Grandma funnies

A young man finally got a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex.

To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.

Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburn on his “tool of the trade”.

But, he was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauz

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.

During the movie, however, the young man’s sunburn started acting up again.

He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his member immersed in a glass of milk.
Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, “So that’s how you guys load those things
--A Rich Dude And His Wife Were Having Dinner--
A rich dude and his wife were having dinner at a fancy joint.
This absolutely stunning young woman comes over to the table,

gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she’ll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at him: “Who the hell was that ?

“Oh”, replies the husband casually, “She’s my mistress.”

“Why you son of a bitch, that’s the last straw” says the wife.

“I’m done with you, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” he sez, “but remember,

divorce means no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados,

no more summers in Tuscany, no more new Jaguars in the garage at Christmas and no more yacht club.

But, the decision is yours, my dear.”

At that moment, George, a friend of husband, shows up at the same restaurant with a gorgeous blonde babe on his arm.

God asks the nun

Four nuns are in line to go into heaven.

God asks the first nun if she has ever sinned.

She says, “Well, I’ve seen a tool.”

So God puts holy water on her eyes and lets her enter.

He asks the second nun the same thing and she says, “I’ve held a tool,”

so he puts holy water on her hands and lets her enter.

Then the fourth nun skips the third nun in line and God asks why she did that.
The 4th nun replies, “Well, I need to gargle it before she sits in it.”
--A brunette goes into a doctor’s office --
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”

She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.

The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”

She says, “No, I dyed my hair. I’m naturally blonde.”

“I thought so,” he says.

“Your finger is broken.”

A blind guy on a bar stool

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says,
“Before you tell that joke, you should know something.

Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde.

I’m a six foot tall, 200 lb black belt.
The guy sitting next to me is six foot two, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player.

The fella to your right is six foot five, pushing 300, and he’s a wrestler.

Each one of us is blonde.

Think about it, Mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
--John was talking to his fiance--
John was talking to his fiance, Rebecca.
He said, “Be honest now, baby, how am I as a lover?”
To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that you’re warm.”

“Really?” he asked excitedly.

“Yes, in fact I would say that you’re the dictionary definition of the word ‘warm.’”

John was pleased until he went home and just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”

Three women were sitting around

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.”

The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.”

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, “Say, what do you call your husband?”

She frowned and said, “The postman.”

“Why the postman?”

“Because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”
--A farmer and his wife were laying--
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s melons a little feel and says,

“Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.”

His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, “Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.”

His wife then reaches over and grabs his weapon.

“Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.”

Two women are on a girls’ night out

Two women are on a girls’ night out, both of them married, loyal and exemplary wives.

This night they have had one too many Bacardi Breezers and are unsteadily walking home.

On the way they suddenly realize that they really have to pee, and lacking any proper facilities, they decide to sneak into a graveyard.

The first woman realizes that she has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and then throws it away.

Her friend, however, is wearing expensive lingerie and doesn’t want to resort to such methods. Instead, next to a grave she finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

Having finished, they both walk home, tipsy but happy.

The next day, the first woman’s husband phones the second woman’s husband, furious:

“You’ll never believe this! My wife came home last night not wearing any panties!”

“That’s nothing,” says the other man, “My wife came home with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said,”…

“From all of us at the Fire Station, we’ll never forget you.”
--79 year old man gets nak*ed when his wife doesn’t notice his cowboy boots--
An elderly couple, Mildred and George, moved to Texas. George always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Mildred looked him over and said, “Nope.” Frustrated, George stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely nak*ed except for the boots.

Again he asked Mildred, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Mildred looked up at his nak*ed body and exclaimed, “George, you know what, nothing is different! It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!”

Furious, George yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MILDRED?”

“Nope,” she replied.
“IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY COOL NEW BOOTS!”

Without changing her expression, Mildred replied, “Should have bought a hat, George. Should have bought a hat!”
-- How much money would you have?--
If you had a dollar,” quizzed the teacher, “and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents,
how much money would you have?”

“One dollar.” answered little Johnny.

“You don’t know your basic math.” said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.

Little Johnny shook his head too, “You don’t know my daddy.”

An elderly faithful man died and went to heaven

An elderly, faithful man died and went to heaven. When he arrived, God said, “Welcome John! You’re wife has been waiting for you!”

Bursting in tears of joy, John started to run around, looking for her frantically. God said, “Not so fast! We have a little gift for you!”

John inquired, “What is it?” God said, “Turn around.”

