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Woman goes to a Psychiatrist and complains: “I don’t want to marry.


A Woman goes to a Psychiatrist and complains: “I don’t want to marry.

I am educated, independent, and self-sufficient.
I don’t need a husband.But my parents are asking me to marry.

What do I do? ”The psychiatrist replied: “YOU, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life.

But somethings inevitably will not go the way you want.

Somethings will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plans won’t work.

Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled.

Then who will you blame?Will you blame Yourself?
”Woman: “NO!!!”Psychiatrist: “Yes…That’s why you need a Husband!”
--The Husband And His Young Wife--
The husband and his young wife did not have a good relationship.
The wife was even convinced that he was having an affair with the pretty housemaid and set a trap for him.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend without informing the husband. When they went to bed that night, the husband told the old story,

“Excuse me, my dear…
Stomach”, and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife immediately ran down the corridor, up the back stairs and into the maid’s bed.

She had just time to switch off the light when he quietly entered...

He wasted neither time nor words, but quickly took out his gun, laid on top of her and beat her like there was no tomorrow.

When he had finished, still panting, the woman said, “You didn’t expect to find me in this bed, did you?” and switched on the light. “No, madam,” said the gardener.

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Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old


Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old
The first one said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”

The second lady says, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.”
The third one says, ” Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have any of those problems, knock on wood.” As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said, “That must be the door… I'll get it!”
--What Did You Just Say – Humor--
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him he whispered, eyes full of tears: “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”

“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”

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A man was at home watching TV


One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He’d toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.

The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.

The mother said,
“That’s wonderful. Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?!”
The father replies, “From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!”
--A Newly Married Couple Are In Bed--
A newly married couple are in bed when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with After the question, the woman doesn’t respond.
The man asks again “Just tell me, it’s fine. How many men have you slept with?”
His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling.

The man says “I am sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each other…”

Still silence from his wife
The man, giving up, says “It’s OK. Please don’t be upset.”
Since the woman is still silent, the man starts hugging and kissing her, showing his affection.
While he is doing this, his wife seems to come to her senses, stops looking at the ceiling, looks at him, and upset, tells her husband,
“Damn it! You made me lose count!”

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She opened the door for her husband


The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband.

“I’ve been insulted,” she sobbed.

“Your mother insulted me.”

“My mother!” he exclaimed.

“But she is a hundred miles away.”

“I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it.”

He looked stern, “I see, but where does the insult come in?”

“In the postscript,” she answered.
“It said: ‘Dear Alice, don’t forget to give this letter to George.'”
--My Teacher Wants to See You--
A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.”
“What happened?” The father asks.
“Well, she asked me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answered ’63’ , then she asked, ‘and 9 * 7?’
So I asked ‘what’s the bloody difference?’ “Indeed, what is the difference?” asks the father. ‘
‘Sure, I’ll go.” The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, “Dad, have you gone by the school?” “Not yet.”

“Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.” “Why?” asks the father.

“Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it.

Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. ‘Now,’ he says, ‘lift your left leg,’ so I asked, ‘What, am I suppose to stand on…. my pee??'” “Exactly,” says the father.

“Alright, I’ll come.” The next day, the boy asks his father “Did you go to the school?” “No, not yet.”

“Don’t bother, I got expelled.” Surprised, the father asks “Why did you get expelled?”

“Well, they summoned me to the principal’s office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.”

“What the bloody hell was the art teacher doing there!?” asks the father.

“That’s what I bloody said!”

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Funny Joke ‣ Sharing


A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food place.

He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched,

the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them.

The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn to use our the teeth.
--Young lady drove a little yellow sports car--
Some ecclesiastical gentlemen — a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others — were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up.
He finally arrived, but just they were about to enter heaven St. Peter asked them to wait a moment and let a new arrival through first.

A sweet young thing in a mini-skirt arrived and was ushered through.
The cardinal was a bit upset about this and demanded an explanation from St. Peter.

After all, they had been waiting outside for quite some time and were pillars of the church.

How could a girl in a mini-skirt deserve better treatment?

St. Peter smiled and told him, “While she was alive

that young lady drove a little yellow sports car.
She regularly jumped red lights, overtook on blind corners, and generally scared the devil out of more people than all of you combined.

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Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon


Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night.
In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, He asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, No. Johnny asks, Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Just go to school.

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, Is Fred and Mary up yet?? She replies, No. Johnny says, Do you know what I think??

His mom replies, Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.

