Childhood

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married settled down in their old neighborhood.

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared where he had carved "I love you, Sally".

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, its fifty-thousand dollars.

The husband says: "We've got to give it back".

She says, "Finders keepers" puts the money back in the bag hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home.

One knocks on the door says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

She says: "No"..

The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the policemen sit the man down begin to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says: "Well, when Sally I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
At this, the policeman looks at his partner says: "We're outta here ..."
--Johnny, His Uncle, And A Cat On A Farm--
The Little Johnny, his uncle, and a cat on a farm.
So, a father comes home to Little Johnny one day and says that they’ll have to move for a while.

He’s going out on a business trip and his mother is in hospital for a car accident, so Little Johnny has to stay with his uncle for a while.

His uncle is a farmer, and so Little Johnny arrives on the farm.

He’s only allowed to bring what he can carry, as well as his pet cat.

So, he meets with his uncle and despite being a rather harsh man due to his work, he’s well-meaning.

Not to mention, he seems to be quite a fan of cats ever since his wife met an unfortunate end at the hoof of one of the farm’s horses.

So the Little Johnny is going to bed, and he lets the cat out for the night.

A few hours later, he wakes to the sound of screaming.

He comes outside and his uncle is running about absolutely swamped in baby chicks and kittens.

They seemed to have just sprung up overnight.

He’s trying to herd them all into a small, boxed off area but it’s so damn difficult while trying not to hurt them.
The Little Johnny, naturally confused, asks what happened.
The farmer replies
“Your cat got into the chicken’s roost”, to which Little Johnny replies “Yea, so what?”.

His uncle promptly shoots back,
“haven’t your parents told you what happens when you leave a pu$sy and a c0ck alone in a house overnight?”

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recently divorced woman

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly she came out in the divorce settlement, when she spies a lamp washing up onshore.

She rubs the lamp, and out pops a genie.

The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him.

Then the genie informs that he will give her three wishes.

But, he cautions her, because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times what she wishes for.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish.

The first wish was for a billion dollars.

The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting on one billion dollars.

The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.

The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish.

The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach.

In an instant it was granted, but the genie then reminds again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish.

Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish.

But, before she can do this, the genie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.

No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy.
For my last wish..”I’d like to give birth to twins.
--Mind-Reader--
Once at a crossroad, Mulla Nasruddin Hodja saw a portly nobleman riding towards him.
“I say, Mulla,” said the man
“Which is the way to the palace?”

“How did you know I was a Mulla?” asked Hodja.

The nobleman had a habit of addressing every scholarly-looking man as “Mulla,” which was a title given to learned men and meant “master” but he didn't want to tell Hodja that.

“How did I know?” he bragged “Well, I'm a mind-reader, that's how.”

“Pleased to meet you,” said Hodja
“As to your question, read my mind and proceed.”

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Blonde lady

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue following if she wanted but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to the K-mart next.
--Well How Was It --
A woman meets an elderly man in a bar.
They talk: they connect: they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It’s obvious that he’s taken time to lovingly arrange them, and she’s immediately touched by the amount of thought he’s put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears.

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn’t mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after a while, she finds herself thinking, “Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!”

Maybe he could be the future father of my children? She turns to him and kisses him lightly.

He responds warmly, they continue to kiss ,the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She’s so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she’s ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they lie together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,

“Well how was it?” The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:

“Help yourself to any prize from the Middle Shelf.”

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Senior win

Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking. Dorothy:

“That nice George Johnston asked me out for a date.

I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”

Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you.

He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs. And what’s there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.

Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!”
Dorothy: “Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn’t go?”
Edna: “No, no, no … I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”
-- $200 Just For One Night – Humor--
A guy asked a girl in the library.
“Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl answered with a loud voice.
“I don’t want to spend the night with you.”
All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him.
“I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy responded with a loud voice.

“$200 just for one night? That’s too much”
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the boy whispered in her ears.
I study law and I know how to make someone guilty.”

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look back

After 25 years of marriage, a husband took a long look at his wife one day and said: “Twenty-five years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, and I slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a sexy twenty-six year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, a nice car and a big bed, but I’m sleeping with a fifty-one year old woman. It seems that you’re not pulling your weight.”
She replied calmly: “Then why don’t you go out and find a sexy twenty-six year old blonde? And when you do, I’ll make sure once again that you’ll be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.”
-- These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven--
These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, “We only have one rule here in heaven. Don’t step on the ducks.”
So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It’s almost impossible not to step on a duck there’s so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one.

