the three boys

After going through the line at a crowded mall cafeteria,

The three rambunctious teenage boys found they were forced to share a table with a kindly looking old lady.

One of the lads decided to have a bit of fun at the woman’s expense and, nudging one of his buddies under the table, suddenly remarked,

“Did your folks ever get married?”

“Nope,” replied his tablemate, picking up the put on.

“How about you?”

“They never bothered,” answered the first young man.

“That’s nothing,” interrupted the third,

“my mother doesn’t even know who my father is.”

The elderly woman looked up from her coffee and said sweetly.
“Excuse me, but would one of you little b@stards please pass the sugar?”
-- An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom… --
So the wife goes to an adult toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking.
The worker suggests some cr0tch-less p@nties and takes her to see some.

The wife looks at them and thinks they’re perfect She can’t wait to get home and wear them for her husband.

When she gets home she finds her husband is still out.

She makes her way up the bedroom to put on her new p@nties.
She eagerly waits for her husband to get home.
After some time she hears him come in.
He calls out to her, “where are you??”
“I’m in the bedroom, dear!” She replies.
He makes his way up to the bedroom and sees his wife laying back in bed.
“Want some of this?” She asks as she spreads her legs open to give him a nice view.
The man takes one looks and says,
“Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!”

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my sisters

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.

As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming.

The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”

She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing.

“That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises.

“Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.”

“You’re absolutely right sweetheart, ”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.

“Now why were you laughing?” she asked.

“You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.

“True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.

“Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter.

“Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”

“Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”
--little Johnny father--
For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”

The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”

Little Joe told him: “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!”

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grandma ask his daughter

The Pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor’s family expanded; so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor’s expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, “Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.”

Silence fell over the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”
The entire congregation said, “Amen.”
--One For Each of My Brothers--
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walked into a bar and ordered three mugs of Bud.
He sat in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.

The bartender approached and told the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom, and left it there.

The cowboy became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way. He ordered three mugs and drank them in turn.
One day, he came in and only ordered two mugs. All the regulars took notice and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned in his eyes and he laughed.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explained. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

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our sisters

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.

As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming.

The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”

She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing.

“That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises.

“Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.”

“You’re absolutely right sweetheart, ”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.

“Now why were you laughing?” she asked.

“You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.

“True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.

“Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter.

“Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”

“Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”
--little Johnny father--
For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”

The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”

Little Joe told him: “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!”

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sweet daughter

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters,

decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.

He went to his wife and said, “I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded,
“Have you been fooling around on me?”
His wife confessed, “Not this time.”
--There is a girl walking up the stairs--
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.
As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any shorts.
He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some inner wear as it is not good to walk around here like this.
The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy inner wear for her When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened.

Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her inner wear, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church

As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs.

The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.

The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly.

The priest then gives the lady $1 and says,

“Take this money and for God’s Sake, buy yourself a razor.

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Elderly Women Were Having Lunch

Two elderly women were having a late lunch and a drink at a local pub one afternoon when Ethel noticed something funny about Mable’s ear and said,

“Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”

Mable answered,

“I have? A suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said,
“Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”
--A Housewife Takes A Lover During The Day--
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “My dad’s outside.”

Man: “OK, how much?”

Boy: “£250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes, it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “I’ll tell.”

Man: “How much?”

Boy: “£750.”

Man: “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy,

“Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”

The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The son says, “£1,000.”

The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again!!”

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my husband

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light...
"No madam," said the gardener.
--Her husband had been slipping--



Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!

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my wife when i am home

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger.

I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms.

She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute.

I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door.

I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

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My old son

Fred is 34 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”

Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”

His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl.

She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”

The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
--An Elderly Couple Was Celebrating Their Sixtieth Anniversary – --
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
vIt was not locked, so they entered and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers.

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.

Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.
Jerry said, Shes lying.
She hid it up in the attic. Sally said
Sally said,Don’t believe him, hes getting senile The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ….
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We”re outta here!

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90 old man want married

A 70-year-old man has never been married.

One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight.

They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?”

“Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man.

“The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -”

His friend interrupts him.

“A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?”
“Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday.”

--Family Visiting--

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
 From under the blanket she notices four legs instead of two!