After school, he comes home and asks, Is Fred and Mary up yet? His mom says, No. Johnny asks

Do you know what I think?? His mom replies, OK! What do you think??
He says, Well, last night Fred came in my room for some Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue....
--Funny Joke ‣ Blonde’s Prayer--
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in dire financial straits. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray… “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.”

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays… “God, please let me win the lottery! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays… “My God, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.

I don’t often ask You for help, and I’ve always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself….
“Sweetheart, work with Me on this…. Buy a ticket.”

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Two deaf people get married


Two deaf people get married.
During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution.
“Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have lovemaking with me, reach over and squeeze my left melons one time.
If you don’t want to have lovemaking, reach over and squeeze my right melons one time.”
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea! Now if you want to have lovemaking with ME, reach over and pull on my weapon one time and if you don’t want to have lovemaking, reach over and pull on my weapon… fifty times!”
--A very attractive under graduate girl--
One day, a very attractive under graduate girl visited the professor’s office.
The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee “accidentally”, etc.
Finally, the undergraduate said, “Professor, I really need to pass your course.

It is extremely important to me.
It is so important that I’ll do anything you suggest.”
The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, “Anything?”
To which the undergraduate cooed, “Yes, anything you say.”

After some brief reflection, the professor asked
“What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?” The student lied, “Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then.”
The professor then advised, “Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don’t you attend that.”

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Wife came home drunk and tries to hide it


If you're ever feeling a bit too sure of yourself after drinking, just think back on this story!

A wife goes out for the night with her girlfriends

Just before she leaves, she assures her husband that she won't be home any later than midnight: “I promise, honey.”

Unfortunately, that night happened to be ladies' night, which meant the cocktails were only half the usual price

She had a great time, and before she knew it it had gotten really late.

As she finally arrives home, she closes the door just a little too loudly behind her. She quickly checks her watch.

“Damn, it's almost 3 o'clock in the night. I probably woke up my husband with the slamming door and now he's gonna hear the cuckoo-clock strike three. Wait, I got it, I'll wait here for the clock to strike and then add 9 extra cuckoos. He'll think it's just 12 o'clock!”

She does exactly as planned. As the hour strikes, she performs the extra cuckoos with the skill of an absolute master. She goes to bed feeling satisfied that her little scam had worked – even totally drunk she had managed to avoid a fight.

The next morning however, her husband says, “Honey, I think we need a new cuckoo-clock.” The wife puts on her most innocent face and says, “Oh? Why's that?”

“Well, last night the cuckoo-clock said cuckoo 3 times, then said ‘Oh s...!', then went cuckoo four more times, giggled, bumped into the wall, went cuckoo two more times and finally fell over the living room table with a loud fart.”
--When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune--
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
“I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her,
“but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.
Three days later, she became his stepmother.

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Quotes ‣ Thoughts Of People Past 70 And Going Towards 80


This is too good not to share. I asked a friend who has crossed 70 and is heading towards 80 what sort of changes he is feeling in himself? He sent me the following:

1. After loving my parents, my siblings, my spouse, my children and my friends, I have now started loving myself.
2. I have realized that I am not “Atlas”. The world does not rest on my shoulders.
3. I have stopped bargaining with vegetable and fruit vendors. A few pennies more is not going to break me, but it might, help the poor fellow save for his daughter’s school fees.
4. I leave my waitress a big tip. The extra money might bring a smile to her face. She is toiling much harder for a living than I am.
5. I stopped telling the elderly that they’ve already told that story many times. The story makes them walk down memory lane relive their past.

6. I have learned not to correct people even when I know they are wrong. The onus of making everyone perfect is not on me. Peace is more precious than perfection.

7. I give compliments freely generously. Compliments are a mood enhancer not only for the recipient, but also for me. And a small tip for the recipient of a compliment, never, NEVER turn it down, just say “Thank You.”

8. I have learned not to bother about a crease or a spot on my shirt. Personality speaks louder than appearances.

9. I walk away from people who don’t value me. They might not know my worth, but I do.

10. I remain cool when someone plays dirty

to outrun me in the rat race. I am not a rat neither am I in any race.

11. I am learning not to be embarrassed by my emotions. It’s my emotions that make me human.
12. I have learned that it’s better to drop the ego than to break a relationship. My ego will keep me aloof, whereas with relationships, I will never be alone.

13. I have learned to live each day as if it’s the last. After all, it might be the last.
14. I am doing what makes me happy. I am responsible for my happiness, and I owe it to myself. Happiness is a choice. You can be happy at any time, just choose to be!
I decided to share this for all my friends. Why do we have to wait to be 60 or 70 or 80, why can’t we practice this at any stage and age?
-- Give me some of that aids stuff--
There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot
2. to be hung
3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, “Shoot me right in the head.” (Boom, he was dead instantly).

