An Old Man, An Old Woman Are Sitting In Their Rocking Chair

An old man and an old woman are sitting in their rocking chair.
The old woman embroiders while the old man reads the paper.
The old woman looks at him with remembrance in her eyes, and she says,
“Honey you don’t ever sit next to me like you used to. “
He puts the paper down and scoots over close to her.
Then she says
“Honey you don’t ever put your arm around me anymore.”
He again Puts the paper down and puts his arm around her.
She said, “Honey you never nibble on my ear anymore. “
He gets up and walks away!
She said
“Honey where are you going “and He said,
” gotta go get my teeth.”
--A man walked out into the street --
A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by, what luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.
“Perfect timing,” the cabby said. “You’re just like Bill.”
“Who?” asked the man.
“Bill Smith. There’s a guy who did everything right,” the cabby said.
“Like my coming along when you needed a cab, it would have happened like that to Bill every time.”
“Nah,” the man said to the cabby. “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Bill,” said the cabby.
“He was a terrific athlete, he could have gone on the pro tour in tennis.
He could golf with the pros, he sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.”
“Bill was really something, huh?”
“Oh, yeah,” continued the cabby.
“Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody’s birthday, he knew all about wine, which fork to eat with, he could fix anything.
“Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out.”
“No wonder you remember him,” the man said.
“Well, I never actually met Bill,” said the cabby.
“Then how in the world do you know so much about him?”
“I married his widow,” replied the cabby.

Read More

A Man Give His Wife

One morning while his wife was making breakfast,

a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her b''u'tt.

He said to her, “If you firmed up your b''u'tt we could get rid of your girdle.”

The wife was angry but said nothing.

The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said,

“If you firmed these up we could get rid of your br'a.”

The wife grabbed her husband’s pe''n'is and replied,
“and if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!”
--An Amish Lady Driving Her Horse-Drawn Buggy Is Pulled Over By The Police--
An Amish lady was driving her horse drawn buggy to town with her young son when she was stopped by a highway patrol officer.
“I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer, “I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.”
“I thank thee,” said the Amish lady, “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as we return home.”

“Also,” said the officer, “I noticed that one of the reins to your horse is tied around your horse’s testicles. Some might consider this to be ‘cruelty to animals’ so you’d best have your husband check this, too.”

“Again I thank thee,” said the Amish lady, “I shall have my husband check this also when I return home.”
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector and her husband said that he would repair it immediately.

“Also,” said the Amish lady, “the policeman said that there was something wrong with our emergency brake.

Read More

Two Elderly, Excited Southern Women Were Sitting

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of a church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing,
These two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs,
“AMEN, BROTHER!”
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again,
“PREACH IT, REVEREND!”
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed,
“RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS… AMEN!”
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet.
One turned to the other and said,
“He’s quit preaching and now he’s meddlin’.”
--A Man Walked Into A Supermarket. --
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A checkout chick walked up to him and said,
“Your barracks door is open.”
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said,
“Your fly is open.”
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the girl was that told him about his “barracks door.”
He was planning to have a little fun with her,
So when he reached the counter he said,
“When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?”
The girl thought for a moment and said:
“No, no I didn’t……. but I saw a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.”.

Read More

A Housewife Takes A Lover During The Day

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “£250.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “I’ll tell.”
Man: “How much?”

Boy: “£750.”

Man: “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy,
“Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, “£1,000.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again!!”
--A Man Walked Into A Supermarket--
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A checkout chick walked up to him and said,
“Your barracks door is open.”
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said,
“Your fly is open.”
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the girl was that told him about his “barracks door.”
He was planning to have a little fun with her, So when he reached the counter he said,
“When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?”
The girl thought for a moment and said:
“No, no I didn’t……. but I saw a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.”.

Read More

A Man Came Home From Work To Find Total Mayhem In His House

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.
His three children were outside, still in their P.J.’s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard.
The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room, the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilt on the counter, dog food was spilt on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife.
He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!
He found her lounging in the bedroom, still in her pyjamas, reading a novel.
She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked,
“What happened here today?”
She again smiled and answered,
“you know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?”
“Yes”, he replied reluctantly.
She answered, “We’ll, today I didn’t do it!!”
-- Funny Joke ‣ Blind Man--
Two nuns painting a room in their convent,
They decide to strip naked so they don’t get paint on their robes.
Seconds later there is a knock on the door…
“Who is it?” shouts the nuns.
“Blind man” says the voice…
The two nuns look at each other, shrug and decide no harm can come from letting a blind man in the room.
They open the door.
“Frackinhell cracking tits!!” says the man.
“Where do you want the blinds put?”Click to read next joke

Read More

A Little Boy Opened The Big Family Bible

A little boy opened the big family Bible.
He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of it.
He picked up the object and looked at it.
It was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
“Mama, look what I found!” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?”
In an astonished voice, he answered:
“I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”
--A Lady Was Reading A Newspaper--
A lady was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
“Listen to this,” she said.
“There’s a classified advert here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”
“Hmmm,” her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, she said,
“Would you swap me for a season ticket too?”
“Absolutely not,” he said quietly.
“How sweet,” Sarah said.
“Now tell me why not.”
“The season is more than half over.”

Read More

This Old Lady Handed Her Bank Card

This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said
“I would like to withdraw $10”.
The teller told her
“for withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM.
The old lady wanted to know why… The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her
“these are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you”.
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said
“please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance.
She nodded her head, leaned down, and respectfully told her
“you have $300,000 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow? “
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her any amount up to $3000.
“Well please let me have $3000 now.”
The teller kindly handed $3000 very friendly and with a smile to her.
The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account.
The moral of this story is…
Don’t be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skill.
--A woman came up behind her husband --
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
“I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name ‘Marylou’ written on it,” she said, furious.
“You had better have an explanation.”
“Calm down, honey,” the man replied.
“Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.”‘
The next morning, his wife snack up on him and smacked him again.
“What was that for?” he complained.
“Your dog called last night.”

Read More