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

-Hi darling, he says,

-Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.

Hope you said hello to them.

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husband come home

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked.

"No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son."

"Well, obviously!"

She gasped. "What do you mean?"

"It was your idea in the first place! You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him. I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred."

--A grandfather asks his grandchild to bring him the blue pill and he would put 50€ in his wallet--

The grandchild after searching for that blue pill in the whole neighborhood, finally finds it and gives it to his grandfather

Next morning he wakes up and finds 350€ in his wallet instead of 50€

Being confused about that goes to his grandfather and explains him what happened

Then his grandfather tells him "I put only 50€...

...The rest 300€ were put by your grandma"

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my grandma so gentle

A woman is at the funeral of her husband, everyone is going up to say kind words about him, when one man turns around to the wife and says,

“Would you mind if i went up and said a few words?”

She replied, “Of course not, please feel free to.” So the man walks up to the front of the church and says into the microphone, “Plethora.”and sits back down.
Once he gets back to his seat, the wife is in tears and she says, “Thank you so much, that means a lot.”
--That Rubber Thingy--
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.
As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.
As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says,

“If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.”

The old man snaps back,

“Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!”

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wife ask her man

 A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.

  He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.

 He left for the office. 

  The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.

  Soon they became friends. In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.

  She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.   The Girl responded; “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. 

  I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house” The woman agreed. 

A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.

 The Girl jumped into the front passenger seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.

 Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.

 When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife. 

Nothing much was said along the way. 

He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house. 

The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home? If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home? What would you do if you are the wife?

 --A Boy Decides To Learn The Language Of All Animals.-- 

 A boy decides to learn the language of all animals. 

– Dad, there is a school where you can learn the language of animals. 

Please, give me money to go there and study. 

Fathers agree and give him money After a year, the son returns home and the father decides to test his skills -Son, did you learn the language? -Yes father. Do you hear the cow mooing? She says that she is about to give you 10 litres of milk.

 -That’s impossible, this cow can give no more than a litre. 

Dad milked the cow and it actually gave him 10 litres of milk Dad’s super confused but decided that it was a coincidence -Do you hear that hen?

 She says that she is about to lay 5 eggs now -That’s impossible, that hen has never laid any eggs before. 

Dad still goes there and checks for the eggs and there actually are 5 eggs laid Dad is confused but starts to believe his son The second day son sees a donkey running away from his dad and hee-hawing.

 Dad trying to pull up his trousers and chase the donkey and screaming to his son: – Don’t trust this donkey, she’s lying, don’t believe it son.

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me and my husband

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light...
"No madam," said the gardener.
--Her husband had been slipping--

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!

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wife and husband

Wife sent text to husband
“Hi I will get late, please cook dinner, then wash all dirty dishes and make sure you prepare our bed and put kids to sleep before I return…..

She sent another text,

“And I forgot to mention…. I have also bought a bottle of BLUE LABEL PREMIUM SCOTCH WHISKY for you……

He texted _“ really ?”

She replied, “No…. I just wanted to make sure you got my first message”
--The woman seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers--
A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” he replied.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes. I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the flustered bartender managed to stammer.

“Tell him,” she whispered, “There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

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Garth and his wife having dinner

Garth and his wife Sadie are having dinner at an upmarket restaurant in Melbourne, when an attractive young redhead walks by, smiles at Garth and says, “Hello Garth.”

Sadie immediately asks, “And who was that girl who just spoke to you?”

Garth replies, “Oh her, that’s my girlfriend.”

“You have a mistress? I don’t believe you. How long has this been going on?” says Sadie.

“About ten years, on and off.” answers Garth.

“Ten years?”, says Sadie. “You swine! I’ll see a solicitor tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. I’ll ruin you, you wait and see.”

“Now hold on Sadie,” responds Garth, “just think about it for a minute. If we get a divorce, you will only get only half of what we have together now.

You won’t have our big house in Homestead, you’ll no longer get a new Lexus as your birthday present from me each year, you won’t be able to play golf all day with your friends, you won’t …”

But before Garth can continue, a blonde walks past and says to him, “Hello, nice to see you again.”

Sadie asks, “And who was that, another of your ‘girls’?”

