A Wife Called The Phone Company

A Kansas farmwife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on a few occasions,

When it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber’s house.

The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by p!ssing and moaning.

I just thought you’d like to know.

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A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

 So they did.

 Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.” 

 On the way to his office he regretted it and decided it wasn’t worth the price.

 So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:

 “Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.

 I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: 

 It had never been occupied That there was plenty of heat That it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.

 Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.”

 Dear Sir, first of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. 

 As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on.

 Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please don’t blame the landlady! 

 Please be so kind as to send a check for the full amount of $500,

 or I’ll be forced to contact your current landlady Upon receipt of the note, 

the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: 

 Dear Sir, first of all, I cannot ..

--Jose and Carlos are butt fu.cking in the shower--  

when the doorbell rings. 

Jose quickly blows his load, pulls his dick out of Carlos’ ass, 

and says “hold on I need to get this it could be the delivery man”. 

Before leaving the bathroom Jose notices that Carlos’ dick is rock hard and he’s stroking it intensely.

 Jose says to Carlos “You better not cum before I get back.”

 Jose goes to answer the front door but the person had already left.

 Eager to get back to the shower, he walks into the bathroom and immediately notices that there is cum all over the wall.

 He says to Carlos “What the fuck? I told you not to cum until I came back!” Carlos looks at Jose and says, “I didn’t cum. I farted”.

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Clever Girl

A little girl says to her mother: “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around”… “Not now,” says Mummy.

 “Wait until Daddy gets home.” So they wait until Daddy gets home,

 and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?” 

 And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

 “Well,” says the little girl, “Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, 

but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. 

Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole.”

 “Clever girl,” purrs Mummy. 

“What could you see through the keyhole?” “I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other’s clothes off, and they ... 

 “I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other’s clothes off, 

and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her.”

 “Yes?” says Mummy.

 “And then what happened?” “Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year,” says the little girl confidently

--A Lawyer Married A Woman Who Had 10 Husbands.--

   Husband #2 was in software services. 

He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. 

Husband #3 was from field services. 

He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up.

 Husband #4 was in telemarketing. 

Even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

 Husband #5 was an engineer. 

He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. 

Husband #6 was from finance andadministration. 

He thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

 Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

 Husband 8 was a psychologist.

 All he ever did was talk about it.

 Husband #9 was a gynecologist. 

All he did was look at it. 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. 

All he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m going to get screwed!”

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DAD! Please don't be mad at me but I am pregnant!

DAD! Please don't be mad at me but I am pregnant!  

 Little David is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

 The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really need is a bit more money.

 My dad leaves for work before I am even awake and he works hard until late at night to put food on the table. 

Money is needed in my family, more time with my dad is needed."

 The teacher is moved, she thanks the student and moves on to the next, a little boy stands up and says "all we are missing in my family is my older brother. 

He wen't off to fight in the war a year ago and nobody has heard from him since.

 My mom always waits for him by the window. My brother is desperately needed back in our family.

" The teacher is now tearing up, she thanks the little boy and moves on to the next student, eventually making their way around the classroom with one heartfelt response after another.

 Finally they come to the last student, Little David. 

The teacher has come to expect antics from him but gives him a chance. 

"Little David, what about you... what is something needed by your family?" Little David stands up briefly and says "nothing, we have everything" and sits back down. 

The teacher, slightly upset, asks "Now how is that possible? Each of your classmates have shared something, how can you be so sure that your family doesn't need a thing?"

 Little David stands back up and says "well I was watching TV with my parents late last night when my sister came home crying. 

She said DAD! Please don't be mad at me but I am pregnant! My dad disappointingly slapped his knee and said "Damn it! That's all we needed!"

--The Age Factor--

 (Taken from Reader's Digest Year:1998) Even though she's been teaching English for 25 years, my mother never felt her age was an issue, until the day she helped a student with a report on the Vietnam War. Mom recognised the name of a war correspondent mentioned in the textbook and blurted, "I used to date him!" Peering up from his work, another wide-eyed student asked, "You dated someone from our history book?"

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Right next to his body we found this note...

Right next to his body we found this note...

Nobody should be blamed for my death. I took my own life because the pain was too much

. It started when I married a widow that had a daughter, oh what a mistake.

 My father who was also a widower fell in love an married my wife's daughter.

 So now my wife was the mother-in-law of her father-in-law. My stepdaughter became my stepmother and my father also became my son-in-law!! In time my stepmother had a daughter that was my sister and granddaughter of my wife. So I ended up being my sister's grandfather. 

