brian and his friend

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.
“Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants.

I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.

They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large.

I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’

Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”

Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.

Then, Jill took off her underclothes and gave them to Brian.

“Try these on,” she said.

Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.

“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your underclothes,” said Brian.
“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
--A husband asks his wife--
A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?”
The wife responds, “No, I will live with my sister.”

The wife asks him back, “Will you marry after I die?”

The husband responds, “No, I will also live with your sister.”

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my birthday

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. 

As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…” 

 The bartender says, “Well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. 

In fact, this one is on me.” As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.” 

 The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming up,” says the bartender.

 As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”

 The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.” 

 “Coming right up,” the bartender says. 

 As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?” The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. 

 Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”

 --They Walk Among-- 

 My husband and I went through the McDonald’s driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.

 Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.

 She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.’

 She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. 

 I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said ‘We’re sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.’ The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change. 

 Do not confuse the people at MacD’s.

 We had to have the garage door repaired. 

 The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener. 

 I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. 

 He shook his head and said, ‘You need a 1/4 horsepower.’

 I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ‘NOOO, it’s not.

 Four is larger than two.’ We haven’t used that repairman since… 

 I live in a semi rural area. 

 We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

 The reason: ‘Too many deer’s are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’ 

 IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE. 

 My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco. 

 She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’ He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. 

 I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ 

 To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’

 The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it’s safe to cross the street. 

 I was crossing with an ‘intellectually challenged’ co-worker of mine.

 She asked if I knew what the beeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. 

 Appalled, she responded, ‘what on earth are blind people doing driving?!’ She is a government employee….. 

 When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

 We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. 

 As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘its open!’ His reply, ‘I know.

 I already did that side.’ STAY ALERT! They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…

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a old couple

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married settled down in their old neighborhood.

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared where he had carved "I love you, Sally".

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, its fifty-thousand dollars.

The husband says: "We've got to give it back".

She says, "Finders keepers" puts the money back in the bag hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home.

One knocks on the door says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

She says: "No"..

The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the policemen sit the man down begin to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says: "Well, when Sally I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
At this, the policeman looks at his partner says: "We're outta here ..."
--Johnny, His Uncle, And A Cat On A Farm--
The Little Johnny, his uncle, and a cat on a farm.
So, a father comes home to Little Johnny one day and says that they’ll have to move for a while.

He’s going out on a business trip and his mother is in hospital for a car accident, so Little Johnny has to stay with his uncle for a while.

His uncle is a farmer, and so Little Johnny arrives on the farm.

He’s only allowed to bring what he can carry, as well as his pet cat.

So, he meets with his uncle and despite being a rather harsh man due to his work, he’s well-meaning.

Not to mention, he seems to be quite a fan of cats ever since his wife met an unfortunate end at the hoof of one of the farm’s horses.

So the Little Johnny is going to bed, and he lets the cat out for the night.

A few hours later, he wakes to the sound of screaming.

He comes outside and his uncle is running about absolutely swamped in baby chicks and kittens.

They seemed to have just sprung up overnight.

He’s trying to herd them all into a small, boxed off area but it’s so damn difficult while trying not to hurt them.
The Little Johnny, naturally confused, asks what happened.
The farmer replies
“Your cat got into the chicken’s roost”, to which Little Johnny replies “Yea, so what?”.

His uncle promptly shoots back,
“haven’t your parents told you what happens when you leave a pu$sy and a c0ck alone in a house overnight?”

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two married man

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,
“You know, I don’t know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.
I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s butt and say, ‘Lets do it!’ And, she’s always sound asleep.”
--An Old Carpenter Was Blind--
An old carpenter was blind, but he would sit in the pub carving little figures:
If you asked what he was carving he would always tell you the kind of wood before he told you the figure.
He bragged that he could tell any kind of wood by smell.
Everyone tried to stump him, but he always got the right wood.
A few of his friends came up with a plan.
They got an old lady to lie on the bar.
The old man sniffed and thought and sniffed again.
He told them to turn the wood over so the old lady lay on her stomach and he sniffed again.
His face lit up and he said….
“You tried to trick me, this is the sh*thouse door from a tuna boat.”

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old ladies at the dinner table

Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old
The first one said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady says, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”
The third one says, ” Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have any of those problems, knock on wood.” As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said, “That must be the door… I'll get it!”
--What Did You Just Say – Humor--
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him he whispered, eyes full of tears: “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”

“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”

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a married lady

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband’s lack of interest in love making.

