Grandma funnies

A Woman goes to a Psychiatrist and complains: “I don’t want to marry. I am educated, independent, and self-sufficient. I don’t need a husband.But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do? ”The psychiatrist replied: “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But somethings inevitably will not go the way you want. Somethings will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plans won’t work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then who will you blame?Will you blame Yourself? ”Woman: “NO!!!”Psychiatrist: “Yes…That’s why you need a Husband!” --The Husband And His Young Wife-- The husband and his young wife did not have a good relationship. The wife was even convinced that he was having an affair with the pretty housemaid and set a trap for him. One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend without informing the husband. When they went to bed that night, the husband told the old story, “Excuse me, my de...

Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old The first one said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.” The second lady says, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.” The third one says, ” Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have any of those problems, knock on wood.” As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said, “That must be the door… I'll get it!” --What Did You Just Say – Humor-- A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him he whispered, eyes full of tears: “You know what? You have been with me al...

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father....

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. “I’ve been insulted,” she sobbed. “Your mother insulted me.” “My mother!” he exclaimed. “But she is a hundred miles away.” “I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it.” He looked stern, “I see, but where does the insult come in?” “In the postscript,” she answered. “It said: ‘Dear Alice, don’t forget to give this letter to George.'” --My Teacher Wants to See You-- A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.” “What happened?” The father asks. “Well, she asked me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answered ’63’ , then she asked, ‘and 9 * 7?’ So I asked ‘what’s the bloody difference?’ “Indeed, what is the difference?” asks the father. ‘ ‘Sure, I’ll go.” The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, “Dad, have you gone by the school?” “Not yet.” “Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.” “Why?” asks the father. “Well we ha...

A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food place. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.” The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn to use our the teeth. --Young lady drove a little yellow sports car-- Some ecclesiastical gentlemen — a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others — were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up. He finally arrived, but just they were about to enter heaven St. Peter as...

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, He asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, No. Johnny asks, Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Just go to school. Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, Is Fred and Mary up yet?? She replies, No. Johnny says, Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school. After school, he comes home and asks, Is Fred and Mary up yet? His mom says, No. Johnny asks Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, OK! What do you think?? He says, Well, last night Fred came in my room for some Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.... --Funny Joke ‣ Blonde’s Prayer-- A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’...

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have lovemaking with me, reach over and squeeze my left melons one time. If you don’t want to have lovemaking, reach over and squeeze my right melons one time.” The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea! Now if you want to have lovemaking with ME, reach over and pull on my weapon one time and if you don’t want to have lovemaking, reach over and pull on my weapon… fifty times!” --A very attractive under graduate girl-- One day, a very attractive under graduate girl visited the professor’s office. The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped hi...

If you're ever feeling a bit too sure of yourself after drinking, just think back on this story! A wife goes out for the night with her girlfriends Just before she leaves, she assures her husband that she won't be home any later than midnight: “I promise, honey.” Unfortunately, that night happened to be ladies' night, which meant the cocktails were only half the usual price She had a great time, and before she knew it it had gotten really late. As she finally arrives home, she closes the door just a little too loudly behind her. She quickly checks her watch. “Damn, it's almost 3 o'clock in the night. I probably woke up my husband with the slamming door and now he's gonna hear the cuckoo-clock strike three. Wait, I got it, I'll wait here for the clock to strike and then add 9 extra cuckoos. He'll think it's just 12 o'clock!” She does exactly as planned. As the hour strikes, she performs the extra cu...

This is too good not to share. I asked a friend who has crossed 70 and is heading towards 80 what sort of changes he is feeling in himself? He sent me the following: 1. After loving my parents, my siblings, my spouse, my children and my friends, I have now started loving myself. 2. I have realized that I am not “Atlas”. The world does not rest on my shoulders. 3. I have stopped bargaining with vegetable and fruit vendors. A few pennies more is not going to break me, but it might, help the poor fellow save for his daughter’s school fees. 4. I leave my waitress a big tip. The extra money might bring a smile to her face. She is toiling much harder for a living than I am. 5. I stopped telling the elderly that they’ve already told that story many times. The story makes them walk down memory lane relive their past. 6. I have learned not to correct people even when I know they are wrong. The onus of making everyone perfect is not on me. Peace is more precious than perfection. 7. I giv...

Fred is 34 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?” Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.” His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.” A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?” With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.” The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?” Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.” --An Elderly Couple Was Celebrating Their Sixtieth Anniversary – -- An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neigh...

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small ...

A teacher asked her class, “What do you want out of life?” A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, “All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says”. The teacher asked, “Really and what four little animals would that be?” The little girl said, “A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it.” The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room. --He goes home to tell his wife-- A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live. He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have lovemaking with him since he only had 24 hours to live. “Of course Darling,” she replied. And so they have lovemaking. Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again and says, “you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?” Again she responds very ...

