Surprise E-Mail

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier:

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I’ve Arrived

Date: August 16th, 2010
I know you’re surprised to hear from me.

They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. It’s hot down here!
--Teacher Johnny--
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven!”

Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”

Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”

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Sue phones her husband at work

Sue phones her husband at work, “Dan, do you have time for a chat?”

“Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting.”

“But this won’t take long,” Sue says, “I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news.”
“I really haven’t the time,” says Dan, “so just quickly tell me the good news.”
“Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your brand new Mercedes works very well.”
--A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning--
A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.
After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.
“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”
“Simple. I’m not going.”

“Why not?”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.

First of all, the church is cold in the morning.

It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.

Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.

And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going.

First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.

Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”

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A Woman Hide Under Bed To Check Her Husband

The wife checked her husband’s phone and found these names:

‘The tender one’

‘The amazing one’

Lady of my dreams,

She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.

Then she called the second number to which his sister replied.

When she dialed the third number her own phone rang.

She cried until her eyes got swollen because she had doubted her innocent husband,

so she gave him her whole month’s salary to make up for it.

Husband took the money and bought a gift for his girlfriend whose name was saved as
‘Uncle Mike the mechanic’
--The Dad Explains Why Condoms Come in Packs of 3, 6 and 12--
The Dad explains why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively, “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool.” says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?”

“Those are for college men,” the dad answers. “Two for Friday, Two for Saturday, and Two for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “Then, who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men,…”

With a tear in his eye, he continued,…

“One for January, one for February, one for March……. ”

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Quality Friendship

Once upon a time there was a poor but very brave man called Ali.

He worked for Ammar, a rich old merchant.

One winter’s night Ammar said:

“nobody can spend a night like this on top of the mountain without a blanket or food.

But you need money, and if you can manage to do that you will receive a great reward

If you don’t, you will work for thirty days without pay”.

Ali answered: “tomorrow I shall do this test”.

But when he left the shop, he saw that a really icy wind was blowing and became scared, so he decided to ask his best friend, Aydi, if it was crazy of him to accept that bet.

After reflecting a while, Aydi answered:

“I shall help you

Tomorrow, when you are at the top of the mountain, look ahead.

I will be on the top of the mountain next to yours, where I will spend the whole night with a bonfire lit for you.

You look at the fire and think about our friendship – that will keep you warm

You will manage, and later on I shall ask you something in return.”

Ali won the test, got the money, and went to his friend’s house:

“You told me you wanted some payment.”

Aydi answered: “Yes, but it isn’t money
Promise that if at any time a cold wind passes through my life, you will light the fire of friendship for me.”
--A blonde had just gotten a new sports car--
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.
He motioned for her to pull over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.

He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh, you think that’s funny? Watch this.”

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.

He is getting really mad.

He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she’s laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it.

He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

“What’s so funny?”
The truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, “When you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times.”

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Daughter found a boyfriend

Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter found a boyfriend.

Being a protective father that he is, he starts interrogating her about the mystery guy.

“Did he finish college?” he asked.

“Yes, Dad. In fact, he was always top of his class,” replied the proud girl.

“Well, does he have a decent job?” he asked further.

“But of course!” she said.

“Given his good fortune, does he give to charity?” asked the curious dad.

To which the daughter replied, “He is the most generous person I’ve ever known. In fact, many people think the same.”

“That’s great, Emily! I can’t wait to meet this guy,” he said finally.
Emily smiled at him and said, “Oh you know him, Dad. He’s the priest at our Church!”
--Three 3 blondes walk into a police station--
3 blondes walk into a police station looking for a job as a detective.
They meet with the police chief who says “I’m going to show you a side profile mug shot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him.”

He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says

“He’s only got one eye”. The police chief responds,

“No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one eye.”

He shows the picture to the second blonde and she says “He’s only got one ear”. The police chief again responds, “No, this is a profile mug shot, so you will only see one ear.”