She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotch-less underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotch-less undies, and a slinky negligee.

She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

‘Want some of this?’ she purred.

‘Are you kidding?’ he replied.

“Look what it did to your underwear.”
-- There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry--
So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it:

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money.

She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works and tells the man.

“I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television and a stereo and gave them to the man.

She said. “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.”

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest.

She says. “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money.

Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest bre@sts…Click to read next joke

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a old man

Toilet humor I know you haven't heard before.
So, I can guarantee this isn't a repost because it just happened to me. But I guess to put it in joke form I'll just tell it like this:

So this man decides to buy a bidet for his toilet. He gets it installed, and over time (with a couple surprises) he gets pretty comfortable using the controls.
It's got a self cleaning function that flushes the nozzle, and he uses it before getting up and going on with things.

One night, he wanders in to pee, wearing only his shorts, and remembers he didn't flush it because the phone rang, and reaches down to the dial, flipping it quick left, then back to center... and a bit more.

The bidet shoots out and sprays, hitting him *precisely* in the belly button, filling it and spraying back onto the seat, running down his legs, and the floor in the second before he realizes what is happening and wrenches it off with a shout.

"What happened?" asks his companion.
Coming down the hall, the man mutters curses under his breath and announces "I just proved it.
The bastard is doing it on purpose! Fucker aims *DIRECTLY* for any hairy hole put anywhere in front of the bastard, and tries to f'u'ck it!"
--Dentist and the old woman--
An old woman had a toothache and had to go visit her dentist.

When she arrived, the assistant led her into one of the patients rooms, and she sat in the chair.

Shortly, the dentist came in and said “Lets take a look at what’s going on here”.

After a few moments the dentist said “Dear, I’m going to have to pull that tooth.”

He reclined the chair, and reached back for some dental pliers. As his hand was approaching her mouth with the pliers, he felt a hand come up on his crotch, and the old lady said, “Doc, we’re not to hurt each other, now are we?”Click to read next joke

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i open the door for my husband

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband.

“I’ve been insulted,” she sobbed.

“Your mother insulted me.”

“My mother!” he exclaimed.

“But she is a hundred miles away.”

“I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it.”

He looked stern, “I see, but where does the insult come in?”

“In the postscript,” she answered.
“It said: ‘Dear Alice, don’t forget to give this letter to George.'”
--My Teacher Wants to See You--
A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.”
“What happened?” The father asks.
“Well, she asked me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answered ’63’ , then she asked, ‘and 9 * 7?’
So I asked ‘what’s the bloody difference?’ “Indeed, what is the difference?” asks the father. ‘
‘Sure, I’ll go.” The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, “Dad, have you gone by the school?” “Not yet.”

“Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.” “Why?” asks the father.

“Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it.

Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. ‘Now,’ he says, ‘lift your left leg,’ so I asked, ‘What, am I suppose to stand on…. my pee??'” “Exactly,” says the father.

“Alright, I’ll come.” The next day, the boy asks his father “Did you go to the school?” “No, not yet.”

“Don’t bother, I got expelled.” Surprised, the father asks “Why did you get expelled?”

“Well, they summoned me to the principal’s office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.”

“What the bloody hell was the art teacher doing there!?” asks the father.

“That’s what I bl'oody said!”

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young women

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it?

He said he’d offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.

She agreed.

The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.”

“I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get and watch the expression on her face.”

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!”
--Two old ladies were outside smoking --
Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain. One of the ladies took out a protection, cut off the tip, and put it over her cigarette.
The other lady said, ‘Hey, that’s a good idea.

What’s that called?’

The lady responded, ‘It’s a protection.’

The other lady said, ‘Where can you get one of those?’

She said, ‘Oh, just about any grocery of drug store.’

So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said,‘I need to get some protection.’

The cashier looked at her puzzled because of her age and said, ‘UH, what size?’

The lady responded, ‘Hmm, one that would fit a camel.’

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mary and fred get married

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night.
In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, He asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, No. Johnny asks, Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Just go to school.

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, Is Fred and Mary up yet?? She replies, No. Johnny says, Do you know what I think??

His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.

