I am a Seenager – a senior teenager.

I am a Seenager – a senior teenager.

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.

I don’t have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.

I have my own pad.

I don’t have a curfew.

I have a driver’s license and my own car.

I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
And I don’t have acne.
Life is Good! Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this.

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature’s way of making older people do more exercise.

I have more friends I should share this with, but right now I can’t remember their names. So, please pass this on to your friends; they may be my friends, too!
--An Old Man Feels Like A Horse!--
An old man feels like a horse!
So he is talking with his grandson.
Old Man: I’m telling you boy, since I take these vitamins, I feel like a HORSE!
Grandson: Oh yeah Grandpa, you and Grandma are “getting busy”?
Old Man: No, but I can walk and poop at the same time…

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Trying To Get Pregnant!

My husband and I had been trying to have a third child for a while.

Unfortunately, the day I was to take a home pregnancy test, he was called out of town on business.

I had told our young daughters about the test, and they were excited.

We decided if it was positive, we would buy a baby outfit to surprise their father when he got home.

The three of us stood in the bathroom eagerly waiting for the telltale line to appear.

When it did not, my thoughtful seven-year-old gave me a hug.
“It’s okay, Mom,” she said. “The next time Daddy goes out of town, you can try and get pregnant again.”
--Three Old Ladies Were Sitting At The Dinner Table--
Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old.
The first one said,
“Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich”.

The second lady says,
“Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down”. The third one says,
“Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have any of those problems, knock on wood”.

As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said,
“That must be the door… I’ll get it!”

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An 85 Year Old Lady Is Waiting For Her Husband.

An 85-year-old lady is waiting for her husband at the bar in Harpoon Harry’s.
Suddenly, a very handsome man enters and sits down a few seats away.

The man is so attractive she cannot keep her eyes off him.

After a short time, the man notices her staring and approaches her.

Before the lady has time to apologize, the man looks deep into her eyes and says in a sultry tone,

“I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams. It doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I will do it. For this, I want $100 cash. And, there’s another condition.”

Completely stunned by this turn of events, the lady asks him what the condition is.
“You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The lady takes a moment to consider the offer from the handsome man.
She reaches into her handbag and puts $100 in his hand.
She then smiles, looks him square in the eyes, and slowly, but clearly says,
“Paint my house.”
--A Young Man Was Walking Through A Supermarket--

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

“Pardon me,” she said,
“I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man,
“is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said,
“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.”

“Sure,” answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out,
“Goodbye, Mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

“How can that be?” He asked,
“I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.

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Pastor's Wife Was Expecting A Baby So He Asked For A Raise.

The Pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor’s family expanded; so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor’s expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, “Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.”

Silence fell over the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”
The entire congregation said, “Amen.”
--One For Each of My Brothers--
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walked into a bar and ordered three mugs of Bud.
He sat in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more.

The bartender approached and told the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom, and left it there.

The cowboy became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way. He ordered three mugs and drank them in turn.
One day, he came in and only ordered two mugs. All the regulars took notice and fell silent.
When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned in his eyes and he laughed.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explained. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

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A few months after his parents were divorced

A few months after his parents were divorced,

little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her ru''b''bing her body and moaning, ”

I need a man, I need a man!”

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.

When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes,

threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning,

“Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike

--A newly married Liam goes to the meet Father Charles--

A newly married Liam goes to the meet Father Charles.

He greets the priest and says, ‘Father, I need to talk to you.

‘ The Priest asks, ‘Is it a confession, my son?’ Liam replies, ‘No, Father.

I need to clarify something.’ The Priest takes Liam to his private chamber and says, ‘Tell me, Liam.

What is it?’ Liam asks, ‘Father, why do some women try to change men after marriage? My friends keep teasing me about it.

‘ The Priest smiles and replied, ‘Liam, my son; as the bride walks down the long aisle, she excitedly registers 3 stimuli: The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung.

Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized.

Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn.

And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself… “I’LL ALTER HIM.”

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A forgetful husband

An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife’s birthday and their anniversary.

He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates
and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, “Your loving husband.”

His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly,
“Nice flowers, honey. Where’d you get them?”
--A blonde was driving home after work--
A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car’s tailpipe.Nothing happened.

She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?”

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, “HELLLLOOOO!!! You need to roll up the windows.”

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Well How Was It

A woman meets an elderly man in a bar.
They talk: they connect: they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It’s obvious that he’s taken time to lovingly arrange them, and she’s immediately touched by the amount of thought he’s put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears.

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn’t mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after a while, she finds herself thinking, “Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!”

Maybe he could be the future father of my children? She turns to him and kisses him lightly.

He responds warmly, they continue to kiss,the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She’s so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she’s ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they lie together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
“Well how was it?” The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
“Help yourself to any prize from the Middle Shelf.”
--A poor man told his wife--
A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas.
So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned.
As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house.

He knocked on the door, the servant opened.

“Is the housewife in?” he asked.
The servant replied: “Just a moment.”
The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.

Husband: Guess what? I am rich.
Wife: How?

Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand so I began to make and sell underwear and beds.
Due to the high demand, I got rich fast.

Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed…I got REAL rich.

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