Grandma funnies

Sue phones her husband at work, “Dan, do you have time for a chat?” “Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting.” “But this won’t take long,” Sue says, “I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news.” “I really haven’t the time,” says Dan, “so just quickly tell me the good news.” “Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your brand new Mercedes works very well.” --A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning-- A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning. After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church. “Why aren’t you dressed for church?” “Simple. I’m not going.” “Why not?” “Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going. First of all, the church is cold in the morning. It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me. Everyone is always talking about me behind my back. And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!” “Well, I’ll give ...

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…”   The bartender says, “Well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink.  In fact, this one is on me.” As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.”   The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming up,” says the bartender.  As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”  The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”   “Coming right up,” the bartender says.   As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?” The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learn...

rustic wooden table, young and in love, embarking on a journey together,” he reminisced, his eyes glinting with nostalgia. As the sun streamed through the kitchen window, illuminating the room with a golden hue, Helen traced the rim of her teacup, a small smile playing on her lips. “It feels like yesterday, doesn’t it?” she mused, her voice tinged with warmth. They both gazed at each other, sharing a lifetime of memories etched within their eyes. “Fifty years of laughter, tears, joys, and challenges,” Helen continued, her voice tinged with emotion. “We’ve weathered storms and celebrated triumphs, always together.” Her husband, George, reached across the table, taking her hand tenderly. “Our journey has been woven with threads of love and understanding. Remember the struggles we faced, yet the strength we found in each other?” The room seemed to embrace their history, the love that had grown deeper with time palpable in the air. “Yes, dear,” George nodded. “We’ve seen the wor...

Dolly wanted a new living room set but her husband kept saying. “No.” Every day she would ask him to please let her have the set. Every day he would say. “No.” One day he decided to end this discussion once and for all. When Dolly asked, he looked at her and said. “You can have that living room set you have been wanting, but only on one condition.” Dolly was so excited! “Anything you want, honey!” “Well.” He began. “When you grow hair on your chest, I’ll buy you that living room.” “Grow hair on my ch'e's't?” Dolly was devastated. “How am I going to do that?” Her husband just smiled and went off to work. Arriving home that night, he found Dolly waiting for him. Her eyes sparkled and the smile she wore was almost as big as the day they wed. “Honey.” She trilled. “I ordered my living room set this afternoon!” “You did?” Her husband stammered. “You have hair on your chest now? I mean real hair, not a toupee, ...

An old lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!” The man was a real smart alec and he said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.” “Well, this really upset the lady, even more, So she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and ploughed straight into his Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, “What did you do that for?” The little old lady smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!” --An Arrogant Professor Gets A Seat Beside An Old Man -- An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat beside an old man. Mid-flight, the professor decides to play a game with the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: “Hey, do you want to play a little game with me...

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $ 100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $ 96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking...

After going through the line at a crowded mall cafeteria, The three rambunctious teenage boys found they were forced to share a table with a kindly looking old lady. One of the lads decided to have a bit of fun at the woman’s expense and, nudging one of his buddies under the table, suddenly remarked, “Did your folks ever get married?” “Nope,” replied his tablemate, picking up the put on. “How about you?” “They never bothered,” answered the first young man. “That’s nothing,” interrupted the third, “my mother doesn’t even know who my father is.” The elderly woman looked up from her coffee and said sweetly. “Excuse me, but would one of you little b@stards please pass the sugar?” -- An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom… -- So the wife goes to an adult toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking. The worker suggests some cr0tch-less p@nties and takes her to see some. The w...

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with...

Garth and his wife Sadie are having dinner at an upmarket restaurant in Melbourne, when an attractive young redhead walks by, smiles at Garth and says, “Hello Garth.” Sadie immediately asks, “And who was that girl who just spoke to you?” Garth replies, “Oh her, that’s my girlfriend.” “You have a mistress? I don’t believe you. How long has this been going on?” says Sadie. “About ten years, on and off.” answers Garth. “Ten years?”, says Sadie. “You swine! I’ll see a solicitor tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. I’ll ruin you, you wait and see.” “Now hold on Sadie,” responds Garth, “just think about it for a minute. If we get a divorce, you will only get only half of what we have together now. You won’t have our big house in Homestead, you’ll no longer get a new Lexus as your birthday present from me each year, you won’t be able to play golf all day with your friends, you won’t …” But before Garth can continue, a blonde walks past and says to him, “Hello, nice to see ...

