Grandma funnies

On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: “Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!” The voice from the other side responded: “You fool, you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?” “No,” replied the trainee. “It’s the Managing Director of the company, idiot!” The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who YOU are talking to, you idiot?” “No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly. “Thank god for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone. --Funny Joke ‣ Little Johnny and his Etiquette-- During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students… “Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom. Michael?” Michael: “Just a minute, I have to go pee.” Teacher: “That would be rude and impolite! What about you Peter? How would you say it?” Peter: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroo...

One day a beggar knocked at the door of a house, and when a woman opened the door, asked her for alms. “I’ve nothing to give you,” said the woman. “Please go!” The woman, who was newly married, lived with her mother-in-law. When her mother-in-law heard her refusing alms to the beggar she was furious. “Who are you to refuse alms to this man!” she demanded. “I’m the mistress of the house!!” Thus chastened, the daughter-in-law fled to her room. “Thank you, kind lady,” said the beggar, ingratiatingly. “All I asked for was a coin to buy food. I did not know she was not the mistress of the house.” “She’s not!” snapped the woman. “She had no right to refuse you alms. I’m in charge here, and let me tell you something: you’re not getting a paisa from me!!” And with that, she slammed the door in the beggar’s face. --A newlywed first night together-- On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautif...

An old man and an old woman are sitting in their rocking chair. The old woman embroiders while the old man reads the paper. The old woman looks at him with remembrance in her eyes, and she says, “Honey you don’t ever sit next to me like you used to. “ He puts the paper down and scoots over close to her. Then she says “Honey you don’t ever put your arm around me anymore.” He again Puts the paper down and puts his arm around her. She said, “Honey you never nibble on my ear anymore. “ He gets up and walks away! She said “Honey where are you going “and He said, ” gotta go get my teeth.” --A man walked out into the street -- A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by, what luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab. “Perfect timing,” the cabby said. “You’re just like Bill.” “Who?” asked the man. “Bill Smith. There’s a guy who did everything right,” the cabby said. “Like my coming along when you needed a cab, it would have happened like that to B...

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.” She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing. “That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises. “Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.” “You’re absolutely right sweetheart, ”the mother assured her, turning to her mid...

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: “Dark in here.” Man: “Yes it is.” Boy: “I have a baseball.” Man: “That’s nice.” Boy: “Want to buy it?” Man: “No, thanks.” Boy: “My dad’s outside.” Man: “OK, how much?” Boy: “£250.” In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together. Boy: “Dark in here.” Man: “Yes, it is.” Boy: “I have a baseball glove.” Man: “That’s nice.” Boy: “Want to buy it?” Man: “No, thanks.” Boy: “I’ll tell.” Man: “How much?” Boy: “£750.” Man: “Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!” The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” The son says, “£1,000.” The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charg...

Two female co-workers are chatting it up, and they are discussing the boyfriends they’ve had in the last year. One girl says “The last 3 boyfriends I’ve had, I’ve named after soda pops. The first one I called 7 Up, because he had 7 inches and he knew how to keep it up. The second one I called mountain dew, because when it came to mounting he knew what to do. The third I called Jack Daniels. Then the other girl interrupts saying “Hold on a minute. Isn’t Jack Daniels hard liquor ? The girl smiles and says “YES IT IS” --Johnny was lying in bed with girlfriend-- Johnny was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket. After having great lovemaking, she spent the next hour just rubbing Johnny’s balls – something she loved to do. As Johnny was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, “Why do you love doing that so much?” “Because”, she replied, “I really miss mine.”

Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old The first one said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.” The second lady says, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.” The third one says, ” Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have any of those problems, knock on wood.” As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said, “That must be the door… I'll get it!” --What Did You Just Say – Humor-- A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him he whispered, eyes full of tears: “You know what? You have been with me al...

