Grandma funnies

I was on a very crowded bus and an old woman with a walker gets on. All the other passengers proceed to file on and take up the remaining standing places but she stands close to me, staring me in the eyes. After 5 minutes of this, I kindly ask, ‘may I help you?’ She replies, “yes, I have been waiting here for 5 minutes now and you have not offered to give me your seat “ Can you give me a good reason why I should?” I can give you 5. I am an old woman of 86, I have near paralysis in my left leg, a hip that has been replaced twice, my husband died 3 days ago and every second I stand up is pure agony. Can you give me as many reasons why you deserve the seat more?” Sadly, only one. I’m the freakin’ driver.” -- Three nuns going to do one sin-- There were three nuns, they all told the priest that they were going to do one sin each. So the priest says ok, do your sins, come back, and I’ll bless you. So, they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed. The priest asked th...

Son: “It’s Tina, the neighbor’s daughter”. Father : Ohhh I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister. The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later. Son : Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter! Father : “That’s great son. Who is she?” Son: “It’s Peny, the other neighbor’s daughter.” Father : Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that. Peny is also your sister. This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother crying. Son : Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because daddy is their father! The mother hugs him affectionately and says: “My love, you can date whoever you want. Don’t listen to him. He is not your Father.”!!! --Funny Joke ‣ Memory Test-- Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, “What is thre...

My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my unit. When it’s flaccid you can only see WY. On a trip to the Caribbean I went to the bathroom and was standing at the trough next to a local. I briefly gazed down and saw that he too had WY tattooed on his unit. I asked him if his girlfriends name was also Wendy. He said ‘No. When I am aroused it says “Welcome to Jamaica”. --An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories-- An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him. "What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor. "Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower'...

A husband and wife were getting intimate in bed when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, do you think we should try some new positions tonight?" The husband was excited and replied, "Sure, why not? What do you have in mind?" The wife said, "Well, I was thinking we could try the 'Wheelbarrow'." The husband was confused and asked, "What's the 'Wheelbarrow' position?" The wife said, "You know, where you hold my legs up in the air and I walk on my hands." The husband was hesitant but decided to give it a try. So, they started to get into the position, but then the wife suddenly slipped and fell on her face. The husband quickly picked her up and asked, "Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself?" The wife was embarrassed and said, "I'm sorry, honey. I guess I'm not as good at this as I thought." The husband reassured her and said, "Don't worry about it. Let's just stick to th...

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, “What is three times three?” “274,” was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?” “Tuesday,” replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three?” “Nine,” says the third man. “That’s great!” says the doctor. “How did you get that?” “Simple,” says the third man. “I subtracted 274 from Tuesday. --A father put his 3-year-old daughter-- A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.” The father asked, ‘Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?’ The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.” The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the gir...

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte !! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be...