St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen.
St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”

The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn’t want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he’s extremely careful where he steps.

Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She’s tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy.

Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy.

The guy happily says to the woman, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?”

The woman replies, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”

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When His Little Grandson Asks Him To Make A Sound Like A Frog

A little boy said, “Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?

“Why sure you can,” his grandfather replied.

As he sat on his grandfather’s lap he said, “Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?”

“A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog.”

The boy said, “Grandpa, will you please, please make a sound like a frog?”

Perplexed, his grandfather said, “Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?”
And the little boy said, “Because Grandma said that when you croak, we’re going to Florida!”
--An Old Lady Having A Problem--
One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch.
She told the doctor her problem and he said, “You have the crabs”.
She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin.

She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him.

The doctor said, “You probably have the crabs”.

“No” she said, “I am an eighty year old virgin.”

Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.

She said, “Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don’t tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old vi'rg''in. It can not be the crabs.”

The doctor said, Jump on the table and let’s have a look.”

“After examining the doctor proclaimed, “Ma’am, your right, you do not have the crabs, this cherry is so old, you have fruit flies.”

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old Woman With A Small Family Called In To A Radio Station

A very poor old woman with a small family called a radio station asking for help from God.

A non-believer man who was also listening to this radio program decided to make fun of the woman.

He got her address, called his secretary and ordered her to buy a large number of foodstuffs and take them to the woman.

However, he sent it with the following instruction:

“When the woman asks who sent the food, tell her that it’s from the devil.”

When the secretary arrived at the woman’s house, the woman was so happy and grateful for the help that had been received.

She started putting the food inside her small house.

The Secretary then asked her,
”Don’t you want to know who sent the food?”

The woman replied,
”No, Say thanks to whoever sent this! I don’t care who the person is because when GOD orders, even the devil obeys”!
--An Old Lady Was Walking Down The Street--
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,
“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady.
“I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”

“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.
” Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady.

“You see, my backyard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’

“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing.

“OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”

“Not everybody pays.”

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The guy thought it was his lucky day

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
She explained,
“The egg timer’s broken.”
--Two Senior Widows--
Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking. Dorothy:
“That nice George Johnston asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”

Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you.

He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs. And what’s there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.

Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!”

Dorothy: “Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn’t go?”

Edna: “No, no, no … I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”

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Your ex-husband

This is a letter from a man to his wife.
Dear wife,
I am writing this letter to tell you that I am leaving you forever. I’ve been a good person to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These are the last 2 weeks it was hell.

Your boss called me and said you quit today and that was the last straw. Advertisement Last week, you came home with a new haircut, cooked your favorite meal, and didn’t even notice that you were wearing a brand new pair of silk boxers. 2 minutes later you ate and watched all your soaps and went straight to sleep. You won’t tell me you love me anymore; You don’t want Sex or anything that binds us together as husband and wife.

Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; anyway i’m off… Your ex-husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your sister and I are moving to West Virginia! Have a good life!
--A flight is on its way to Sydney--
A flight is on its way to Sydney, Australia when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful,

I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”

The flight attendant goes into the c*ckpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this , I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney.”

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People High School Reunions

jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
--Abe And Esther Are Flying To Australia--
An old couple, Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later the old man Abe turns to his wife and asks,
“Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
“Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”
“Oy, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther.
“I didn’t send that one, either.”
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him,
“So, why did you kiss me?”
Abe answers,
“They’ll find us.”

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NIGHT OUT WITH

The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh sh*t” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
--Two Farmers Are Fighting Over Their Donkeys--
Two farmers are fighting over their donkeys.
They can’t tell the donkeys apart so the first farmer says
“I’ll cut my the tail of my donkey off so that we can tell.”
A few days later the donkeys get into a fight and the other donkey gets its tail bitten off.

The other farmer says “I’ll cut my donkey’s ear off so I know it’s mine.”
Then the next day the donkeys fight again and the other one loses an ear.

Then the first farmer says “I’ll put a collar around my donkey”
The donkeys get into a fight again and the folder comes off.
Then finally the first farmer says
“I’ll tell you what, you take the white one and I’ll take the black one.”

The second farmer responds:
We should probably keep this gate closed too.