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice. “I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce.” The husband says nothing. He keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45mph. The wife speaks again. “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it.” She says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are.” Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph. She pushes her luck. “I want a house.” She says insistently. Up to 60 mph. “I want the car, too.” She continues. 65mph. “And,” she says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!” The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes her nervous, so she asks him, “I...

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Six.” Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven!” Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!” Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!” --Funny Joke ‣ Men Being Men-- There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it. The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money...

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom. The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her... When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light... "No madam," said the gardener. --Her husband had been slipping-- Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through...

The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war. The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins. He got to a phone and called her right away. “Oh honey, I’m so happy,” he said “Who took you to the hospital?” “Your brother, Joe, drove me, and since I had to be anesthetized he named the twins.” The husband was horrified “But, but, Joe is an idiot! Oh no! What did he name them?” The wife answered, “We have a girl and a boy Joe named the girl De-niece.” The husband interrupted, “Well, that’s not so bad What did he name the boy?” “Joe named the boy De-nephew.” --A beautiful redhead-- A beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her...

One day little Johnny asks his father “Dad, why do grown-ups like to exercise in bed?” Wife was cooking dinner when she heard little Johnny ask, so she eavesdrops and listens to what her husband will have to say.  Father “because it makes grown ups happy” Johnny “I want to be happy too” Father “then you have to wait until you’re a grown up” Johnny “but who will exercise with me when I grow up?”  Father “hopefully when you get married, it will be your wife” Johnny “but dad, how come our neighbour Sally exercises with you” Wife rushes out of the kitchen, ambulance arrives 10 minutes later.  --A Lion Stands Upon His Rock--  A lion stands on his rock and lets out a large roar. Immediately, every animal goes up to the lion and crowds around him.  “I have heard rumours from one of you,” begins the lion.  “I have heard rumours that one of you is trying to take the throne from me, the king of the savannah.  As king, I suggest I have a fight with anyone who wan...

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked. "No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?” Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city. Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son." "Well, obviously!" She gasped. "What do you mean?" "It was your idea in the first place! You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him. I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred." - -A grandfather asks his grandchild to bring him the blue pill and he would put 50€ in his wallet-- The grandchild after searching for that blue pill in the whole neighborhood, finally ...

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?” “Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man. “The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -” His friend interrupts him. “A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?” “Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday.” --Family Visiting-- Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.  From under the blanket she notices four legs instead of two! She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. -Hi darling, he says, -Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. H...

A woman is at the funeral of her husband, everyone is going up to say kind words about him, when one man turns around to the wife and says, “Would you mind if i went up and said a few words?” She replied, “Of course not, please feel free to.” So the man walks up to the front of the church and says into the microphone, “Plethora.”and sits back down. Once he gets back to his seat, the wife is in tears and she says, “Thank you so much, that means a lot.” --That Rubber Thingy-- An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down. As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, “If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.” The old man snaps back, “Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!”

As a woman passes her daughter’s closed bedroom door she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from inside. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vi''b'r''a''tor. Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’ The daughter replied: ‘ Mum, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’ The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he saw his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. He asked her what she was doing, The daughter said: ‘ Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’ A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. When s...

Fred is 34 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?” Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.” His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.” A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?” With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.” The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?” Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.” --An Elderly Couple Was Celebrating Their Sixtieth Anniversary – -- An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neigh...

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, “I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.” I said, “Well, then why are you crying?” He said, “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.” I said, “Well, why are you crying?” He said, “For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours” I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?” He said, “I can’t remember where I live!” --One night a little girl walks in on her parents having s'e'x-- The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mot...

Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce. “Why Daddy?” asked a confused Little Johnny. “Well, son” he explained, “Your mother and I are no longer in love.” Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, “What does being in love mean?” “Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door. Your mom and I have lost that love.” “But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home, so she must still be in love with you.” “I don’t understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited when I arrive home from work?” “Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with the neighbor, and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at the top of her lungs, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home --The madam opened the brothel door-- The madam opened the brothel door...

Wife sent text to husband “Hi I will get late, please cook dinner, then wash all dirty dishes and make sure you prepare our bed and put kids to sleep before I return….. She sent another text, “And I forgot to mention…. I have also bought a bottle of BLUE LABEL PREMIUM SCOTCH WHISKY for you…… He texted _“ really ?” She replied, “No…. I just wanted to make sure you got my first message” --The woman seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers-- A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. The woman seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. “Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,” he replied. “Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and int...

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $ 100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $ 96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking...

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…”   The bartender says, “Well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink.  In fact, this one is on me.” As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.”   The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming up,” says the bartender.  As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”  The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”   “Coming right up,” the bartender says.   As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?” The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learn...