Grandma funnies

Sue phones her husband at work, “Dan, do you have time for a chat?” “Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting.” “But this won’t take long,” Sue says, “I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news.” “I really haven’t the time,” says Dan, “so just quickly tell me the good news.” “Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your brand new Mercedes works very well.” --A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning-- A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning. After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church. “Why aren’t you dressed for church?” “Simple. I’m not going.” “Why not?” “Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going. First of all, the church is cold in the morning. It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me. Everyone is always talking about me behind my back. And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!” “Well, I’ll give ...

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…”   The bartender says, “Well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink.  In fact, this one is on me.” As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.”   The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming up,” says the bartender.  As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”  The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”   “Coming right up,” the bartender says.   As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?” The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learn...

rustic wooden table, young and in love, embarking on a journey together,” he reminisced, his eyes glinting with nostalgia. As the sun streamed through the kitchen window, illuminating the room with a golden hue, Helen traced the rim of her teacup, a small smile playing on her lips. “It feels like yesterday, doesn’t it?” she mused, her voice tinged with warmth. They both gazed at each other, sharing a lifetime of memories etched within their eyes. “Fifty years of laughter, tears, joys, and challenges,” Helen continued, her voice tinged with emotion. “We’ve weathered storms and celebrated triumphs, always together.” Her husband, George, reached across the table, taking her hand tenderly. “Our journey has been woven with threads of love and understanding. Remember the struggles we faced, yet the strength we found in each other?” The room seemed to embrace their history, the love that had grown deeper with time palpable in the air. “Yes, dear,” George nodded. “We’ve seen the wor...

Dolly wanted a new living room set but her husband kept saying. “No.” Every day she would ask him to please let her have the set. Every day he would say. “No.” One day he decided to end this discussion once and for all. When Dolly asked, he looked at her and said. “You can have that living room set you have been wanting, but only on one condition.” Dolly was so excited! “Anything you want, honey!” “Well.” He began. “When you grow hair on your chest, I’ll buy you that living room.” “Grow hair on my ch'e's't?” Dolly was devastated. “How am I going to do that?” Her husband just smiled and went off to work. Arriving home that night, he found Dolly waiting for him. Her eyes sparkled and the smile she wore was almost as big as the day they wed. “Honey.” She trilled. “I ordered my living room set this afternoon!” “You did?” Her husband stammered. “You have hair on your chest now? I mean real hair, not a toupee, ...

An old lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, “I was going to park there!” The man was a real smart alec and he said, “That’s what you can do when you’re young and bright.” “Well, this really upset the lady, even more, So she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and ploughed straight into his Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, “What did you do that for?” The little old lady smiled and told him, “That’s what you can do when you’re old and rich!” --An Arrogant Professor Gets A Seat Beside An Old Man -- An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat beside an old man. Mid-flight, the professor decides to play a game with the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: “Hey, do you want to play a little game with me...

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $ 100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $ 96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking...

After going through the line at a crowded mall cafeteria, The three rambunctious teenage boys found they were forced to share a table with a kindly looking old lady. One of the lads decided to have a bit of fun at the woman’s expense and, nudging one of his buddies under the table, suddenly remarked, “Did your folks ever get married?” “Nope,” replied his tablemate, picking up the put on. “How about you?” “They never bothered,” answered the first young man. “That’s nothing,” interrupted the third, “my mother doesn’t even know who my father is.” The elderly woman looked up from her coffee and said sweetly. “Excuse me, but would one of you little b@stards please pass the sugar?” -- An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom… -- So the wife goes to an adult toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking. The worker suggests some cr0tch-less p@nties and takes her to see some. The w...