Grandma funnies

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party… After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.” The second guy said, “Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my; pride and joy He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.” The third man said: “Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best univers...

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it. The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.” The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, “I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much.” The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.” The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money. Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the bigg...

A woman is at the funeral of her husband, everyone is going up to say kind words about him, when one man turns around to the wife and says, “Would you mind if i went up and said a few words?” She replied, “Of course not, please feel free to.” So the man walks up to the front of the church and says into the microphone, “Plethora.”and sits back down. Once he gets back to his seat, the wife is in tears and she says, “Thank you so much, that means a lot.” --That Rubber Thingy-- An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down. As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, “If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.” The old man snaps back, “Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!”

A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning. After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church. “Why aren’t you dressed for church?” “Simple. I’m not going.” “Why not?” “Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going. First of all, the church is cold in the morning. It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me. Everyone is always talking about me behind my back. And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!” “Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going. First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm. Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.” --Jesus Moses and an old man go golfing-- Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts,...

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?” “None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.” “Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.” Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop,one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married? ” “Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.” “No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.” --Wife had delivered twins-- The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war. The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins. He got to a phone and called her right away...

A blonde was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says “oh my, you have such beautiful dogs.. what are their names?” The blonde replies “Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex.” The man responds “Huh.. that’s interesting.. why did you name them such names?” The blonde sighs and shakes her head. “Everyone keeps asking me the same thing… duhh, what else can you name your watch dogs??” --Story ‣ The Hospital Window-- Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room’s only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the win...

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the...

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, the woman can’t stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a s**ual harassment grievance against the guy. The supervisor is puzzled and asks, “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?” “It’s Roger. The midget.” -- A man left work one Friday afternoon-- Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That ...

This is a letter from a man to his wife. Dear wife, I am writing this letter to tell you that I am leaving you forever. I’ve been a good person to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These are the last 2 weeks it was hell. Your boss called me and said you quit today and that was the last straw. Advertisement Last week, you came home with a new haircut, cooked your favorite meal, and didn’t even notice that you were wearing a brand new pair of silk boxers. 2 minutes later you ate and watched all your soaps and went straight to sleep. You won’t tell me you love me anymore; You don’t want Sex or anything that binds us together as husband and wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; anyway i’m off… Your ex-husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your sister and I are moving to West Virginia! Have a good life! --A flight is on its way to Sydney-- A flight is on its way to Sydney, Australia when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the fir...

An old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks directly at the artist and says “I want to get a tattoo”. The artist hesitantly replies “Well, ok where would you like this tattoo?” Old lady: “actually I want two, one on the inside of my left thigh and one and the inside of my right thigh” Artist: “you know how much this will hurt? Are you really sure you want them there?” Old lady barks at him: “of course I know that’s where I want them! I don’t care how much it will hurt!” Artist: “okay, whatever you want then. Let’s take a look at art the art book to see if there is something you want.” Old lady: “I already know what I want. I want a Christmas tree on my left thigh and a turkey on my right thigh” Artist: “uhhhh ok, I will do that, but could you answer me as to why you would want such a thing?” Old lady: “Because in sick of my husband complaining there is nothing to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving!” --The Russian couple make love-- The Russian co...

A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s home for the first time. He’s looking for a drinking glass when he notices a row of cups in the cabinet, each of them inscribed with what seems like half words. He picks one of them down just as girlfriend’s mom walks in, and he asks her what the cups are for. “Oh those. They’re family cups, one for each member, but my eyesight has gotten so bad I can no longer tell which is which, so I wrote on them to help myself.” She pulls one cup down that says “HIC-” holding it out to the man “This is for little Thomas, it holds just enough water to help cure his hiccups, so I wrote HIC on it, it’s the HIC-cup!” She then pulls down another cup “This is for Angela, but it says BREA. whenever she’s heartbroken she likes to drink hot toddy so this is her BREA-Cup.” “Ahh, okay I see it now.” Says the boy “But doesn’t your husband have his own cup?” “Oh he does” The mom replies “It’s the large one that says ‘SHUTTHEFU’ on it…” --Can you lend 70 euros!-- ...

April was explaining to her husband how much fun they’d had at the beach during her “girls day” outing. “But,” she told him, “It didn’t end all that great for me.” “Why, what happened?” he asked. “I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn’t go out far because the waves were very bad. Then I suddenly noticed that all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my bikini to be stripped off. I looked and looked for it but it was gone, gone, gone!” “For goodness sakes, sweetie, what did you do?” “Do? Why I did what any respectable female would do,… … I covered my face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could.” --Here I Was! Sitting At The Bar-- There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink! A large trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. He says, menacingly, as I burst into tears: “Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?”. I yelled at him: “Come on, man,”. Then, h...

Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter found a boyfriend. Being a protective father that he is, he starts interrogating her about the mystery guy. “Did he finish college?” he asked. “Yes, Dad. In fact, he was always top of his class,” replied the proud girl. “Well, does he have a decent job?” he asked further. “But of course!” she said. “Given his good fortune, does he give to charity?” asked the curious dad. To which the daughter replied, “He is the most generous person I’ve ever known. In fact, many people think the same.” “That’s great, Emily! I can’t wait to meet this guy,” he said finally. Emily smiled at him and said, “Oh you know him, Dad. He’s the priest at our Church!” --Funny Joke ‣ The Amazing Pig With A Peg Leg-- Two farmers, John and Henry, were sitting around talking about their day when John notices a pig with a wooden leg hobbling across the front yard. He turned to his friend and asks, “Henry, why does that pig have a wooden leg?” “Well, John, that pig…,”...

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down. As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, “If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.” The old man snaps back, “Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!” --Keyboard Shortcuts-- A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus. Agent: “Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command.” Caller: “Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?” Agent: “Well, you just press Control-A.” Caller (after a pause): “Well, that’s not working for me.” Agent: “Do you have a text document open in front of you?” Caller: “Yes, I sur...

