Grandma funnies

A blonde got tired of everyone treating her like she was dumb so she decided to dye her hair brown. She went out and about in the world to prove that she was smart. She came upon a sheep farmer and thought it would make the perfect opportunity to show off her brains. The now brunette blonde asked the farmer if she could have one of his sheep if she could correctly guess how many sheep there were. The farmer looked at his sheep that were jumping and running about and thought to himself “that would be impossible” so he allowed her to guess. After a few minutes, the woman correctly guessed the number at 129. The farmer was amazed so he let her pick one of the sheep. The woman walked into the middle of the heard, picked up a fuzzy little critter and walked back to the farmer. The farmer smiled at her and said “If I can correctly guess what color your hair is can I have my dog back?” --Johnny wanted to have make love-- Johnny wanted to have make love with a girl in his ...

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. However, this does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. Then one day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now saying that her b0.0bs are too small. So the husband comes up with a suggestion, “If you want to grow larger, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your b**bs for a few seconds.” Goes to fetch paper Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper. And then once again, she stands in front of the mirror, this time rubbing paper continuously. “How long will this take?” she asks. “They’ll grow slightly larger every day over the years,” he replies. The wife stops, turns to him and says, “Wait, why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my b**bs every day will make larger over the years?” The husband shrugs. “Why not, it work...

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, “That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Tracy” “Yeah. What’s it called Sharon?” “Viens a moi.” “Viens a moi? What the does that mean?” At this stage the store clerk offers some help. “Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘come to me.’” Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, “That doesn’t smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?” --A woman meets with her lover-- A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend. They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation: "Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called...Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you...

A fter 20 years of marriage a husband and wife go to counseling. When asked what the problem is, the wife breaks into a passionate tirade of every problem they’ve ever had. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist gets up, walks over to the wife, makes her stand up and kisses her very hard. The woman shuts up and quietly sits down. The therapist says to the husband, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?” After a moment the husband replies, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish.” --Dorothy and Edna, two elderly widows, are talking-- Dorothy and Edna, two elderly widows, are talking. Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.” Edna: “Well, I’ll warn you about what happened last week! He shows up at my apartment punctua...

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it? He said he’d offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, “I’ll be 16 tomorrow.” “I know,” said the butcher with a smile, “I’ve been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she’ll get and watch the expression on her face.” When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, “Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!” --Two old ladies were outside smoking -- Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain. O...

Mr Wilson comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck. “I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.” The next day, Mrs Wilson receives a telephone call from AEC (Atlanta Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid. “Am I speaking to Mrs Wilson?” “Yes. Speaking.” AEC guy, “You’re a month overdue, you know!” “How do YOU know?” stammers the young woman. “Well, ma’am, it’s in our files!” says the AEC guy. “What are you saying? It’s in your files. HOW?” “Yes. We have a system of finding out who’s overdue.” “GOD! This is too much.” “Madam, I am sorry. I am following orders. I have to inform you are overdue.” “I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. He will speak to your company tomorrow.” That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morni...

Ethel checked into a Motel on her 65th Birthday, she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages. She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled buns. She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call. “Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?” Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right in, “I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and wh...

The wife is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. The husband wanders in, still in his pyjamas. She turns to him and says, “I need you to make love to me this very minute.” His eyes light up and he thinks, “This is my lucky day.” Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table. Afterwards she just says “Thanks,” and returns to the kitchen stove. More than a little puzzled, he asks, “What was that all about?” She explains, “Well, the egg timer is broke.” --This Accident God’s Wish -- A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest ...

After settling in, she decides to message her friend. “Kate,” she wrote, “I finally moved out of that dingy old office and into a beautiful new one.” Happy to hear this news, Kate orders a bouquet of flowers to send to Jenny's new location. The next day, a bouquet of flowers shows up at the office with a tag attached that says, “Rest In Peace.” Confused, Jenny calls up Kate and asks if she sent those flowers. Kate explained that there must have been a mix-up at the florist, as her note said something entirely different. Being rather annoyed, Kate calls the florist where she ordered the flowers from. “We're so sorry,” said the lady on the other end “We know you're upset but you need to understand.” She continues, “We're also trying to deal with a funeral at the other side of town that just got a bouquet of flowers that says,… ‘It's about time you left that sh** hole and found somewhere decent.'” --The Angry Nun Decide...

