Grandma funnies

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party…

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy
He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.

He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company

He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.”

The second guy said, “Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my; pride and joy

He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot.

Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”

The third man said: “Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer

Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire…

He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: What are all the congratulations for?”

One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons…

What about your son?”

The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”
The three friends said: “What a shame… What a disappointment.”

The fourth man replied: “No, I'm not ashamed
He's my son and I love him.

And he hasn't done too bad either

His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.”
-- Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school --
He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town.
He really wanted to impress everyone
He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk to his office
He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone
He motioned the man in, all the while saying,

“No
Absolutely not

You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than $1 million

Yes. The appeals court has agreed to hear that case next week

I'll be handling the primary argument, and the other members of my team will provide support.

Okay Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.”

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes

All the while, the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions

Finally, Joe put down the phone

Being a Man

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry.

So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money.

She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man.

She said, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.” The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest.

She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money.
Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest melons.
--Funny Joke ‣ So What Happened--
A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have s e x with you, but I will make it very fast. I’ll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend said, “Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won’t even have enough time to undress himself.”

She agrees.
After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, “So what happened?”

She responds, “The bastard used coins, so I’m still picking it up and he is still having s e x with me!”

A woman is at the funeral

A woman is at the funeral of her husband, everyone is going up to say kind words about him, when one man turns around to the wife and says,

“Would you mind if i went up and said a few words?”

She replied, “Of course not, please feel free to.” So the man walks up to the front of the church and says into the microphone, “Plethora.”and sits back down.
Once he gets back to his seat, the wife is in tears and she says, “Thank you so much, that means a lot.”
--That Rubber Thingy--
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.
As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.
As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says,

“If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.”

The old man snaps back,

“Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!”

A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning

A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.

After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.

“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”

“Simple. I’m not going.”

“Why not?”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.

First of all, the church is cold in the morning.

It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.

Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.

And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”

“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going.
First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.
Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”
--Jesus Moses and an old man go golfing--
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses.
He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.

Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.

Jesus closes his eyes and prays.

The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the h*le.

The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball.

The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water.

A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.

As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.

As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the h*le, making a h*le in one.

Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!”

Funny Joke ‣ Way Of Thinking

June 20, 2023

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question,

“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”

“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”

“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”

Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop,one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married? ” “Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
--Wife had delivered twins--
The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war.
The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins.
He got to a phone and called her right away.

“Oh honey, I’m so happy,” he said

“Who took you to the hospital?”

“Your brother, Joe, drove me, and since I had to be anesthetized he named the twins.”

The husband was horrified

“But, but, Joe is an idiot! Oh no! What did he name them?”

The wife answered, “We have a girl and a boy

Joe named the girl De-niece.”

The husband interrupted, “Well, that’s not so bad

What did he name the boy?”

“Joe named the boy De-nephew.”

Blonde Walking Her Dogs

June 20, 2023

A blonde was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says

“oh my, you have such beautiful dogs.. what are their names?”

The blonde replies
“Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex.”

The man responds

“Huh.. that’s interesting.. why did you name them such names?”

The blonde sighs and shakes her head.
“Everyone keeps asking me the same thing…
duhh, what else can you name your watch dogs??”
--Story ‣ The Hospital Window--
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs.
His bed was next to the room’s only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end.

They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.

Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats.

Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by.
Although the other man couldn’t hear the band – he could see it. In his mind’s eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days and weeks passed.
One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window who had died peacefully in his sleep.

She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window.

The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside.

He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed.

It faced a blank wall. The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall.

She said, “Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.”

The couple was 85 years old

June 19, 2023

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This IS Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fucking bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
--The Englishman's wife--
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."

a male employee walks up

June 19, 2023

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.

He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can’t stand it anymore.

She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a s**ual harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
“It’s Roger. The midget.”
-- A man left work one Friday afternoon--
Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Funny joke ‣ Signature: Your ex-husband

June 18, 2023

This is a letter from a man to his wife.
Dear wife,
I am writing this letter to tell you that I am leaving you forever. I’ve been a good person to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These are the last 2 weeks it was hell.

Your boss called me and said you quit today and that was the last straw. Advertisement Last week, you came home with a new haircut, cooked your favorite meal, and didn’t even notice that you were wearing a brand new pair of silk boxers. 2 minutes later you ate and watched all your soaps and went straight to sleep. You won’t tell me you love me anymore; You don’t want Sex or anything that binds us together as husband and wife.

Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; anyway i’m off… Your ex-husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your sister and I are moving to West Virginia! Have a good life!
--A flight is on its way to Sydney--
A flight is on its way to Sydney, Australia when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful,

I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”

The flight attendant goes into the c*ckpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.

