Grandma funnies

Mr. and Mrs. Jones were an average middle-aged couple who got along well enough as long as Mr. Jones didn’t put his foot in his mouth: One day, she was running late for the weekly bridge game with her friends she was hosting, and just before she got into the shower, She gave her husband strict instructions to just let the ladies in without talking to them “too much”… When she finished having her shower and was finally done, She came downstairs all dressed up for the little party, but no one was there except her husband. Mr Jones looked somewhat bewildered and he began to explain immediately: “Mrs. Smith said she had been having trouble with mice in her house, and Mrs. Brown said that she just stuffed steel wool in their little holes,” “So I asked her who held their little legs apart.

Little Johnny, 6 years old, gets home from school. He had his first family planning lesson at school. His mother, is very interested & she asks “…How did it go?” “I died of shame”…he answers! Annie from over the road, says that the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Timmy in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital. His mother answers laughingly… “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?” “No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”

Norma and Sonia were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays: Norma said. “My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their ‘thank you’ notes. Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I always received a lovely `thank you’ note. However, since my daughter-in-law stopped making the grandkids send thank you notes, I never hear from them.” Sonia said. “My daughter-in-law never made the grandchildren send `thank you’ notes. I too send them a very generous check. However, for the past several years, I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit.” “Wow.” Remarked Norma. “I wish mine would do that.” “You can, Norma, you can.” “How?” Norma asked. “Simple. Do what I do. Don’t sign the check.”

A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck. The ticket agent looks at the man and then at the duck, which is on a leash. The ticket agent states that the duck is not permitted in the theatre. The man explains that the duck is his service pet. However, because he didn’t have his service pet certification on him, the duck wasn’t allowed in. The man then goes to the side of the theatre and stuffs the duck down the front of his pants. With no duck to be seen, the ticket agent allows the man in. The theatre was packed and the man ends up sitting next to two old ladies. About twenty minutes into the movie the duck was getting uncomfortable and hot so the man unzips his pants to let the duck breath. The duck sticks out his head and starts looking around. One old lady nudges the other lady and exclaims, “Hey, this guy next to me just unzipped his pants.” The lady furthest away says, “Once you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all”. The other lady ...

A balding, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, ‘ No, I’d like to see something more special.’ At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. ‘Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweller said. The lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, ‘We’ll take it.’ The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man stated, ‘By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.’ On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and said ‘ Sir…There’s no money in that account. ” I know,’ said the old man… ‘ But ...

The Grandmother just got married grandson phoned that he was coming to present his beautiful lovely wife to grandma. The delighted Grandma started giving instructions on how to come to their high rise colony retirement Apartment. She started blabbering, “When you come to the front door of the apartment building inside the vestibule, My son there is a push-button, push it with your Elbow, I will hear and open the door from my apartment for you. You will hear the pi……pi buzz. You push the door with your Elbow and open it. Enter and walk to the Elevator. Push the UP button with your Elbow and the elevator opens. Enter. Push the #4 button with your Elbow carefully and the elevator comes to the fourth floor. Walk to room number 420 and push the button with your Elbow. I will open the door for you.” The polite grandson said, “Dear Grand Ma, my wife and I can handle all these, we have been born here. Don’t worry. But explain one thing, why do you want me to push all the buttons...

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself." The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer...

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way. She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an...

The Retired Husband After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target: Dear Mrs. Harris, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1 :June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking. 2 : July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3 :July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom. 4 :July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an ...

A 96-year-old woman's note to her bank! Priceless! The following is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. To whom it may concern, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personal...

  A 5-yr Little Johnny went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?” Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I’m really happy with the TV as my boyfriend.” Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem. The little Johnny heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man. The man said, “Hello, son, is your grandma home?” The little Johnny replied, “Yeah, but she’s in the bedroom b@nging her boyfriend. ”

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.  As he is going out of the door to go to school, He asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, No. Johnny asks, Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Just go to school. Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, Is Fred and Mary up yet?? She replies, No. Johnny says, Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.   After school, he comes home and asks, Is Fred and Mary up yet? His mom says, No.  Johnny asks, Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, OK! What do you think?? He says, Well, last night Fred came in my room for some Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue...

