Grandma funnies

Sue phones her husband at work, “Dan, do you have time for a chat?”

“Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting.”

“But this won’t take long,” Sue says, “I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news.”
“I really haven’t the time,” says Dan, “so just quickly tell me the good news.”
“Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your brand new Mercedes works very well.”
--A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning--
A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.
After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.
“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”
“Simple. I’m not going.”

“Why not?”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.

First of all, the church is cold in the morning.

It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.

Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.

And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going.

First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.

Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”

birthday lady

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…”

The bartender says, “Well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink.

In fact, this one is on me.” As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.”

The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming up,” says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”

The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”

“Coming right up,” the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?” The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor.

Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”

--They Walk Among--

My husband and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.

She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.’

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said ‘We’re sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.’ The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the people at MacD’s.

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, ‘You need a 1/4 horsepower.’

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ‘NOOO, it’s not.

Four is larger than two.’ We haven’t used that repairman since…

I live in a semi rural area.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: ‘Too many deer’s are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’ He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’

To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it’s safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an ‘intellectually challenged’ co-worker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the beeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, ‘what on earth are blind people doing driving?!’ She is a government employee…..

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘its open!’ His reply, ‘I know.

I already did that side.’ STAY ALERT! They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…

couple have breakfast

rustic wooden table, young and in love, embarking on a journey together,” he reminisced, his eyes glinting with nostalgia.

As the sun streamed through the kitchen window, illuminating the room with a golden hue, Helen traced the rim of her teacup, a small smile playing on her lips. “It feels like yesterday, doesn’t it?” she mused, her voice tinged with warmth.

They both gazed at each other, sharing a lifetime of memories etched within their eyes.

“Fifty years of laughter, tears, joys, and challenges,” Helen continued, her voice tinged with emotion. “We’ve weathered storms and celebrated triumphs, always together.”

Her husband, George, reached across the table, taking her hand tenderly. “Our journey has been woven with threads of love and understanding. Remember the struggles we faced, yet the strength we found in each other?”

The room seemed to embrace their history, the love that had grown deeper with time palpable in the air.

“Yes, dear,” George nodded. “We’ve seen the world change, witnessed moments that shaped history, and nurtured a family that has brought us immense pride.”

Their conversation meandered through cherished memories, from the birth of their children to the countless family gatherings around this very table. The echoes of laughter and the bittersweet symphony of life lingered in the air.

“We’ve learned that love isn’t just a feeling; it’s a choice, a commitment,” Helen remarked, her eyes glimmering with wisdom earned through decades of shared experiences. “It’s about understanding, compromise, and unwavering support.”

George nodded in agreement, his heart swelling with gratitude for the remarkable woman seated across from him. “And through it all, you’ve been my rock, my confidante, my best friend,” he whispered, his voice filled with tenderness.

Their love story, a tapestry woven with dedication and unwavering devotion, had become an inspiration to those around them.
As they finished their breakfast, Helen gazed at George, her heart full of gratitude. “Here’s to fifty more years,” she said, a playful twinkle in her eye.

George chuckled softly, his love for her radiating. “Indeed, my love. Here’s to many more chapters in our beautiful journey together.”

Their laughter filled the room, a testament to the enduring power of love, commitment, and the timeless beauty of a relationship that had stood the test of fifty remarkable years.
--Feel Like A Woman--
On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it!
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

He's drop-dead gorgeous.

Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt.
Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Here, iron this."

a wife and her husband

Dolly wanted a new living room set but her husband kept saying.

“No.” Every day she would ask him to please let her have the set.

Every day he would say. “No.”

One day he decided to end this discussion once and for all.

When Dolly asked, he looked at her and said.

“You can have that living room set you have been wanting, but only on one condition.”

Dolly was so excited!

“Anything you want, honey!”

“Well.” He began.

“When you grow hair on your chest, I’ll buy you that living room.”

“Grow hair on my ch'e's't?”

Dolly was devastated.

“How am I going to do that?”

Her husband just smiled and went off to work.

Arriving home that night, he found Dolly waiting for him.

Her eyes sparkled and the smile she wore was almost as big as the day they wed.

“Honey.” She trilled. “I ordered my living room set this afternoon!”

“You did?” Her husband stammered.

“You have hair on your chest now? I mean real hair, not a toupee, or some animal hair pasted on!”

“I sure do!” She replied.

“No way! Let me see it.” Replied her husband. “OK!” She said as she lifted up her skirt.

“There it is!” She pointed to her privates.

“HONEY! That is not your chest!”