The pilot says, “You say she is a blonde? I’ll handle this , I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
I told her, “First class isn’t going to Sydney.”

A Old Woman Walks Into A Tattoo Shop

An old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks directly at the artist and says “I want to get a tattoo”.

The artist hesitantly replies “Well, ok where would you like this tattoo?”

Old lady: “actually I want two, one on the inside of my left thigh and one and the inside of my right thigh”

Artist: “you know how much this will hurt? Are you really sure you want them there?”

Old lady barks at him: “of course I know that’s where I want them! I don’t care how much it will hurt!”

Artist: “okay, whatever you want then. Let’s take a look at art the art book to see if there is something you want.”

Old lady: “I already know what I want. I want a Christmas tree on my left thigh and a turkey on my right thigh”

Artist: “uhhhh ok, I will do that, but could you answer me as to why you would want such a thing?”
Old lady: “Because in sick of my husband complaining there is nothing to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving!”
--The Russian couple make love--
The Russian couple make love life was terrible, so they were quite excited when Moscow’s first make love store opened up across the street.
“Olga, why don’t you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray I’ve read about?” said Ivan.
She agreed.
An hour later, she returned, all excited.

“You should see all the flavors they have,” she told her husband.

“Strawberry, cherry, banana…”

“What kind did you get?” he interrupted.

“Tuna,” she replied.

A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s home

A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s home for the first time.

He’s looking for a drinking glass when he notices a row of cups in the cabinet, each of them inscribed with what seems like half words.

He picks one of them down just as girlfriend’s mom walks in, and he asks her what the cups are for.

“Oh those. They’re family cups, one for each member, but my eyesight has gotten so bad I can no longer tell which is which, so I wrote on them to help myself.”

She pulls one cup down that says “HIC-” holding it out to the man “This is for little Thomas, it holds just enough water to help cure his hiccups, so I wrote HIC on it, it’s the HIC-cup!” She then pulls down another cup “This is for Angela, but it says BREA.

whenever she’s heartbroken she likes to drink hot toddy so this is her BREA-Cup.”
“Ahh, okay I see it now.” Says the boy “But doesn’t your husband have his own cup?”
“Oh he does” The mom replies “It’s the large one that says ‘SHUTTHEFU’ on it…”
--Can you lend 70 euros!--
An Irish couple are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll try being a hpoker:
She’s not quite sure what to do, so the husband says.
“Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred euros. Any questions and I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg when a guy pulls up and asks.

“How much?”
She says. “A hundred euros.”
He replies. “All I got is thirty.”
She says. “Hold on.”
She runs back to the husband and asks.
“What now. What can he get for thirty?”
“A hand job” The husband replied.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty euros is a handjob.
He agrees and she gets in the car.
He unzips his trousers and out pops this HUGE willy.

She stares at it for a few seconds, then says…

“I’ll be right back.”

She runs back to the husband.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“Any chance you could lend this guy seventy euros?”

Girls Day

April was explaining to her husband how much fun they’d had at the beach during her “girls day” outing.

“But,” she told him, “It didn’t end all that great for me.”

“Why, what happened?” he asked.

“I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn’t go out far because the waves were very bad.

Then I suddenly noticed that all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my bikini to be stripped off.

I looked and looked for it but it was gone, gone, gone!”

“For goodness sakes, sweetie, what did you do?”

“Do? Why I did what any respectable female would do,…
… I covered my face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could.”
--Here I Was! Sitting At The Bar--
There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink!
A large trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
He says, menacingly, as I burst into tears: “Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?”.

I yelled at him: “Come on, man,”.

Then, he said to me: “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying.”.

I replied back to him: “This is the worst day of my life, I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me.”.

I continued: “So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I order a drink

I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?”.

Daughter found a boyfriend

Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter found a boyfriend.

Being a protective father that he is, he starts interrogating her about the mystery guy.

“Did he finish college?” he asked.

“Yes, Dad. In fact, he was always top of his class,” replied the proud girl.

“Well, does he have a decent job?” he asked further.

“But of course!” she said.

“Given his good fortune, does he give to charity?” asked the curious dad.

To which the daughter replied, “He is the most generous person I’ve ever known. In fact, many people think the same.”
“That’s great, Emily! I can’t wait to meet this guy,” he said finally.
Emily smiled at him and said, “Oh you know him, Dad. He’s the priest at our Church!”
--Funny Joke ‣ The Amazing Pig With A Peg Leg--
Two farmers, John and Henry, were sitting around talking about their day when John notices a pig with a wooden leg hobbling across the front yard. He turned to his friend and asks, “Henry, why does that pig have a wooden leg?”
“Well, John, that pig…,” his eyes mist up, “That pig’s mighty special! A few weeks back a wild boar attacked me while I was in the woods. That pig there came a runnin’, went after that boar and fought him off. Saved my life!”
“And the boar tore up his leg?”
“No, just got a few scratches, nothing too serious. But that night the barn caught fire. That ol’ pig started squealin’ like he was stuck, woke us up, and before we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved them all!”