He shows the picture to the last blonde and she says “He wears contact lenses.”

Perplexed, the police chief looks through the file and sure enough, the man wore contact lenses. He says “That’s oddly correct. How did you know that?”

The blonde responds, “Well with one eye and one ear, he can’t be wearing glasses.”

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I’m starting to doubt my marriage

A rich man, after 50 years of marriage, once looked at his wife and said:

– 50 years ago, we had a small house and an old car.

We slept on the couch and watched a small black-and-white TV, but every night I went to bed with a beautiful 19-year-old girl.

Now I have a huge expensive house, many expensive cars, a huge bed in a luxurious bedroom, and a wide-screen color TV,

but I share a bed with a 69-year-old woman. I’m starting to doubt my marriage.

His wife suggested:

-You can find yourself a 19-year-old girl,
and I will make sure that you live again in a small house, sleep on a sagging sofa, and watch black-and-white TV.
--Two older guys were sitting on their usual park --
Two older guys were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog.
The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”

So, on the way home, the 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the cashier asked if he needed any help.

He said, “Do you have any Rye bread?”

She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?” “I want 5 loaves.” he answered.

She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves!

By the time you get to the third loaf, it’ll be hard.” Shocked, he replies “I can’t believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me!”

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An elderly couple decides to live

An elderly couple decides to live it up a little and go to McDonald’s…

When they order the food, the old man divides the fries in half and splits the burger in two.

Some students see this and offer to buy some more food so that they can both eat a whole sandwich. “

No, no, that’s fine,” says the old man, “We share everything.”

So the old man starts eating his half-burger and his half-order of fries– but his wife is sitting there, not eating her share of the food.

One of the students notices this, and asks why she isn’t touching her food;

was something wrong? “Oh no, it’s fine,” replied the old woman.
“I’m just waiting for my turn with the dentures.”
--An American couple is driving--
An American couple is driving through Canada and stops at a gas station to fuel up.
As the man goes into the station to pay, his wife calls out to him,

“Ask them where we are!” So the husband walks in, pays, and asks, “By the way, where are we?”

To which the attendant answers, “Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.”

The man goes back to his car and the wife asks, “Where are we?”

“He doesn’t speak English” replies the husband

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A young couple were on their honeymoon

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom saying to himself, “How can I tell my wife that I’ve got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I’ve managed to keep it from her while we dated, but she’s bound to find out sooner or later.”

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, “How do I tell my husband that I’ve got really bad breath? I’ve been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he’s lived with me for a week, he’s bound to find out.”

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, puts his arm around her neck

moves his face very close to hers and says, “Darling, I’ve a confession to make.”

And she says, “So have I, love.”
To which he replies, “Don’t tell me, you’ve eaten my socks.”
--Funny Joke ‣ A Man Walks Into A Bar--
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about One foot high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! ‘Where on earth did you get that?’ says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says…

‘Here. Rub it.’

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him…….

‘I will grant you one wish. Just! One wish~~ each person is only allowed one!’

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says…….

‘I want a million bucks!’

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.

It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks

And they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says……

‘Y’know, I think Your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks,

Not a million du c ks.’

‘Tell me about it!!’ says the man, ‘do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pia n ist?

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A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink.

“Don’t you have a girlfriend?” she asked.

“Guys like you always have girlfriends.” He looked downcast, “No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” she said,
“OK then, I’ll have a white wine please.”

One glass of wine led to a second.

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and

made passionate love. While he was putting his clothes back on she said,

“So, you’re good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?”
He said, “My wife found out.”
--A husband telephones his wife--
“Hello!”
“Hey honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?”

“No daddy, she’s upstairs jn the bedroom with uncle Jake.”

“But you don’t have an uncle Jake, sweetie…”

“Uh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with mommy right now.”

“Ok honey, I need you to go near the bedroom and shout ‘Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway’ and then come back and call me.”

A few minutes later, the daughter calls back.

