Wrong Number

On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:

“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”

The voice from the other side responded: “You fool, you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”

“No,” replied the trainee.

“It’s the Managing Director of the company, idiot!”

The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who YOU are talking to, you idiot?”

“No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly.
“Thank god for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone.
--Funny Joke ‣ Little Johnny and his Etiquette--
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students…

“Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom. Michael?”

Michael: “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”

Teacher: “That would be rude and impolite! What about you Peter? How would you say it?”

Peter: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”

Teacher: “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?”

Johnny: “I would say: ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope you’ll get to meet after supper.”

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door of a house

One day a beggar knocked at the door of a house, and when a woman opened the door, asked her for alms.
“I’ve nothing to give you,” said the woman. “Please go!”
The woman, who was newly married, lived with her mother-in-law. When her mother-in-law heard her refusing alms to the beggar she was furious.
“Who are you to refuse alms to this man!” she demanded. “I’m the mistress of the house!!”
Thus chastened, the daughter-in-law fled to her room.
“Thank you, kind lady,” said the beggar, ingratiatingly.
“All I asked for was a coin to buy food. I did not know she was not the mistress of the house.”
“She’s not!” snapped the woman.
“She had no right to refuse you alms. I’m in charge here, and let me tell you something: you’re not getting a paisa from me!!”
And with that, she slammed the door in the beggar’s face.
--A newlywed first night together--

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change.
The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.”
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.” Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims,
“My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, “My picture?”
He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”.
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.”
At that, the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”.
He beams and asks why and she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”

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Old Man An Old Woman

An old man and an old woman are sitting in their rocking chair.
The old woman embroiders while the old man reads the paper.
The old woman looks at him with remembrance in her eyes, and she says,
“Honey you don’t ever sit next to me like you used to. “
He puts the paper down and scoots over close to her.
Then she says
“Honey you don’t ever put your arm around me anymore.”
He again Puts the paper down and puts his arm around her.
She said, “Honey you never nibble on my ear anymore. “
He gets up and walks away!
She said
“Honey where are you going “and He said,
” gotta go get my teeth.”
--A man walked out into the street --
A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by, what luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.
“Perfect timing,” the cabby said. “You’re just like Bill.”
“Who?” asked the man.
“Bill Smith. There’s a guy who did everything right,” the cabby said.
“Like my coming along when you needed a cab, it would have happened like that to Bill every time.”
“Nah,” the man said to the cabby. “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Bill,” said the cabby.
“He was a terrific athlete, he could have gone on the pro tour in tennis.
He could golf with the pros, he sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.”
“Bill was really something, huh?”
“Oh, yeah,” continued the cabby.
“Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody’s birthday, he knew all about wine, which fork to eat with, he could fix anything.
“Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out.”
“No wonder you remember him,” the man said.
“Well, I never actually met Bill,” said the cabby.
“Then how in the world do you know so much about him?”
“I married his widow,” replied the cabby.

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sisters

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.

As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming.

The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.”

She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing.

“That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises.

“Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.”

“You’re absolutely right sweetheart, ”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter.

“Now why were you laughing?” she asked.

“You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered.

“True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days.

“Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter.

“Why was it so quiet in your room last night?”

“Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”
--little Johnny father--
For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”

The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”

Little Joe told him: “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike!”

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Lover

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
Boy: “£250.”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”
Man: “That’s nice.”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “I’ll tell.”
Man: “How much?”

Boy: “£750.”

Man: “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy,
“Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”
The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The son says, “£1,000.”
The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again!!”
--A Man Walked Into A Supermarket--
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A checkout chick walked up to him and said,
“Your barracks door is open.”
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said,
“Your fly is open.”
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the girl was that told him about his “barracks door.”
He was planning to have a little fun with her, So when he reached the counter he said,
“When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?”
The girl thought for a moment and said:
“No, no I didn’t……. but I saw a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.”.

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boyfriend

Two female co-workers are chatting it up,

and they are discussing the boyfriends they’ve had in the last year.
One girl says “The last 3 boyfriends I’ve had, I’ve named after soda pops.

The first one I called 7 Up, because he had 7 inches and he knew how to keep it up.