At last my wife gave birth to my son, that was the brother of my stepmother, brother-in-law of my father,

 grandson of his sister and my uncle! My wife was daughter-in-law of her own daughter

, I the stepfather of my stepmother with my father and his wife as stepsons, my son as my great-grandson and uncle of his aunt. Oh and I ended up being my own grandfather

. **I say goodbye to this world because I don't know who the hell I am anymore**

--One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"--

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle.

" "Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?" 

 "Maybe it was a tricycle." "Billy, don't stand there and lie to me.

 We're going to the principal's office right now!" >The teacher grabbed Billy, and escorted him to the principal's office and explained what happened. The principal looked sternly at Billy and said, " Stop lying, Billy. 

You know your mom didn't have a bicycle or a tricycle. What did your mother have?" Billy looked up, fear in his eyes and said, "Well, maybe she had a go-cart." That was more than enough. "I'm calling your mother right now!" Soon, Billy's mother arrived at the principal's office. "It seems that Billy has decided to start telling lies.

 His teacher asked him what you recently had, and he said a bicycle, then a tricycle, then a go-cart!" Billy's mother teared up, and through her sobs, replied to the principal and teacher, "No. Sadly, I had a miscarriage.

" Billy sat up straight and said, "I ***KNEW*** that damn thing had wheels!"

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, A husband leans over and asks his wife,

A husband leans over and asks his wife, 

“Do you remember the first time we had $.e.x together over fifty years ago?“

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.” 

“Yes”, she says, “I remember it well.”

 OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”

 “Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!” 

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. 

I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

 The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.

 Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

 As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. 

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. 

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. 

The policeman is amazed.

 He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know. 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. 

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is. 

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. 

You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together.

 Is there some sort of secret to this?” Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

“Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

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The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.

After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said,

“This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”

The old man grinned and said, “You got to keep the old motor running.”

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.

The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, “Sir, you are something! How do you manage it?”

The old man grinned and said, “You gotta keep the old motor running.”

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said,

“Well, you surely are something awesome! How do you do itThe marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.

After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said,

“This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”

The old man grinned and said, “You got to keep the old motor running.”

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.

The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, “Sir, you are something! How do you manage it?”

The old man grinned and said, “You gotta keep the old motor running.”

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said,

“Well, you surely are something awesome! How do you do it?”

The old man replied, “It’s like I’ve told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.”

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.

After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said,

“This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”

The old man grinned and said, “You got to keep the old motor running.”

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.

The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, “Sir, you are something! How do you manage it?”

The old man grinned and said, “You gotta keep the old motor running.”

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, “Well, you surely are something awesome! How do you do it?” The old man replied, “It’s like I’ve told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.” The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:

 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 “Well, I guess it’s time to change the oil. This one is black!” 

 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

 “Well, I guess it’s time to change the oil.

 This one is black!”?”

The old man replied, “It’s like I’ve told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.”

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 “Well, I guess it’s time to change the oil. This one is black"

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I helped a Granny cross the road...

A father waits for his son to come home from school. The son is an hour late.

"Where were you?" asks the father.

Son: "I helped a Granny cross the road!"

Father: "I'm proud of you! Such a fine deed deserves to be rewarded - here's $5."

The next day, the father is waiting again.

The son shows up with a friend.

"Why are you late? and who's that with you?" asks the father.

"He's a classmate. We helped two Grannies cross the road!" says the Son.

The father, impressed: "That's wonderful. You both deserve to be rewarded - here's $5 each!"

The next day the father is waiting again. Several hours pass before the son shows up after school.

Behind him are most of his classmates.

The father, surprised: "Why are you so late from school, and who are all these kids?"

"They are my classmates." says the Son "We worked together to help a dozens Grannies cross the road."

"That's great!" says the father "here's $5 for your efforts."

"Father, since they all pitched in, you should reward them too."

"Helping old ladies cross the road is a simple task. Why did so many of you need to pitch in?"

"Because the grannies resisted."

--Little Johnny walks into the bathroom only to find his granny bathing--

“What’s that?” little Johnny asks his granny, pointing down between her legs.

“That’s my beaver honey”.

“Oh.” Johnny replies and walks away.

A few hours later little Johnny walks into the bathroom this time to find his mother bathing.

“What’s that?”, little Johnny asks his mother, pointing down between her legs.

“That’s my beaver honey”, replies his mother.

“Oh” says Johnny. “Well I think grannies’ is dead ‘cause it’s tongue’s sticking out”.

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Troll Granny

Troll Granny

 A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. 

Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. 

Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable.