After school, he comes home and asks, Is Fred and Mary up yet? His mom says, No. Johnny asks

Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, OK! What do you think??
He says, Well, last night Fred came in my room for some Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue....
--Funny Joke ‣ Blonde’s Prayer--
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in dire financial straits. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray… “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.”

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays… “God, please let me win the lottery! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays… “My God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.

I don’t often ask You for help, and I’ve always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself….
“Sweetheart, work with Me on this…. Buy a ticket.”

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teacher ask johnny

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Six.”

Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven!”

Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”
--Funny Joke ‣ Men Being Men--
There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry.
So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.
The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money.

She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man.

She said, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.”

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest.

She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money.

Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

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young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents.

After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.

‘So what are your plans?’ the father asks the young man.

‘I am a Torah scholar,’ he replies.

‘A Torah scholar. Hmmm,’ the father says.

‘admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?’

‘I will study,’ the young man replies, ‘and God will provide for us.’

‘And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?’ asks the father.

‘I will concentrate on my studies,’ the young man replies, ‘God will provide for us.’

‘And children?’ asks the father. ‘How will you support children?’

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiance

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions,

The young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, ‘How did it go, darling?’
The father answers, ‘He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks I’m God.’
-- A rather confident man walks into a bar --
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, ”Is your date running late?” ”No,” he replies, ”I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.” The intrigued woman says, ”A state-of-the-art watch?
What’s so special about it?” ”It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains. ”What’s it telling you now?” she asked. ”Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.” he said.

The woman giggles and replies, ”Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!” The man explains, ”Damn thing must be an hour fast.”

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father and son

A son took his old father to a restaurant for an evening dinner.

Father being very old and weak, while eating, dropped food on his shirt and trousers.

Other diners watched him in disgust while his son was calm.

After he finished eating, his son who was not at all embarrassed, quietly took him to the washroom,

wiped the food particles, removed the stains, combed his hair and fitted his spectacles firmly.

When they came out, the entire restaurant was watching them in dead silence,

not able to grasp how someone could embarrass themselves publicly like that.

The son settled the bill and started walking out with his father.

At that time, an old man amongst the diners called out to the son and asked him,

“Don’t you think you have left something behind?”.

The son replied, “No sir, I haven’t”.

The old man retorted,

“Yes, you have! You left a lesson for every son and hope for every father”.

The restaurant went silent.

Moral: To care for those who once cared for us is one of the highest honors. We all know, how our parents cared for us for every little things. Love them, respect them, and care for them.
-- When God created woman he was working late on the 6th day…….--

An angel came by and asked.” Why spend so much time on her”
The lord answered. “Have you seen all the specifications I have to meet to shape her”
She must function in all kinds of situations,

She must be able to embrace several kids at the same time,

Have a hug that can heal anything from a bruised knee to a broken heart,

She must do all this with only two hands,”

She cures herself when sick and can work 18 hours a day”

THE ANGEL was impressed”
Just two hands…..impossible!
And this is the standard model”
The Angel came closer and touched the woman”
“But you have made her so soft, Lord”.
“She is soft”, said the Lord,
“But I have made her strong. You can’t imagine what she can endure and overcome”
“Can she think” The Angel asked…
The Lord answered. “Not only can she think, she can reason and negotiate”
The Angel touched her cheeks….
“Lord, it seems this creation is leaking!

You have put too many burdens on her” “She is not leaking…it is a tear” The Lord corrected the Angel…

“What’s it for?” Asked the Angel…..
The Lord said. “Tears are her way of expressing her grief, her doubts, her love, her loneliness, her suffering and her pride.”…
This made a big impression on the Angel,
“Lord, you are a genius. You thought of everything.

A woman is indeed marvellous” Lord said. “Indeed she is.

She has strength that amazes a man.

She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens.

She holds happiness, love and opinions.

She smiles when she feels like screaming. She sings when she feels like crying, cries when happy and laughs when afraid.

She fights for what she believes in.

Her love is unconditional.

Her heart is broken when a next-of-kin or a friend dies but she finds strength to get on with life”

The Angel asked: So she is a perfect being..

The Lord replied: No. She has just one drawback

“She often forgets what she is worth”.!

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middle age couple

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters,

decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.

He went to his wife and said, “I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded,
“Have you been fooling around on me?”
His wife confessed, “Not this time.”
--There is a girl walking up the stairs--
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.
As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any shorts.
He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some inner wear as it is not good to walk around here like this.
The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy inner wear for her When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened.

Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her inner wear, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church

As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs.

The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.

The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly.

The priest then gives the lady $1 and says,

“Take this money and for God’s Sake, buy yourself a razor.

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A married couple for 25 years

Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.

They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years.

Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known “happy going marriage”.

Editor: “Sir. It’s amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?”

Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said:

“We had been to Bora Bora for honeymoon after marriage.

Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses.

My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.

On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.

Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse’s back and said

“This is your first time”. She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride.

After a while, it happened again.

This time she again kept calm and said

“This is your second time” and continued.

When the horse dropped her third time,

she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at my wife:

“What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?” …

She gave a silent look and said:

“This is your first time

Husband: “That’s it. We are happy ever after.”
--
A man lay sprawled across three seats in the cinema.
When the usherette came by and noticed this, she whispered to the old man “Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat”.
The old man didn't budge
The usherette became more impatient.

She said “Sir, if you don't move from there I'm going to have to call the manager.”

Once again the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usherette marched briskly up the aisle, and returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.
The officer surveyed the situation briefly, then asked “All right mate, whats your name?”
“Fred” the old man moaned.
“Where you from, Fred?” asked the police officer.
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied…
“THE BALCONY!”

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my daughter not been home for 5 years

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

Where have ye been all this time, child?

Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn’t ye call?

Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?”

The girl, crying, replied:

“Dad… I became a pro s /tit /ute.”

Ye what!? Get out a here, ye sha/mel/ess har lot! Sin ner!

“You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”

“OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate.

For me little brother, this gold Rolex.

And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.”

“What was it ye said ye had become?” says Dad.

Girl, crying again:

“A prost!tute, Daddy!.”

Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Prot::es::tant!

Come here and give yer old Dad a hug
-- A man and his wife went to the zoo.--
They found a Monkey who was passionately playing with his female.

His wife said to him,

“What a romantic animal.”

Then, they found a Lion and his Lioness separated from each other; the silent Lion sat alone in his corner as if the Lioness doesn’t exist.

His wife said to him,

“What a sad scene without love.”

Her husband then said to her,

“Throw that stone at the Lioness and watch.”

When she threw the stone at the Lioness, the Lion roared to defend his Lioness, then she was asked to repeat it with the Monkey, the Monkey then jumped up and climbed the tree and abandoned his female to save his own skin.

Her husband then told her,

“Do not be deceived by what you see as romance in outward show, oftentimes, it is a deceptive appearance just to hide an empty heart; there are others on the contrary who are relaxed, but their hearts are full of sincere love.”

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Love Story

One day, a young guy and a young girl fell in love.
But the guy came from a poor family. The girl’s parents weren’t too happy.
So the young man decided not only to court the girl but to court her parents as well.
In time, the parents saw that he was a good man and was worthy of their daughter’s hand.
But there was another problem: The man was a soldier. Soon, war broke out and he was being sent overseas for a year.
The week before he left, the man knelt on his knee and asked his lady love,
“Will you marry me?” She wiped her tears and said “Yes” and they were engaged. They agreed that when he got back in one year, they would get married.
But tragedy struck. A few days after he left, the girl had a major vehicular accident. It was a head-on collision.
When she woke up in the hospital, she saw her father and mother crying. Immediately, she knew there was something wrong.
She later found out that she suffered brain injury. The part of her brain that controlled her face muscles was damaged. Her once lovely face was now disfigured.
She cried as she saw herself in the mirror. “Yesterday, I was beautiful. Today, I’m a monster.” Her body was also covered with so many ugly wounds.
Right there and then, she decided to release her fiancé from their promise. She knew he wouldn’t want her anymore. She would forget about him and never see him again.
For one year, the soldier wrote many letters—but she wouldn’t answer. He phoned her many times but she wouldn’t return her calls.
But after one year, the mother walked into her room and announced, “He’s back from the war.”
The girl shouted, “No! Please don’t tell him about me. Don’t tell him I’m here!”
The mother said, “He’s getting married,” and handed her a wedding invitation.
The girl’s heart sank. She knew she still loved him—but she had to forget him now.
With great sadness, she opened the wedding invitation.
And then she saw her name on it!
Confused, she asked, “What is this?” That was when the young man entered her room with a bouquet of flowers. He knelt beside her and asked, “Will you marry me?”
The girl covered her face with her hands and said, “I’m ugly!”
The man said, “Without your permission, your mother sent me your photos. When I saw your photos, I realized that nothing has changed.
You’re still the person I fell in love. You’re still as beautiful as ever. Because I love you!”
--The Big Barbeque And Butt--
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day.
The man looks over at his wife and says: “Your butt is getting really big I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill, then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife’s bottom: “Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!”
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband was feeling a little frisky.
He made some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. “What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers: “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

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wife and husband get up on sunday morning

A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.