The second one I called mountain dew, because when it came to mounting he knew what to do.
The third I called Jack Daniels.
Then the other girl interrupts saying “Hold on a minute.
Isn’t Jack Daniels hard liquor ?
The girl smiles and says “YES IT IS”
--Johnny was lying in bed with girlfriend--
Johnny was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket.
After having great lovemaking, she spent the next hour just rubbing Johnny’s balls – something she loved to do.

As Johnny was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,

“Why do you love doing that so much?”

“Because”, she replied,

“I really miss mine.”

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dinner table

Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old
The first one said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady says, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”
The third one says, ” Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have any of those problems, knock on wood.” As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said, “That must be the door… I'll get it!”
--What Did You Just Say – Humor--
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him he whispered, eyes full of tears: “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”

“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”

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The Farmer

A Woman, who had lately lost her husband, used to go every day to his grave and lament her loss.

A Farmer, who was engaged in ploughing not far from the spot, set eyes upon the Woman and desired to have her for his wife: so he left his plough and came and sat by her side, and began to shed tears himself.

She asked him why he wept; and he replied, “I have lately lost my wife, who was very dear to me, and tears ease my grief.”

“And I,” said she, “have lost my husband.” And so for a while they mourned in silence.

Then he said, “Since you and I are in like case, shall we not do well to marry and live together? I shall take the place of your dead husband, and you, that of my dead wife.”

The Woman consented to the plan, which indeed seemed reasonable enough: and they dried their tears.

Meanwhile, a thief had come and stolen the oxen which the Farmer had left with his plough.

On discovering the theft, he beat his breast and loudly bewailed his loss.
When the Woman heard his cries, she came and said, “Why, are you weeping still?” To which he replied, “Yes, and I mean it this time.”
--A gorgeous redhead woman--
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead woman sitting at the next table.
He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.

“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks.

They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.

She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy was amazed everything had been so incredible!

“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies “You just happened to catch my eye.”

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Birthday mom

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

“I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…”

The bartender says,

“Well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.”

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,

“I would like to buy you a drink, too.”

The old woman says,

“Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.”

“Coming up,” says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,
“I would like to buy you one, too.”
The old woman says,
“Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”

“Coming right up,” the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says,

“Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”
--A Blonde Got Caught In A Blizzard --
A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.

That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue following if she wanted but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to the K-mart next.

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middle of the night

A father sees his 5 year old son praying in the middle of the night

He finds it odd but listens closely to it. The kid was praying 'Good night mommy, good night daddy, good night granny, bye bye grandpa'.
The father finds it weird but doesn't think much about it.
The next day he hears that his father in law is dead. The father finds it abnormal but thinks that it is just a coincidence.

A few weeks later the father again finds his son praying in the middle of the night ' Good night mommy, goodnight daddy, bye bye granny'. The next day he hears that his mother in law died in the middle of the day. The father now thinks that his son can predict the future and becomes scared of it.

A few weeks later, the father again finds his son praying but this time it was just 'goodnight mommy, bye bye daddy'. The father now loses his mind and becomes scared.

He runs out of the house in the night.
The father thinks that since it is his last day, he might as well live life for once. He spends the next day outdoors enjoying the nature one last time. The day ends and night arrives, but nothing happened.

The father is overjoyed and thinks to himself that his son was wrong and the earlier predictions were just coincidences. He rushes home to his family. The wife asks him ' Stu where the hell where you?, I have been calling you all day long on the damn phone'. He says ' I was just having a bad day'.

The wife tells him 'You think you were having a bad day, well try this, today my boss dropped dead in front of me in the middle of the day'
-- Joke Of The Day: Bad Woman & Her Daytime Affair--
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”.

“I can’t jump out the window, It’s raining out there!”.

“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied.

“He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!”.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!.

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.

After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.

“Oh yes!” he replied, gasping for air.

“It feels so wonderfully free!”

Another runner moved alongside him.

“Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?”

“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly.

“That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried,

“Do you always wear a condom when you run?”

“Nope……… just when it’s raining”.

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Newborn Baby

Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree.
When one turns to the other and says:
“Slim, I’m 83 years old now and,
I’m just full of aches and pains.
I know you’re about my age.
How do you feel?”
Slim says,
“I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really!
Like a newborn baby?” “
Yes,
No hair, no teeth, and I think,
I just wet my pants.
--An Old Irish Man Went To Confession In Church--
An old Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘ it been one month now since my last confession… I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month ..’
The priest told the sinner,
‘You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s ..’
Soon thereafter, Another old Irish man entered the confessional
‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had s*x with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months ..’
This time, the priest questioned,
‘Who IS this Fanny Green .. ?’
‘A new woman in the neighbourhood father, he replied. …
‘Very well’, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s’.
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, a voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered,
‘Is That Fanny Green …?’
The wide-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,
‘No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’ …!!’

