Grandma funnies

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier: Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen w...

Sue phones her husband at work, “Dan, do you have time for a chat?” “Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting.” “But this won’t take long,” Sue says, “I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news.” “I really haven’t the time,” says Dan, “so just quickly tell me the good news.” “Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your brand new Mercedes works very well.” --A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning-- A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning. After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church. “Why aren’t you dressed for church?” “Simple. I’m not going.” “Why not?” “Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going. First of all, the church is cold in the morning. It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me. Everyone is always talking about me behind my back. And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!” “Well, I’ll give you ...

The wife checked her husband’s phone and found these names: ‘The tender one’ ‘The amazing one’ Lady of my dreams, She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother. Then she called the second number to which his sister replied. When she dialed the third number her own phone rang. She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband, so she gave him her whole month’s salary to make up for it. Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend whose name was saved as ‘Uncle Mike the mechanic’ --The Dad Explains Why Condoms Come in Packs of 3, 6 and 12-- The Dad explains why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12 A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?” To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.” “Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively, “I’ve he...

Once upon a time there was a poor but very brave man called Ali. He worked for Ammar, a rich old merchant. One winter’s night Ammar said: “nobody can spend a night like this on top of the mountain without a blanket or food. But you need money, and if you can manage to do that you will receive a great reward If you don’t, you will work for thirty days without pay”. Ali answered: “tomorrow I shall do this test”. But when he left the shop, he saw that a really icy wind was blowing and became scared, so he decided to ask his best friend, Aydi, if it was crazy of him to accept that bet. After reflecting a while, Aydi answered: “I shall help you Tomorrow, when you are at the top of the mountain, look ahead. I will be on the top of the mountain next to yours, where I will spend the whole night with a bonfire lit for you. You look at the fire and think about our friendship – that will keep you warm You will manage, and later on I shall ask you something in...

Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter found a boyfriend. Being a protective father that he is, he starts interrogating her about the mystery guy. “Did he finish college?” he asked. “Yes, Dad. In fact, he was always top of his class,” replied the proud girl. “Well, does he have a decent job?” he asked further. “But of course!” she said. “Given his good fortune, does he give to charity?” asked the curious dad. To which the daughter replied, “He is the most generous person I’ve ever known. In fact, many people think the same.” “That’s great, Emily! I can’t wait to meet this guy,” he said finally. Emily smiled at him and said, “Oh you know him, Dad. He’s the priest at our Church!” --Three 3 blondes walk into a police station-- 3 blondes walk into a police station looking for a job as a detective. They meet with the police chief who says “I’m going to show you a side profile mug shot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him.” He shows the picture...

A rich man, after 50 years of marriage, once looked at his wife and said: – 50 years ago, we had a small house and an old car. We slept on the couch and watched a small black-and-white TV, but every night I went to bed with a beautiful 19-year-old girl. Now I have a huge expensive house, many expensive cars, a huge bed in a luxurious bedroom, and a wide-screen color TV, but I share a bed with a 69-year-old woman. I’m starting to doubt my marriage. His wife suggested: -You can find yourself a 19-year-old girl, and I will make sure that you live again in a small house, sleep on a sagging sofa, and watch black-and-white TV. --Two older guys were sitting on their usual park -- Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog. The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy...

An elderly couple decides to live it up a little and go to McDonald’s… When they order the food, the old man divides the fries in half and splits the burger in two. Some students see this and offer to buy some more food so that they can both eat a whole sandwich. “ No, no, that’s fine,” says the old man, “We share everything.” So the old man starts eating his half-burger and his half-order of fries– but his wife is sitting there, not eating her share of the food. One of the students notices this, and asks why she isn’t touching her food; was something wrong? “Oh no, it’s fine,” replied the old woman. “I’m just waiting for my turn with the dentures.” --An American couple is driving-- An American couple is driving through Canada and stops at a gas station to fuel up. As the man goes into the station to pay, his wife calls out to him, “Ask them where we are!” So the husband walks in, pays, and asks, “By the way, where are we?” To which the attendant answers, “Sa...

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom saying to himself, “How can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we dated, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later.” Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, “How do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out.” The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, puts his arm around her neck moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve a confession to make.” And she says, “So have I, love.” To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.” --Funny Joke ‣ A Man Walks Into A Bar-- A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag...

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. “Don’t you have a girlfriend?” she asked. “Guys like you always have girlfriends.” He looked downcast, “No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago.” “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” she said, “OK then, I’ll have a white wine please.” One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While he was putting his clothes back on she said, “So, you’re good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?” He said, “My wife found out.” --A husband telephones his wife-- “Hello!” “Hey honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?” “No daddy, she’s upstairs jn the bedroom with uncle Jake.” “But you don’t have an uncle Jake, sweetie…” “Uh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with mommy right now.” “Ok honey, I need you to go near the bedr...

After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary. His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi million dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better he prevailed. He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases. On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things. On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mop...

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven.” Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Six.” Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?” Johnny: “Seven!” Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!” Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!” --Funny Joke ‣ Men Being Men-- There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it. The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money...

A priest walked into a hotel in the month of march and asked the manager- “is room no. 39 empty? Manager- yes it’s empty. You can take it Priest: ok Manager: And yes my room right in front of room 39 so if you face any difficulties just call me Priest: ok and pls send a knife, a 3 inches black thread, and a 78g orange to my room At night The manager is unable to sleep because of the screams and sound plates breaking from the priest’s room and wonders what it might be Next morning The next morning the manager went in the priests room to find that he’s already left and everything in that room was as it was before with the knife on the table. After 1 year (again during march) That same priest comes to the same hotel and asks for room 39 again Manager: yes the room’s empty and you can take it Priest: ok, pls send a knife, a 3 inches black thread, and a 78g orange to my room Manager: ok That night the manager didn’t sleep and wanted to know exactly what happened...