After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.

“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”

“Simple. I’m not going.”

“Why not?”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.

First of all, the church is cold in the morning.

It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.

Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.

And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going.
First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.
Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”
--Jesus Moses and an old man go golfing--
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses.
He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.

Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.

Jesus closes his eyes and prays.

The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the h*le.

The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball.

The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water.

A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.

As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.

As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the h*le, making a h*le in one.

Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!”

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Roberta and john

John and Roberta were touring their brand new house.

It was a house that Roberta had paid for with her money, a fact of which she constantly reminded John.

In each room of the house she said: “John, if it were not for my money, we would not be here.”

John didn’t say a word.
That afternoon a truck delivered a load of new furniture which Roberta paid for with her money.

After the furniture was in its place, they toured the house again.

As they observed each room, beautifully appointed and magnificently decorated, Roberta reminded her husband:

“John, if it were not for my money, this furniture would not be here.”

Again, John was silent.
Late in the afternoon another truck came with a special piece of furniture which was to be the focal point of the family room.

It was a combination stereo-television-computer center all wrapped into one gorgeous piece of furniture.

Roberta paid for it with her money.

When it was in place, Roberta again said: “John, if it were not for my money, that beautiful electronics system would not be here.”

Finally, John spoke: “Honey, I don’t want to make you feel bad, but if it were not for your money, I wouldn’t be here either!”
--Little Johnny Is Sat In His Back Garden --
Little Johnny is sat in his back garden, when his grandad comes out.

‘Grandad,I’m Bored”. says Jonny ‘I’ll tell you what then’ says Grandad.

He picks a worm up from the lawn and says to Jonny.

‘If you can get this worm back into its worm hole then I’ll give you £10, that should keep you occupied ‘.

Little Jonny thinks for a while then goes upstairs to his mother’s bedroom.

He comes back with a can of hair spray.

He puts his foot on one end of the worm and stretches it out as far as it will go .

Then he sprays the worm with hair spray, waits for a minute then let’s go of the worm ,and it is straight and rigid.

Then Jonny slips the worm into its worm hole.

Grandad is super surprised and gives Jonny £10
The next day Jonny is in the garden again and Grandad comes out and gives Jonny another £10.
‘Whats this for Grandad? ‘

‘Thats from your grandma ‘ replies Grandad.’

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lucky day

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
She explained,
“The egg timer’s broken.”
--Two Senior Widows--
Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking. Dorothy:
“That nice George Johnston asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”

Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you.

He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs. And what’s there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.

Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!”

Dorothy: “Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn’t go?”

Edna: “No, no, no … I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”

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blonde grandma

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue following if she wanted but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to the K-mart next.
--Well How Was It --
A woman meets an elderly man in a bar.
They talk: they connect: they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It’s obvious that he’s taken time to lovingly arrange them, and she’s immediately touched by the amount of thought he’s put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears.

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn’t mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after a while, she finds herself thinking, “Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!”

Maybe he could be the future father of my children? She turns to him and kisses him lightly.

He responds warmly, they continue to kiss ,the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She’s so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she’s ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they lie together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

“Well how was it?” The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

“Help yourself to any prize from the Middle Shelf.”

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couple visit their friend

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what!
Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."

"But why?" asked the startled father.
"Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."
"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."
--The old man says to the woman--
There’s an elderly man and woman sitting in the sun room of a retirement home.
The old man says to the woman, “For five dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that rocking chair over there.
For ten dollars, I’ll have lovemaking with you on that couch.

But for twenty dollars, I’ll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you’ll never forget.”

The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.

The man says, “So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?”

The woman replies, “No, I want four times in the rocker.”

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first day

On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:

“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”

The voice from the other side responded: “You fool, you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”

“No,” replied the trainee.

“It’s the Managing Director of the company, idiot!”

The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who YOU are talking to, you idiot?”