“I did it, daddy.”
“Well, what happened?”
“Mommy got scared, started running around, tripped and hit her head, and now she isn’t moving.” “Oh my god. And what about uncle Jake?

“He too got scared, jumped out of the window into the swimming pool, but he forgot you took out the water last week and now he isn’t moving as well.”

“Wait a minute, my house doesn’t have a swimming pool. Wait, is this 351-7381?”

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Including The Curtain Rods

After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith’s multi million dollar home and since the man’s lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.

She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.

On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.

On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly the house began to smell.
They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house. The Maid quit. Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.
Including The Curtain Rods…

--A woman is at the funeral of her husband--
A woman is at the funeral of her husband, everyone is going up to say kind words about him, when one man turns around to the wife and says,

“Would you mind if i went up and said a few words?”

She replied, “Of course not, please feel free to.”

So the man walks up to the front of the church and says into the microphone, “Plethora.”and sits back down.

Once he gets back to his seat, the wife is in tears and she says, “Thank you so much, that means a lot.”

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Teacher & Johnny

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Six.”

Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”

Johnny: “Seven!”

Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”
--Funny Joke ‣ Men Being Men--
There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry.
So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.
The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money.

She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man.

She said, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.”

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest.

She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money.

Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

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A priest walked into a hotel

A priest walked into a hotel in the month of march and asked the manager- “is room no. 39 empty?

Manager- yes it’s empty. You can take it
Priest: ok

Manager: And yes my room right in front of room 39 so if you face any difficulties just call me

Priest: ok and pls send a knife, a 3 inches black thread, and a 78g orange to my room

At night
The manager is unable to sleep because of the screams and sound plates breaking from the priest’s room and wonders what it might be
Next morning
The next morning the manager went in the priests room to find that he’s already left and everything in that room was as it was before with the knife on the table.

After 1 year (again during march)

That same priest comes to the same hotel and asks for room 39 again

Manager: yes the room’s empty and you can take it

Priest: ok, pls send a knife, a 3 inches black thread, and a 78g orange to my room

Manager: ok

That night the manager didn’t sleep and wanted to know exactly what happened that day a year prior

Suddenly sounds of screaming and plates breaking started again and the manager went near the room. But the door was locked and even the master key didn’t worked on that room. His head was pounding because of the sounds and at last while waiting for the door to open he slept outside the room.

Next morning
When the manager woke up, he saw that the door was open but the priest was not there. He rushed towards the main gate but the gatekeeper told that the priest left just a few minutes ago. He asked the waiter and the waiter told that before leaving he gave all the waiters of the hotel a very generous tip.

The manager was annoyed and he was determined to find out the truth the following year.
Next year during march

The same priest came again and asked for room 39 Manager: yes you can get the room

Priest: send a knife, a 3 inches black thread, and a 78g orange to my room

At night
This time the manager didn’t sleep at all and listened to the sounds coming from the room the whole night. In the morning the priest opened the room and the manager went inside and said
Manager: What are you doing with these things at night? From where does the sound comes? Tell me quickly

Priest: I will tell you the truth but you must not tell anyone.

The manager agreed
Because the manager was a loyal man he never told amyone what was going on inside the room and it remains a secret to this day.
--Ray Is Sitting At The Bar--
Redneck Ray Is Sitting At The Bar
Suddenly a big burly man walks in and slaps Ray so hard that he falls off the stool. “That was a karate chop from Korea,” says the big man proudly.

Ray sighs, gets up and brushes the dust off his clothes, sits down on the stool and

continues to drink his beer.

Suddenly he gets hit so hard that he flies into the wall.

“That was a kung-fu chop from China,” chuckles the big man.

Ray had had enough. He gets up, brushes off the dust and calmly leaves the pub.

After about an hour he returns

walks up behind the big guy who is now sitting at the bar, and whacks him so hard behind his ear that he blacks out.

Ray looks at the bartender and says:

“When he gets to, why don’t you tell him that was a shovel from the hardware store in Houston.”

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