“Oh, yes it is! Before we were married it was your ‘hope’ chest. Since we’ve been married it’s been your ‘tool’ chest. And if I don’t get my living room set, it’s going to be the ‘community’ chest!”
--Funny Joke: After a long night of making love, the man got a real shock--
After a long night of making love, Ben rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked Penny if she had one at hand.

“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.

“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend then?” he asked. “No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Penny replied,

“That’s me before the operation.”

in the parking

An old lady was stopped to pull into a parking space
when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for.
The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said,
“I was going to park there!”
The man was a real smart alec and he said,
“That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.”
“Well, this really upset the lady, even more,
So she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and ploughed straight into his Mercedes.
The young man ran back to his car and asked,
“What did you do that for?”
The little old lady smiled and told him,
“That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!”
--An Arrogant Professor Gets A Seat Beside An Old Man --
An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat beside an old man.
Mid-flight, the professor decides to play a game with the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says:
“Hey, do you want to play a little game with me?”
The old man looks at him and says: “Depends. What type of game?”
The professor goes on to explain the game:
“Taking turns, we’ll ask each other one question at a time. If the other knows the answer, the asker gives him one dollar, and if he doesn’t, he gives one dollar to the asker. Want to play?”
The professor grins, knowing his general knowledge is vastly superior.
To his dismay, the old man refuses! Determined to make him agree, the professor raises the stakes for him.
“If I lose, I ‘ll give you two dollars instead of one!”

“No.”
“Five dollars!”
“No.”
“Ten dollars!”
“I told you, no.”
Desperate, the professor makes one final offer: “If I lose, I’ll give you a hundred dollars, and if you lose you’ll only give me one!”

The professor pleads. The old man ponders this, and then sighs. “Only if I get to start”, and the professor immediately agrees.
“Ask away”, the professor says, confident he’ll never lose.
The old man asks: “What has five heads, forty feet, and lives inside of a bucket?”
The professor turns the riddle over in his head, trying to find anything that fits the description.

After an hour of intense concentration, the professor gives up. G rumbling, he pulls out his wallet and gives the old man $100.

He wastes no time and asks him: “So what has five heads, forty feet, and lives inside of a bucket?”
The old man smiles, shrugs and says:
“I’ve got no idea. Here’s your dollar.”

grandaughter

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:

Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $ 100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $ 96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $ 4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!
-- An Old Man, Who Just Moved To Montana--
An old cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the old cowboy,
“You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The old man replies,
“Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The old man becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
“I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The old man looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains.
“It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”
“It hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

three boys

After going through the line at a crowded mall cafeteria,

The three rambunctious teenage boys found they were forced to share a table with a kindly looking old lady.

One of the lads decided to have a bit of fun at the woman’s expense and, nudging one of his buddies under the table, suddenly remarked,

“Did your folks ever get married?”

“Nope,” replied his tablemate, picking up the put on.

“How about you?”

“They never bothered,” answered the first young man.

“That’s nothing,” interrupted the third,

“my mother doesn’t even know who my father is.”

The elderly woman looked up from her coffee and said sweetly.
“Excuse me, but would one of you little b@stards please pass the sugar?”
-- An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom… --
So the wife goes to an adult toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking.
The worker suggests some cr0tch-less p@nties and takes her to see some.

The wife looks at them and thinks they’re perfect She can’t wait to get home and wear them for her husband.

When she gets home she finds her husband is still out.

She makes her way up the bedroom to put on her new p@nties.
She eagerly waits for her husband to get home.
After some time she hears him come in.
He calls out to her, “where are you??”
“I’m in the bedroom, dear!” She replies.
He makes his way up to the bedroom and sees his wife laying back in bed.
“Want some of this?” She asks as she spreads her legs open to give him a nice view.
The man takes one looks and says,
“Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!”

my wife when i go home

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger.

I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms.

She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute.

I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door.

I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

friends are having dinner

Garth and his wife Sadie are having dinner at an upmarket restaurant in Melbourne, when an attractive young redhead walks by, smiles at Garth and says, “Hello Garth.”

Sadie immediately asks, “And who was that girl who just spoke to you?”

Garth replies, “Oh her, that’s my girlfriend.”

“You have a mistress? I don’t believe you. How long has this been going on?” says Sadie.

“About ten years, on and off.” answers Garth.

“Ten years?”, says Sadie. “You swine! I’ll see a solicitor tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. I’ll ruin you, you wait and see.”

“Now hold on Sadie,” responds Garth, “just think about it for a minute. If we get a divorce, you will only get only half of what we have together now.

