Grandma funnies

Anna was 79 years old and lived on the third floor of a boarding house.

Despite her age, she was still a real pis''tol-packin’ mama.

However, one day she fell and br''oke her leg.

An ambulance drove her to the hospital where a doctor put a cast on it.

When he was done, he warned her,

“Now don’t be walking up or down any stairs, okay?”

Anna nodded and thought that this sounded reasonable.

A few weeks later, the doctor took off the cast.

“So, can I climb stairs now?” asked the little old lady.

“Yes,” he replied.

“Thank goodness!” she said.

“I’m sick and tired of climbing up and down that drainpipe!”
-- Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. --
Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.
Johnny asked,
“Grandpa, are you going to take that new Viagra?”
Grandpa looks at him and says

“No Johnny, I will not.”

“But Grandpa, why?” asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies.

“Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to.”

Three Boys Shared A Table With Old Lady

After going through the line at a crowded mall cafeteria,

The three rambunctious teenage boys found they were forced to share a table with a kindly looking old lady.

One of the lads decided to have a bit of fun at the woman’s expense and, nudging one of his buddies under the table, suddenly remarked,

“Did your folks ever get married?”

“Nope,” replied his tablemate, picking up the put on.

“How about you?”

“They never bothered,” answered the first young man.

“That’s nothing,” interrupted the third,

“my mother doesn’t even know who my father is.”

The elderly woman looked up from her coffee and said sweetly.
“Excuse me, but would one of you little b@stards please pass the sugar?”
-- An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom… --
So the wife goes to an adult toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking.
The worker suggests some cr0tch-less p@nties and takes her to see some.

The wife looks at them and thinks they’re perfect She can’t wait to get home and wear them for her husband.

When she gets home she finds her husband is still out.

She makes her way up the bedroom to put on her new p@nties.
She eagerly waits for her husband to get home.
After some time she hears him come in.
He calls out to her, “where are you??”
“I’m in the bedroom, dear!” She replies.
He makes his way up to the bedroom and sees his wife laying back in bed.
“Want some of this?” She asks as she spreads her legs open to give him a nice view.
The man takes one looks and says,
“Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!”

A Mother In Law Decides To Test Her Three Son In Laws

A Mother -in -Law decides to test her three Son- in-laws for their good nature.

For this, she goes for a walk by a river with the first son-in-law jumps in.

He saves her.
The next morning he finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with note:

From your Mother In Law.
Next she goes for a walk by the river with the second son-in-law jumps in.
He too saves her.
The next morning he also finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with note:
From your Mother In Law. Next,
she goes for a walk by a river with the third son-in-law
jumps in. He just laughs and walks away.
Next morning he finds a BMW M5 parked outside his house with a note:
from your Father In Law
--A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. --
A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.
“God bless mummy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Goodbye grandpa”
The father asked,
“why did you say, goodbye grandpa?”
The little girl said,
“I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”
The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had indeed died.
The father thought that it was just a very lucky coincidence.
A few months later, he tucked her daughter into bed, and she said a prayer.
“God bless mummy, God bless daddy, goodbye grandma.”
And of course, the next day, the grandmother died.
The father realised that his daughter could predict the family deaths and that this was no coincidence.
A few weeks later, he tucked his daughter into bed, and her prayer went
“God bless mummy and goodbye Daddy.”
Her father went into shock.
He stood up all night waiting for the worse, and then sunrise came.
He decided to just stay at work the entire day to be safe.
He stayed at his office until midnight came.
When it did, nothing happened.
He breathed a sigh of relief.
When he came home, his wife asked why he was home so late.
“I had the worst day of my life.” Said the father.
“If you think your day was hard, you won’t believe what happened to me, my boss died in the middle of a meeting!”

Grandpa Surprised When His Little Grandson Asks Him To Make A Sound Like A Frog

A little boy said, “Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?

“Why sure you can,” his grandfather replied.

As he sat on his grandfather’s lap he said, “Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?”

“A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog.”

The boy said, “Grandpa, will you please, please make a sound like a frog?”

Perplexed, his grandfather said, “Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?”
And the little boy said, “Because Grandma said that when you croak, we’re going to Florida!”
--An Old Lady Having A Problem--
One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch.
She told the doctor her problem and he said, “You have the crabs”.
She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin.

