Grandma funnies

A Kansas farmwife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on a few occasions, When it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found: 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called. 4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. ...

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.  So they did.  Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”   On the way to his office he regretted it and decided it wasn’t worth the price.  So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note:  “Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment.  I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:   It had never been occupied That there was plenty of heat That it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home.  Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large.”  Dear Sir, first of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautifu...

A little girl says to her mother: “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around”… “Not now,” says Mummy.  “Wait until Daddy gets home.” So they wait until Daddy gets home,  and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”   And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”  “Well,” says the little girl, “Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs,  but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs.  Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole.”  “Clever girl,” purrs Mummy.  “What could you see through the keyhole?” “I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other’s clothes off, and they ...   “I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and ...

DAD! Please don't be mad at me but I am pregnant!    Little David is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.  The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really need is a bit more money.  My dad leaves for work before I am even awake and he works hard until late at night to put food on the table.  Money is needed in my family, more time with my dad is needed."  The teacher is moved, she thanks the student and moves on to the next, a little boy stands up and says "all we are missing in my family is my older brother.  He wen't off to fight in the war a year ago and nobody has heard from him since.  My mom always waits for him by the window. My brother is desperately needed back in our family. " The teacher is now tearing up, she thanks the little boy and moves on...

Right next to his body we found this note... Nobody should be blamed for my death. I took my own life because the pain was too much . It started when I married a widow that had a daughter, oh what a mistake.  My father who was also a widower fell in love an married my wife's daughter.  So now my wife was the mother-in-law of her father-in-law. My stepdaughter became my stepmother and my father also became my son-in-law!! In time my stepmother had a daughter that was my sister and granddaughter of my wife. So I ended up being my sister's grandfather.  At last my wife gave birth to my son, that was the brother of my stepmother, brother-in-law of my father,  grandson of his sister and my uncle! My wife was daughter-in-law of her own daughter , I the stepfather of my stepmother with my father and his wife as stepsons, my son as my great-grandson and uncle of his aunt. Oh and I ended up being my own grandfather . **I say goodbye to this world because I don't know who t...

A husband leans over and asks his wife,  “Do you remember the first time we had $.e.x together over fifty years ago?“ We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”  “Yes”, she says, “I remember it well.”  OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”  “Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”  A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.  I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.  The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.  Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.  As she leans against the...

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?” The old man grinned and said, “You got to keep the old motor running.” The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, “Sir, you are something! How do you manage it?” The old man grinned and said, “You gotta keep the old motor running.” A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, “Well, you surely are something awesome! How do you do itT...

A father waits for his son to come home from school. The son is an hour late. "Where were you?" asks the father. Son: "I helped a Granny cross the road!" Father: "I'm proud of you! Such a fine deed deserves to be rewarded - here's $5." The next day, the father is waiting again. The son shows up with a friend. "Why are you late? and who's that with you?" asks the father. "He's a classmate. We helped two Grannies cross the road!" says the Son. The father, impressed: "That's wonderful. You both deserve to be rewarded - here's $5 each!" The next day the father is waiting again. Several hours pass before the son shows up after school. Behind him are most of his classmates. The father, surprised: "Why are you so late from school, and who are all these kids?" "They are my classmates." says the Son "We worked together to help a dozens Grannies cross the road." "T...

Troll Granny  A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.  Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.  Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable.  It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."  "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.  "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would ...

One day, a lady decided to know if the husbands of her three daughters liked her. The next day she went for a walk with the first one and on the edge of a lake she slides, falls and without knowing how to swim, begins to drown. The guy, without blinking, jumps into the water and rescues her. The next day he finds a Chevrolet Spark at the door with the following message: >Thank you. Your mother-in-law who loves you. Next week, she went for a walk with the second one and on the edge of the same lake slides again, falls and begins to drown. The guy jumps into the water in an instant and rescues her too. Next day he finds a Chevrolet Spark parked outside the house with the following note: >Thank you. Your mother-in-law who loves you. Once again, now with the third son-in-law, and again on the same lake, same edge, slides, falls, and begins to drown. The guy, looks at her, laughs and says: At least! stupid old women, I've been waiting years for this! And she's gone. ...

It's the girl's grandmother's birthday and the whole family sits down for dinner. Things are going well until the boy starts to feel a little gassy and realizes he has to pass a little gas. He adjusts himself on the wooden chair and squeaks out a barely audible fart. His girlfriend's mom looks down under his seat and says, "Spot!" The boy looks down and realizes that the family dog is sitting under his chair and everyone thinks the dog is the offending party. Relieved, the boy continues eating and trying to make awkward small talk. A few minutes later, he feels his stomach start churning again. He glances down and notices that the dog is still sitting under his chair so he inconspicuously adjusts himself and without looking up from his plate, lets out another slightly more audible fart. Again, the mom speaks out, a little more forcibly this time, "Spot!" The boy looks around and thanks Spot to himself for taking the heat. Dinner continues and i...