Garth replies, “No, that’s Harry’s mistress.”

“You mean that Harry also has a mistress?” says Sadie, surprised.
Garth answers, “Of course, she’s been with him for nearly twelve years.”
Sadie then says, proudly, “I like ours a lot better.”
--Farmer Joe had a nagging wife--
Farmer Joe had a nagging wife who made his life miserable.
The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.
One day when he was out in the field, Joe’s wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.

Suddenly, Joe’s old mule kicked up his back legs, striking her in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Joe’s minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Joe he would nod his head up and down.

But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Joe and asked “Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?”

“Well,” Joe replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, “Is that mule for sale?”

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Elderly Women Were Having A Lunch

Two elderly women were having a late lunch and a drink at a local pub one afternoon when Ethel noticed something funny about Mable’s ear and said,

“Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”

Mable answered,

“I have? A suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said,
“Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”
--A Housewife Takes A Lover During The Day--
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “My dad’s outside.”

Man: “OK, how much?”

Boy: “£250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes, it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “I’ll tell.”

Man: “How much?”

Boy: “£750.”

Man: “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy,

“Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”

The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The son says, “£1,000.”

The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again!!”

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dan and the wife

Dan married one of a pair of identical twins.
Less then a year later he was in court filing for divorce.
"Tell the court why you want a divorce," the judge said.
"Well, Your Honor," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical twins, sometimes I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said.

"Exactly, Your Honor. That's why I want the divorce.
--After a long night of making love--
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.

“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.

“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”

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he ask me

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, “Where did you get that turkey?”
The boy replied, “What turkey?”
The game warden said, “That turkey you’re carrying under your arm.”
The boy looks down and said, “Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!”
The game warden said, “Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I’m going to do to you.
If you break his wing, I’ll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I’ll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?”
The little boy said, “I guess I’ll just kiss his ass and let him go!”
--An Elder And His Son Were Herding Sheep--
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew.
The older man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated.
“What are these guys in the big suits doing?”
A member of the crew said they were practising for their trip to the moon.
The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it.
He refused.
The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder’s message.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator.
His translation of the old man’s message was:
“Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land.”

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happy grandpa

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, “I have a 22 year old wife at home.

She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”

I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”

He said, “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.”

I said, “Well, why are you crying?”

He said, “For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours”

I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”

He said, “I can’t remember where I live!”
--One night a little girl walks in on her parents having s'e'x--
The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.

“What are you doing, Mommy?”

The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.

“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”

The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
--A man is in a hotel lobby--
He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

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my grandma was so gentle

A woman is at the funeral of her husband, everyone is going up to say kind words about him, when one man turns around to the wife and says,

“Would you mind if i went up and said a few words?”

She replied, “Of course not, please feel free to.” So the man walks up to the front of the church and says into the microphone, “Plethora.”and sits back down.
Once he gets back to his seat, the wife is in tears and she says, “Thank you so much, that means a lot.”
--That Rubber Thingy--
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.
As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.
As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says,

“If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.”

The old man snaps back,

“Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!”

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An Irish daughter

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

Where have ye been all this time, child?

Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn’t ye call?

Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?”

The girl, crying, replied:

“Dad… I became a pro s /tit /ute.”

Ye what!? Get out a here, ye sha/mel/ess har lot! Sin ner!

“You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”

“OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate.

For me little brother, this gold Rolex.

And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.”

“What was it ye said ye had become?” says Dad.

Girl, crying again:

“A prost!tute, Daddy!.”

Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Prot::es::tant!

Come here and give yer old Dad a hug
-- A man and his wife went to the zoo.--
They found a Monkey who was passionately playing with his female.

His wife said to him,

“What a romantic animal.”

Then, they found a Lion and his Lioness separated from each other; the silent Lion sat alone in his corner as if the Lioness doesn’t exist.

His wife said to him,

“What a sad scene without love.”

Her husband then said to her,

“Throw that stone at the Lioness and watch.”

When she threw the stone at the Lioness, the Lion roared to defend his Lioness, then she was asked to repeat it with the Monkey, the Monkey then jumped up and climbed the tree and abandoned his female to save his own skin.