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couple was 85 years old

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
--The Englishman's wife--
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

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old ladies were sitting at the dinner table

Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old
The first one said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady says, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”
The third one says, ” Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have any of those problems, knock on wood.” As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said, “That must be the door… I'll get it!”
--What Did You Just Say – Humor--
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him he whispered, eyes full of tears: “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”

“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”

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Robinson came home

Mr. Robinson came home in great ex'ci''tement and said to his wife,

“You’ll never believe it, dear, but I’ve discovered an entirely new position for love . making.”

“Really,” said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. “What is it?”


“Back to back.”.

“But that’s crazy. We can’t do anything back to back.”
“Yes we can. I’ve persuaded another couple to help out.”
--The wife straddles the husbands face --
A wife wants to try 69 with her husband
The husband says “what’s that” “I’ll show you” the wife says
The wife then straddles the husbands face and farts. The wife then scurries off embarrassed.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to do that let me try again” says the wife The wife straddles the husbands face and once again farts directly in his face.
The husband shoves off his wife.

“I don’t want to do this anymore” says the husband “Why not?” Questions the wife
“Because I’ll be damned if I lay here for 67 more!” Exclaims the husband.

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airbag

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.

The husband is behind the wheel.

His wife suddenly looks across at him and speaks in a clear voice.

“I know we have been married for over twenty years, but I want a divorce.”

The husband says nothing. He keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases his speed to 45mph.

The wife speaks again.

“I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it.”

She says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he is a far better lover than you are.”

Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55mph.

She pushes her luck.

“I want a house.”

She says insistently. Up to 60 mph. “I want the car, too.” She continues. 65mph. “And,” she says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!” The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes her nervous, so she asks him, “Isn’t there anything you want?” The husband ... The husband at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need, ” he says. “Oh, really,” she inquires. “So what have you got?” Just before they slam into the wall at 65mph, the husband turns to her and smiles. “The airbag!”
--A Boy and a Frog--
A 6 yr old boy was in the market with his 4 yr old sister. Suddenly the boy found that his sister was lagging behind.
He stopped and looked back. His sister was standing in front of a toy shop and was watching something with great interest.

The boy went back to her and asked, “Do you want something?” The sister pointed at the doll. The boy held her hand and like a responsible elder brother, gave that doll to her. The sister was very very happy…

The shopkeeper was watching everything and getting amused to see the matured behaviour of the boy…

Now the boy came to the counter and asked the shopkeeper, “What is the cost of this doll, Sir? !”

The shopkeeper was a cool man and had experienced the odds of life. So he asked the boy with a lot of love affection, “Well, What can you pay?”

The boy took out all the shells that he had collected from sea shore, from his pocket and gave them to the shopkeeper.

The shopkeeper took the shells and started counting as if he were counting the currency. Then he looked at the boy. The boy asked him worriedly, “Is it less?”

The shopkeeper said, “No, No… These are more than the cost. So I will return the remaining.” Saying so, he kept only 4 shells with him and returned the remaining.

The boy, very happily kept those shells back in his pocket and went away with his sister.

A servant in that shop got very surprised watching all these. He asked his master, “Sir ! You gave away such a costly doll just for 4 shells ???”

The shopkeeper said with a smile, “Well, for us these are mere shells.

But for that boy, these shells are very precious. And at this age he does not understand what money is, but when he will grow up, he definitely will.

And when he would remember that he purchased a doll with the Shells instead of Money, he will remember me and think that world is full of Good people.

It will help him develop a positive attitude and he too in turn will feel motivated to be Good.”

Mind Mantra – Whatever emotion you infuse into the world, it will further spread. If you do good, goodness will spread. If you do bad, negativity will spread.

Realize you are a very powerful source of energy.

Your good or bad will come back to you magnified. Not in the ways you want it, and probably not in the ways you can understand it. But it will come back.

Loved it….hence posted.

Keep your circle positive. Don’t forget to share this piece of goodness with your circle.

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Gart and his wife are having dinner

Garth and his wife Sadie are having dinner at an upmarket restaurant in Melbourne, when an attractive young redhead walks by, smiles at Garth and says, “Hello Garth.”

Sadie immediately asks, “And who was that girl who just spoke to you?”

Garth replies, “Oh her, that’s my girlfriend.”

“You have a mistress? I don’t believe you. How long has this been going on?” says Sadie.

“About ten years, on and off.” answers Garth.

