Grandma funnies

  A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place. He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi. He left for the office. The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other. Soon they became friends. In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home. She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi. The Girl responded; “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house” The woman agreed. A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived. The Girl jumped into the front passenger seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed. ...

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.” She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing. “That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises. “Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.” “You’re absolutely right sweetheart, ”the mother assured her, turning to her mi...

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, He asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, No. Johnny asks, Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Just go to school. Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, Is Fred and Mary up yet?? She replies, No. Johnny says, Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school. After school, he comes home and asks, Is Fred and Mary up yet? His mom says, No. Johnny asks Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, OK! What do you think?? He says, Well, last night Fred came in my room for some Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.... --Funny Joke ‣ Blonde’s Prayer-- A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she...

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby. He went to his wife and said, “I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered. When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, “Have you been fooling around on me?” His wife confessed, “Not this time.” --There is a girl walking up the stairs-- There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any shorts. He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some inner wear as it is not good to walk around here like this. The girl then goes home and gives the money to he...

Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of a church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, These two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, “AMEN, BROTHER!” When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, “PREACH IT, REVEREND!” And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, “RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS… AMEN!” But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, “He’s quit preaching and now he’s meddlin’.” --A Man Walked Into A Supermarket. -- A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A checkout chick walked up to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.” Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Your fly is open.” He zipped up and finished his shopping. At th...

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked. "No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?” Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city. Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son." "Well, obviously!" She gasped. "What do you mean?" "It was your idea in the first place! You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him. I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred." - -A grandfather asks his grandchild to bring him the blue pill and he would put 50€ in his wallet-- The grandchild after searching for that blue pill in the whole neighborhood, finally...

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!” His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s butt and say, ‘Lets do it!’ And, she’s always sound asleep.” --An Old Carpenter Was Blind-- An old carpenter was blind, but he would sit in the pub carving little figures: If you asked what he was carving he would always tell you the kind of wood before he told you the figure. He bragged that he co...

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $ 100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $ 96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking...

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it? He said he’d offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.” “I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get and watch the expression on her face.” When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!” --Two old ladies were outside smoking -- Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain. ...

Sue phones her husband at work, “Dan, do you have time for a chat?” “Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting.” “But this won’t take long,” Sue says, “I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news.” “I really haven’t the time,” says Dan, “so just quickly tell me the good news.” “Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your brand new Mercedes works very well.” --A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning-- A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning. After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church. “Why aren’t you dressed for church?” “Simple. I’m not going.” “Why not?” “Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going. First of all, the church is cold in the morning. It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me. Everyone is always talking about me behind my back. And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!” “Well, I’ll give y...

As a woman passes her daughter’s closed bedroom door she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from inside. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vi''b'r''a''tor. Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’ The daughter replied: ‘ Mum, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’ The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he saw his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. He asked her what she was doing, The daughter said: ‘ Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’ A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. When ...

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?” “Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man. “The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -” His friend interrupts him. “A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?” “Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday.” --Family Visiting-- Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.  From under the blanket she notices four legs instead of two! She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. -Hi darling, he says, -Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. H...

Wife sent text to husband “Hi I will get late, please cook dinner, then wash all dirty dishes and make sure you prepare our bed and put kids to sleep before I return….. She sent another text, “And I forgot to mention…. I have also bought a bottle of BLUE LABEL PREMIUM SCOTCH WHISKY for you…… He texted _“ really ?” She replied, “No…. I just wanted to make sure you got my first message” --The woman seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers-- A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. The woman seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. “Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,” he replied. “Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and int...

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Six.” Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven!” Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!” Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!” --Funny Joke ‣ Men Being Men-- There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it. The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money...