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having dinner

Garth and his wife Sadie are having dinner at an upmarket restaurant in Melbourne, when an attractive young redhead walks by, smiles at Garth and says, “Hello Garth.”

Sadie immediately asks, “And who was that girl who just spoke to you?”

Garth replies, “Oh her, that’s my girlfriend.”

“You have a mistress? I don’t believe you. How long has this been going on?” says Sadie.

“About ten years, on and off.” answers Garth.

“Ten years?”, says Sadie. “You swine! I’ll see a solicitor tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. I’ll ruin you, you wait and see.”

“Now hold on Sadie,” responds Garth, “just think about it for a minute. If we get a divorce, you will only get only half of what we have together now.

You won’t have our big house in Homestead, you’ll no longer get a new Lexus as your birthday present from me each year, you won’t be able to play golf all day with your friends, you won’t …”

But before Garth can continue, a blonde walks past and says to him, “Hello, nice to see you again.”

Sadie asks, “And who was that, another of your ‘girls’?”

Garth replies, “No, that’s Harry’s mistress.”

“You mean that Harry also has a mistress?” says Sadie, surprised.
Garth answers, “Of course, she’s been with him for nearly twelve years.”
Sadie then says, proudly, “I like ours a lot better.”
--Farmer Joe had a nagging wife--
Farmer Joe had a nagging wife who made his life miserable.
The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.
One day when he was out in the field, Joe’s wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.

Suddenly, Joe’s old mule kicked up his back legs, striking her in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Joe’s minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Joe he would nod his head up and down.

But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Joe and asked “Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?”

“Well,” Joe replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, “Is that mule for sale?”

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my first baby

Once upon a time there was a women that was about to have triplets.

In her stomach the babies were talking to each other.

The first baby says “I want to be a plumber, because there is so much water in here”.

The second baby says “I want to be an electrician because it is so dark in here”. And the last baby says “I want to be a hunter,
because if that damn snake comes back in here i’m going to cut it off”.
--Three women are discussing their teenage daughters--
Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.
The first declares: “I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter”s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn’t even know that she smoked!”

“It gets worse than that,” says the second mother. “I was tidying my daughter”s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn’t even know that she drank!”

“Oh, it gets even worse than that,” says the third mother. “I was tidying my daughter”s room last week and you”ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn’t even know that she had a peen'is

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my grandma marriage

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not b'e'at me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"
The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
--Ray the chicken--
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray.'
Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ray the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ray.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Ray, wake up! You shit the bed!"
Getting OLD just isn’t what they said it would be!. share with friends and family!!!

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man and lady

After going through the line at a crowded mall cafeteria,

The three rambunctious teenage boys found they were forced to share a table with a kindly looking old lady.

One of the lads decided to have a bit of fun at the woman’s expense and, nudging one of his buddies under the table, suddenly remarked,

“Did your folks ever get married?”

“Nope,” replied his tablemate, picking up the put on.

“How about you?”

“They never bothered,” answered the first young man.

“That’s nothing,” interrupted the third,

“my mother doesn’t even know who my father is.”

The elderly woman looked up from her coffee and said sweetly.
“Excuse me, but would one of you little b@stards please pass the sugar?”
-- An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom… --
So the wife goes to an adult toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking.
The worker suggests some cr0tch-less p@nties and takes her to see some.

The wife looks at them and thinks they’re perfect She can’t wait to get home and wear them for her husband.

When she gets home she finds her husband is still out.

She makes her way up the bedroom to put on her new p@nties.
She eagerly waits for her husband to get home.
After some time she hears him come in.
He calls out to her, “where are you??”
“I’m in the bedroom, dear!” She replies.
He makes his way up to the bedroom and sees his wife laying back in bed.
“Want some of this?” She asks as she spreads her legs open to give him a nice view.
The man takes one looks and says,
“Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!”

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Having Lunch

Two elderly women were having a late lunch and a drink at a local pub one afternoon when Ethel noticed something funny about Mable’s ear and said,

“Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”

Mable answered,

“I have? A suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said,
“Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”
--A Housewife Takes A Lover During The Day--
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “My dad’s outside.”