“Ahh so that’s when he hurt his leg?”
“No, John, the next day my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond. I got knocked clean out. When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out…but that’s not how he hurt his leg.” “Oh no, no, he was fine. Cleaned him up real nice, too.”

“Okay, Henry. So just tell me. How did he lose his leg?”

“Well”, Henry begins to explain, “A pig that amazing…you don’t want to eat all at once.”

That Rubber Thingy

June 12, 2023

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says,

“If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.”

The old man snaps back, “Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!”
--Keyboard Shortcuts--
A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.

Agent: “Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands.

For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command.”

Caller: “Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?”

Agent: “Well, you just press Control-A.”

Caller (after a pause): “Well, that’s not working for me.”

Agent: “Do you have a text document open in front of you?”

Caller: “Yes, I sure do.”

Agent: “OK, now press Control-A.”

Caller: “I am, but nothing happens.”

Agent: “The text isn’t highlighted?”

Caller: “No, there’s no change at all.”

Agent: “That’s odd. If you press Control-A the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A.

Tell me exactly what’s happening.”

Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): “Listen. I’m pressing Control, eh? And nothing’s happening, eh?”

Jill and John got married

June 10, 2023

Jill and John got married.
John thought this would be a “marriage of the 90’s” equal roles for equal partners.

So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed.

Jill wasn’t impressed with his culinary skills, however.

She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, “Poached? I wanted scrambled!”

Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg.

Jill wasn’t having any of it.

“Do you think I don’t like variety? I wanted poached this morning!”

Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, “third time’s a charm” and brought her two eggs one scrambled and one poached.”Here, my love, enjoy!”

Jill looks at the plate and says, “You scrambled the wrong egg.”
--Dolly wanted a new living room--
Dolly wanted a new living room set but her husband kept saying. “No.” Every day she
would ask him to please let her have the set.
Every day he would say. “No.”

One day he decided to end this discussion once and for all.

When Dolly asked, he looked at her and said.

“You can have that living room set you have been wanting, but only on one condition.”

Dolly was so excited!

“Anything you want, honey!”

“Well.” He began.

“When you grow hair on your chest, I’ll buy you that living room.”

“Grow hair on my chest?”

Dolly was devastated.

“How am I going to do that?”

Her husband just smiled and went off to work.

Arriving home that night, he found Dolly waiting for him.

Her eyes sparkled and the smile she wore was almost as big as the day they wed.

“Honey.” She trilled. “I ordered my living room set this afternoon!”

“You did?” Her husband stammered.

“You have hair on your chest now? I mean real hair, not a toupee, or some animal hair pasted on!”

“I sure do!” She replied.

“No way! Let me see it.” Replied her husband.

“OK!” She said as she lifted up her skirt.

“There it is!” She pointed to her privates.

“HONEY! That is not your chest!”

“Oh, yes it is! Before we were married it was your ‘hope’ chest. Since we’ve been married it’s been your ‘tool’ chest. And if I don’t get my living room set, it’s going to be the ‘community’ chest!”

A couple were celebrating 50 years

June 09, 2023

A couple were celebrating 50 years together.
Their three kids, all grown and very successful, agreed to attend a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number One. “Sorry I’m running late.

I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father.

“The important thing is that we’re all together today.”

Son number two arrived and announced, “You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you.”

“It’s nothing,” said the father.

“We’re glad you were able to come.”

Just then the daughter arrived.

“Hello and happy Anniversary! I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”

After they had finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.

You see, we were very poor, but despite this, we were able to save and send each of you to college.

Also, we want to tell you that throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”

The three children gasped and the daughter said, “You mean we’re bastards?!?”
--Tom and Timothy were in the same regiment--
Tom and Timothy were in the same regiment in the army. They were inseparable
and spent their evenings drinking together. After retirement, they went to different

states and settled. However, they kept correspondence through letters and e-mails. To
keep the memory of their boozing bouts alive, Tom always filled two glasses with rum

and water and sipped from each alternately! When somebody asked him why he did so, he explained: “This glass is Timothy’s; this one is mine. So I take a sip from each – one on behalf of Timothy, the other for myself.” Suddenly one evening Tom was seen
with only one glass on his table. He was asked what had happened. He replied, “You
see, I have given up drinking but Timothy has written that he has not. So I have put
away my glass and drink only on behalf of my friend.”

They get back together to discuss

Years later, they get back together to discuss the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother for her 90th Birthday.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”

The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat.