A mom was out walking with her 5 year old daughter. The daughter picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.  The mom took the item away from her and asked her not to do that. “Why?” the daughter asked. “Because it’s been on the ground, and you don’t know where it’s been. It’s dirty, and probably has germs,” the mom replied.   At this point, the daughter looked at the mom with total admiration and asked, “Momma, how do you know all this stuff. You are so smart.” The mom was thinking quickly, “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mom.” They walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but the daughter was evidently pondering this new information.  “Oh…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the mom test you have to become a dad.” ”Exactly,” the mom replied back with a big smile on my face. When you finish laughing, send this to a mom!!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."  Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."  Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could...

A young man married a beautiful woman who had married and divorced 10 other men. On their wedding night she told her new husband “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin!” ‘How can that be possible if you’ve been married ten times.?’ ‘Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he just kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me… Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or no...

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target: Dear Mrs. Harris , Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom. 4.. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voi...

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: “Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.” God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floo...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed a man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the man’s smile turned into a grin, so she move again. The man seemed more amused . When she moved for the fourth time, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man, (about 20 years old), what he had to say for himself. The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, THE DOUBLEMINT TWINS ARE COMING, and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, LOGAN’S LINIMENT WILL REDUCE THE SWELLING, I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign than said, WILLIAMS BIG STICK DID THE TRICK, I could hardly contain myself. But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, GOOD...

While conducting some business at the Courthouse, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but there were extenuating circumstances." The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too s0000 I listened as the lady told her story. "Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?" I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on y...

An old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks  directly at the artist and says “I want to get a tattoo”. The artist hesitantly replies “Well, ok where would you like this tattoo?” Old lady: “actually I want two, one on the inside of my left thigh and one and the inside of my right thigh” Artist: “you know how much this will hurt? Are you really sure you want them there?” Old lady barks at him: “of course I know that’s where I want them! I don’t care how much it will hurt!” Artist: “okay, whatever you want then. Let’s take a look at art the art book to see if there is something you want.” Old lady: “I already know what I want. I want a Christmas tree on my left thigh, and a turkey on my right thigh” Artist: “uhhhh ok, I will do that, but could you answer me as to why you would want such a thing?” Old lady: “Because in sick of my husband complaining there is nothing to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving!

  Three little pigs walk into a restaurant They are seated at a table. After a few minutes to look at the menu, they decide to start with some appetizers. The waiter asks the pigs what they will have. “I’ll start with some chips and salsa,” the first pig replies. “I will begin with some mozzarella sticks,” the second pig says. “Water, lots and lots of water,” the third pig replies. They receive their food and begin digging in. Before long they decide to order their main dishes. They call the waiter over. He asks the pigs what they want to order. “Hmmm…I’ll have a double cheeseburger, no onions,” replies the first pig. “I will have a dish of macaroni and cheese,” says the second pig. “Water, lots and lots of water,” the third pig replies. The pigs get their food and devour everything given to them. They decide they want to order dessert and flag the waiter down. The waiter asks the pigs what they want for dessert. “I’ll have a slice of cheese...

Two elderly women were driving in a large car, and neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!" After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and they went right through again. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. Sure enough, the light was red at the next intersection, and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred!!! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh My Gosh!! A...

Whether it’s true or not, Irish are believed to be  drinking to excess, so it doesn’t come as a surprise that there are a bunch of jokes about them regarding the consumption of liquor. However, we believe the one below is one of the best out there. This is gonna make you burst out laughing 🙂  Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphys Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.” The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!” The first one says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?” The other bloke answers, “Im from Dublin, I am.” The first one responds, “So am I!” “Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin?” The other bloke says, “A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.” The first one says, “Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would ...

  Story About Her Brother's Birth Wows ... One of my all time favorites.... (It's long but hilarious) THE "MIDDLE WIFE" I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant: "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about ...

  A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. > “Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!” “I can’t jump out the window, It’s raining out there!” “If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied. “He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!” So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curios...

I Want A Divorce A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was very upset. _"You are a disrespectful pig!"_ she cried. _"How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce, NOW!"_ The husband calmly replied, _"Hang on just a minute love. At least let me tell you what happened."_ _"Fine, go ahead",_ the wife sobbed, _"but they will be the last words you say to me!"_ The husband began: _"Well, as I was getting into the car at work to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so distressed, helpless and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car."_ _"She was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty and told me that she hadn't eaten for three days."_ _"Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza I made for yo...

  My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping ‘napkins’ in the bathroom. Didn’t they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts about puberty at such an early age, she told me that those were for “special occasions.” Now fast forward a few months… It’s my Mother’s Birthday, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a “special occasion” na...