She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him.

The doctor said, “You probably have the crabs”.

“No” she said, “I am an eighty year old virgin.”

Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.

She said, “Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don’t tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old vi'rg''in. It can not be the crabs.”

The doctor said, Jump on the table and let’s have a look.”

“After examining the doctor proclaimed, “Ma’am, your right, you do not have the crabs, this cherry is so old, you have fruit flies.”

How Old Do You Think I Am

April 16, 2023

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’
Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each bre@st and he gently pinches each n!ppl3. He pushes her bre@sts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’
He completes one last squeeze of her bre@sts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’
--Johnny Once Bought A Very Fine Toilet Brush--
Little Johnny once bought his Granny a very fine toilet brush for her birthday.
But when he went to visit her a few weeks later, there wasn’t a sign of it in the bathroom.
Little Johnny asked his Grandma,
“Granny, what happened to the loo brush I gave you?”
“Darling, I really didn’t like it. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper, and this new thing was just far too scratchy.” .

The husband leans over and asks his wife

April 16, 2023

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had s''e''x together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”

Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”

OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”

“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having s''e''x against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious s''ex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
“Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”
--An Old Lady Was Walking Down The Street--
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,
“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady.
“I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.

” Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady.
“You see, my backyard is right next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Ki'l'ls the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing.
“OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.”

Two Elderly Women Were Having A Late Lunch

Two elderly women were having a late lunch and a drink at a local pub one afternoon when Ethel noticed something funny about Mable’s ear and said,

“Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”

Mable answered,

“I have? A suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said,
“Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”
--A Housewife Takes A Lover During The Day--
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “My dad’s outside.”

Man: “OK, how much?”

Boy: “£250.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together.

Boy: “Dark in here.”

Man: “Yes, it is.”

Boy: “I have a baseball glove.”

Man: “That’s nice.”

Boy: “Want to buy it?”

Man: “No, thanks.”

Boy: “I’ll tell.”

Man: “How much?”

Boy: “£750.”

Man: “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy,

“Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball!”

The boy says, “I can’t. I sold them.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The son says, “£1,000.”

The father says, “That’s terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that sh*t again!!”

She Walked Into A Bank With A Bag Of Cash. How She Got It? Hilarious.

She Walked Into A Bank With A Bag Of Cash. How She Got It? Hilarious.

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”

The receptionist objected, stating, “You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. He’s a very busy man.”

“But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,” added the old woman.

The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said, “You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,” and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.

When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood up and asked, “How can I help you?”

She replied, “I would like to open a savings account,” and placed the bag of money on his desk.

“How much would you like to deposit?” he asked curiously.

“$180,000, if you please,” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The President was surprised to see all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around, especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by this kind of money?”

The old lady coyly replied, “I make bets.” Surprised, the president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?” The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

“What?!” cried the man, “you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, my testicles, are square?” He could hardly hold back from laughing.

“Yes, you heard me. In fact, by ten o’clock tomorrow morning, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square.”

The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one. “You’ve got yourself a bet!” and shook her hand.

The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?”

“Sure!” replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.

The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

“Well, Okay,” said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking to himself, “$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it’s okay.” He then said, “Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

As the old woman started to feel the banker’s testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?” The old lady replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. today, I’d have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands.”
--This Little Old Lady Is Walking Her Dog--
This little old lady is walking her dog around the local lake. It is a cold morning and the lake is still frozen:
All of a sudden her little dog spots a duck on the ice and runs out to bite the sh*t out of it.
The dog falls through the ice and the little old lady starts chucking a wobbler.
“Help, help! My dog has fallen into the lake.”

Watching all the commotion is a German jogger who sprints over to the lady and says.

“Vot is zee matter viv your dog? Can I za help?”

“Oh yes please.” Says the old lady,
so the jogger wades in and saves the dog and puts it on the bank beside the old lady.

“Oh you are so kind, are you a vet?”
“VET!” Replied the German.
“VET! I’m fecking soaked.”

Three Little Boys Visiting Their Grandparents.

there were three little boys visiting their grandparents.

