Grandma funnies

A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened. “Is the housewife in?” he asked. The servant replied: “Just a moment.” The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years. Husband: Guess what? I am rich. Wife: How? Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got rich fast. Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed…I got REAL rich. --Funny Joke – A married man having affair with his secretary-- A married man was having an affair with his secret...

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a new.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married 10 times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not....

Garth and his wife Sadie are having dinner at an upmarket restaurant in Melbourne, when an attractive young redhead walks by, smiles at Garth and says, “Hello Garth.” Sadie immediately asks, “And who was that girl who just spoke to you?” Garth replies, “Oh her, that’s my girlfriend.” “You have a mistress? I don’t believe you. How long has this been going on?” says Sadie. “About ten years, on and off.” answers Garth. “Ten years?”, says Sadie. “You swine! I’ll see a solicitor tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. I’ll ruin you, you wait and see.” “Now hold on Sadie,” responds Garth, “just think about it for a minute. If we get a divorce, you will only get only half of what we have together now. You won’t have our big house in Homestead, you’ll no longer get a new Lexus as your birthday present from me each year, you won’t be able to play golf all day with your friends, you won’t …” But before Garth can continue, a blonde walks past and says to him, “Hello, nice to see ...

My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the t-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?” She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.” --Two Senior Widows-- Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking. Dorothy: “That nice George Johnston asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.” Edna: “Well, I’ll tell...

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson. My dear grandson, Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you. I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: “Honk if you love God!” I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car. When I went away, I was in the rush hour. Almost 100 degrees outside. I was at a very busy crossroads, with lots of traffic. I stopped there, as the traffic light was red, and I decided to thank God for everything he gave me. Although I didn’t realize that the traffic light had turned green, I found out that there were a lot of people who loved God, because they began to honk… It was wonderful! The man in the car behind me was, for sure, very religious, as he was honking repeatedly and shouting “For the love of God!”. Just like him, a lot of people began to honk as well. I happily smiled and waved, with my hand out of the car window. I also noticed that a guy behind me was waving i...

A very poor old woman with a small family called a radio station asking for help from God. A non-believer man who was also listening to this radio program decided to make fun of the woman. He got her address, called his secretary and ordered her to buy a large number of foodstuffs and take them to the woman. However, he sent it with the following instruction: “When the woman asks who sent the food, tell her that it’s from the devil.” When the secretary arrived at the woman’s house, the woman was so happy and grateful for the help that had been received. She started putting the food inside her small house. The Secretary then asked her, ”Don’t you want to know who sent the food?” The woman replied, ”No, Say thanks to whoever sent this! I don’t care who the person is because when GOD orders, even the devil obeys”! --An Old Lady Was Walking Down The Street-- A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. “Oh, no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “and if the damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today.” --Susie Asks Her Mummy-- “Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?” “Oh, that’s just th...

Anna was 79 years old and lived on the third floor of a boarding house. Despite her age, she was still a real pis''tol-packin’ mama. However, one day she fell and br''oke her leg. An ambulance drove her to the hospital where a doctor put a cast on it. When he was done, he warned her, “Now don’t be walking up or down any stairs, okay?” Anna nodded and thought that this sounded reasonable. A few weeks later, the doctor took off the cast. “So, can I climb stairs now?” asked the little old lady. “Yes,” he replied. “Thank goodness!” she said. “I’m sick and tired of climbing up and down that drainpipe!” -- Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. -- Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, “Grandpa, are you going to take that new Viagra?” Grandpa looks at him and says “No Johnny, I will not.” “But Grandpa, why?” asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies. “Because there is no sense in putting...

After going through the line at a crowded mall cafeteria, The three rambunctious teenage boys found they were forced to share a table with a kindly looking old lady. One of the lads decided to have a bit of fun at the woman’s expense and, nudging one of his buddies under the table, suddenly remarked, “Did your folks ever get married?” “Nope,” replied his tablemate, picking up the put on. “How about you?” “They never bothered,” answered the first young man. “That’s nothing,” interrupted the third, “my mother doesn’t even know who my father is.” The elderly woman looked up from her coffee and said sweetly. “Excuse me, but would one of you little b@stards please pass the sugar?” -- An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom… -- So the wife goes to an adult toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking. The worker suggests some cr0tch-less p@nties and takes her to see some. The w...