A  Woman, who had lately lost her husband, used to go every day to his grave and lament her loss. A Farmer, who was engaged in ploughing not far from the spot, set eyes upon the Woman and desired to have her for his wife: so he left his plough and came and sat by her side, and began to shed tears himself. She asked him why he wept; and he replied, “I have lately lost my wife, who was very dear to me, and tears ease my grief.” “And I,” said she, “have lost my husband.” And so for a while they mourned in silence. Then he said, “Since you and I are in like case, shall we not do well to marry and live together? I shall take the place of your dead husband, and you, that of my dead wife.” The Woman consented to the plan, which indeed seemed reasonable enough: and they dried their tears. Meanwhile, a thief had come and stolen the oxen which the Farmer had left with his plough. On discovering the theft, he beat his breast and loudly bewailed his loss. When the Woman heard his...

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…” The bartender says, “Well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.” As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.” The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming up,” says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.” The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming right up,” the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?” The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your ...

A father sees his 5 year old son praying in the middle of the night He finds it odd but listens closely to it. The kid was praying 'Good night mommy, good night daddy, good night granny, bye bye grandpa'. The father finds it weird but doesn't think much about it. The next day he hears that his father in law is dead. The father finds it abnormal but thinks that it is just a coincidence. A few weeks later the father again finds his son praying in the middle of the night ' Good night mommy, goodnight daddy, bye bye granny'. The next day he hears that his mother in law died in the middle of the day. The father now thinks that his son can predict the future and becomes scared of it. A few weeks later, the father again finds his son praying but this time it was just 'goodnight mommy, bye bye daddy'. The father now loses his mind and becomes scared. He runs out of the house in the night. The father thinks that since it is his last day, he might as well live l...

Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree. When one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and, I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.” “Really! Like a newborn baby?” “ Yes, No hair, no teeth, and I think, I just wet my pants. --An Old Irish Man Went To Confession In Church-- An old Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church. ‘Father’, he confessed, ‘ it been one month now since my last confession… I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month ..’ The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s ..’ Soon thereafter, Another old Irish man entered the confessional ‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had s*x with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months ..’ This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who IS this Fanny G...

Garth and his wife Sadie are having dinner at an upmarket restaurant in Melbourne, when an attractive young redhead walks by, smiles at Garth and says, “Hello Garth.” Sadie immediately asks, “And who was that girl who just spoke to you?” Garth replies, “Oh her, that’s my girlfriend.” “You have a mistress? I don’t believe you. How long has this been going on?” says Sadie. “About ten years, on and off.” answers Garth. “Ten years?”, says Sadie. “You swine! I’ll see a solicitor tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. I’ll ruin you, you wait and see.” “Now hold on Sadie,” responds Garth, “just think about it for a minute. If we get a divorce, you will only get only half of what we have together now. You won’t have our big house in Homestead, you’ll no longer get a new Lexus as your birthday present from me each year, you won’t be able to play golf all day with your friends, you won’t …” But before Garth can continue, a blonde walks past and says to him, “Hello, nice to see ...

Once upon a time there was a women that was about to have triplets. In her stomach the babies were talking to each other. The first baby says “I want to be a plumber, because there is so much water in here”. The second baby says “I want to be an electrician because it is so dark in here”. And the last baby says “I want to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes back in here i’m going to cut it off”. --Three women are discussing their teenage daughters-- Three women are discussing their teenage daughters. The first declares: “I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter”s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn’t even know that she smoked!” “It gets worse than that,” says the second mother. “I was tidying my daughter”s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn’t even know that she drank!” “Oh, it gets even worse than that,” says the third mother. “I was tidying my daughter”s room last week and you”ll ...

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not b'e'at me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!" The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" "You don't have any arms either!" she snorted. Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" --Ray the ch...

After going through the line at a crowded mall cafeteria, The three rambunctious teenage boys found they were forced to share a table with a kindly looking old lady. One of the lads decided to have a bit of fun at the woman’s expense and, nudging one of his buddies under the table, suddenly remarked, “Did your folks ever get married?” “Nope,” replied his tablemate, picking up the put on. “How about you?” “They never bothered,” answered the first young man. “That’s nothing,” interrupted the third, “my mother doesn’t even know who my father is.” The elderly woman looked up from her coffee and said sweetly. “Excuse me, but would one of you little b@stards please pass the sugar?” -- An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom… -- So the wife goes to an adult toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking. The worker suggests some cr0tch-less p@nties and takes her to see some. The w...