“Ten years?”, says Sadie. “You swine! I’ll see a solicitor tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. I’ll ruin you, you wait and see.”

“Now hold on Sadie,” responds Garth, “just think about it for a minute. If we get a divorce, you will only get only half of what we have together now.

You won’t have our big house in Homestead, you’ll no longer get a new Lexus as your birthday present from me each year, you won’t be able to play golf all day with your friends, you won’t …”

But before Garth can continue, a blonde walks past and says to him, “Hello, nice to see you again.”

Sadie asks, “And who was that, another of your ‘girls’?”

Garth replies, “No, that’s Harry’s mistress.”

“You mean that Harry also has a mistress?” says Sadie, surprised.
Garth answers, “Of course, she’s been with him for nearly twelve years.”
Sadie then says, proudly, “I like ours a lot better.”
--Farmer Joe had a nagging wife--
Farmer Joe had a nagging wife who made his life miserable.
The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.
One day when he was out in the field, Joe’s wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.

Suddenly, Joe’s old mule kicked up his back legs, striking her in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Joe’s minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Joe he would nod his head up and down.

But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Joe and asked “Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?”

“Well,” Joe replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, “Is that mule for sale?”

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Johnny Asks His Father

One day little Johnny asks his father “Dad, why do grown-ups like to exercise in bed?” Wife was cooking dinner when she heard little Johnny ask, so she eavesdrops and listens to what her husband will have to say. 

Father “because it makes grown ups happy” Johnny “I want to be happy too” Father “then you have to wait until you’re a grown up” Johnny “but who will exercise with me when I grow up?” 

Father “hopefully when you get married, it will be your wife” Johnny “but dad, how come our neighbour Sally exercises with you” Wife rushes out of the kitchen, ambulance arrives 10 minutes later.

 --A Lion Stands Upon His Rock--

 A lion stands on his rock and lets out a large roar. Immediately, every animal goes up to the lion and crowds around him.

 “I have heard rumours from one of you,” begins the lion. 

“I have heard rumours that one of you is trying to take the throne from me, the king of the savannah. 

As king, I suggest I have a fight with anyone who wants to take it from me.

 If you defeat me, I will give it to you with no more disputes, as proof that you have beaten me in a battle.”

 Immediately, the baboon goes into a cave and begins working out. 

Push-ups, sit-ups, jumping jacks, everything. Some giraffes pass by and ask “Hey baboon, what are you doing?” “I’m working out,” he says.

 “I’m going to be the one who defeats the lion and become the king, but I gotta be strong before that.”

 Several hours later, some hyenas pass by and ask the same thing.

 “Getting strong, trying to build muscle.

 I need to be the strongest to defeat the lion.

 Now leave me, I need to keep going.” 

The lion passes by, and he asks the baboon what he’s doing. “Oh, you know. Just exercising…

and spreading rumours around.”

Little Johnny Asks His Father

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Little Boys Visiting Their Grandparents

there were three little boys visiting their grandparents.

The oldest came out and asked his grandpa,

“Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpa? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds,

“No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.”

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather,

“Will you please make a sound like a frog?”

Grandpa again says,

“No, not now. I don’t really want to do that. I’m in a grumpy mood. Maybe later.”

Then the third little boy comes out and says,

“Grandpa, oh please… Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?”

“Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa asked.

The little boy replied with a hopeful face,

“Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!”
--A middle aged couple decided to try one last time--
A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters,
decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.

He went to his wife and said, “I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded,

“Have you been fooling around on me?”

His wife confessed, “Not this time.”

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My Classroom

young woman, (a new teacher) was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?”

“Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny Billy?”

“Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters.”
Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.
“Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!”
--An Old Man Paddy Walks Into A Chemist’s.--
An old man Paddy walks into a chemist’s laboratory, pulls out a small bottle from his pocket, removes the cork and addresses the pharmacist.
“Wid ye mind tastin that fir me”?

The man takes a swig and screws his face up in disgust.

“That’s terrible,” he says.

“So bitter”.

Paddy the old man replies with delight

“Oh tats good news, they told me to bring a sample here and get tested fir me sugar levels”.

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Dear God, please help me!

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:

Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $ 100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $ 96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $ 4 missing. I think it must have been those bastards at the Post Office!
-- An Old Man, Who Just Moved To Montana--
An old cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the old cowboy,
“You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The old man replies,
“Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The old man becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
“I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The old man looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains.
“It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”
“It hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

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Wife have delivered twins

The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war.
The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins.

