Grandma funnies

An 85-year-old lady is waiting for her husband at the bar in Harpoon Harry’s. Suddenly, a very handsome man enters and sits down a few seats away. The man is so attractive she cannot keep her eyes off him. After a short time, the man notices her staring and approaches her. Before the lady has time to apologize, the man looks deep into her eyes and says in a sultry tone, “I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams. It doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I will do it. For this, I want $100 cash. And, there’s another condition.” Completely stunned by this turn of events, the lady asks him what the condition is. “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.” The lady takes a moment to consider the offer from the handsome man. She reaches into her handbag and puts $100 in his hand. She then smiles, looks him square in the eyes, and slowly, but clearly says, “Paint my house.” --A Young Man Was Walking Through A Superma...

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby. He went to his wife and said, “I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered. When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, “Have you been fooling around on me?” His wife confessed, “Not this time.” --There is a girl walking up the stairs-- There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any shorts. He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some inner wear as it is not good to walk around here like this. The girl then goes home and gives the money to her...

As a woman passes her daughter’s closed bedroom door she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from inside. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vi''b'r''a''tor. Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’ The daughter replied: ‘ Mum, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’ The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he saw his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. He asked her what she was doing, The daughter said: ‘ Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’ A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. When s...

The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war. The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins. He got to a phone and called her right away. “Oh honey, I’m so happy,” he said “Who took you to the hospital?” “Your brother, Joe, drove me, and since I had to be anesthetized he named the twins.” The husband was horrified “But, but, Joe is an idiot! Oh no! What did he name them?” The wife answered, “We have a girl and a boy Joe named the girl De-niece.” The husband interrupted, “Well, that’s not so bad What did he name the boy?” “Joe named the boy De-nephew.” --A beautiful redhead-- A beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her...

Sue phones her husband at work, “Dan, do you have time for a chat?” “Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting.” “But this won’t take long,” Sue says, “I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news.” “I really haven’t the time,” says Dan, “so just quickly tell me the good news.” “Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your brand new Mercedes works very well.” --A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning-- A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning. After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church. “Why aren’t you dressed for church?” “Simple. I’m not going.” “Why not?” “Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going. First of all, the church is cold in the morning. It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me. Everyone is always talking about me behind my back. And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!” “Well, I’ll give ...

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, He asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, No. Johnny asks, Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Just go to school. Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, Is Fred and Mary up yet?? She replies, No. Johnny says, Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school. After school, he comes home and asks, Is Fred and Mary up yet? His mom says, No. Johnny asks Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, OK! What do you think?? He says, Well, last night Fred came in my room for some Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.... --Funny Joke ‣ Blonde’s Prayer-- A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’...

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?” “Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man. “The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -” His friend interrupts him. “A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?” “Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday.” --Family Visiting-- Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.  From under the blanket she notices four legs instead of two! She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. -Hi darling, he says, -Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. H...

The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war. The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins. He got to a phone and called her right away. “Oh honey, I’m so happy,” he said “Who took you to the hospital?” “Your brother, Joe, drove me, and since I had to be anesthetized he named the twins.” The husband was horrified “But, but, Joe is an idiot! Oh no! What did he name them?” The wife answered, “We have a girl and a boy Joe named the girl De-niece.” The husband interrupted, “Well, that’s not so bad What did he name the boy?” “Joe named the boy De-nephew.” --A beautiful redhead-- A beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her...

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked. "No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?” Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city. Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son." "Well, obviously!" She gasped. "What do you mean?" "It was your idea in the first place! You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him. I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred." - -A grandfather asks his grandchild to bring him the blue pill and he would put 50€ in his wallet-- The grandchild after searching for that blue pill in the whole neighborhood, finally ...

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…”   The bartender says, “Well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink.  In fact, this one is on me.” As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.”   The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming up,” says the bartender.  As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”  The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”   “Coming right up,” the bartender says.   As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?” The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learn...

An 85-year-old lady is waiting for her husband at the bar in Harpoon Harry’s. Suddenly, a very handsome man enters and sits down a few seats away. The man is so attractive she cannot keep her eyes off him. After a short time, the man notices her staring and approaches her. Before the lady has time to apologize, the man looks deep into her eyes and says in a sultry tone, “I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams. It doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I will do it. For this, I want $100 cash. And, there’s another condition.” Completely stunned by this turn of events, the lady asks him what the condition is. “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.” The lady takes a moment to consider the offer from the handsome man. She reaches into her handbag and puts $100 in his hand. She then smiles, looks him square in the eyes, and slowly, but clearly says, “Paint my house.” --A Young Man Was Walking Through A Superma...

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby. He went to his wife and said, “I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered. When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, “Have you been fooling around on me?” His wife confessed, “Not this time.” --There is a girl walking up the stairs-- There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any shorts. He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some inner wear as it is not good to walk around here like this. The girl then goes home and gives the money to her...

Wife sent text to husband “Hi I will get late, please cook dinner, then wash all dirty dishes and make sure you prepare our bed and put kids to sleep before I return….. She sent another text, “And I forgot to mention…. I have also bought a bottle of BLUE LABEL PREMIUM SCOTCH WHISKY for you…… He texted _“ really ?” She replied, “No…. I just wanted to make sure you got my first message” --The woman seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers-- A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. The woman seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. “Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, no,” he replied. “Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and int...

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.” She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing. “That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises. “Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.” “You’re absolutely right sweetheart, ”the mother assured her, turning to her mid...

Years later, they get back together to discuss the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother for her 90th Birthday. The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can’t see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.” Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote the first son,“The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.” “Marvin,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!” “Deares...

The Pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor’s family expanded; so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost. After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, “Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.” Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.” The entire congregation said, “Amen.” --One For Each of My Brothers-- A cowboy, who just moved to ...

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home When an old Grandpa John, walked by. And the one old granny yelled out saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.” John said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.” The second old lady said, “Sure we can! – Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.” Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, John dropped. One of the old aunties asked him to first turn around a couple of times. Then the three of them all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!” Standing John asked, “How in the world did you guess?” Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all the old girls happily yelled in unison… “We were at your birthday party yesterday! --The Phone Rings In Dr. Stein’s House-- It’s 10pm when the phone rings in Dr. Stein’s house. “It’s Dr. Gold,” says his wife, passing him the phone, “I do hope it’s not another emergency.” Dr. Stein takes...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?” The girl, crying, replied: “Dad… I became a pro s /tit /ute.” Ye what!? Get out a here, ye sha/mel/ess har lot! Sin ner! “You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.” “OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.” “What was it ye said ye had become?” says Dad. Girl, crying again: “A prost!tute, Daddy!.” Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death,...