Behind John was a sexy, gleaming Lamborghini! John exclaimed, “Is this for me?” God said, “Of course it is! It’s a gift for how faithful you were to your wife!

The more faithful you are to your partner, the better car you get!” John said, “Thanks so much! I’m going to go look for her! Thanks again!”

John searches for hours and hours, but still couldn’t find her, so he decided to sleep on it and try again tomorrow.

John was driving around the next day, and saw a woman that looked a lot similar to his wife. In fact, it was! But instead of running up to her, he started crying and drove away to God.

When John approached God, God asked, “Why are you crying? Didn’t you see your wife?” John replied, “She was on a skateboard
--My Wife is Cheating On Me--
I’m furious, my wife is cheating on me with a painter.
I found traces of paint in the bed.
It’s good that with a painter, and mine cheats on me with a truck.
“That’s enough, how about a truck?”
“I found a driver in bed.”
-- A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar --
pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar.
So, one night he took her along with him. “What’ll you have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied. So, the husband ordered beer and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered, “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”

“Well, there you go,” cried the husband.

“And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”

A old man is having his annual checkup

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup.

The doctor asks him how he’s feeling.

“I’ve never been better,” he replies.

“I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says,

“Well, let me tell you a story.

I know a guy who’s an avid hunter.

He never misses a season.

But, one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he’s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him?

He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle.

BAM The beaver drops dead in front of him.”

“That’s impossible!” said the old man in disbelief, “Someone else must have shot that beaver.”
--Wife play a game for husband’s full month’s salary --
Wife: “Honey let’s play a game?” Husband: “Ok, what is the game all about?” Wife: “If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall.

And if I mention a bird you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month.” Husband: “Ok and if you fail, I will have your salary too right?” Wife: (smile) “Yes darling.”
Husband: “Ok” (stood up and was ready to run to any direction) Wife: “Are u ready?” Husband: “Yes, ready.”

Wife: “Turkey” It has been 4 hours now the husband is still standing at the spot wondering if she meant the country or the bird.

A old man ordered one hamburger

An old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.

He then unwrapped the burger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering.

You could tell they were thinking: “That poor old couple — all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table.

He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said they were just fine — they were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.

She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time, the old woman said: “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked: “What is it you are waiting for?”
She answered: “The teeth.”
--A woman had a heart attack --
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days To live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck.

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.

After her Last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?”
God replied, “Girl, I didn’t even recognize you.”

A wealthy man and his wife

A wealthy man and his wife are going to a function, so they decide to give the butler the night off.

However, a couple of hours later the wife was bored, so she leaves the party and goes home, only to find the butler sitting alone at the table.

She orders the butler upstairs to her bedroom, where she locks the door.

“Jeeves,” she commands, “take off my hat.”

Jeeves promptly obeys.
“Now, Jeeves,” she says, “take off my dress.”
He obeys. “Now, Jeeves, please remove my underwear.”

Breaking into a nervous sweat, Jeeves complies.
“Now Jeeves,” the wife says, “if I should ever catch you wearing my clothes again…”
--Magic of Words, A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet --
A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet.

He held up a sign which said: “I am blind, please help.”

There were only a few coins in the hat. A man was walking by.

He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat.

He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words.

He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy.

That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were.

The boy recognized his footsteps and asked,
“Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?”

The man said,
“I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way.

I wrote: ‘Today is a beautiful day, but I cannot see it.’”

Both signs told people that the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind.

The second sign reminded people how fortunate they were to have their sight.

Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?

Morals of the Story:

Be creative and innovative. Think differently and positively.

Let’s share this. Maybe you’ll touch someone’s heart and become the reason for the smiles on their faces.

At 85 years of age, wally married anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms,

Because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected ‘knock’ on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action…

They unite as one.
All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Wally.

Again he is ready for more ‘action.’

Somewhat surprised, Anne consents for more frantic coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it…..

Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action.’

And, once again they enjoy each other in the way only two people in the first flush of lust can…

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him,

‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally.’

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Anne and says:
‘You mean I’ve been here already?’…
-- Wife: “How would you describe me?”--
Wife: “How would you describe me?”
Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
Wife: “What does that mean?”
Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
Husband: “I’m just kidding!”

Elderly couple gets stranded on

Suddenly, the captain announces over the public address system, “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry to say that I have some bad news.

Our engines are malfunctioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.

Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach.
However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”

“Oh no! I’m sorry I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife “I didn’t send that one, either.”

The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years.

She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?”