Two elderly women were having a late lunch and a drink at a local pub one afternoon when Ethel noticed something funny about Mable’s ear and said, “Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Mable answered, “I have? A suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.” --A Housewife Takes A Lover During The Day-- A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: “Dark in here.” Man: “Yes it is.” Boy: “I have a baseball.” Man: “That’s nice.” Boy: “Want to buy it?” Man: “No, thanks.” Boy: “My dad’s outside.” Man: “OK, how much?” Boy: “£250.” In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together. Boy: “Dark in here.” Man: “Yes, it ...

A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves. He had the manager try them on. She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up. When the manager gave him the gift she accidently gave him a pair of panties instead. When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it. The note read: Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift. The lady at store said they were perfect I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night. Love, Bobby PS: The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing. --A young lady is working at old people home-- A young lady is working at an old people’s home when she walks into an old gentleman’s room. He’s holding a set of photographs and looks upset. “What’s the matter?” She asks “I’ve got no-one to pass these onto to when I go”. Says the old man, looking at his photos “Let me show you” and he presents her with a photo of an old car, “this is my vint...

A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed, puffing and panting. “What are you doing?” the man inquires. “Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!” “Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!” He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little heart out. “What’s the matter, son?” asks the father. “Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy,” replies his tearful toddler. Enraged, the man runs back upstairs, flings open the wardrobe and finds his brother there absolutely , just as his son had said “You , Jim,” screams the man. “My wife is over there having a heart attack and you’re running around scaring Johnny!” --My Teacher Wants to See You-- A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.” “What happened?” The father asks. “Well, she asked me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answere...

Fred is 34 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?” Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.” His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.” A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?” With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.” The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?” Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.” --An Elderly Couple Was Celebrating Their Sixtieth Anniversary – -- An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neigh...

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with...

A flight is on its way to Sydney, Australia when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.” The flight attendant goes into the c*ckpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.” The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason. The p...

April was explaining to her husband how much fun they’d had at the beach during her “girls day” outing. “But,” she told him, “It didn’t end all that great for me.” “Why, what happened?” he asked. “I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn’t go out far because the waves were very bad. Then I suddenly noticed that all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my bikini to be stripped off. I looked and looked for it but it was gone, gone, gone!” “For goodness sakes, sweetie, what did you do?” “Do? Why I did what any respectable female would do,… … I covered my face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could.” --Here I Was! Sitting At The Bar-- There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink! A large trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. He says, menacingly, as I burst into tears: “Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?”. I yelled at him: “Come on, man,”. Then, h...

Granny's boyfriend A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man. The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend." -- Good old Irish Granny....-- Solicitors should...

Her Daughter Is Pregnant But She bid Not Sleep With Anyone.How ? The doctor says, `’Okay, what seems to be the problem?” The mother says, my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.” The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Suzie is pregnant. About U months would be my guess. ”The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Suzie? ”Suzie says, No mom! I’ve never even kissed a man! The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it.A few moments later, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor? ”The doctor replies, “No, not really. It’s just that the last time something like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time! -- A wedding anniversary gift-- A rich man and...

Elsa, a 97 year old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life. When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was standing there waiting for her. He said, “Welcome, Elsa. Do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?” “I do,” Elsa replied. “I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain of having a baby.” St. Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while. She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby. While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever. The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing, but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe. “How are you feeling? Aren’t you in pain?” the midwife asked him. “Oh no, I’m feeling great,” the husband replied. “But I think we have to call for an ambulance. Our neighb...

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hide under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. “She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like. “He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote… “I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in five minutes. --A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a...

As a woman passes her daughter’s closed bedroom door she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from inside. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vi''b'r''a''tor. Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’ The daughter replied: ‘ Mum, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’ The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he saw his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. He asked her what she was doing, The daughter said: ‘ Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’ A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. When s...