“No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly.
“Thank god for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone.
--Funny Joke ‣ Little Johnny and his Etiquette--
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students…

“Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom. Michael?”

Michael: “Just a minute, I have to go pee.”

Teacher: “That would be rude and impolite! What about you Peter? How would you say it?”

Peter: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I’ll be right back.”

Teacher: “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?”

Johnny: “I would say: ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope you’ll get to meet after supper.”

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smith asked her students

The first day of first grade, Mrs. Smith asked her students to name their favorite letter.

One young girl in front raised her hand and said: “My favorite letter is ‘F,’ because the word ‘flowers’ begins with ‘F’.”

“Very good, Marissa!” Mrs. Smith chirped. “Who else?”

A young boy raised his hand and said: “I like the letter “X” because not a lot of words have an ‘X’ in them.”

“That’s also a good one, Kyle.”
Mrs. Smith scanned the room.
“Anyone else want to share?”
A small boy in the back raised his hand about wildly and said: “My favorite letter is definitely ‘G!’”
Mrs. Smith looked at the boy and asked: “Why is that, Angus?”
--The woman seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers--
A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” he replied.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes. I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?” the flustered bartender managed to stammer.

“Tell him,” she whispered, “There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”

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Three Wishes

A manager, his secretary and a sales representative are walking to lunch when suddenly the wind blows a balloon shape kettle cup down to their end.

They caress it gently and in the twinkling of an eye a Genie splurge.

The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you an opportunity to say whatever you wish, but just one wish.’

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the secretary ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’ Puff! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales representative. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’ Puff! she’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office immediately after my lunch’
--A man goes into the doctor feeling a little ill--
The doctor checks him over and says,
“Sorry, I have some bad news… you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus”.

“It’s called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

There’s no known cure, so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth”

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320.

Then he gets the full house and wins $1000.

Then the Jack-Pot comes up and he wins $10,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,

“Mate, I’ve been here 20 years and I’ve never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the jack-pot on the same game card”.

“You must be the luckiest bloke on Earth!”

“Lucky?” he screamed. “I’ll have you know I’ve got Yellow 24”

“CRIKEY MATE!” says the bingo caller.

“You’ve won the meat raffle as well!”

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my wife is beautiful

My other wife is beautiful.

My wife doesn’t care what I do away from home, as long as I don’t enjoy it.

My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!

My wife says if I go fishing one more time she’s going to leave me. Gosh, I’m going to miss her.

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. — P J O’Rourke

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. — Honor de Balzac

Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin! — Al Bendy
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
--Wife flirting with the good-looking stranger on island--
A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island.
The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger.

The three start to build a watchtower. The stranger offers to take first watch.

While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the stranger yells,

“Hey! No naughty things on the beach! Get back to work!”

The husband yells back, “We’re not doing any naughty things!”

Later, the stranger yells out to them again. Again, the husband yells back and corrects him.

This happens several times during the stranger’s shift.

Finally, the husband’s takes his shift in the watch tower.

His wife and the good-looking stranger make passionate love on the beach.

The husband on watch exclaims, “Wow, it really does look like naughty from up here!”

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johnny want a brother

There was a little Johnny whose mother was about to have a baby.

One day little Johnny walked in and saw his mother na::k;;ed,

He asked his mother what was the hair in be ;twe .en her le ..g. .s.

She responded,

“It’s my washcloth”.

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again,

but while she was in the hospital the doctor shaved her pubic hair and the boy asked his mother:

“What happened to your washcloth?”

The mother responded, “I lost it”.

The little Johnny, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother’s washcloth.

A few days later the little boy went running to his mother yelling and screaming,

“I found your washcloth!”

The mother thinking that the child was just playing went along with Johnny and asked,

“Where did you find it?”

The Little Johnny answered,

“The maid has it and she’s washing daddy’s face with it.”
--Quick! Give Me A Pint Of Lager!--
A Man Rushes Into A Bar And Says, “Quick! Give me a pint of lager!”

No sooner does he finish that drink, he orders a whisky and slams it down.

As fast as the bartender is pouring the drinks, the man is knocking them back, one after the other.

The bartender says, “Are you okay buddy? What’s brought this on?”

The man replies, “Man, I should NOT be drinking all this with what I’ve got.”

“Holy smokes,” replies the bartender, “what have you got?!”

The man replies,

“About five bucks.”

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