed thirty years of deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then, she showed him stock certificates issued by the bank which we...

A beautiful blonde goes out with a bodybuilder. Things go well and by their 4th date, she wants to take it to the 'next level'. They reach her apartment and, after a nice dinner, begin to kiss and take their clothes off. The blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!"  He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!" He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have! " He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!" He then removes his underwear and the blonde runs off screaming  in fear.  He rushes to put his clothes back on and chases after her.  He finally catches up with her. "Why did you run away?" He pants. She says, "With all that dynamite, I ran when I saw how short the fuse was!"

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.  As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.  His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. “Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night.” the mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, “Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.” funny-grandma.com The mailman thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?” “Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “privates” showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.” The mailman laughs and says, “Damn, I’...

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soa...

A blonde and a brunette are spending a day off together at the local lake. Since they're alone, they decide to go skinny dipping and enjoy the beautiful weather. After frolicking around for 30 minutes or so, they decide they have had enough fun. Just as they emerge from the water, two buses pull up, parking right in front of them. To their shock and horror, the buses were full of men from the local church which they both attend. With no-where to hide and their clothes out of reach, the blonde tries in vain to cover her private-parts and dashes for cover. The brunette instead covers her face and runs after the blonde. As they get out of view, the blonde says, "Gosh, how will you ever face those men in church now? You didn't even try and cover your womanhood!" To which the brunette responds, "Well I don't know about you, but those men only recognize me by my face."

Three elderly women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.  They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. I graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped ...

A father passing by his Little Johnny bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands: “Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion, Dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that m@rijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growin...

An old woman wants to get married one last time so she doesn’t die alone. She takes out an ad in the paper that says, “I’m looking for a husband. You must not hit me, you must not walk out on me, and you must be good in bed. If you’re interested, come to my house tomorrow so I can get to know you.” The next day, several men show up at her house, but none of them quite seem right for her. The old woman is just about to give up hope when her doorbell rings one last time. She opens the door to see an old man in a wheelchair with no arms or legs. The old woman feels bad for the man so she wheels him inside. “Thank you for stopping by,” she tells him. “But I don’t know if you’re exactly what I’m looking for.” “Well,” the old man replies, “I have no arms so I can’t hit you, and I have no legs so I can’t walk out on you.” The old woman finds herself actually considering the man and asks “Ok, but what about the last thing? Are you any good in bed?” And the old man smiles and say...

Four retired old men are walking down a street in Cooktown. They turned a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timer’s Bar – all drinks 10 cents! They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, ‘Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, Gentlemen?’ There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini.. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced Martinis…….. shaken, not stirred, and says, ‘That’ll be 10 cents each, please.’ The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other……..they can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their Martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent Martinis are produced and the bartender again says, ‘That’s 40 cents, please..’ They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two Martini and so far they’ve spent less than a dolla...

Little Johnny’s mother got pulled over on I-44 for going 7 mph over the speed limit. As the officer started walking up to their car, the mother rolled her window down. The Little Johnny apparently INCREDIBLY smart 4 yr boy, started screaming from the backseat: “It’s coming out!!!!!” “I can’t hold it any longer!!!!!” “It’s almost here!!!!!!!!!!! Now the trooper is HEARING his scream and he leans in the window and asks him “What’s going on here???” The little Johnny looks him DEAD IN THE FACE And says “I’ve got poop coming outta my b*tt!!” “He started laughing.” He asked how far they had to go, which was about 2 miles home. “He told the mother to drive safely and get him home to do his business. He could NOT stop laughing” As soon as they pulled away, the mother asked “What the hell was that about???” The Little Johnny smirked and said “I saw it on YouTube but I didn’t think it would work” The mother said “So…… You’re not pooping ?” He said “nope and you’re not in troubl...

TRUE STORY THAT HAPPENED IN CANADA A baby boy David was born to a certain family. The mum was so excited that she hardly put him down. One day she left him sleeping and went to the garden. When she was there, the house caught fire and she ran back home as fast as possible to save her only son. People tried to stop her but they didn’t succeed. She went in and found the baby untouched. Unfortunately her hair caught fire as she was going out and she started burning. It was very bad for the rest of her life because she had to live with a scar. The boy grew up and became very rich and shifted to town. But in the real sense, he was ashamed of his mother's scars. When people asked him, he would say, "l don’t have someone so ugly in our family as my mother". One day his mum overheard how his son was telling people and she was very disappointed. She decided to travel to town to explain to his only son what had happened and the rea...

Making babies The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father  was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, he said, "I've come to..." "Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you." 'Have you really?" Said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living...

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the on...

 

82 year old Ernie is on his death bed with his wife Doris by his side: He says, 'Dear Doris, when we were first courting in our prime at 22, I slipped off my roller skates and broke my collar bone. And Doris, you were there by my side to comfort me. Doris, when we went out for our anniversary meal at the age of 32, I got food poisoning and you were there by my side. Doris, when I was 37 you were there by my side when I crashed the car into a lamp post and you comforted me and looked after me. Doris, when I was 42 do you remember when I was cleaning the windows and fell off the ladder only to break my wrist, you were there by my side. Doris, when I was 44 you were there when I was given the horrible news of my sister's death, again you were there, by my side. Doris when I was 54 and was diagnosed with prostate cancer, you were there by my side. Doris, when I was 63 and was given the all clear from prostate cancer I came down with pneumonia and you were ...

Little Johnny was sitting around watching cartoons one Saturday morning, When all of a sudden a wedding came on TV and he sat watching it for a couple of minutes. Then he gets up goes to the kitchen and asked his mom “why do women wear white dresses when they get married” The Mom replied “A man wants to know he is marrying a woman of purity” Little Johnny said.” OK” He went back and started watching his cartoons thought about it for a few more minutes got up went out to the garage and asked his dad “Why do women wear white dresses when they get married” The dad looked over at his son and said “don’t you know all new home appliances come in white”

A cleaning old woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, “Yes sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called Bridge, and last night lots of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say “Lay down and let’s see what you’ve got.” Another man said, “I’ve got strength but no length.” Another man said to a lady, “Take your hand off my trick.” I pretty near dropped dead just then when the lady answered, “You jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one raise.” Another lady was talking about her protecting her honour, and two other ladies said, Now it’s time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine. Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving. I hope to die if I didn’t hear someone say, “Well, I guess we’ll go home now, that was the last rubber.”