Two female co-workers are chatting it up, and they are discussing the boyfriends they’ve had in the last year. One girl says “The last 3 boyfriends I’ve had, I’ve named after soda pops. The first one I called 7 Up, because he had 7 inches and he knew how to keep it up. The second one I called mountain dew, because when it came to mounting he knew what to do. The third I called Jack Daniels. Then the other girl interrupts saying “Hold on a minute. Isn’t Jack Daniels hard liquor ? The girl smiles and says “YES IT IS” --Johnny was lying in bed with girlfriend-- Johnny was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket. After having great lovemaking, she spent the next hour just rubbing Johnny’s balls – something she loved to do. As Johnny was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, “Why do you love doing that so much?” “Because”, she replied, “I really miss mine.”

A blonde goes to work and sees that one of her co-workers has a thermos. She asks him what it does and the fellow co-worker responds, “It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold”. The blonde was amazed and when she got home immediately went out and bought one. The next day she goes to work and is proud that she has this wonderful object. The same co-worker realizes she has a thermos and says, “What do you have in it?” She says, “Soup, and ice cream!” --Husband And Wife-- Husband: Mom, called me and she is coming tomorrow, her train will reach by 4 O’ Clock. Wife: What! She came just 4 months back, right? Why is she coming now? Tomorrow is Sunday, I thought of getting up late, but your mom had to come on a Sunday itself and that too morning 4:00 o’clock. Where will she get an auto at that time? I will not make any warm breakfast, she will have to do with biscuits and bread. The kids will also not go to play, as she spoils them by getting chocolates, t...

A man who’s wife was pregnant couldn’t bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth. So he thought he’d ring up later to see if it had come yet. He rang up and the nurse said “it’s a girl but theres another one on the way” He rang again later and the nurse said “it’s another girl but there’s another coming” He rang once more and the nurse said ” it’s a boy but there’s another coming” He couldn’t stand it any more so he went to the pub and got drunk. An hour later he was really nervous. He was dialling the hospital, hands shaking, and accidently dialled the sports line. he asked “ how many did we get mate” the person said “198 all out…. and the last one was a duck --Unused At Home-- A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: “Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Drivin...

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, “I want to be gorgeous.” God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man’s turn came, he laughed and said, “I wish they were all ugly again.” --A guy dies whilst making love-- A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, “Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?” The wife replies, “Cut it off and shove it up his bomb!” The undertaker does as he is told. On the day of the funeral the wife visits her husband for the last time and sees a tear rolling down his face, so she whispers in his ear, “It...

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband came into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “Careful! Put in some more oil! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! You need more oil. Oh my God! Where are we going to get more oil? The eggs are going to stick! Careful, careful! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget that. Use the salt. Use the Salt! The Salt!” The wife stared at him angrily, “What is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you how it feels like when I’m DRIVING the car and you do the same! ! !” --Funny Joke ‣ My Name Katz-- A widowed Jewish lady, still in very good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near Tel Aviv. She looked up and noticed that a ...

Girl taunts old man and asks if he ever did anything wild heading downtown to go to the movies, when a young punk got on. She had spiked, multi-colored hair that was green, purple, and orange. Her clothes were a tattered mix of leather rags, her legs were bare and she was wearing worn-out shoes. Her entire face and body were riddled with pierced jewellery and her earrings were big, bright feathers. She sat down in the only vacant seat that was directly across from us. My dad raised an eyebrow and stared at the girl. Finally, the punk got self-conscious and barked at my dad, “What are you looking at you old geezer… didn’t you ever do anything wild when you were young?” Without missing a beat, my dad replied, “Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and screwed a parrot… … I thought maybe you were my daughter.” -- A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother-- As she’s perusing, she notices the most gorgeous ...

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but she couldn’t find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car. She answered, “235,000 miles.” Her friend told her that was the problem. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blonde’s friend asked her if she sold the car after rolling back the odometer. The blonde told her, “Why would I sell my car? There are only 40,000 miles on it.” --An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake-- He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blo...

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice. When she reached her final destination, she cut a large h . le in the ice and dipped the r.o. d in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: “There are no fish in there”. So she moves to another spot and cuts another h*le, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there. So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her “How do you know there are no fish there?” asks the blonde. So the man coolly says “Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you’re going to have to pay for those h*les.” -- Nudist Colony-- Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him ...

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, “She’s a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull.'” --A guy dies whilst making love-- A guy dies whilst making love to his wife. A few days later the undertaker calls her and says, “Your husband still has a hard-on, what shall I do with it?” The wife replies, “Cut it off and sho...

Two old farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbours but didn’t like each other much. In 1999, there was a period of -30 degrees centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it. So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare a$s. After two hours Bob’s wife came home and asked Bob, “What are you doing?” Bob explained and she said, “Come on, you will only freeze your a$s off.” Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet. Then his wife got an idea. “Let’s change places when Joe is looking the other way.” Bob’s Wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and traded places with Bob Half an hour later Joe’s wife came home and asked him, “What are you doing?” Joe told her and said, “I am determined to win the bottle!” “You are crazy. Come on in.” “Certainly not, I am already on the winning side. Bob lost his b@lls half an hour ago!” --A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months-- A woman’s...

