Grandma funnies

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married settled down in their old neighborhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared where he had carved "I love you, Sally". On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, its fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says: "We've got to give it back". She says, "Finders keepers" puts the money back in the bag hides it up in their attic. The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home. One knocks on the door says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" She says: "No".. The husband says: ...

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly she came out in the divorce settlement, when she spies a lamp washing up onshore. She rubs the lamp, and out pops a genie. The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. Then the genie informs that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her, because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times what she wishes for. The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting on one billion dollars. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars. The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her...

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been f...

Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking. Dorothy: “That nice George Johnston asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.” Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what’s there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!” Dorothy: “Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn’t go?” Edna: “No, no, no … I’m just saying, wear an old dre...

After 25 years of marriage, a husband took a long look at his wife one day and said: “Twenty-five years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, and I slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a sexy twenty-six year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, a nice car and a big bed, but I’m sleeping with a fifty-one year old woman. It seems that you’re not pulling your weight.” She replied calmly: “Then why don’t you go out and find a sexy twenty-six year old blonde? And when you do, I’ll make sure once again that you’ll be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.” -- These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven-- These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, “We only have one rule here in heaven. Don’t step on the ducks.” So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place....

A little boy said, “Grandpa, can I sit on your lap? “Why sure you can,” his grandfather replied. As he sat on his grandfather’s lap he said, “Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?” “A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog.” The boy said, “Grandpa, will you please, please make a sound like a frog?” Perplexed, his grandfather said, “Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?” And the little boy said, “Because Grandma said that when you croak, we’re going to Florida!” --An Old Lady Having A Problem-- One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said, “You have the crabs”. She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin. She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him. The doctor said, “You probably have the crabs”. “No” she said, “I am an eighty year old virgin.” Frustrated, she went to a thi...

A very poor old woman with a small family called a radio station asking for help from God. A non-believer man who was also listening to this radio program decided to make fun of the woman. He got her address, called his secretary and ordered her to buy a large number of foodstuffs and take them to the woman. However, he sent it with the following instruction: “When the woman asks who sent the food, tell her that it’s from the devil.” When the secretary arrived at the woman’s house, the woman was so happy and grateful for the help that had been received. She started putting the food inside her small house. The Secretary then asked her, ”Don’t you want to know who sent the food?” The woman replied, ”No, Say thanks to whoever sent this! I don’t care who the person is because when GOD orders, even the devil obeys”! --An Old Lady Was Walking Down The Street-- A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ...

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?” She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.” --Two Senior Widows-- Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking. Dorothy: “That nice George Johnston asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.” Edna: “Well, I’ll tell...

This is a letter from a man to his wife. Dear wife, I am writing this letter to tell you that I am leaving you forever. I’ve been a good person to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These are the last 2 weeks it was hell. Your boss called me and said you quit today and that was the last straw. Advertisement Last week, you came home with a new haircut, cooked your favorite meal, and didn’t even notice that you were wearing a brand new pair of silk boxers. 2 minutes later you ate and watched all your soaps and went straight to sleep. You won’t tell me you love me anymore; You don’t want Sex or anything that binds us together as husband and wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; anyway i’m off… Your ex-husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your sister and I are moving to West Virginia! Have a good life! --A flight is on its way to Sydney-- A flight is on its way to Sydney, Australia when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the fir...

jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine. Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix. Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on L...

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh sh*t” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another t...

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the...

Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old The first one said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.” The second lady says, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.” The third one says, ” Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have any of those problems, knock on wood.” As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said, “That must be the door… I'll get it!” --What Did You Just Say – Humor-- A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him he whispered, eyes full of tears: “You know what? You have been with me al...

Mr. Robinson came home in great ex'ci''tement and said to his wife, “You’ll never believe it, dear, but I’ve discovered an entirely new position for love . making.” “Really,” said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. “What is it?” “Back to back.”. “But that’s crazy. We can’t do anything back to back.” “Yes we can. I’ve persuaded another couple to help out.” --The wife straddles the husbands face -- A wife wants to try 69 with her husband The husband says “what’s that” “I’ll show you” the wife says The wife then straddles the husbands face and farts. The wife then scurries off embarrassed. “Sorry I didn’t mean to do that let me try again” says the wife The wife straddles the husbands face and once again farts directly in his face. The husband shoves off his wife. “I don’t want to do this anymore” says the husband “Why not?” Questions the wife “Because I’ll be damned if I lay here for 67 more!” Exclaims the husband.

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice. “I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce.” The husband says nothing. He keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45mph. The wife speaks again. “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it.” She says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are.” Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph. She pushes her luck. “I want a house.” She says insistently. Up to 60 mph. “I want the car, too.” She continues. 65mph. “And,” she says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!” The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes her nervous, so she asks him, “Isn’t ...