 It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

 "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

 "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

--A teenager is getting ready for a party.--

She comes downstairs, and granny notices she’s wearing a white crop top, with no bra underneath. 

 Granny: You should really wear a bra under that! Teen: Oh, come on gran. 

No one wears bras anymore! You’ve got to show off your rosebuds! So the teen leaves for her party. 

When she returns, she finds granny in the living room, and is horrified when she sees granny wearing a light, loose fitting top, and clearly granny isn’t wearing a bra. Teen: Gran, what are you doing? You need to put a bra on! Granny: Why? 

I figure if it’s okay for you to show off your rosebuds, it’s okay for me to display my hanging baskets!

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Lovely Mother-in-law

One day, a lady decided to know if the husbands of her three daughters liked her.

The next day she went for a walk with the first one and on the edge of a lake she slides, falls and without knowing how to swim, begins to drown.

The guy, without blinking, jumps into the water and rescues her. The next day he finds a Chevrolet Spark at the door with the following message:

>Thank you. Your mother-in-law who loves you.

Next week, she went for a walk with the second one and on the edge of the same lake slides again, falls and begins to drown.

The guy jumps into the water in an instant and rescues her too. Next day he finds a Chevrolet Spark parked outside the house with the following note:

>Thank you. Your mother-in-law who loves you.

Once again, now with the third son-in-law, and again on the same lake, same edge, slides, falls, and begins to drown. The guy, looks at her, laughs and says:

At least! stupid old women, I've been waiting years for this! And she's gone.

However, next day he also finds a car parked right in front of his lawn, a brand new Mercedes-AMG S65 Coupe, also with an attached message: >Thank you. Your father-in-law who loves you

--A 90 year old man walks into confession...--

He says, "Forgive me Father, I've sinned. I slept with two beautiful, 20 year old women last night outside of wedlock."

The Father says, "Oh my Lord, when was the last time you made confession?"

He says, "I've never made confession before Father, I'm Jewish."

The Father says, "You're Jewish? Well what are you telling *me* for?"

He says, "Well, I'm telling *everybody*.

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A girl invites her boyfriend to dinner to meet her family

It's the girl's grandmother's birthday and the whole family sits down for dinner. Things are going well until the boy starts to feel a little gassy and realizes he has to pass a little gas.

He adjusts himself on the wooden chair and squeaks out a barely audible fart.

His girlfriend's mom looks down under his seat and says, "Spot!" The boy looks down and realizes that the family dog is sitting under his chair and everyone thinks the dog is the offending party.

Relieved, the boy continues eating and trying to make awkward small talk.

A few minutes later, he feels his stomach start churning again.

He glances down and notices that the dog is still sitting under his chair so he inconspicuously adjusts himself and without looking up from his plate, lets out another slightly more audible fart.

Again, the mom speaks out, a little more forcibly this time, "Spot!" The boy looks around and thanks Spot to himself for taking the heat.

Dinner continues and it seems to be going well. But once again, he feels the rumble.

He looks down and sees that to his great fortune, Spot is still there and ready to make another noble sacrifice.

This time however, the boy thinks "OK, this time, I'm going to just let it all out.

Spot can take the blame and I won't have to worry about the gas the rest of the meal." So he leans forward just a bit and lets out a monstrous, reverberating fart.

The mom slams her hand on the table and this time shouts, "SPOT! Get out from under there before he shits on you!!!"

--Angry God--

A woman just had a baby but as glad as his husband was, he was bit confused too that what should he named his first born child.

He prayed for god and god appeared infront of him.

The man asked the god to help him name his son.

The god was angry that he called him for this small work and cursed him that the first two name his son speaks of, they will die. Worried that his son would obviously say mom and dad first, he went home.

As the day passed, his son started to speak and the first word he said was 'Mom' as soon as the son said the word, his wife died. Now he was more frightened as he was next.

Next day his son again said the second word, this time the word was 'Dad' but as to his surprise his neighbor guy died.

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One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"

>The teacher grabbed Billy, and escorted him to the principal's office and explained what happened.

The principal looked sternly at Billy and said, " Stop lying, Billy. You know your mom didn't have a bicycle or a tricycle. What did your mother have?"

Billy looked up, fear in his eyes and said, "Well, maybe she had a go-cart."

That was more than enough. "I'm calling your mother right now!"

Soon, Billy's mother arrived at the principal's office. "It seems that Billy has decided to start telling lies. His teacher asked him what you recently had, and he said a bicycle, then a tricycle, then a go-cart!"

Billy's mother teared up, and through her sobs, replied to the principal and teacher, "No. Sadly, I had a miscarriage."