You won’t have our big house in Homestead, you’ll no longer get a new Lexus as your birthday present from me each year, you won’t be able to play golf all day with your friends, you won’t …”

But before Garth can continue, a blonde walks past and says to him, “Hello, nice to see you again.”

Sadie asks, “And who was that, another of your ‘girls’?”

Garth replies, “No, that’s Harry’s mistress.”

“You mean that Harry also has a mistress?” says Sadie, surprised.
Garth answers, “Of course, she’s been with him for nearly twelve years.”
Sadie then says, proudly, “I like ours a lot better.”
--Farmer Joe had a nagging wife--
Farmer Joe had a nagging wife who made his life miserable.
The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.
One day when he was out in the field, Joe’s wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.

Suddenly, Joe’s old mule kicked up his back legs, striking her in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Joe’s minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Joe he would nod his head up and down.

But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Joe and asked “Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?”

“Well,” Joe replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, “Is that mule for sale?”

a married couple

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.

The husband is behind the wheel.

His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice.

“I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce.”

The husband says nothing. He keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45mph.

The wife speaks again.

“I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it.”

She says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are.”

Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph.

She pushes her luck.

“I want a house.”

She says insistently. Up to 60 mph. “I want the car, too.” She continues. 65mph. “And,” she says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!” The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes her nervous, so she asks him, “Isn’t there anything you want?” The husband ... The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need, ” he says. “Oh, really,” she inquires. “So what have you got?” Just before they slam into the wall at 65mph, the husband turns to her and smiles. “The airbag!”
--A Boy and a Frog--
A 6 yr old boy was in the market with his 4 yr old sister. Suddenly the boy found that his sister was lagging behind.
He stopped and looked back. His sister was standing in front of a toy shop and was watching something with great interest.

The boy went back to her and asked, “Do you want something?” The sister pointed at the doll. The boy held her hand and like a responsible elder brother, gave that doll to her. The sister was very very happy…

The shopkeeper was watching everything and getting amused to see the matured behaviour of the boy…

Now the boy came to the counter and asked the shopkeeper, “What is the cost of this doll, Sir? !”

The shopkeeper was a cool man and had experienced the odds of life. So he asked the boy with a lot of love affection, “Well, What can you pay?”

The boy took out all the shells that he had collected from sea shore, from his pocket and gave them to the shopkeeper.

The shopkeeper took the shells and started counting as if he were counting the currency. Then he looked at the boy. The boy asked him worriedly, “Is it less?”

The shopkeeper said, “No, No… These are more than the cost. So I will return the remaining.” Saying so, he kept only 4 shells with him and returned the remaining.

The boy, very happily kept those shells back in his pocket and went away with his sister.

A servant in that shop got very surprised watching all these. He asked his master, “Sir ! You gave away such a costly doll just for 4 shells ???”

The shopkeeper said with a smile, “Well, for us these are mere shells.

But for that boy, these shells are very precious. And at this age he does not understand what money is, but when he will grow up, he definitely will.

And when he would remember that he purchased a doll with the Shells instead of Money, he will remember me and think that world is full of Good people.

It will help him develop a positive attitude and he too in turn will feel motivated to be Good.”

Mind Mantra – Whatever emotion you infuse into the world, it will further spread. If you do good, goodness will spread. If you do bad, negativity will spread.

Realize you are a very powerful source of energy.

Your good or bad will come back to you magnified. Not in the ways you want it, and probably not in the ways you can understand it. But it will come back.

Loved it….hence posted.

Keep your circle positive. Don’t forget to share this piece of goodness with your circle.

teacher and me

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Six.”

Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven!”

Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”
--Funny Joke ‣ Men Being Men--
There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry.
So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.
The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money.

She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man.

She said, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.”

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest.

She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money.

Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

my husband and i

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light...
"No madam," said the gardener.
--Her husband had been slipping--
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!

our twins

The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war.
The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins.

He got to a phone and called her right away. “Oh honey, I’m so happy,” he said

“Who took you to the hospital?”

“Your brother, Joe, drove me, and since I had to be anesthetized he named the twins.”

The husband was horrified
“But, but, Joe is an idiot! Oh no! What did he name them?”

The wife answered, “We have a girl and a boy

Joe named the girl De-niece.”

The husband interrupted, “Well, that’s not so bad
What did he name the boy?”
“Joe named the boy De-nephew.”
--A beautiful redhead--
A beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place.

“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together.

Afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks at a bar

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.

He says yes and they return to her place.