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a “marriage of the 90’s” equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn’t impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, “Poached? I wanted scrambled!” Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn’t having any of it. “Do you think I don’t like variety? I wanted poached this morning!” Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, “third time’s a charm” and brought her two eggs one scrambled and one poached.”Here, my love, enjoy!” Jill looks at the plate and says, “You scrambled the wrong egg.” --Dolly wanted a new living room-- Dolly wanted a new living room set but her husband kept saying. “No.” Every day she would ask him to please let her have the set. Every day he would say. “No.” One day he decided to end this discussion once and fo...

A couple were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all grown and very successful, agreed to attend a Sunday dinner in their honor. “Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number One. “Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.” “Not to worry,” said the father. “The important thing is that we’re all together today.” Son number two arrived and announced, “You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you.” “It’s nothing,” said the father. “We’re glad you were able to come.” Just then the daughter arrived. “Hello and happy Anniversary! I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.” After they had finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, w...

Years later, they get back together to discuss the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother for her 90th Birthday. The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can’t see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.” Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote the first son,“The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.” “Marvin,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!” “Dearest Melvi...

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: “Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.” Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?” “And so, here we are!” -- Share! Share! -- A couple whose marriage was on the...

A man frantically calls the hotel desk from his room on the 11th floor. “Please come quick I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’s going to jump out the hotel window.” The hotel manager replies, “Sir I’m afraid that’s a domestic matter and the hotel and it’s staff are obligated to not interfere.” The husband responds, “Like hell it’s a domestic matter! This damn window won’t open, and that sir is a hotel maintenance problem.” --A chicken farmer went to local bar -- A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! “ “What a coincidence,” he said, “This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.” “This is a special day for me, too, and I’m also celebrating!” says the woman. “What a coincidence,” says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, “What are you celebrating?” “My husband and I have been trying to have a chi...

A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend. “My goodness, Mary!” he says. “How have you been?” “Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband Robert and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.” “I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the great cathedral.” Mary thanks him, and after chatting a little longer, they part ways. Five years later, the priest is eating dinner when there’s a knock at his door. He opens it, and to his surprise, it’s Mary’s husband, Robert. “I’m so glad I found you!” he exclaims. “Remember that candle you lit for Mary, years ago? Well, Mary and I now have two sets of twins and a set of triplets — and I just found-out she’s pregnant with quadruplets!” Robert then hands the priest an all-expenses paid ticket to Rome. “Oh my, Robert!” says the priest. “Your joy is my joy. You didn’t need to giv...

Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the h*le. The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the h*le, making a h*le in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!” --Four Little Animals-- A teacher asked her ...

The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war. The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins. He got to a phone and called her right away. “Oh honey, I’m so happy,” he said “Who took you to the hospital?” “Your brother, Joe, drove me, and since I had to be anesthetized he named the twins.” The husband was horrified “But, but, Joe is an idiot! Oh no! What did he name them?” The wife answered, “We have a girl and a boy Joe named the girl De-niece.” The husband interrupted, “Well, that’s not so bad What did he name the boy?” “Joe named the boy De-nephew.” --A beautiful redhead-- A beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her...

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their physician get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice. When they got home, the wife said, “Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?” “Nonsense,” said the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream!” “Well,” said the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries on it you better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.” “Don’t be silly,” replied the husband. “A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!” “O...

George decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, George and his new wife was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks, “Honey, I’ve been thinking, now that we’re married I think it’s time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your clubs and golf cart.” George gets this horrified look on his face. She says, “Darling, what’s wrong”? George says, “There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.” “Ex wife” she screams! “I didn’t know you were married before!!!” George retorts, “I wasn’t.” -- A chicken farmer went to local bar-- A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! “ “What a coincidence,” he said, “This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.” “This is a special day for me, too, and I’m ...

On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: “Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!” The voice from the other side responded: “You fool, you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?” “No,” replied the trainee. “It’s the Managing Director of the company, idiot!” The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who YOU are talking to, you idiot?” “No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly. “Thank god for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone. --Funny Joke ‣ Little Johnny and his Etiquette-- During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students… “Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom. Michael?” Michael: “Just a minute, I have to go pee.” Teacher: “That would be rude and impolite! What about you Peter? How would you say it?” Peter: “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroo...

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late. “When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she’s ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn’t care what time I came home”. One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she’s ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he’s home so late. “Hey, why aren’t you sleeping” he asks? “I was was, but I came in to tell you that we’ve got to sleep on the couch tonight, ’cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom” --As he walked up to old lady’s car-- As he walked up to ...

Don Carlos is 90 years old and lives in an old age retirement nursing home. Every night after dinner, he secludes himself at the far-end of the garden. One night, Juanita, 80 years old, approaches him. They start chatting about life and old age, and after a while, he says to her, “You know what I miss most of all ?” *What ?” asks Juanita. “SEX !!!” says Don Carlos. Juanita laughed and exclaimed, “You horny old man, but you couldn’t get it up even if they pointed a gun at your head!” “I know*, he said, “but I would love for a woman to hold it for me, if only for a while.’ “Well, I can help you with that,” said Juanita; and she unzips his zipper, gently takes out his little member and holds it in her hand. Don Carlos’ face was one of sheer pleasure ! They agree to meet secretly in the garden every night, where they would sit and chat, and Juanita would hold his member during that time. One night, however, Don Carlos did not appear at their garden hideout at the agree...

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,” was the reply. “I’m actually 47,” the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, “Oh, you look about 29.” “I am actually 47!” she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman’s age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.” There was no one around, so the woman said “What the hell?” and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, “OK, You are 4...