Her husband then told her,

“Do not be deceived by what you see as romance in outward show, oftentimes, it is a deceptive appearance just to hide an empty heart; there are others on the contrary who are relaxed, but their hearts are full of sincere love.”

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a wife ask the husband

 A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.

  He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.

 He left for the office. 

  The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.

  Soon they became friends. In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.

  She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.   The Girl responded; “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. 

  I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house” The woman agreed. 

A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.

 The Girl jumped into the front passenger seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.

 Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.

 When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife. 

Nothing much was said along the way. 

He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house. 

The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home? If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home? What would you do if you are the wife?

 --A Boy Decides To Learn The Language Of All Animals.-- 

 A boy decides to learn the language of all animals. 

– Dad, there is a school where you can learn the language of animals. 

Please, give me money to go there and study. 

Fathers agree and give him money After a year, the son returns home and the father decides to test his skills -Son, did you learn the language? -Yes father. Do you hear the cow mooing? She says that she is about to give you 10 litres of milk.

 -That’s impossible, this cow can give no more than a litre. 

Dad milked the cow and it actually gave him 10 litres of milk Dad’s super confused but decided that it was a coincidence -Do you hear that hen?

 She says that she is about to lay 5 eggs now -That’s impossible, that hen has never laid any eggs before. 

Dad still goes there and checks for the eggs and there actually are 5 eggs laid Dad is confused but starts to believe his son The second day son sees a donkey running away from his dad and hee-hawing.

 Dad trying to pull up his trousers and chase the donkey and screaming to his son: – Don’t trust this donkey, she’s lying, don’t believe it son.

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a women and his husband

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light...
"No madam," said the gardener.
--Her husband had been slipping--
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!

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fred came to home

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked.

"No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son."

"Well, obviously!"

She gasped. "What do you mean?"

"It was your idea in the first place! You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him. I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred."

--A grandfather asks his grandchild to bring him the blue pill and he would put 50€ in his wallet--

The grandchild after searching for that blue pill in the whole neighborhood, finally finds it and gives it to his grandfather

Next morning he wakes up and finds 350€ in his wallet instead of 50€

Being confused about that goes to his grandfather and explains him what happened

Then his grandfather tells him "I put only 50€...

...The rest 300€ were put by your grandma"

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the young couple

Wife sent text to husband
“Hi I will get late, please cook dinner, then wash all dirty dishes and make sure you prepare our bed and put kids to sleep before I return…..

She sent another text,

“And I forgot to mention…. I have also bought a bottle of BLUE LABEL PREMIUM SCOTCH WHISKY for you……

He texted _“ really ?”

She replied, “No…. I just wanted to make sure you got my first message”
--The woman seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers--
A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” he replied.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes. I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the flustered bartender managed to stammer.

“Tell him,” she whispered, “There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

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couple visit their friends

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what!
Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."

"But why?" asked the startled father.
"Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."
"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."
--The old man says to the woman--
There’s an elderly man and woman sitting in the sun room of a retirement home.
The old man says to the woman, “For five dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that rocking chair over there.
For ten dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that couch.

But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you’ll never forget.”

The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.

The man says, “So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?”

The woman replies, “No, I want four times in the rocker.”

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80 old man want married

A 70-year-old man has never been married.

One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight.

They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?”

“Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man.

“The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -”

His friend interrupts him.

“A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?”
“Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday.”

--Family Visiting--

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
 From under the blanket she notices four legs instead of two!

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

-Hi darling, he says,

-Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.

Hope you said hello to them.

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my beauty twins

The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war.
The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins.

He got to a phone and called her right away. “Oh honey, I’m so happy,” he said

“Who took you to the hospital?”

“Your brother, Joe, drove me, and since I had to be anesthetized he named the twins.”

The husband was horrified
“But, but, Joe is an idiot! Oh no! What did he name them?”

The wife answered, “We have a girl and a boy

Joe named the girl De-niece.”

The husband interrupted, “Well, that’s not so bad
What did he name the boy?”
“Joe named the boy De-nephew.”
--A beautiful redhead--
A beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place.

“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together.

Afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks at a bar

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.

He says yes and they return to her place.

He ends up staying the night.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is He can’t believe his luck
“You know,” he said, “You are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies,

“You just happened to catch my eye.”

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