Man: “OK, how much?”

Boy: “£250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes, it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “I’ll tell.”

Man: “How much?”

Boy: “£750.”

Man: “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy,

“Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”

The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The son says, “£1,000.”

The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again!!”

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dear son

A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves.

He had the manager try them on.

She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up.

When the manager gave him the gift she accidently gave him a pair of panties instead.

When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.

The note read:
Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift. The lady at store said they were perfect

I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady.

I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

Love, Bobby
PS: The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing.

--A young lady is working at old people home--

A young lady is working at an old people’s home when she walks into an old gentleman’s room.
He’s holding a set of photographs and looks upset.
“What’s the matter?” She asks
“I’ve got no-one to pass these onto to when I go”. Says the old man, looking at his photos

“Let me show you” and he presents her with a photo of an old car,

“this is my vintage E type Jaguar. It’s priceless and in pristine condition”

“I’ll… I’ll let you have it if you just give me a quick flash of those lovely melons.”

Interested in the prospect of inheriting the old man’s car and feeling a bit sorry for the old geezer, she agrees and proceeds to undress for him.

Looking visibly happier, he pulls out another photo,

“This is my house in Devon. It’s an 8 bedroom mansion with a swimming pool and 25 acres of land.”
“You can have it, only, I’d love to see those melons bouncing.

She thinks about this for a few seconds, then agrees and proceeds to jump up and down topless in front of the old man.
Now vibrant, the old man grabs another photo and says :
“here, look, this is my yacht off of the coast of Gibraltar.”

“It’s yours if you could just let me play with those spiffing melons of yours for a couple of minutes.”

Deciding it’s worth it, she leans forward and lets the old man have a good fumble of her jubilees.
Wide-eyed and with a cheeky grin on his face, the old man says, “thank you so much, my dear.”
He stands up and hands her the three photographs

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man returns home

A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires. “Err,” she stammers back.

“I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!” “Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little heart out. “What’s the matter, son?” asks the father.

“Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy,” replies his tearful toddler.

Enraged, the man runs back upstairs, flings open the wardrobe and finds his brother there absolutely , just as his son had said “You , Jim,” screams the man.

“My wife is over there having a heart attack and you’re running around scaring Johnny!”
--My Teacher Wants to See You--
A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.”
“What happened?” The father asks.
“Well, she asked me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answered ’63’ , then she asked, ‘and 9 * 7?’

So I asked ‘what’s the bloody difference?’ “Indeed, what is the difference?” asks the father. ‘

‘Sure, I’ll go.” The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, “Dad, have you gone by the school?” “Not yet.”

“Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.” “Why?” asks the father.

“Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it.

Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. ‘Now,’ he says, ‘lift your left leg,’ so I asked, ‘What, am I suppose to stand on…. my pee??'” “Exactly,” says the father.

“Alright, I’ll come.” The next day, the boy asks his father “Did you go to the school?” “No, not yet.” “Don’t bother, I got expelled.” Surprised, the father asks “Why did you get expelled?”

“Well, they summoned me to the principal’s office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.”

“What the bloody hell was the art teacher doing there!?” asks the father.

“That’s what I bloody said!”

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my son

Fred is 34 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”

Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”

His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl.

She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”

The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
--An Elderly Couple Was Celebrating Their Sixtieth Anniversary – --
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
vIt was not locked, so they entered and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers.

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.

Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.
Jerry said, Shes lying.
She hid it up in the attic. Sally said
Sally said,Don’t believe him, hes getting senile The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ….
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We”re outta here!

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my wife i love you

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger.

I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms.

She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute.

I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door.

I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

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flight

A flight is on its way to Sydney, Australia when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful,

I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”

The flight attendant goes into the c*ckpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this , I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney.”
--Funny Joke: After a long night of making love, the man got a real shock --
After a long night of making love, Ben rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked Penny if she had one at hand.

“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, Penny replied,
“That’s me before the operation.”

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my favourite day

April was explaining to her husband how much fun they’d had at the beach during her “girls day” outing.

“But,” she told him, “It didn’t end all that great for me.”

“Why, what happened?” he asked.

“I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn’t go out far because the waves were very bad.

Then I suddenly noticed that all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my bikini to be stripped off.