An old French lady had a small shop in her village for years until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop. They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said: Butter – 10 francs. In response, the old lady added a sign to her own window: Butter – 9 francs. The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign: Butter – 8 francs. Sure enough, the day after the lady’s sign now read: Butter – 7 francs. This went on for a while until eventually one of the lady’s customers pointed to the sign and said, “Madame, you cannot keep your prices so low for long. These big companies can use their buying power to sell products cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete.” In response, the old lady bent forward conspiratorially and muttered, “Monsieur, I don’t even sell butter.” --DIRTY OLD MEN-- An elderly man has owned this large farm in Louisiana for many years. Right at the back of the farm, there is a large pond ...

I remember one time when I was home visiting my folks. My mom asked me to set the table for dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built young woman. “Mom, what s this?” I asked. “Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat,” she answered. “Is it working?” I asked. “Yes and no,” she explained “I ve lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!” --Johnny was lying in bed with girlfriend-- Johnny was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Phuket. After having great lovemaking, she spent the next hour just rubbing Johnny’s balls – something she loved to do. As Johnny was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, “Why do you love doing that so much?” “Because”, she replied, “I really miss mine.”

My name is Mary, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School . “Yes. Yes, I did. I’m a mustang,” he gleamed with pride. “When did you graduate?” I asked. “In 1975. Why do you ask?” “You were in my class!” I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, balding, wrinkled faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked: “What did you teach?” --A doctor wife were sunbathing on beach-- A doctor and his ...

I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.” Rob died suddenly of a perforated rectum after publishing this letter. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing A sledge hammer was laying nearby. His wife Carol, was arrested and charged with murder The all-woman jury took only 9 minutes to find her “Not Guilty”….. Accepting her defence that Rob, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club… Click to read next joke

“It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger When this becomes apparent, try not to yell at them Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman. My name is Rob Let me relate how I handled this situation with my wife, Carol When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner I don’t yell at her Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Grill at the...

“Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?” The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.” Click to read next joke

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?” The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made..” Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.” The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by.. Click to Continue reading

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?” The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police.” Click to read next joke

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.” The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break.” “Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle.. Continue reading

As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?” He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.” Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me!” Click to read next joke

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?” After about six seconds of ‘careful consideration’, she answered “Yes, I will.” The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?” He couldn’t remember try as he might, he just could not recall not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to then he reviewed the lovely evening past. CONTINUE READING

“Hello!” “Hey honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?” “No daddy, she’s upstairs jn the bedroom with uncle Jake.” “But you don’t have an uncle Jake, sweetie…” “Uh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with mommy right now.” “Ok honey, I need you to go near the bedroom and shout ‘Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway’ and then come back and call me.” A few minutes later, the daughter calls back. “I did it, daddy.” “Well, what happened?” “Mommy got scared, started running around, tripped and hit her head, and now she isn’t moving.” “Oh my god. And what about uncle Jake? “He too got scared, jumped out of the window into the swimming pool, but he forgot you took out the water last week and now he isn’t moving as well.” “Wait a minute, my house doesn’t have a swimming pool. Wait, is this 351-7381?” -- Funny Joke ‣ Farmer A Old Lady-- A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he ...

That next spring, right on cue, she walked into the doctor’s office and promptly delivered another child. “Ma’am, I thought I told you to sleep each night with your feet in a ten-gallon bucket. What happened?” “Well, you see doctor, the store was all out of ten-gallon buckets, so I just figured two five-gallon buckets would do the trick just the same” Click to read next joke

Every spring, as soon as the snows thawed, a certain mountain woman would come down into town, have a baby and gather supplies for the summer. After a few years of this, she looked despairingly at the doctor and said, “Doctor, I don’t know how much more of this I can handle. We got us eight kids now and I just don’t know how we can go on. I gotta do something about having all these babies or I’ll just lose my mind!” The doctor scratched his head and wondered how to gently instruct the woman on how to curb her ordeal and finally told her to pick up a ten-gallon bucket along with her supplies. “And every night when you go to bed, I want both of your feet in that bucket and don’t take them out until morning.” So the lady was off and all of her problems seemed to be solved. That next spring, right on cue, she walked into.. Continue reading

“I’ve never even seen you look out the window when I was delivering your mail.” “When I got your note, I wasn’t sure what I should do”, she replied. “My husband is older than I and knows more about how things should be done so I asked him. He said, “F***k him, give him 5 bucks. ”The lunch was entirely my idea.” Click to read next joke