One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?" Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle." "Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?" "Maybe it was a tricycle." "Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!" >The teacher grabbed Billy, and escorted him to the principal's office and explained what happened. The principal looked sternly at Billy and said, " Stop lying, Billy. You know your mom didn't have a bicycle or a tricycle. What did your mother have?" Billy looked up, fear in his eyes and said, "Well, maybe she had a go-cart." That was more than enough. "I'm calling your mother right now!" Soon, Billy's mother arrived at the principal's office. "It seems that Billy ha...

An 80 year old man goes in for a physical  And the doctor tells him, "You're in terrific health, you're healthier than most 40 year olds, what do you contribute your exceptional health to?" And the man replies"Turkey hunting, every morning I walk in the mountains and go turkey hunting." "Well maybe genetics has something to do with it." Says the doctor, "How old was your father before he died?" "Who said my father was dead?" "You're 80 years old and your father is still alive?" The doctor says in disbelief. "Yep" replied the man, "He is 100 years old and went turkey hunting with me this morning." "That's amazing!" Exclaims the doctor, "But then how old was your Grandpa when he passed?" "Who said my grandpa was dead?" The doctor is shocked and asks, "Your Grandpa is still alive?" "Yep, he's 120. But he couldn't join us this morning...

An old couple are celebrating 75 years of marriage At the party one of the grandkids asks the Grandma what is the secret to such a long happy marriage as they never seed to argue or disagree about anything. The grandma tells them a story of when they first got married. "It was our wedding day and we were very poor so we were heading to our honeymoon on our donkey and cart. We were about an hour into the journey when the donkey just lay down and wouldn't budge. My new husband said to the donkey "That's one". After a few minutes the donkey got up and started going again. After another little while the donkey again sat down and wouldn't move and my husband said "that's two". Again eventually the donkey got up and we were on our way. Then eventually the donkey stopped and wouldn't go any further and without a word my husband got down and sho.t the donkey in the head and said "that's three. ". I was so shocked, I started screamin...

Speed demon Grandma Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.  Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in. One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice.  "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK," he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As Ethe...

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work… Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, “Dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy – “I have a baseball.” Man – “That’s nice.” Boy – “Want to buy it?” Man – “No, thanks.” Boy – “My dad’s outside.” Man – “OK, how much?” Boy – “$150” Man – “Sold.” In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy – “Dark in here.” Man – “Yes, it is.” Boy – “I have a Wilson infielder’s glove.” The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,”How much?” Boy – “$350” Man – “Highway robbery. Sold.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your gloves, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my b...

Two brothers went to their grandma's for Christmas... The younger opened up his gift and was delighted to find a nice scarf his grandma had knitted for him. The older found a card with his name on it. Inside it read "Merry Christmas, Love Grandma" Later that night the older brother complained to his brother, "Why does grandma love you so much more than me?" "She does not! Why would you say that?" Responded the younger. "Because every year you get a gift and all I ever get is a card." "That's not true, I've seen you get gifts!" Scolded the younger. Rolling his eyes the older demanded, "When I was little, but it's been years. All I get is cards. In fact, I will bet you next year I get a card again." "It's a bet then, let's make it $100." smiled the brother. "$100 I get a card again next year. Deal!" The older glared back. The next year came around and they both rushed to t...

Little Johnny's grandma is visiting... NSFW: Little Johnny's Grandma is visiting the family for the weekend... After a nice dinner and chatting, everybody goes to bed; Johnny to his room, his parents to theirs, and Grandma to the guest bedroom. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny bursts into his parents' room exclaiming, "Mom! Dad! Grandma's got a shrimp!!" Bleary eyed, they both wake up confused, asking what Johnny could possibly be talking about. "Go back to bed Johnny, it's 2 am.." "No I'm serious", Johnny insisted. "It's a huge shrimp, you gotta see it!" Reluctantly, they stumble down the hallway to figure out what Johnny could possibly mean by 'shrimp'. As they open the guest bedroom door, Mom and Dad gasp. Grandma was snoring away on the bed, spread-eagle and completely na.ked. "There it is! That's the shrimp!" Johnny exclaimed, pointing between her legs. Johnny...

I was passing by my son’s bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.  Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.  It was addressed, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands… Dear Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing’s, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion, dad. She’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll b...