A Mother -in -Law decides to test her three Son- in-laws for their good nature. For this, she goes for a walk by a river with the first son-in-law jumps in. He saves her. The next morning he finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with note: From your Mother In Law. Next she goes for a walk by the river with the second son-in-law jumps in. He too saves her. The next morning he also finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with note: From your Mother In Law. Next, she goes for a walk by a river with the third son-in-law jumps in. He just laughs and walks away. Next morning he finds a BMW M5 parked outside his house with a note: from your Father In Law --A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. -- A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened. “God bless mummy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Goodbye grandpa” The father asked, “why did you say, goodbye grandpa?...

A little boy said, “Grandpa, can I sit on your lap? “Why sure you can,” his grandfather replied. As he sat on his grandfather’s lap he said, “Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?” “A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog.” The boy said, “Grandpa, will you please, please make a sound like a frog?” Perplexed, his grandfather said, “Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?” And the little boy said, “Because Grandma said that when you croak, we’re going to Florida!” --An Old Lady Having A Problem-- One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said, “You have the crabs”. She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin. She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him. The doctor said, “You probably have the crabs”. “No” she said, “I am an eighty year old virgin.” Frustrated, she went to a thi...

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”. ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when...

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had s''e''x together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.” Yes, she says, “I remember it well.” OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?” “Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!” A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having s''e''x against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence,...

Two elderly women were having a late lunch and a drink at a local pub one afternoon when Ethel noticed something funny about Mable’s ear and said, “Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Mable answered, “I have? A suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.” --A Housewife Takes A Lover During The Day-- A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9-year-old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: “Dark in here.” Man: “Yes it is.” Boy: “I have a baseball.” Man: “That’s nice.” Boy: “Want to buy it?” Man: “No, thanks.” Boy: “My dad’s outside.” Man: “OK, how much?” Boy: “£250.” In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together. Boy: “Dark in here.” Man: “Yes, it ...

She Walked Into A Bank With A Bag Of Cash. How She Got It? Hilarious. A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!” The receptionist objected, stating, “You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. He’s a very busy man.” “But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,” added the old woman. The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said, “You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,” and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America. When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood up and asked, “How can I help you?” She replied, “I would like to open a savings account,” and placed the bag of money on ...

there were three little boys visiting their grandparents. The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, “Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpa? Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, “No, I don’t really want to make the sound of a frog now.” So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, “Will you please make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa again says, “No, not now. I don’t really want to do that. I’m in a grumpy mood. Maybe later.” Then the third little boy comes out and says, “Grandpa, oh please… Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?” “Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?” Grandpa asked. The little boy replied with a hopeful face, “Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!” --A middle aged couple decided to try one last time-- A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months lat...

The wife was busy packing her clothes. Husband – Where are you going? Wife – I’m moving to my mother’s. The husband also starts packing his clothes. Wife – Now where are you going? Husband – I’m also moving to my mother. Wife – And what about the kids? Husband – Well I guess … If you are moving to your mother and I’m moving to my mother … They should move to their mother. --Funny Joke: where do babies come from?-- A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your m...

It was a bitter divorce, after four years of marriage and two children it was over. Sam showed up in court together with his ex to see what the verdict would be. Finally, after a long court case, the verdict was decided. “Ok”, said the judge, turning to Sam, “I am rewarding your ex-wife Ann $470 dollars a month.” “That’s really kind of you, and I really appreciate it”, said Sam. “I’ll try to send her a little bit from time to time myself.” -- Johnny And Billy Are Walking To The Church-- Little Johnny and Billy are walking to the church for the Sunday prayer. Billy wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying: Little Johnny. “Why don’t you ask the Priest?” So, Billy goes up to the Priest and asks. “Father, may I smoke while I pray?” The Priest replies. “No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.” Billy goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him. Little Johnny says. “I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong que...