He ends up staying the night.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is He can’t believe his luck
“You know,” he said, “You are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies,

“You just happened to catch my eye.”

johnny ask his father

March 25, 2024

One day little Johnny asks his father “Dad, why do grown-ups like to exercise in bed?” Wife was cooking dinner when she heard little Johnny ask, so she eavesdrops and listens to what her husband will have to say.

Father “because it makes grown ups happy” Johnny “I want to be happy too” Father “then you have to wait until you’re a grown up” Johnny “but who will exercise with me when I grow up?”

Father “hopefully when you get married, it will be your wife” Johnny “but dad, how come our neighbour Sally exercises with you” Wife rushes out of the kitchen, ambulance arrives 10 minutes later.

--A Lion Stands Upon His Rock--

A lion stands on his rock and lets out a large roar. Immediately, every animal goes up to the lion and crowds around him.

“I have heard rumours from one of you,” begins the lion.

“I have heard rumours that one of you is trying to take the throne from me, the king of the savannah.

As king, I suggest I have a fight with anyone who wants to take it from me.

If you defeat me, I will give it to you with no more disputes, as proof that you have beaten me in a battle.”

Immediately, the baboon goes into a cave and begins working out.

Push-ups, sit-ups, jumping jacks, everything. Some giraffes pass by and ask “Hey baboon, what are you doing?” “I’m working out,” he says.

“I’m going to be the one who defeats the lion and become the king, but I gotta be strong before that.”

Several hours later, some hyenas pass by and ask the same thing.

“Getting strong, trying to build muscle.

I need to be the strongest to defeat the lion.

Now leave me, I need to keep going.”

The lion passes by, and he asks the baboon what he’s doing. “Oh, you know. Just exercising…

and spreading rumours around.”

Little Johnny Asks His Father

fred in university

March 25, 2024

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked.

"No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son."

"Well, obviously!"

She gasped. "What do you mean?"

"It was your idea in the first place! You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him. I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred."

--A grandfather asks his grandchild to bring him the blue pill and he would put 50€ in his wallet--

The grandchild after searching for that blue pill in the whole neighborhood, finally finds it and gives it to his grandfather

Next morning he wakes up and finds 350€ in his wallet instead of 50€

Being confused about that goes to his grandfather and explains him what happened

Then his grandfather tells him "I put only 50€...

...The rest 300€ were put by your grandma"

70 old man want married

A 70-year-old man has never been married.

One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight.

They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?”

“Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man.

“The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -”

His friend interrupts him.

“A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?”
“Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday.”

--Family Visiting--

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she notices four legs instead of two!

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

-Hi darling, he says,

-Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.

Hope you said hello to them.

my grandma and her husband

A woman is at the funeral of her husband, everyone is going up to say kind words about him, when one man turns around to the wife and says,

“Would you mind if i went up and said a few words?”

She replied, “Of course not, please feel free to.” So the man walks up to the front of the church and says into the microphone, “Plethora.”and sits back down.
Once he gets back to his seat, the wife is in tears and she says, “Thank you so much, that means a lot.”
--That Rubber Thingy--
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.
As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.
As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says,

“If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.”

The old man snaps back,

“Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!”

the mother and his daughter

As a woman passes her daughter’s closed bedroom door she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from inside.
Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vi''b'r''a''tor.
Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’
The daughter replied:
‘ Mum, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’
The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door.
Upon entering the room, he saw his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
He asked her what she was doing,
The daughter said:
‘ Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’
A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.
When she went in she saw her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked:
‘What the heck are you doing?’
To which the husband replied: ‘I’m watching football with my son-in-law.’
--A Man Walked Into A Supermarket --
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A checkout chick walked up to him and said,
“Your barracks door is open.”
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said,
“Your fly is open.”
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the girl was that told him about his “barracks door.”
He was planning to have a little fun with her,
So when he reached the counter he said,
“When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?”
The girl thought for a moment and said:
“No, no I didn’t……. but I saw a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.”.

my son

Fred is 34 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”

Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”

His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl.

She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”

The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
--An Elderly Couple Was Celebrating Their Sixtieth Anniversary – --
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
vIt was not locked, so they entered and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers.

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.

Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.
Jerry said, Shes lying.
She hid it up in the attic. Sally said
Sally said,Don’t believe him, hes getting senile The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ….
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We”re outta here!

happy man

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, “I have a 22 year old wife at home.

She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”

I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”

He said, “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.”

I said, “Well, why are you crying?”

He said, “For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours”

I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”

He said, “I can’t remember where I live!”
--One night a little girl walks in on her parents having s'e'x--
The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.

“What are you doing, Mommy?”

The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.

“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”

The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
--A man is in a hotel lobby--
He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

johnny in his room