After 15 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie She said, “I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.” The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my mother, who had been a widow for 10 years, but the demands of my work and my 2 children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally. That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie “What's wrong, are you well?” she asked. My mother is the type of woman who suspects that late nights call or surprise invitation is a sign of bad news “I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,” I responded “Just the two of us.” She thought about it for a moment, and then said, “I would like that very much.” That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date She waited in ...

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby. All of her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the new mom says, “Not yet!” A little later, they ask to see the baby again Once more, she says, “Not yet!” Finally they ask, “When the heck can we see the baby?” And the mother says, “When the baby cries!” “Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?” Mom says, “Because I forgot where I put it!” --A blonde and her car-- A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn’t find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car. “235,000 miles.” Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde’s friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 25,000. Two days later the blonde’s friend asked...

Once upon a time there was a women that was about to have triplets. In her stomach the babies were talking to each other. The first baby says “I want to be a plumber, because there is so much water in here”. The second baby says “I want to be an electrician because it is so dark in here”. And the last baby says “I want to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes back in here i’m going to cut it off”. --Two deaf people get married-- Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have lovemaking with me, reach over and squeeze my left melons one time. If you don’t want to have lovemaking, reach over and squeeze my right melons one time.” The husba...

An elderly gentleman was in the kitchen and had taken down the wall clock, placing it on the floor in front of him. Then he turned on the kitchen radio tuning in to a Hip-Hop station. He then started gyrating and jumping and tapping the face of the clock with his foot in time with the music. His wife suddenly walked in and said “What in heaven’s name are you doing!” The husband replied, “Our granddaughter says you can making money dancing on the Tik-Tok.” --A Super Hot Woman Arrived At A Party-- A super hot woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.” “That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?” “No,” she replied. “As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose ‘Carmen’” “What’s your name?” she asked. He answered “B. J. Titsengolf.”

One day a father and his ten-year-old son were on the bus, when the boy noticed a redhead with huge fronts. “Hey Pop,” the son cried, “look at those melons!” The father, a religious man proceeded to send the boy to an all male military academy, in the hope that he would get some manners. Six months later the boy came home and the father decided to take him on another bus ride. Again, a woman with very large fronts sat across from them. To see if his son had learned any manners, the father exclaimed, “Look at the melons on that redhead!” “melons my eye,” the boy replied with a smile, “get a load of the bum on that bus driver!!” --A wife asked her husband to drop her-- A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place. He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi. He left for the office. The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fin...

A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said; “Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?” Beth replied, “Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason.” Charles was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?” Beth said, “The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?, well I did what I had to do” Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?” ...

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?” “Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man. “The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -” His friend interrupts him. “A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?” “Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday.” --Family Visiting-- Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.  From under the blanket she notices four legs instead of two! She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. -Hi darling, he says, -Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. H...

A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed, puffing and panting. “What are you doing?” the man inquires. “Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!” “Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!” He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little heart out. “What’s the matter, son?” asks the father. “Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy,” replies his tearful toddler. Enraged, the man runs back upstairs, flings open the wardrobe and finds his brother there absolutely , just as his son had said “You , Jim,” screams the man. “My wife is over there having a heart attack and you’re running around scaring Johnny!” --My Teacher Wants to See You-- A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.” “What happened?” The father asks. “Well, she asked me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answere...

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with ...

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! “ “What a coincidence,” he said, “This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.” “This is a special day for me, too, and I’m also celebrating!” says the woman. “What a coincidence,” says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, “What are you celebrating?” “My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!” “What a coincidence,” says the man. “I’m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally laying fertilized eggs.” “That’s great!” says the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?” “I switched cocks,” he replied. She smiled and said, “What a coincidence!” --The teacher asked her a question-- Josey wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, th...

A woman about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied… “Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are Coming” and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said “Goodyear Rubber ...

Mr. Robinson came home in great ex'ci''tement and said to his wife, “You’ll never believe it, dear, but I’ve discovered an entirely new position for love . making.” “Really,” said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. “What is it?” “Back to back.”. “But that’s crazy. We can’t do anything back to back.” “Yes we can. I’ve persuaded another couple to help out.” --The wife straddles the husbands face -- A wife wants to try 69 with her husband The husband says “what’s that” “I’ll show you” the wife says The wife then straddles the husbands face and farts. The wife then scurries off embarrassed. “Sorry I didn’t mean to do that let me try again” says the wife The wife straddles the husbands face and once again farts directly in his face. The husband shoves off his wife. “I don’t want to do this anymore” says the husband “Why not?” Questions the wife “Because I’ll be damned if I lay here for 67 more!” Exclaims the husband.

A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the bank call centre. “Is that the High Street branch?” she asked. “No madam,” replied the voice at the other end. “It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.” “Well I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady. “Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.” “I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.” The call centre operator was adamant. “There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.” “Very well then,” sighed the old lady. “Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?” --Josey wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school-- She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. “Who is the creator of the universe?” Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. ...

young woman, (a new teacher) was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?” “Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.” “Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.” The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny Billy?” “Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters.” Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.” Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out la...

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So y’all want to be cops, huh?” The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth.” So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. “Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?” The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!” The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!” The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective t...