Then the Italian said, “Just hang me.” (Snap, he was dead.)

Then the Redneck said, “Give me some of that AIDS stuff.” They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Redneck said, “Give me another one of those shots,” so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over. Finally the warden said, “What is wrong with you?”

The Redneck replied, “You guys are so stupid…..I’m wearing a cond om!”

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Fred is 34 years old and he is still single


Fred is 34 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”

Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”

His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl.

She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”

The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”
Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
--An Elderly Couple Was Celebrating Their Sixtieth Anniversary – --
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
vIt was not locked, so they entered and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.

There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers.

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door.

Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.
Jerry said, Shes lying.
She hid it up in the attic. Sally said
Sally said,Don’t believe him, hes getting senile The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ….
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We”re outta here!

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Funny Joke ‣ What Did You Do


A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.

He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.

Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’
She again smiled and answered,

“You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered,
“Well, today I didn’t do it.”
--He Sold The Ugly Suit--
When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged,
but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”

“Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-brsted thing?!” the manager asked.

“That’s the one!” “That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity!

That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”

“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me.”

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Four Little Animals


A teacher asked her class, “What do you want out of life?”
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, “All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says”.
The teacher asked, “Really and what four little animals would that be?”

The little girl said, “A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it.”
The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room.
--He goes home to tell his wife--
A man went to the Doctor and the doctor told him he had only 24 hours to live.
He goes home to tell his wife and after they both had a long cry over it, he asked her if she would have lovemaking with him since he only had 24 hours to live.

“Of course Darling,” she replied.
And so they have lovemaking.
Four hours later they are lying in bed and he turns to her again and says, “you know I only have 20 hours to live, do you think we could do it again?”

Again she responds very sympathetically and agrees to have lovemaking.
Another 8 hours pass, and she had fallen asleep from exhaustion.
He taps her on the shoulder, and asks her again, “You know dear, I only have 12 more hours left, how about again for old times sake?”

By this time she is getting a little annoyed, but reluctantly agrees.

After they finish she goes back to sleep and 4 hours later, he taps her on the shoulder again and says, “Dear, I hate to keep bothering you but you know I only have 8 hours left before I die, can we do it one more time?”

She turns to him with a sour look on her face and says, “You know… you don’t have to get up in the morning. I do!!!”

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Story: Last Appointment With Mom!


After 15 years of marriage, my wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie

She said, “I love you, but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.”

The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my mother, who had been a widow for 10 years, but the demands of my work and my 2 children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally.

That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie

“What's wrong, are you well?” she asked.

My mother is the type of woman who suspects that late nights call or surprise invitation is a sign of bad news

“I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,” I responded

“Just the two of us.” She thought about it for a moment, and then said, “I would like that very much.”

That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous

When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date

She waited in the door with her coat on.

She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary.

She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an Angel's

“I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed,” she said, as she got into the car

“They can't wait to hear about our meeting.”

We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy

My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady

After we sat down, I had to read the menu Her eyes could only read large print.

Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me.

A nostalgic smile was on her lips

“It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,” she said

“Then it's time that you relax and let me return the favor,” I responded.

During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation – nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other's life.

We talked so much that we missed the movie

As we arrived at her house later, she said, “I'll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.” I agreed.

“How was your dinner date?” Asked my wife when I got home

“Very nice Much more so than I could have imagined,” I answered.

A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack

It happened so suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do anything for her.

Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place where mother and I had dined.

An attached note said: “I paid this bill in advance

I wasn't sure that I could be there; but nevertheless I paid for two plates – one for you and the other for your wife

You will never know what that night meant for me.”

“I love you, son.”

At that moment, I understood the importance of sayıng ın tıme: “I love you,” and to gıve our loved ones the time that they deserve.

Nothıng ın lıfe ıs more important than your family

Give them the time they deserve, because these thıngs cannot be put off till “some other time”
--A teacher was asking her class--
One day a teacher was asking her class to use absolutely in a sentence.

So Janet raised her hand and said, “the sky is absolutely blue”
The teacher said no, “it is

not, sometimes is black or has different colors.”

Another little boy raised his hand and said,

“the leaves on the trees are absolutely green”

The teacher said no, “they could be different colors at different times of the year.”

Little Johnny raised his hand and asked

Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there were lumps in farts, the teacher said “no, I don’t believe so”.

And Little Johnny said, “well then I absolutely just s**t in my pants!”