I looked and looked for it but it was gone, gone, gone!”

“For goodness sakes, sweetie, what did you do?”

“Do? Why I did what any respectable female would do,…
… I covered my face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could.”
--Here I Was! Sitting At The Bar--
There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink!
A large trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
He says, menacingly, as I burst into tears: “Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?”.

I yelled at him: “Come on, man,”.

Then, he said to me: “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying.”.

I replied back to him: “This is the worst day of my life, I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.”.

I continued: “So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I order a drink

I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?”.

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Grandma boyfriend

Granny's boyfriend
A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.

The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend."
-- Good old Irish Granny....--
Solicitors should never ask a County Offaly granny a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial in Tullamore recently a small-town prosecuting solicitor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs.

Murphy, do you know me?' She responded, 'Yes, I do know you, Mr. Burke.
I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.

You think you're a big lad when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit pen pusher. Yes, I know you.'
br> The solicitor was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Murphy, do you know the defence lawyer?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Cummins since he was a youngster, too.
He's lazy, snobby, and he has a drinking problem.

He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire country. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defence lawyer nearly died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots ask her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the Mountjoy prison for ten years each.

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Daughter

Her Daughter Is Pregnant But She bid Not Sleep With Anyone.How ? The doctor says, `’Okay, what seems to be the problem?” The mother says, my daughter Suzie.

She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.” The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Suzie is pregnant.

About U months would be my guess.
”The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Suzie? ”Suzie says, No mom! I’ve never even kissed a man! The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it.A few moments later, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor? ”The doctor replies, “No, not really.

It’s just that the last time something like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill.
I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!
-- A wedding anniversary gift--
A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar having a few drinks and they got chatting. After a while they realise both of there wedding anniversary are the next day..

Poor man, “What did you get your wife for her wedding anniversary? ”Rich man, “I got her a pink Ferrari and a diamond ring.”.

Poor man, “What made you choose those gifts? ”Rich man, “She loves fast cars and I wasn’t sure about the ring so if she doesn’t like it, she can take it back in her new car… “The poor, “Man nodds in agreement. ”Rich man, “What did you get your wife?”Poor man, “I got my wife a pair of cheep slippers and a d**ldo.”.

Rich man, “Why did you choose those gifts?” Poor man, ” Well if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go f**k herself.”

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been careful

Elsa, a 97 year old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life. When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St.
Peter was standing there waiting for her.
He said, “Welcome, Elsa. Do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?”
“I do,” Elsa replied. “I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain of having a baby.”
St. Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while.
She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby. While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever.
The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing, but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe.
“How are you feeling? Aren’t you in pain?” the midwife asked him.
“Oh no, I’m feeling great,” the husband replied. “But I think we have to call for an ambulance. Our neighbor John is lying out there on the lawn screaming his head off!”
--Joke Of The Day: Bad Woman Her Daytime Affair--
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”.
“I can’t jump out the window, It’s raining out there!”.
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied.
“He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!”.
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!.
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.
“Oh yes!” he replied, gasping for air. “It feels so wonderfully free!”
Another runner moved alongside him.
“Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?”
“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly.
“That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried,
“Do you always wear a condom when you run?”
“Nope……… just when it’s raining”.

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woman cranky again

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again,
decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you.
Don’t bother coming after me.”
Then she hide under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.
I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.
“He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes
she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…
“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in five minutes.
--A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door--
A giggle before bedtime!
A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.
"I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realise the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says,
"That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts,
"Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts,
"Where are you?"
The drunk replies,
"Over here, on the swing! "

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women and deughter

As a woman passes her daughter’s closed bedroom door she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from inside.
Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vi''b'r''a''tor.
Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’
The daughter replied:
‘ Mum, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’
The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door.
Upon entering the room, he saw his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
He asked her what she was doing,
The daughter said:
‘ Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’
A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.
When she went in she saw her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked:
‘What the heck are you doing?’
To which the husband replied: ‘I’m watching football with my son-in-law.’
--A Man Walked Into A Supermarket --
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A checkout chick walked up to him and said,
“Your barracks door is open.”
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said,
“Your fly is open.”
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the girl was that told him about his “barracks door.”
He was planning to have a little fun with her,
So when he reached the counter he said,
“When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?”
The girl thought for a moment and said:
“No, no I didn’t……. but I saw a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.”.

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