Billy sat up straight and said, "I ***KNEW*** that damn thing had wheels!"

--An elderly woman was very ill, and in the hospital--

Her daughter was constantly by her bedside, but when she had to go to work, she called her husband and made him promise he would visit his mother-in-law while she was away.

When she came home after work, she asked her husband, very worried: "So, how's my mom doing?"

"She‘s great!” he replied. “She will be released from the hospital any day now, and will move in with us when she’s released, and go on to live for many, many years!"

"Wow! That's amazing!" says the wife. “But also very strange. Before I left the hospital, she seemed very ill, and the doctors said she may only have a few days left. Did she have some kind of a miraculous recovery?”

"Well, I don’t know about that,” replied the husband. “But today, the doctor told me that we needed to start preparing for the worst!"

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An 80 year old man goes in for a physical

An 80 year old man goes in for a physical And the doctor tells him, "You're in terrific health, you're healthier than most 40 year olds, what do you contribute your exceptional health to?"

And the man replies"Turkey hunting, every morning I walk in the mountains and go turkey hunting."

"Well maybe genetics has something to do with it." Says the doctor, "How old was your father before he died?"

"Who said my father was dead?"

"You're 80 years old and your father is still alive?" The doctor says in disbelief.

"Yep" replied the man, "He is 100 years old and went turkey hunting with me this morning."

"That's amazing!" Exclaims the doctor, "But then how old was your Grandpa when he passed?"

"Who said my grandpa was dead?"

The doctor is shocked and asks, "Your Grandpa is still alive?"

"Yep, he's 120. But he couldn't join us this morning, he had to get ready for his wedding."

Puzzled, the doctor asks, "Why would a 120 year old man want to get married?"

And the man responses, "Who said he wanted to get married?"

Coworker told me this one at work. Happy Friday.

--When I was young I was pretty curious. I used to go to my grandpa with my questions....--

Me: Grandpa, why does is it rain ?

Grandpa: Son, sometimes mama earth feels thirsty.

Me: Also why do animals die ?

Grandpa: Sometimes mama feels hungry too, bud. I think thats it for today?

Me: One more, grandpa! Why do forest fires occur? I learned about them in school today!

Grandpa: Sometimes son, mama likes them fried.

I had a tough time explaining to my gf that instead of donating money, we should throw some fried chicken in our backyard to support Australia.

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An old couple are celebrating 75 years of marriage

An old couple are celebrating 75 years of marriage

At the party one of the grandkids asks the Grandma what is the secret to such a long happy marriage as they never seed to argue or disagree about anything. The grandma tells them a story of when they first got married.

"It was our wedding day and we were very poor so we were heading to our honeymoon on our donkey and cart.

We were about an hour into the journey when the donkey just lay down and wouldn't budge.

My new husband said to the donkey "That's one". After a few minutes the donkey got up and started going again.

After another little while the donkey again sat down and wouldn't move and my husband said "that's two".

Again eventually the donkey got up and we were on our way. Then eventually the donkey stopped and wouldn't go any further and without a word my husband got down and sho.t the donkey in the head and said "that's three. ".

I was so shocked, I started screaming at my husband"what did you do that for, are you crazy that's terrible". My husband turned to me and he said "that's one".

--Logic of a Boy:--

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?

Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too… and she’s the best cook and story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother!

Boy: Why not?! You married mine!

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Speed demon Grandma

Speed demon Grandma

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

 Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. 

"Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!!!"

--A dying grandma tells her grandchild...--

A dying grandma tells her grandchild.... A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."

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Funny Joke – Dark in here

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work…

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, “Dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

Boy – “I have a baseball.”

Man – “That’s nice.”

Boy – “Want to buy it?”

Man – “No, thanks.”

Boy – “My dad’s outside.”

Man – “OK, how much?”

Boy – “$150”

Man – “Sold.”

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy – “Dark in here.”

Man – “Yes, it is.”

Boy – “I have a Wilson infielder’s glove.”

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,”How much?”

Boy – “$350”

Man – “Highway robbery. Sold.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my ball and my glove.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

The boy says, “$500” The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your greed.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, “Dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again, you’re in my closet now.”

--Frank in taxi--

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”

Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.

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Two brothers went to their grandma's for Christmas...

Two brothers went to their grandma's for Christmas...

The younger opened up his gift and was delighted to find a nice scarf his grandma had knitted for him.

The older found a card with his name on it. Inside it read "Merry Christmas, Love Grandma"

Later that night the older brother complained to his brother, "Why does grandma love you so much more than me?"