An old lady is turning 100 She is in great health for her age and regularly walks to the market, post office and the bank with no problems. Since she is living in a small town it is a big deal for the town. On her birthday she is visited by the mayor who presents her with a badge honouring her as the oldest person in the town. There is also the local TV station doing a report for the evening news about her. The reporter asks her: – What is your secret for a long and healthy life? – It’s simple, – she says – never have I in my entire life argued with another person. – That is impossible! – the reporter says. – You’re right. – says the old lady. --80 Year Old Lady Goes For A Birthday Drink-- A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…” The bartender says, “Well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fac...

As a woman passes her daughter’s closed bedroom door she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from inside. Opening the door, she saw her daughter with a vi''b'r''a''tor. Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’ The daughter replied: ‘ Mum, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’ The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he saw his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. He asked her what she was doing, The daughter said: ‘ Dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’ A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. When s...

Sue phones her husband at work, “Dan, do you have time for a chat?” “Sorry, darling, this is not a good time – I’m about to go into a board meeting.” “But this won’t take long,” Sue says, “I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news.” “I really haven’t the time,” says Dan, “so just quickly tell me the good news.” “Oh all right then, the good news is that the air bag on your brand new Mercedes works very well.” --An Elderly Man Jimmy Was Walking Down-- One day, an elderly man Jimmy was walking down Main Street when he saw his old buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. “Bubba, where’d you get that truck?!” “Mary gave it to me,” Bubba replied. “She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?” “Well, Jimmy, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Mary pulled off the road, but the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed into the woods.” She p...

AN OLD MAN WAS SELLING WATERMELONS. HIS PRICELIST READS : 1 FOR $3 AND 3 FOR 10$. A YOUNG MAN STOPS BY AND ASKED FOR ONE WATERMELON. “THAT WOULD BE 3 DOLLARS FOR ONE”, SAYS THE OLD MAN. THE YOUNG MAN THEN BUYS ANOTHER ONE AND ANOTHER ONE, PAYING $3 FOR EACH WHEN THE YOUNG MAN WAS LEAVING, HE TURNED AROUND AND SAID, “HEY OLD MAN, DO YOU REALIZE I BOUGHT 3 WATERMELONS FOR JUST $9? MAYBE YOU ARE NOT THAT GOOD AT DOING BUSINESS”. THE OLD MAN SMILED AND SAID, “PEOPLE ARE FUNNY. EVERY TIME, THEY BUY 3 WATERMELONS INSTEAD OF 1 AND THEY TRY TO TEACH ME BUSINESS.” --AN OLD MAN WAS SELLING WATERMELONS-- An elderly Joe was a housekeeper who had this habit of drinking from his boss’s wine bottle and replacing it with water. The boss, Sam, did suspect him but tolerated it for a while.. But when this became a daily routine, Sam decided to do something to trap Joe. So he shouted: “Joe?” Joe answered from the kitchen: “Yes boss?” Sam: ...

jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar. Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine. Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft. co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix. Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on L...

Three old ladies were sitting at the dinner table discussing their problems with getting old. The first one said, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can’t remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.” The second lady says, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.” The third one says, ” Well, ladies, I’m glad I don’t have any of those problems, knock on wood.” As she hit her knuckles on the table she looked up and said, “That must be the door… I’ll get it!” -- A Boy want a Kiss from a Girl Who Is about to Jump Off the Bridge -- A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops. "What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he d...

After 25 years of marriage, a husband took a long look at his wife one day and said: “Twenty-five years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, and I slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a sexy twenty-six year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, a nice car and a big bed, but I’m sleeping with a fifty-one year old woman. It seems that you’re not pulling your weight.” She replied calmly: “Then why don’t you go out and find a sexy twenty-six year old blonde? And when you do, I’ll make sure once again that you’ll be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.” -- These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven-- These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter greets them and tells them, “We only have one rule here in heaven. Don’t step on the ducks.” So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place....

A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of he favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each “cup of tea” he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud. Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn’t wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his “cup of tea” and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens. The mother watched him drink it and said: “Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?” --Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day-- Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day. when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the tick...

John was a salesman’s’ delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. “Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?” asked John. “Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,” said Tommy.. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. “Son,” said John, “this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.” “We went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie..” said Tommy. “What did you watch?” asked Marsha. “The Ten Commandments,” answered Tommy.. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip qu...

An elderly professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was… The old professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “Yes”… The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed… “Now!” Said the elderly professor as the laughter subsided! “I want you...