The husband answers, “Don’t you see? The debt collectors will find us!”…
----The Doctor Said To The Elderly Man--
After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”

“In fact, I do,” said the old man.

“After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after we make love the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said,

“Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her,

“Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after making love with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time do you know why?”

“Oh, that crazy old fart” she replied.

“That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January!”

A group of male friends, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.

A group of male friends, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons because the waitresses had big parts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons because the waitresses were attractive.

The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons because the restaurant had no steps and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch….

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons because they had never been there before.
-- She suggested that he shave his beard--
A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she suggested that he shave his beard.
She said, ”OK Ken i like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face”.
Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard. There is no way I could shave it. She would kill me”.

His girlfriend pleaded, ”Oh please”…?

Again in a nice little voice,

Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night, Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping…

His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said,

”Oh Tony you shouldn’t be here, my husband will be home soon”.

Funny Joke: An old lady wanted to give her grandson $10 as a Christmas gift so she went to her bank

An old lady wanted to give her grandson ten dollars as a Christmas present.

So she went to her local bank to make a withdrawal.

The old lady handed her bankcard to the teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $10.”

The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM.”

The old lady wanted to know why.
The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you.”

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance.
She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, “You have $300,000 in your account, but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?”

The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.

The teller told her any amount up to three thousand dollars.
“Well please let me have $3000 now.”
The teller, with a kind smile, handed $3000 to her.

The old lady put $10 in her purse and said,…

“Please deposit this $2990 back into my account.”…
Moral of the story:
Respect your seniors. They know how to get around the rules!…
--A old man and old woman --
An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died.
The entire family showed up to the funeral.

Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there.

About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.

“Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife’s grave and we just think that so sweet.

We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you.”

“No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave.

I’d do it myself, but I’d get arrested for indecent exposure!”

A young man was walking through a supermarket. The old lady is genius.

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.

Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

“Pardon me,” she said,

“I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just d!€d recently.”

“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man,“is there anything I can do for you?”

“Yes,” she said,

“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye, Mother’? It would make me feel so much better.”

“Sure,” answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out,“Goodbye, Mother!”

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

“How can that be?” He asked,“I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk….
--An older couple is lying in bed--
An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night’s sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds,
“Don’t touch me.”

“Why not?” he asks.

She answers back, “Because I’m dead.”

The husband says,“What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.”She says, “No, I’m definitely dead.”He insists, “You’re not dead.

What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”“Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.”…

Two well-dressed ladies

Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.

The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland.

After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”

The lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”

The first woman went on, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”

Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”

The first woman then asked, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Mount Isa lady.
“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “What on earth could they teach you?”
--Wife had delivered twins --
The young wife went into labor while her husband was overseas serving in the war. The next day he got the news that his wife had delivered twins. He got to a phone and called her right away.

“Oh honey, I’m so happy,” he said. “Who took you to the hospital?”
“Your brother, Joe, drove me, and since I had to be anesthetized he named the twins.”
The husband was horrified but, Joe is an idiot! Oh no! What did he name them?”
The wife answered, “We have a girl and a boy
Joe named the girl Deniece.”
The husband interrupted, “Well, that’s not so bad what did he name the boy?”
“Joe named the boy De-nephew.”

Brian proposed to Jill

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.
“Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants.

I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.

They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large.

I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’

Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”

Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.

Then, Jill took off her underclothes and gave them to Brian.

“Try these on,” she said.

Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.

“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your underclothes,” said Brian.
“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
--A husband asks his wife--
A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?”
The wife responds, “No, I will live with my sister.”

The wife asks him back, “Will you marry after I die?”

The husband responds, “No, I will also live with your sister.”

A young man and woman got married

A young man and woman got married.
At the time of their marriage, the husband noticed his wife carried a decently sized metal box and shoved it up at the top of their closet.

Curious as he was, the wife told him to never to look in it no matter what the circumstances.

Over the years, he saw that metal box in the closet, but never peered into it for the sake of his wife.

One day, though, the wife had a stroke and was rushed to the hospital.

As the husband sat grieving at home, he thought of the box, snatched it up, and sped to the hospital where his wife remained with her death coming soon.

The husband bolted to her hospital room and pleaded and begged her to allow him to open the box by her side.

“Well” she said, “I suppose now would be the right time.”

The husband unlatched the hook and peered inside.

On one side sat two crocheted dolls, and on the other, to his surprise, sat one million dollars!

“Honey, before we got married, my mother gave me this box and told me that whenever I got mad at you, I should go to the bedroom and crotchet a doll,” said the wife.

