Grandma funnies

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’ Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.” Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her underclothes and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your underclothes,” said Brian. “Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!” --A husband asks his wife-- A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry afte...

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…”   The bartender says, “Well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink.  In fact, this one is on me.” As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.”   The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming up,” says the bartender.  As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”  The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”   “Coming right up,” the bartender says.   As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?” The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learn...

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married settled down in their old neighborhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared where he had carved "I love you, Sally". On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, its fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says: "We've got to give it back". She says, "Finders keepers" puts the money back in the bag hides it up in their attic. The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home. One knocks on the door says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" She says: "No".. The husband says: ...

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!” His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s butt and say, ‘Lets do it!’ And, she’s always sound asleep.” --An Old Carpenter Was Blind-- An old carpenter was blind, but he would sit in the pub carving little figures: If you asked what he was carving he would always tell you the kind of wood before he told you the figure. He bragged that he cou...

Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old The first one said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.” The second lady says, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.” The third one says, ” Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have any of those problems, knock on wood.” As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said, “That must be the door… I'll get it!” --What Did You Just Say – Humor-- A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him he whispered, eyes full of tears: “You know what? You have been with me al...

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband’s lack of interest in love making. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotch-less underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop. One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotch-less undies, and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm. ‘Want some of this?’ she purred. ‘Are you kidding?’ he replied. “Look what it did to your underwear.” -- There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry-- So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it: The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works and tel...

Toilet humor I know you haven't heard before. So, I can guarantee this isn't a repost because it just happened to me. But I guess to put it in joke form I'll just tell it like this: So this man decides to buy a bidet for his toilet. He gets it installed, and over time (with a couple surprises) he gets pretty comfortable using the controls. It's got a self cleaning function that flushes the nozzle, and he uses it before getting up and going on with things. One night, he wanders in to pee, wearing only his shorts, and remembers he didn't flush it because the phone rang, and reaches down to the dial, flipping it quick left, then back to center... and a bit more. The bidet shoots out and sprays, hitting him *precisely* in the belly button, filling it and spraying back onto the seat, running down his legs, and the floor in the second before he realizes what is happening and wrenches it off with a shout. "What happened?" asks his companion. Coming down ...

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. “I’ve been insulted,” she sobbed. “Your mother insulted me.” “My mother!” he exclaimed. “But she is a hundred miles away.” “I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it.” He looked stern, “I see, but where does the insult come in?” “In the postscript,” she answered. “It said: ‘Dear Alice, don’t forget to give this letter to George.'” --My Teacher Wants to See You-- A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.” “What happened?” The father asks. “Well, she asked me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answered ’63’ , then she asked, ‘and 9 * 7?’ So I asked ‘what’s the bloody difference?’ “Indeed, what is the difference?” asks the father. ‘ ‘Sure, I’ll go.” The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, “Dad, have you gone by the school?” “Not yet.” “Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.” “Why?” asks the father. “Well we ha...

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it? He said he’d offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.” “I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get and watch the expression on her face.” When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!” --Two old ladies were outside smoking -- Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain. O...

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, He asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, No. Johnny asks, Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Just go to school. Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, Is Fred and Mary up yet?? She replies, No. Johnny says, Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school. After school, he comes home and asks, Is Fred and Mary up yet? His mom says, No. Johnny asks Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, OK! What do you think?? He says, Well, last night Fred came in my room for some Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.... --Funny Joke ‣ Blonde’s Prayer-- A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and sh...

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Six.” Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven!” Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!” Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!” --Funny Joke ‣ Men Being Men-- There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it. The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money...

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. ‘So what are your plans?’ the father asks the young man. ‘I am a Torah scholar,’ he replies. ‘A Torah scholar. Hmmm,’ the father says. ‘admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?’ ‘I will study,’ the young man replies, ‘and God will provide for us.’ ‘And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?’ asks the father. ‘I will concentrate on my studies,’ the young man replies, ‘God will provide for us.’ ‘And children?’ asks the father. ‘How will you support children?’ “Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiance The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, The young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, ‘How did it go, da...

A son took his old father to a restaurant for an evening dinner. Father being very old and weak, while eating, dropped food on his shirt and trousers. Other diners watched him in disgust while his son was calm. After he finished eating, his son who was not at all embarrassed, quietly took him to the washroom, wiped the food particles, removed the stains, combed his hair and fitted his spectacles firmly. When they came out, the entire restaurant was watching them in dead silence, not able to grasp how someone could embarrass themselves publicly like that. The son settled the bill and started walking out with his father. At that time, an old man amongst the diners called out to the son and asked him, “Don’t you think you have left something behind?”. The son replied, “No sir, I haven’t”. The old man retorted, “Yes, you have! You left a lesson for every son and hope for every father”. The restaurant went silent. ...

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby. He went to his wife and said, “I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered. When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, “Have you been fooling around on me?” His wife confessed, “Not this time.” --There is a girl walking up the stairs-- There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any shorts. He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some inner wear as it is not good to walk around here like this. The girl then goes home and gives the money to her...

