Grandma funnies

Three married men are sitting in a pool club and arguing over who has the worst marriage. One of the men says, “I have it the worst. My prudish wife won’t sleep with me more than once a month!. She refuses!” The other men shake their heads. One of them asks, “what did you do about it?” The man says “I slept with that horny blonde over there by the pool table. Unlike my wife, she’ll do anything.” The men laugh. The second man says, “You think that’s bad? My uptight wife won’t even sleep with me once a year!” The other men shake their heads and one of them asks, “so, what did you do about it?” The man says “I got my rocks off with that same slutty blonde over there by the pool table. She’ll literally do any guy.” The men laugh, then the third man says, “That too bad for you guys, but honestly I definitely have it the worst.” The men say, “what’s the problem with your wife?” The man says, “Well for one, she’s always down here playing pool --A guy goes on to a ship-- A guy goe...

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ‘Business trip or pleasure’? She turned, smiled and said, ‘Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston’. He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, ‘What’s your business role at this convention?’ ‘Lecturer,’ she responded. ‘I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality’. ‘Really?’ he said. ‘And what kind of myths are there’? ‘Well’, she explained, ‘one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men,...

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. “Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?” He looks her up and down and surmises that she’s an idiot whom he can take advantage of. “I’ll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There’s paint, brushes, ladders and everything you’ll need next to the car in the garage.” “Sure, sounds great!” The man closes the door, chuckling at what a great deal he’s just brokered. Half an hour later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it up and there’s the blonde “You’re finished already?” he asked her incredulously.”Yeah! It isn’t really that big! But I think you should know, that’s not a porch. It’s a Jaguar!” -- Beautiful Woman In A Bar – Humor-- A guy is sitting in a bar. A beautiful woman walks in. She’s a knock-out and he can’t take his eyes off her. She notices him, smiles, then sits beside him. She looks into his eyes and tells him, ...

Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement – not even her parent’s nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father’s new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father’s new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ”Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied. Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ”Never mind sweetheart. I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your special day.” A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ”Aren’t you going to return the other dress? You really don’t have another occasion where you could wear it.” Her mother just smiled and replied, ”Of course I do, dear……I’m wearing it to the r...

Who in the hell is Larry? Well, Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says “Where the hell have you been?” Larry replies “I was out getting a tattoo!” “A tattoo”? She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?” “I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,” he said proudly. “What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?” “Well, One, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.. and, Lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.” --A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful-- She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gal...

A man and his wife were having an argument in  bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest. “How much is it?” she asked. “One hundred and fifty pounds,” he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. “But it comes with an inscription,” he said. “What kind of inscription?” she asked. “Whatever you wish,” he explained, “but one of the old golfers favourites is, ‘NEVER UP, NEVER IN.” “Oh, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the argument in the first place!” --Don’t Eat Chicken Sandwiches!-- A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they bo...

One day, a young guy and a young girl fell in love. But the guy came from a poor family. The girl’s parents weren’t too happy. So the young man decided not only to court the girl but to court her parents as well. In time, the parents saw that he was a good man and was worthy of their daughter’s hand. But there was another problem: The man was a soldier. Soon, war broke out and he was being sent overseas for a year. The week before he left, the man knelt on his knee and asked his lady love, “Will you marry me?” She wiped her tears and said “Yes” and they were engaged. They agreed that when he got back in one year, they would get married. But tragedy struck. A few days after he left, the girl had a major vehicular accident. It was a head-on collision. When she woke up in the hospital, she saw her father and mother crying. Immediately, she knew there was something wrong. She later found out that she suffered brain injury. The part of her brain that controlled her face muscles wa...