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Fertility specialist


With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby.

All of her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the new mom says, “Not yet!” A little later, they ask to

see the baby again
Once more, she says, “Not yet!”

Finally they ask, “When the heck can we see the baby?”

And the mother says, “When the baby cries!”

“Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?”

Mom says, “Because I forgot where I put it!”
--A blonde and her car--
A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldn’t find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car. “235,000 miles.”

Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blonde’s friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted.

So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 25,000.

Two days later the blonde’s friend asked her if she had sold the car since her brother dropped the miles.

The blonde told her, “Why would I sell the car when there are only 25,000 miles on the clock?”

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Once Upon A Time A Pregnant Lady


Once upon a time there was a women that was about to have triplets.

In her stomach the babies were talking to each other.

The first baby says “I want to be a plumber, because there is so much water in here”.

The second baby says “I want to be an electrician because it is so dark in here”.

And the last baby says “I want to be a hunter,

because if that damn snake comes back in here i’m going to cut it off”.
--Two deaf people get married--
Two deaf people get married.
During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution.

“Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals?

For instance, at night, if you want to have lovemaking with me, reach over and squeeze my left melons one time.

If you don’t want to have lovemaking, reach over and squeeze my right melons one time.”

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea! Now if you want to have lovemaking with ME, reach over and pull on my weapon one time and if you don’t want to have lovemaking, reach over and pull on my weapon… fifty times!”

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A elderly gentleman was in the kitchen


An elderly gentleman was in the kitchen and had taken down the wall clock, placing it on the floor in front of him.

Then he turned on the kitchen radio tuning in to a Hip-Hop station.

He then started gyrating and jumping and tapping the face of the clock with his foot in time with the music.

His wife suddenly walked in and said
“What in heaven’s name are you doing!”
The husband replied, “Our granddaughter says you can making money dancing on the Tik-Tok.”
--A Super Hot Woman Arrived At A Party--
A super hot woman arrived at a party.
While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.”

“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”

“No,” she replied. “As a matter of fact I gave it to myself.
It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore I chose ‘Carmen’”

“What’s your name?” she asked. He answered “B. J. Titsengolf.”

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One day a father and son


One day a father and his ten-year-old son were on the bus,

when the boy noticed a redhead with huge fronts.

“Hey Pop,” the son cried, “look at those melons!”

The father, a religious man proceeded to send the boy to an all male military academy, in the hope that he would get some manners.

Six months later the boy came home and the father decided to take him on another bus ride.

Again, a woman with very large fronts sat across from them.

To see if his son had learned any manners, the father exclaimed, “Look at the melons on that redhead!”
“melons my eye,” the boy replied with a smile, “get a load of the bum on that bus driver!!”
--A wife asked her husband to drop her--
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.

Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.

She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.

The Girl responded; “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up.

I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way.

Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house”

The woman agreed. A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.

The Girl jumped into the front passenger seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.

Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.

When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife. Nothing much was said along the way.

He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.

The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?

If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home?

What would you do if you are the wife?

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Unfaithfulness!


A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said;

“Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

Beth replied, “Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason.”

Charles was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons’?”

Beth said, “The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage.

Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?, well I did what I had to do”

Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”

Beth answered, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?

Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge, well I did what I had to do.”

“I recall that,” says Chuck. “And you did it to save my life so of course I can forgive you for that.

Now tell me about the third time.”

“All right,” Beth said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of the golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”
--A married man was having an affair--
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.

Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.

“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.

“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you.
I’ve been having an affair with my secretary.

I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!

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A old man meets a beautiful girl


A 70-year-old man has never been married.

One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight.

They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?”

“Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man.

“The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -”

His friend interrupts him.

“A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?”
“Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday.”

--Family Visiting--
Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
 From under the blanket she notices four legs instead of two!

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

-Hi darling, he says,

-Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.

Hope you said hello to them.

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A man returns home early from work


A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires. “Err,” she stammers back.

“I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!” “Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little heart out. “What’s the matter, son?” asks the father.

“Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy,” replies his tearful toddler.

Enraged, the man runs back upstairs, flings open the wardrobe and finds his brother there absolutely , just as his son had said “You , Jim,” screams the man.

“My wife is over there having a heart attack and you’re running around scaring Johnny!”
--My Teacher Wants to See You--
A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.”
“What happened?” The father asks.
“Well, she asked me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answered ’63’ , then she asked, ‘and 9 * 7?’

So I asked ‘what’s the bloody difference?’ “Indeed, what is the difference?” asks the father. ‘

‘Sure, I’ll go.” The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, “Dad, have you gone by the school?” “Not yet.”

“Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.” “Why?” asks the father.

“Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it.

Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. ‘Now,’ he says, ‘lift your left leg,’ so I asked, ‘What, am I suppose to stand on…. my pee??'” “Exactly,” says the father.

“Alright, I’ll come.” The next day, the boy asks his father “Did you go to the school?” “No, not yet.” “Don’t bother, I got expelled.” Surprised, the father asks “Why did you get expelled?”

“Well, they summoned me to the principal’s office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.”

“What the bloody hell was the art teacher doing there!?” asks the father.

“That’s what I bloody said!”

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Married or not you should read this


When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger.

I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms.

She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute.

I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door.

I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote

I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.
If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
--A 18 year old girl tells her Mum--
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says ‘who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!’
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani-suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:
Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation.
I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take responsibility for my actions
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.’

Finally, for causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any time.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?’

At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him you root her again.

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A chicken farmer went to local bar


A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says,
“How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! “

“What a coincidence,” he said,
“This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.”

“This is a special day for me, too, and I’m also celebrating!” says the woman.

“What a coincidence,” says the man.
As they clinked glasses he asked,

“What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!”

“What a coincidence,” says the man. “I’m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally laying fertilized eggs.” “That’s great!” says the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?” “I switched cocks,” he replied.
She smiled and said, “What a coincidence!”
--The teacher asked her a question--
Josey wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school.
She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.
“Who is the creator of the universe?”

Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up.

Josey jumped and yelled, “God almighty!”

The teacher congratulated her.

A little later the teacher asked her another question, “Tell me who is our lord and savior?”

Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, “Jesus Christ!”

The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?”

Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, “If you stick that thing in me again, I’ll snap it in half and stick it up your bum!”

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Funny Joke ‣ Pregnant Woman On The Bus


A woman about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied… “Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are Coming” and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”.. ..I just lost it…
“CASE DISMISSED!!”
--Funny Joke ‣ Do You Fart In Bed?--
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey you were right… all these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened, but by the grace of god, some Vaseline and two fingers. I think I got most of them back in……………….…..”

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Mr. Robinson came home


Mr. Robinson came home in great ex'ci''tement and said to his wife,

“You’ll never believe it, dear, but I’ve discovered an entirely new position for love . making.”

“Really,” said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. “What is it?”


“Back to back.”.

“But that’s crazy. We can’t do anything back to back.”
“Yes we can. I’ve persuaded another couple to help out.”
--The wife straddles the husbands face --
A wife wants to try 69 with her husband
The husband says “what’s that” “I’ll show you” the wife says
The wife then straddles the husbands face and farts. The wife then scurries off embarrassed.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to do that let me try again” says the wife The wife straddles the husbands face and once again farts directly in his face.
The husband shoves off his wife.

“I don’t want to do this anymore” says the husband “Why not?” Questions the wife
“Because I’ll be damned if I lay here for 67 more!” Exclaims the husband.

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A little old lady tried to phone her local bank


A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the bank call centre. “Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.

“No madam,” replied the voice at the other end.

“It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”

“Well I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.
“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”

“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”

The call centre operator was adamant.

“There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”

“Very well then,” sighed the old lady.
“Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”
--Josey wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school--
She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.
“Who is the creator of the universe?”
Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up.

Josey jumped and yelled, “God almighty!”

The teacher congratulated her.

A little later the teacher asked her another question, “Tell me who is our lord and savior?”

Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, “Jesus Christ!”

The teacher congratulated her again.Later on the teacher asked, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?”

Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, “If you stick that thing in me again, I’ll snap it in half and stick it up your bum!”

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Get Outta My Classroom


young woman, (a new teacher) was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?”

“Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny Billy?”

“Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters.”
Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.
“Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!”
--An Old Man Paddy Walks Into A Chemist’s.--
An old man Paddy walks into a chemist’s laboratory, pulls out a small bottle from his pocket, removes the cork and addresses the pharmacist.
“Wid ye mind tastin that fir me”?

The man takes a swig and screws his face up in disgust.

“That’s terrible,” he says.

“So bitter”.

Paddy the old man replies with delight

“Oh tats good news, they told me to bring a sample here and get tested fir me sugar levels”.

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A Good Question for These Three Blondes


Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So y’all want to be cops, huh?”

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.

You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth.” So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

“Now,” he said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?”

The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”

The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”
“Yes! He only has one ear!”

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You’re excused too!” The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but…” He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, “All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”

The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.”

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled _expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.

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