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary. They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known “happy going marriage”. Editor: “Sir. It’s amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?” Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: “We had been to Bora Bora for honeymoon after marriage. Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse’s back and said “This is your first time”. She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time she again kept calm and said “This is y...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?” The girl, crying, replied: “Dad… I became a pro s /tit /ute.” Ye what!? Get out a here, ye sha/mel/ess har lot! Sin ner! “You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.” “OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.” “What was it ye said ye had become?” says Dad. Girl, crying again: “A prost!tute, Daddy!.” Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death,...

One day, a young guy and a young girl fell in love. But the guy came from a poor family. The girl’s parents weren’t too happy. So the young man decided not only to court the girl but to court her parents as well. In time, the parents saw that he was a good man and was worthy of their daughter’s hand. But there was another problem: The man was a soldier. Soon, war broke out and he was being sent overseas for a year. The week before he left, the man knelt on his knee and asked his lady love, “Will you marry me?” She wiped her tears and said “Yes” and they were engaged. They agreed that when he got back in one year, they would get married. But tragedy struck. A few days after he left, the girl had a major vehicular accident. It was a head-on collision. When she woke up in the hospital, she saw her father and mother crying. Immediately, she knew there was something wrong. She later found out that she suffered brain injury. The part of her brain that controlled her face muscles wa...

A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning. After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church. “Why aren’t you dressed for church?” “Simple. I’m not going.” “Why not?” “Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going. First of all, the church is cold in the morning. It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me. Everyone is always talking about me behind my back. And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!” “Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going. First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm. Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.” --Jesus Moses and an old man go golfing-- Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts,...

John and Roberta were touring their brand new house. It was a house that Roberta had paid for with her money, a fact of which she constantly reminded John. In each room of the house she said: “John, if it were not for my money, we would not be here.” John didn’t say a word. That afternoon a truck delivered a load of new furniture which Roberta paid for with her money. After the furniture was in its place, they toured the house again. As they observed each room, beautifully appointed and magnificently decorated, Roberta reminded her husband: “John, if it were not for my money, this furniture would not be here.” Again, John was silent. Late in the afternoon another truck came with a special piece of furniture which was to be the focal point of the family room. It was a combination stereo-television-computer center all wrapped into one gorgeous piece of furniture. Roberta paid for it with her money. When it was in place, Roberta again said: “John, if it were not for ...

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?” She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.” --Two Senior Widows-- Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking. Dorothy: “That nice George Johnston asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.” Edna: “Well, I’ll tell...

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been f...

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..." Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me." The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." "But why?" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me." "Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what...

On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: “Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!” The voice from the other side responded: “You fool, you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?” “No,” replied the trainee. “It’s the Managing Director of the company, idiot!” The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who YOU are talking to, you idiot?” “No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly. “Thank god for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone. --Funny Joke ‣ Little Johnny and his Etiquette-- During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students… “Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom. Michael?” Michael: “Just a minute, I have to go pee.” Teacher: “That would be rude and impolite! What about you Peter? How would you say it?” Peter: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroo...

The first day of first grade, Mrs. Smith asked her students to name their favorite letter. One young girl in front raised her hand and said: “My favorite letter is ‘F,’ because the word ‘flowers’ begins with ‘F’.” “Very good, Marissa!” Mrs. Smith chirped. “Who else?” A young boy raised his hand and said: “I like the letter “X” because not a lot of words have an ‘X’ in them.” “That’s also a good one, Kyle.” Mrs. Smith scanned the room. “Anyone else want to share?” A small boy in the back raised his hand about wildly and said: “My favorite letter is definitely ‘G!’” Mrs. Smith looked at the boy and asked: “Why is that, Angus?” --The woman seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers-- A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. The woman seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently care...

A manager, his secretary and a sales representative are walking to lunch when suddenly the wind blows a balloon shape kettle cup down to their end. They caress it gently and in the twinkling of an eye a Genie splurge. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you an opportunity to say whatever you wish, but just one wish.’ ‘Me first! Me first!’ says the secretary ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Puff! She’s gone. ‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales representative. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’ Puff! she’s gone. ‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office immediately after my lunch’ --A man goes into the doctor feeling a little ill-- The doctor checks him over and says, “Sorry, I have some bad news… you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus”. “It’s called Yellow 24 be...

My other wife is beautiful. My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it. My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him! My wife says if I go fishing one more time she’s going to leave me. Gosh, I’m going to miss her. My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way. Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. — P J O’Rourke No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. — Honor de Balzac Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin! — Al Bendy I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. --Wife flirting with the good-looking stranger on island-- A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island. The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger. The three start to build a watchtower. The stranger offers to take fir...

There was a little Johnny whose mother was about to have a baby. One day little Johnny walked in and saw his mother na::k;;ed, He asked his mother what was the hair in be ;twe .en her le ..g. .s. She responded, “It’s my washcloth”. Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again, but while she was in the hospital the doctor shaved her pubic hair and the boy asked his mother: “What happened to your washcloth?” The mother responded, “I lost it”. The little Johnny, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother’s washcloth. A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming, “I found your washcloth!” The mother thinking that the child was just playing went along with Johnny and asked, “Where did you find it?” The Little Johnny answered, “The maid has it and she’s washing daddy’s face with it.” --Quick! Give Me A Pint Of Lager!-- A Man Rushes Into A Bar And Says, “Quick! Give me a pint of lager!” N...