The husband was thrilled and thankful.

He absolutely couldn’t believe his wife had only been mad at him two times! “That is amazing!” said the husband to his wife.

“Honey, I’m grateful beyond belief you’ve only been mad at me twice, but how on this earth did you manage to get one million dollars?”
“Oh, honey” said the wife, “That’s the money I got from selling the dolls.”
--A husband and wife decide on a code language whenever they feel like having make love to escape the attention of their son. --
According to the code language, the wife will be the typewriter and the husband will act as the typist.
However, they had a petty quarrel a few days ago and were not talking to each other.
One day the husband gets into the mood and he can’t hold any longer.
So he sends a word to his wife through the son.

The son comes and tells her, “Mom, dad wants to use the typewriter.”
The wife was having her monthlies at that time and she thought for a while and said, “Tell dad, he can’t because the red ribbon is on now,” she said.

However, the husband misunderstands that it was a deliberate excuse on her part.

Next day the son comes to his dad on an errand from his mom this time and tells him, “Dad, mom said it is okay now; the red ribbon is removed and you can type.”

The husband then tells his son, “Tell your mom I don’t need to type now. It was urgent, so I’ve already written with my hand!”

The Story Of Naughty Old Harold

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”

She asks, “What?” “S'e'x!” he replies. Mildred exclaims, “Why you old fa'rt. You couldn’t get it up if I held a g'u'n to your head!”

“I know,” Harold says, “but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.” “Well, I can oblige,” says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterwards, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold’s manhood.

Then one night Harold didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold’s manhood! Furious, Mildred yelled, “You two-timing son-of-a-bi''t*ch! What does Ethel have that I don’t have?”
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, “Parkinson’s.”
-- Johnny is taking a shower with his mother--
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your ch'e'st!?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question.

His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnny’s’ dad comes home from work a few hours early.

Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!!”

His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”

“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s’ balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”

Celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.

“Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.” said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands. Now it was the husbands turn.

He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish… So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.
-- A man walks in his room after work--
A man walks in his room after work and is surprised to find his wife lying undressed on the bed.
After careful examination he spies a pair of bare feet sticking out from underneath the curtains.

He rips open the blinds to find a undressed man standing there. ‘Who the hell are you?’ he yells.

The undressed guy replies ‘I’m the moth inspector’

‘Oh yeah! what are you doing undressed?’

He looks down and exclaims ‘Oh my god! I’m too late!’

A woman starts dating a doctor.

A woman starts dating a doctor. She eventually becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”

“Do you think it will work?” she asks. “It’s worth a try,” he says.

The doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.

After the operation, he goes to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.”

“What happened?” asks the priest. “You gave birth to a child!”

“But that’s impossible!” says the priest.

”I just did the operation,” insists the doctor.

“It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.”

About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth.

One day, he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.”

The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?”

The priest replies, “I am your mother.

The archbishop is your father.”
--The Old Lady Decided To Join Her Husband In The Afterlife--
She decided she would just end her life herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pis tol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, “Your heart would be just by your left breast.”

Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Father to Daughter : Go Get Married on Twitter

Daughter’s text to Dad: Daddy, I’m coming home to get married soon, so get your checkbook ready. LOU As you know, I’m in Australia and he’s in the US.
We met on a dating site, became friends on Facebook, and had long chats on Whatsapp.

He proposed to me on Skype and now we’ve had a 2 month relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.

Lots of love,
Lilly.
Dad’s reply: My dear Lilly,
Like Wow! Really? Cool!
Whatever… I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, register for your stuff on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal.

And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay.
Lots of love,
Dad.
--When people make you feel unwanted--
When people make you feel unwanted, don’t leave to make them feel sad or guilty, they won’t. Leave because you no longer have a reason to stay.
Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. What is meant to be will end up good and what is not – won’t.

Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you.

If they don’t, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you.

97 Year Old Midwife Gets One Last Wish Before Going To Heaven

Elsa, a 97 year old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life. When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St

Peter was standing there waiting for her.
He said, “Welcome, Elsa. Do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?”

“I do,” Elsa replied “I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain of having a baby.”

St Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while.

She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby. While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever.

The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing, but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe.

“How are you feeling? Aren’t you in pain?” the midwife asked him.

“Oh no, I’m feeling great,” the husband replied
“But I think we have to call for an ambulance. Our neighbor John is lying out there on the lawn screaming his head off!”.
-- A woman was nagging her husband--
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, “What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!”
Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, “Honey, can you fix the faucet?” The husband replied, “What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!”

Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, “Honey, can you change the light bulb?” His reply was, “What am I? An electrician?!”

A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, “Honey, what happened here?”

The wife replies, “You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything.” The husband says, “Honey, how did you pay him?!”

“Oh, you know,” the wife says, “he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have make love with him.” Somewhat relieved the husband asks, “Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?”

The wife replies, “Who do you think I am? Betty C rocker?!”

Her Daughter Is Pregnant

Her Daughter Is Pregnant But She bid Not Sleep With Anyone.How ? The doctor says, `’Okay, what seems to be the problem?” The mother says, my daughter Suzie.

She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.” The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Suzie is pregnant.

About U months would be my guess.
”The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Suzie? ”Suzie says, No mom! I’ve never even kissed a man! The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out of it.A few moments later, the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there, doctor? ”The doctor replies, “No, not really.

It’s just that the last time something like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill.
I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!
-- A wedding anniversary gift--
A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar having a few drinks and they got chatting. After a while they realise both of there wedding anniversary are the next day..

Poor man, “What did you get your wife for her wedding anniversary? ”Rich man, “I got her a pink Ferrari and a diamond ring.”.

Poor man, “What made you choose those gifts? ”Rich man, “She loves fast cars and I wasn’t sure about the ring so if she doesn’t like it, she can take it back in her new car… “The poor, “Man nodds in agreement. ”Rich man, “What did you get your wife?”Poor man, “I got my wife a pair of cheep slippers and a d**ldo.”.

Rich man, “Why did you choose those gifts?” Poor man, ” Well if she doesn’t like the slippers she can go f**k herself.”

An old man is 85-year old and insists on taking his wife’s hand everywhere they go.

An old man is 85-year old and insists on taking his wife’s hand everywhere they go.

When a man asked him why his wife kept looking away, he responded,

“Because she has Alzheimer’s.” the old man said

Then the man proceeded to ask him, will your wife worry if you let her go?

He then replied, “She doesn’t remember anything, she doesn’t know who I am anymore, she hasn’t recognized me for years.”

Surprised, the old man said,

“And you have continued to guide her every single day even though she doesn’t recognize you?”

The elderly man smiled and looked into the man’s eyes and said,
“She may not know who I am, but I know who she is, and she is the love of my life.”…
-- Funny Story: A man was working at the post office. POSTED INJOKES--
One day, a letter came with no address.
It was addressed to God. He decided he would open it to see what it said. The letter read:

Dear God, I am an 80-year-old widow, and I earn a very small pension.

My purse got stolen yesterday. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next payment. Christmas is coming soon, so my friends were supposed to come over for dinner. Without the money, I can’t buy any food, and I have no one to assist me. You are my only hope. Will you please help me?

Sincerely, Brenda
The postal worker, wanting to help out, showed the letter to all his co-workers.Everyone handed over some cash from their wallet.He ended up with $95 total, which was sent to the old lady.A few days after Christmas, another letter came from the same woman to God.All the workers gathered around to read the letter.

What the old lady wrote was:Dear God,How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Thanks to you, I managed to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. I told them all about your gift. By the way, there was $5 missing. It must have been those a$$hles at the post office!Sincerely, Brenda…

A mother gives her daughter a strange lesson and it proves to be a Lesson For Life

There once was a little girl who could not control her bad temper. So, her mother gave her a bag of nails and told her that every time she lost her temper, she must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the girl had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as she learned to control her anger, the number of nails she hammered daily gradually dwindled down.

She discovered it was easier to hold her temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally, the day came when the girl didn’t lose her temper at all. She told her mother about it and her mother suggested that the girl now pull out one nail for each day that she was able to hold her temper. The days passed and the young girl was finally able to tell her mother that all the nails were gone.

The mother took her daughter by the hand and led her to the fence. She said, “You have done well, my girl, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in someone and draw it out. It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the scar will still be there.”

The little girl then understood how powerful her words were. The girl looked up at her mother and said: “I hope you can forgive me for the holes I put in you.”
“Of course I can,” said the mother, “I love you.”…
-- The Dad Explains Why C'on'doms Come in Packs of 3, 6 and 12--
The Dad explains why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the con'd'om display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively, “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”

The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”

“Cool.” says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?”

“Those are for college men,” the dad answers. “Two for Friday, Two for Saturday, and Two for Sunday.”

Tips from Grandma that may help you