The oldest came out and asked his grandpa,

“Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpa? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds,

“No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.”

So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather,

“Will you please make a sound like a frog?”

Grandpa again says,

“No, not now. I don’t really want to do that. I’m in a grumpy mood. Maybe later.”

Then the third little boy comes out and says,

“Grandpa, oh please… Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?”

“Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa asked.

The little boy replied with a hopeful face,

“Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!”
--A middle aged couple decided to try one last time--
A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters,
decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.

He went to his wife and said, “I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded,

“Have you been fooling around on me?”

His wife confessed, “Not this time.”

Wife Was Busy In Packing Her Clothes

The wife was busy packing her clothes.

Husband – Where are you going?

Wife – I’m moving to my mother’s.

The husband also starts packing his clothes.

Wife – Now where are you going?

Husband – I’m also moving to my mother.

Wife – And what about the kids?

Husband – Well I guess … If you are moving to your mother and I’m moving to my mother … They should move to their mother.
--Funny Joke: where do babies come from?--
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married.

One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

A Bitter Divorce, After Four Years Of Marriage

It was a bitter divorce, after four years of marriage and two children it was over.
Sam showed up in court together with his ex to see what the verdict would be.
Finally, after a long court case, the verdict was decided.
“Ok”, said the judge, turning to Sam,
“I am rewarding your ex-wife Ann $470 dollars a month.”
“That’s really kind of you, and I really appreciate it”, said Sam.
“I’ll try to send her a little bit from time to time myself.”
-- Johnny And Billy Are Walking To The Church--
Little Johnny and Billy are walking to the church for the Sunday prayer.
Billy wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying:
Little Johnny. “Why don’t you ask the Priest?”
So, Billy goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I smoke while I pray?”
The Priest replies.
“No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”
Billy goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Little Johnny says.
“I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”
And so Little Johnny goes up to the Priest and asks.
“Father, may I pray while I smoke?”
To which the Priest eagerly replies.
“By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.”
Moral of the story:
The approval you want depends on the way you ask for it…

An old lady is turning 100

An old lady is turning 100
She is in great health for her age and regularly walks to the market, post office and the bank with no problems.
Since she is living in a small town it is a big deal for the town.
On her birthday she is visited by the mayor who presents her with a badge honouring her as the oldest person in the town.
There is also the local TV station doing a report for the evening news about her.
The reporter asks her:
– What is your secret for a long and healthy life?
– It’s simple, – she says – never have I in my entire life argued with another person.
– That is impossible! – the reporter says.
– You’re right. – says the old lady.
--80 Year Old Lady Goes For A Birthday Drink--
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
“I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…”
The bartender says,
“Well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.”
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,
“I would like to buy you a drink, too.”
The old woman says,
“Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,
“I would like to buy you one, too.”
The old woman says,
“Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says,
“Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”

A Woman Passes Her Daughter's Closed Bedroom

As a woman passes her daughter’s closed bedroom door she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from inside.
Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vi''b'r''a''tor.
Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’
The daughter replied:
‘ Mum, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’
The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door.
Upon entering the room, he saw his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
He asked her what she was doing,
The daughter said:
‘ Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’
A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.
When she went in she saw her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked:
‘What the heck are you doing?’
To which the husband replied: ‘I’m watching football with my son-in-law.’
--A Man Walked Into A Supermarket --
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A checkout chick walked up to him and said,
“Your barracks door is open.”
Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was just about done shopping, a man came up and said,
“Your fly is open.”
He zipped up and finished his shopping.
At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the girl was that told him about his “barracks door.”
He was planning to have a little fun with her,
So when he reached the counter he said,
“When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?”
The girl thought for a moment and said:
“No, no I didn’t……. but I saw a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.”.

Sue phones her husband at work

Sue phones her husband at work, “Dan, do you have time for a chat?”

“Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting.”

“But this won’t take long,” Sue says, “I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news.”

“I really haven’t the time,” says Dan, “so just quickly tell me the good news.”

“Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your brand new Mercedes works very well.”
--An Elderly Man Jimmy Was Walking Down--
One day, an elderly man Jimmy was walking down Main Street when he saw his old buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
“Bubba, where’d you get that truck?!”
“Mary gave it to me,” Bubba replied.
“She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”
“Well, Jimmy, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Mary pulled off the road, but the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed into the woods.”
She parked the truck got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
‘Bubba, take whatever you want.’
So I took the truck!” “You’re a smart man, Bubba! Them clothes wouIda never fit you.”

AN OLD MAN WAS SELLING WATERMELONS

AN OLD MAN WAS SELLING WATERMELONS.

HIS PRICELIST READS :

1 FOR $3 AND 3 FOR 10$.

A YOUNG MAN STOPS BY AND ASKED FOR ONE WATERMELON.

“THAT WOULD BE 3 DOLLARS FOR ONE”, SAYS THE OLD MAN.

THE YOUNG MAN THEN BUYS ANOTHER ONE AND ANOTHER ONE, PAYING $3 FOR EACH

WHEN THE YOUNG MAN WAS LEAVING, HE TURNED AROUND AND SAID,
“HEY OLD MAN, DO YOU REALIZE I BOUGHT 3 WATERMELONS FOR JUST $9? MAYBE YOU ARE NOT THAT GOOD AT DOING BUSINESS”.

THE OLD MAN SMILED AND SAID,
“PEOPLE ARE FUNNY. EVERY TIME, THEY BUY 3 WATERMELONS INSTEAD OF 1 AND THEY TRY TO TEACH ME BUSINESS.”
--AN OLD MAN WAS SELLING WATERMELONS--
An elderly Joe was a housekeeper who had this habit of drinking from his boss’s wine bottle and replacing it with water.
The boss, Sam, did suspect him but tolerated it for a while..

But when this became a daily routine,
Sam decided to do something to trap Joe. So he shouted: “Joe?” Joe answered from the kitchen: “Yes boss?”

Sam: “Who drank my wine and added water to the bottle?” There was no answer from the kitchen.

The boss repeated the question, but still no answer. The angry boss marched to the kitchen and threatened Joe, “

What the hell is going on? When I call your name you respond with ‘Yes Boss’ but when I ask you a question, you remain silent. What is this!!!?”

Joe said: “It is like this. In the kitchen, you can hear only your name being called… You don’t hear anything else that is said, I swear.”

Sam: “How is that possible? All right, I will prove you wrong..You stay right here in the hall with Madam,

I will go to the kitchen and you ask me a question” So the boss went to the kitchen. Joe shouted:

Why People Hate High School Reunions

jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
--Abe And Esther Are Flying To Australia--
An old couple, Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later the old man Abe turns to his wife and asks,
“Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
“Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?”
“Oy, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.

“One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Visa and MasterCard this month?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, Abie,” begged Esther.
“I didn’t send that one, either.”
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him,
“So, why did you kiss me?”
Abe answers,
“They’ll find us.”

Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing

Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing
their problems with getting old. The first one said, “Sometimes
I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while
standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember
whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.”
The second lady says, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the
landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my
way up or on my way down.”
The third one says, ” Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have any of those problems, knock on wood.” As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said, “That must be the door… I’ll get it!”
-- A Boy want a Kiss from a Girl Who Is about to Jump Off the Bridge --
A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?" She does.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I've ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous.
You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl... " The biker commited suicide... ;)

Looking Back

After 25 years of marriage, a husband took a long look at his wife one day and said: “Twenty-five years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, and I slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a sexy twenty-six year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, a nice car and a big bed, but I’m sleeping with a fifty-one year old woman. It seems that you’re not pulling your weight.”
She replied calmly: “Then why don’t you go out and find a sexy twenty-six year old blonde? And when you do, I’ll make sure once again that you’ll be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.”
-- These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven--
These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, “We only have one rule here in heaven. Don’t step on the ducks.”
So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It’s almost impossible not to step on a duck there’s so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one.

St. Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen.
St. Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck. Once again, St. Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains the woman to the second guy saying, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”

The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn’t want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he’s extremely careful where he steps.

Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. One day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on. She’s tall, curvaceous, tanned and extremely sexy.

Without a word, St. Peter chains the woman to the third guy.

The guy happily says to the woman, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?”

The woman replies, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”

Cup of Tea