He got to a phone and called her right away. “Oh honey, I’m so happy,” he said

“Who took you to the hospital?”

“Your brother, Joe, drove me, and since I had to be anesthetized he named the twins.”

The husband was horrified
“But, but, Joe is an idiot! Oh no! What did he name them?”

The wife answered, “We have a girl and a boy

Joe named the girl De-niece.”

The husband interrupted, “Well, that’s not so bad
What did he name the boy?”
“Joe named the boy De-nephew.”
--A beautiful redhead--
A beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place.

“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together.

Afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks at a bar

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.

He says yes and they return to her place.

He ends up staying the night.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is He can’t believe his luck
“You know,” he said, “You are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies,

“You just happened to catch my eye.”

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The guy thought it was his lucky

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
She explained,
“The egg timer’s broken.”
--Two Senior Widows--
Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking. Dorothy:
“That nice George Johnston asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”

Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you.

He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs. And what’s there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.

Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!”

Dorothy: “Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn’t go?”

Edna: “No, no, no … I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”

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Two Elderly Women Were Having A Lunch

Two elderly women were having a late lunch and a drink at a local pub one afternoon when Ethel noticed something funny about Mable’s ear and said,

“Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”

Mable answered,

“I have? A suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said,
“Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”
--A Housewife Takes A Lover During The Day--
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “My dad’s outside.”

Man: “OK, how much?”

Boy: “£250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes, it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “I’ll tell.”

Man: “How much?”

Boy: “£750.”

Man: “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy,

“Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”

The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The son says, “£1,000.”

The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again!!”

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How Was It

A woman meets an elderly man in a bar.
They talk: they connect: they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!

It’s obvious that he’s taken time to lovingly arrange them, and she’s immediately touched by the amount of thought he’s put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears.

She is quite impressed by his sensitive side but doesn’t mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and after a while, she finds herself thinking, “Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!”

Maybe he could be the future father of my children? She turns to him and kisses him lightly.

He responds warmly, they continue to kiss,the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other’s clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She’s so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she’s ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they lie together in the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
“Well how was it?” The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
“Help yourself to any prize from the Middle Shelf.”
--A poor man told his wife--
A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas.
So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned.
As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house.

He knocked on the door, the servant opened.

“Is the housewife in?” he asked.
The servant replied: “Just a moment.”
The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.

Husband: Guess what? I am rich.
Wife: How?

Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand so I began to make and sell underwear and beds.
Due to the high demand, I got rich fast.

Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed…I got REAL rich.

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A Daughter Wanted To Control Her Old Fathers

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing, I said.

Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was “only thinking of me” and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, “Are you nuts? you are 73 years old, and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me, “Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”

Oh man, I’m in trouble again; I really don’t know what to do… I signed up for five jumps a week.”

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
--An Elderly Man With A Winking Problem--
An elderly man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says,

“This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought.

However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry…. we can’t hire you.”
“But wait,” the elderly man says.

“If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!”

“Really? Great! Show me now!”
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of c0ndoms: red c0ndoms, blue c0nd0ms, ribbed c0ndoms, flavoured c0ndoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.

He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
“Well,” said the interviewer,
“that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!”

“Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!”
“Well then, how do you explain all these c0ndoms?”
“Oh, that,” he sighed.
“Have you ever walked into a chemist, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

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man-crying

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out.

I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, “I have a 22 year old wife at home.

She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”

I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”

He said, “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies, cleans the house and then watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon.”

I said, “Well, why are you crying?”

He said, “For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love with me until the wee hours”

I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”

He said, “I can’t remember where I live!”
--One night a little girl walks in on her parents having s'e'x--
The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.

“What are you doing, Mommy?”

The mother too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.

“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”

The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies, “Because mommy, everytime you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
--A man is in a hotel lobby--
He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

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A woman is at funeral

A woman is at the funeral of her husband, everyone is going up to say kind words about him, when one man turns around to the wife and says,

“Would you mind if i went up and said a few words?”

She replied, “Of course not, please feel free to.” So the man walks up to the front of the church and says into the microphone, “Plethora.”and sits back down.
Once he gets back to his seat, the wife is in tears and she says, “Thank you so much, that means a lot.”
--That Rubber Thingy--
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.
As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.
As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says,

“If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.”

The old man snaps back,

“Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!”

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