Garth and his wife Sadie are having dinner at an upmarket restaurant in Melbourne, when an attractive young redhead walks by, smiles at Garth and says, “Hello Garth.” Sadie immediately asks, “And who was that girl who just spoke to you?” Garth replies, “Oh her, that’s my girlfriend.” “You have a mistress? I don’t believe you. How long has this been going on?” says Sadie. “About ten years, on and off.” answers Garth. “Ten years?”, says Sadie. “You swine! I’ll see a solicitor tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. I’ll ruin you, you wait and see.” “Now hold on Sadie,” responds Garth, “just think about it for a minute. If we get a divorce, you will only get only half of what we have together now. You won’t have our big house in Homestead, you’ll no longer get a new Lexus as your birthday present from me each year, you won’t be able to play golf all day with your friends, you won’t …” But before Garth can continue, a blonde walks past and says to him, “Hello, nice to see ...

One day little Johnny asks his father “Dad, why do grown-ups like to exercise in bed?” Wife was cooking dinner when she heard little Johnny ask, so she eavesdrops and listens to what her husband will have to say.  Father “because it makes grown ups happy” Johnny “I want to be happy too” Father “then you have to wait until you’re a grown up” Johnny “but who will exercise with me when I grow up?”  Father “hopefully when you get married, it will be your wife” Johnny “but dad, how come our neighbour Sally exercises with you” Wife rushes out of the kitchen, ambulance arrives 10 minutes later.  --A Lion Stands Upon His Rock--  A lion stands on his rock and lets out a large roar. Immediately, every animal goes up to the lion and crowds around him.  “I have heard rumours from one of you,” begins the lion.  “I have heard rumours that one of you is trying to take the throne from me, the king of the savannah.  As king, I suggest I have a fight with anyone who wan...

there were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, “Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpa? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, “No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.” So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, “Will you please make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa again says, “No, not now. I don’t really want to do that. I’m in a grumpy mood. Maybe later.” Then the third little boy comes out and says, “Grandpa, oh please… Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?” “Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa asked. The little boy replied with a hopeful face, “Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!” --A middle aged couple decided to try one last time-- A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months lat...

young woman, (a new teacher) was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?” “Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.” “Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.” The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny Billy?” “Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters.” Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.” Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out la...

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $ 100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $ 96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking...

The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war. The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins. He got to a phone and called her right away. “Oh honey, I’m so happy,” he said “Who took you to the hospital?” “Your brother, Joe, drove me, and since I had to be anesthetized he named the twins.” The husband was horrified “But, but, Joe is an idiot! Oh no! What did he name them?” The wife answered, “We have a girl and a boy Joe named the girl De-niece.” The husband interrupted, “Well, that’s not so bad What did he name the boy?” “Joe named the boy De-nephew.” --A beautiful redhead-- A beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her...

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?” She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.” --Two Senior Widows-- Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking. Dorothy: “That nice George Johnston asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.” Edna: “Well, I’ll tell...

Two elderly women were having a late lunch and a drink at a local pub one afternoon when Ethel noticed something funny about Mable’s ear and said, “Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Mable answered, “I have? A suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.” --A Housewife Takes A Lover During The Day-- A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: “Dark in here.” Man: “Yes it is.” Boy: “I have a baseball.” Man: “That’s nice.” Boy: “Want to buy it?” Man: “No, thanks.” Boy: “My dad’s outside.” Man: “OK, how much?” Boy: “£250.” In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together. Boy: “Dark in here.” Man: “Yes, it ...

A woman meets an elderly man in a bar. They talk: they connect: they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It’s obvious that he’s taken time to lovingly arrange them, and she’s immediately touched by the amount of thought he’s put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn’t mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after a while, she finds hersel...

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time. Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing, I said. Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was “only thinking of me” and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club. She replied, “Are you nuts? you are 73 years old, and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?” I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me, “Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.” Oh man, I’m in trouble again; I really don’t know what to do… I signed up for five jumps a week.” The line went quiet and her friend picked ...

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, “I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.” I said, “Well, then why are you crying?” He said, “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.” I said, “Well, why are you crying?” He said, “For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours” I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?” He said, “I can’t remember where I live!” --One night a little girl walks in on her parents having s'e'x-- The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mot...

A woman is at the funeral of her husband, everyone is going up to say kind words about him, when one man turns around to the wife and says, “Would you mind if i went up and said a few words?” She replied, “Of course not, please feel free to.” So the man walks up to the front of the church and says into the microphone, “Plethora.”and sits back down. Once he gets back to his seat, the wife is in tears and she says, “Thank you so much, that means a lot.” --That Rubber Thingy-- An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down. As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, “If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.” The old man snaps back, “Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!”