You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can’t see very well.

I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible.

It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him.

I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it.

Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

“Milton,” she wrote the first son,“The house you built is so huge.

I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Marvin,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel.

I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”

“Dearest Melvin,” she wrote to her third son, “You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes that chicken was delicious.”
-- Unfaithfulness!--
A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said;
“Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
Beth replied, “Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason.”

Charles was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”

Beth said, “The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage.

Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?, well I did what I had to do”

Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Beth answered, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?

Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge, well I did what I had to do.”

“I recall that,” says Chuck. “And you did it to save my life so of course I can forgive you for that.

Now tell me about the third time.”
“All right,” Beth said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of the golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

Before You Leave!

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.

She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.”

Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.

She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.

Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.

Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked,
“Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
“And so, here we are!”
-- Share! Share! --
A couple whose marriage was on the rocks sought the advice of their pastor.
The pastor encouraged them to patch up their quarrel and keep their vows, but the couple was adamant.
“Well,” said the pastor, “you know the consequences if you insist on a divorce.

Remember this: you must divide your property equally.”

The wife flared up

“You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?”

“Yes,” said the pastor

“He gets $2,000

You get $2,000.”

“What about my furniture? I paid for that.”

“Same thing,” answered the pastor

“You split it equally.”

There was a challenging gleam in the wife’s eye

“What about our three children?”

The pastor was stumped at first but then quickly came up with a Solomonic solution.

“Go back and live together until your fourth child is born.

Then you take two children and your husband takes two.”

The wife shook her head.

“No, I’m sure that wouldn’t work out

If I depended on him, I wouldn’t have the three I’ve got.”

A man frantically calls the hotel

A man frantically calls the hotel desk from his room on the 11th floor.

“Please come quick I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’s going to jump out the hotel window.”

The hotel manager replies, “Sir I’m afraid that’s a domestic matter and the hotel and it’s staff are obligated to not interfere.”
The husband responds, “Like hell it’s a domestic matter! This damn window won’t open, and that sir is a hotel maintenance problem.”
--A chicken farmer went to local bar --
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says,
“How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! “

“What a coincidence,” he said,
“This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me, too, and I’m also celebrating!” says the woman.
“What a coincidence,” says the man.
As they clinked glasses he asked,

“What are you celebrating?”

“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!”
“What a coincidence,” says the man.

“I’m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally laying fertilized eggs.”
“That’s great!” says the woman,

“How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I switched cocks,” he replied.

She smiled and said, “What a coincidence!”

The priest promises to light a candle for her

A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” he says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband Robert and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the great cathedral.”

Mary thanks him, and after chatting a little longer, they part ways.

Five years later, the priest is eating dinner when there’s a knock at his door. He opens it, and to his surprise, it’s Mary’s husband, Robert.

“I’m so glad I found you!” he exclaims. “Remember that candle you lit for Mary, years ago? Well, Mary and I now have two sets of twins and a set of triplets — and I just found-out she’s pregnant with quadruplets!”

Robert then hands the priest an all-expenses paid ticket to Rome.
“Oh my, Robert!” says the priest. “Your joy is my joy. You didn’t need to give me a thankyou gift.”

“Oh no, it’s not a thankyou,” says Robert,…
“It’s so you can blow out that damn candle.”
--A old man meets a beautiful girl--
A 70-year-old man has never been married.
One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight.

They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.
When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?”

“Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man.

“The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -”

His friend interrupts him.

“A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?”

“Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday.”

Jesus & Moses and an old man go golfing

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses.

He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.
Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.

Jesus closes his eyes and prays.

The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the h*le.

The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball.

The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water.

A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.

As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.

As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the h*le, making a h*le in one.

Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!”
--Four Little Animals--
A teacher asked her class, “What do you want out of life?”
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, “All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says”.

The teacher asked, “Really and what four little animals would that be?”

The little girl said, “A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it.”

The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room.

Wife had delivered twins

The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war.
The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins.

He got to a phone and called her right away. “Oh honey, I’m so happy,” he said

“Who took you to the hospital?”

“Your brother, Joe, drove me, and since I had to be anesthetized he named the twins.”

The husband was horrified
“But, but, Joe is an idiot! Oh no! What did he name them?”

The wife answered, “We have a girl and a boy

Joe named the girl De-niece.”

The husband interrupted, “Well, that’s not so bad
What did he name the boy?”
“Joe named the boy De-nephew.”
--A beautiful redhead--
A beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place.

“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together.

Afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks at a bar

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.

He says yes and they return to her place.

He ends up staying the night.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is He can’t believe his luck
“You know,” he said, “You are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies,

“You just happened to catch my eye.”

A elderly husband and wife noticed