Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”
She asks, “What?” “S'e'x!” he replies. Mildred exclaims, “Why you old fa'rt. You couldn’t get it up if I held a g'u'n to your head!”
“I know,” Harold says, “but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while.” “Well, I can oblige,” says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterwards, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold’s manhood.
Then one night Harold didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold’s manhood! Furious, Mildred yelled, “You two-timing son-of-a-bi''t*ch! What does Ethel have that I don’t have?”
Old Harold smiled happily and replied,
“Parkinson’s.”
-- Johnny is taking a shower with his mother--
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your ch'e'st!?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question.
His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnny’s’ dad comes home from work a few hours early.
Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!!”
His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”
“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s’ balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”
