A Very Old Lady Entered A Crowded Bus

I was on a very crowded bus and an old woman with a walker gets on.

All the other passengers proceed to file on and take up the remaining standing places but she stands close to me, staring me in the eyes.

After 5 minutes of this, I kindly ask, ‘may I help you?’

She replies, “yes, I have been waiting here for 5 minutes now and you have not offered to give me your seat “

Can you give me a good reason why I should?”

I can give you 5. I am an old woman of 86, I have near paralysis in my left leg, a hip that has been replaced twice, my husband died 3 days ago and every second I stand up is pure agony. Can you give me as many reasons why you deserve the seat more?”
Sadly, only one. I’m the freakin’ driver.”
-- Three nuns going to do one sin--
There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each.
So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I’ll bless you.
So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed.

The priest asked the first one who was laughing what her sin was. She said, “I had spend a night with a guy.”

The priest said ok, blessed her and said go drink some holy water.

So she did! The next one was laughing harder, and the priest asked her what her sin was.

She said, “I got in a fight with another nun.” So he says ok, blessed her and told her to go drink some holy water. So she did.

The priest asked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did.
And as she was laughing she said, “I p**sed in the holy water!”

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I Fell in Love

Son: “It’s Tina, the neighbor’s daughter”.

Father : Ohhh I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister.

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later.

Son : Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!

Father : “That’s great son. Who is she?”

Son: “It’s Peny, the other neighbor’s daughter.”

Father : Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that. Peny is also your sister.

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother crying.
Son : Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because daddy is their father!
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
“My love, you can date whoever you want. Don’t listen to him. He is not your Father.”!!!
--Funny Joke ‣ Memory Test--
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first man,
“What is three times three?”

“274,” was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, “It’s your turn.

What is three times three?”

“Tuesday,” replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, “Okay, your turn.

What’s three times three?” “Nine,” says the third man.

“That’s great!” says the doctor.

“How did you get that?”
“Simple,” says the third man.
“I subtracted 274 from Tuesday.

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Man Tattooed His Girlfriend Name On His Tool

My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my unit.

When it’s flaccid you can only see WY.

On a trip to the Caribbean I went to the bathroom and was standing at the trough next to a local.

I briefly gazed down and saw that he too had WY tattooed on his unit.

I asked him if his girlfriends name was also Wendy.

He said ‘No.
When I am aroused it says “Welcome to Jamaica”.
--An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories--
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

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Funny Joke: we should try some new positions tonight

A husband and wife were getting intimate in bed when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, do you think we should try some new positions tonight?"

The husband was excited and replied, "Sure, why not? What do you have in mind?"

The wife said, "Well, I was thinking we could try the 'Wheelbarrow'."

The husband was confused and asked, "What's the 'Wheelbarrow' position?"

The wife said, "You know, where you hold my legs up in the air and I walk on my hands."

The husband was hesitant but decided to give it a try. So, they started to get into the position, but then the wife suddenly slipped and fell on her face.

The husband quickly picked her up and asked, "Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself?"

The wife was embarrassed and said, "I'm sorry, honey. I guess I'm not as good at this as I thought."
The husband reassured her and said, "Don't worry about it. Let's just stick to the basics from now on. You know what they say: if it ain't broke, don't try to fix it.
-- A Man Was Walking Down The Street --
A man was walking down the street and he saw another man with a bunch of penguins.
He asked the other man, “Why don’t you take those Penguins to the zoo?”
The man replied,
“Okay!”
The next day the man saw the man with the Penguins again and ask him “Didn’t you take them to the zoo?”

The man replied,
“Yes, I did, they liked it so much I thought I’d take them to the movies!”

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Funny Joke ‣ Memory Test

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test.

The doctor says to the first man,

“What is three times three?”

“274,” was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, “It’s your turn.

What is three times three?”

“Tuesday,” replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, “Okay, your turn.

What’s three times three?” “Nine,” says the third man.

“That’s great!” says the doctor.

“How did you get that?”
“Simple,” says the third man.
“I subtracted 274 from Tuesday.
--A father put his 3-year-old daughter--
A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
“God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.”

The father asked, ‘Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?’

The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”

The next day Grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,

“God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma..”

The next day the grandmother died.

“Holy crap” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,

“God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.”

He practically went into shock.

He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said,

“I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”

He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me.

This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!”

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This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight).

They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte !! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.

Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.

All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'. And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment..... 'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'
Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
If you laughed at this pass it on. Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart, then yo are just a sour old fart or tart.
--A Dog And A Cat Were Having An Argument--
A dog and a cat were having an argument about who is the favourite of humans. The dog says,
“Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.”
The cat smiles and says,
“You’re not really going to win this one you know.”

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