"She does not! Why would you say that?" Responded the younger.

"Because every year you get a gift and all I ever get is a card."

"That's not true, I've seen you get gifts!" Scolded the younger.

Rolling his eyes the older demanded, "When I was little, but it's been years. All I get is cards. In fact, I will bet you next year I get a card again."

"It's a bet then, let's make it $100." smiled the brother.

"$100 I get a card again next year. Deal!" The older glared back.

The next year came around and they both rushed to the tree. To the younger's delight, below the tree was a package with his older brothers name.

He chuckled, "Hope you brought my money big bro."

After dinner the older brother retrieved his gift. As he opened it a smile came across his face.

The younger brother nudged closer and peeked inside. He too smiled, "Hah! That'll be $100, you got a sweater! Told you!"

Smuggly the older pulled the present out and with a grin he said, "No I don't. This isn't a sweater, I got a cardigan."

--D.i. rty Grandma--

Having been playing outside with his friends, a small boy came into the house and asked:

“Grandma, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from a six-year-old but decided to answer as honestly as she could.

“Well,” she said hesitantly, “it’s called se.x.ual inte.rc.o.urse.”

“Oh, okay,” said the boy and he ran outside to carry on playing with his friends.

A few minutes later, he came back in and said angrily:

“Grandma, it isn’t called se./xual inte.rc.ourse. It’s called bunk beds. And Jimmy’s mom would like a word with you!”

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Little Johnny's grandma is visiting...

Little Johnny's grandma is visiting...

NSFW: Little Johnny's Grandma is visiting the family for the weekend...

After a nice dinner and chatting, everybody goes to bed; Johnny to his room, his parents to theirs, and Grandma to the guest bedroom.

In the middle of the night, Little Johnny bursts into his parents' room exclaiming,

"Mom! Dad! Grandma's got a shrimp!!"

Bleary eyed, they both wake up confused, asking what Johnny could possibly be talking about. "Go back to bed Johnny, it's 2 am.."

"No I'm serious", Johnny insisted. "It's a huge shrimp, you gotta see it!"

Reluctantly, they stumble down the hallway to figure out what Johnny could possibly mean by 'shrimp'.

As they open the guest bedroom door, Mom and Dad gasp. Grandma was snoring away on the bed, spread-eagle and completely na.ked.

"There it is! That's the shrimp!" Johnny exclaimed, pointing between her legs.

Johnny's parents were mortified, and scrambled to find the words to explain the situation.

"Uhh, Johnny.. That's um.. Well.... You know.. Well you don't but uhh..", Dad stammered.

"It's your Grandma's cli.toris Johnny, NOT a shrimp" Mom chimed in. "I'm sorry you had to see that sweetie, let's get you back in bed."

As they closed the door and walked down the hallway, Johnny mutters,

"A clit.-oris, huh? Well, it sure *tasted* like a shrimp!"

--A girl was a p.r./o.$t.it , but she didn’t want her grandma to know--

A girl was a p.r.o.$t.it ute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of pro/$ti/tutes at a se.x party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”

Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

“Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself,” and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the pr.o$ti/tutes.

When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”

Grandma replied,

“Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry.”

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Dear Dad

I was passing by my son’s bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. 

Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. 

It was addressed, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands…

Dear Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing’s, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it’s not only the passion, dad.

She’s pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.

We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don’t worry dad, I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I’m over at Jason’s house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!

--Little Girl Asks Awkward Question To Her Parents--

There is this girl, she is five.

She goes spying on her big sister and she hears her cussing out her boyfriend she says,

“you mother f*ck!ng @$$h0le!”

Just then jill, that’s the little girl, interrupts them talking and blurts out,

“Big Sis,what does @$$hole mean?

The girl surprised by the question,says, BOYFRIEND!

Okay , so the girl runs off onto the bathroom.

Jill sneaks up on her dad while he was shaving and says boo!

THE dad says “Shit!”

So the girl ask her dad “What does shit mean?”

And he stammers “Shaving cream”.

So she said okay and went about her day.

Jill then runs into her mom, who was in the kitchen cutting the turkey.

Her mom is startled when Jill comes in, cuts her hand, and says “F*ck!”.

So Jill ask “What does f*ck mean momma?”

And scrambling for an answer, her mom says “cutting.”

All of the sudden, they hear the door.

Jill answers and sees her Dads boss at the door.

He ask “Sweetie, do you know where everyone is at?”

And she says,

“Well, my sister’s talking to her @$$h0le, my Moms f*cking the turkey and my Dads wiping the shit off his face.”

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