Grandma funnies

A poor boy was in love with a rich man’s daughter Overcome with his love for the girl, the boy proposed to her. However, the rich girl derisively rejected him and said, “Your monthly salary is equivalent to my daily expenses How do you expect me to marry someone like you? I can never love you so forget about me Go find and marry someone else of your level.” Despite being rejected so hurtfully, for some reason, the boy could not forget her so easily Roughly 10 years later, they accidentally ran into each other in a shopping mall. She immediately recognized the man and said, “Hey, how are you? I’m now married to a very smart man, and his salary is $15,700 per month! Can you beat that?” The man, hearing those painful words from the woman he used to care for, held back his tears and said nothing Not a few moments passed when the woman’s husband came back to her side. But before the lady could say a word, her husband immediately recognized the man she ...

A one day little Johnny asks his dad if he can take a shower with him. The dad says “yes, but don’t look down.” So the johnny is in the shower with his dad and he looks down and asks what it is. The dad replies it’s a snake. Then he asks if he can take a shower with his mom. She says “yes, but don’t look up or down.” They are in the shower and the boy looks up and asks what it is. The mom replies they’re her headlights. Then he looks down and asks what it is. She says it’s her bush. Then the little johnny asks if he can sleep with his parents. They reply “yes, but don’t look down.” He is in bed and then looks down and yells “mommy, turn on your headlights. The snake is going into the bush!

A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves. He had the manager try them on. She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up. When the manager gave him the gift she accidently gave him a pair of panties instead. When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it. The note read: Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift. The lady at store said they were perfect I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night. Love, Bobby PS: The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing. --A young lady is working at old people home-- A young lady is working at an old people’s home when she walks into an old gentleman’s room. He’s holding a set of photographs and looks upset. “What’s the matter?” She asks “I’ve got no-one to pass these onto to when I go”. Says the old man, looking at his photos “Let me show you” and he presents her with a photo of an old car, “this is my vint...

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask. “It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart” Click to read next joke

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems like she’s doing fine, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see CONTINUE READING

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears; “ You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side You know what?” “What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you’re bad luck --A young lady is working at old people home-- A young lady is working at an old people’s home when she walks into an old gentleman’s room. He’s holding a set of photographs and looks upset. “What’s the matter?” She asks “I’ve got no-one to pass these onto to when I go”. Says the old man, looking at his photos “Let me show you” an...

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood. They we’re celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and decided to walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they’d shared and where he had carved “I love you, Sally.” On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car and lands practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up and decides to take it home until they decide what to do with it. There, she counts the money, and it’s fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, “We’ve got to give it back.” She says, “Finders keepers,” and puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic. The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, “Pardon me, but did either of you find or know about some money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?” She says, “No.” Th...

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter 10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, Because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping… --After a long sermon-- The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question this time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he...

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, “Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It’s so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?” To which St. Peter replied, “Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter.” The woman was very excited and asked St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. “Spell a word,” St. Peter replied. “What word?” she asked. “Any word,” answered St. Peter. “It’s your choice.” The woman promptly replied, “Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e.” St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. “I’d be honoured,” she said, “but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?” St. Peter reassured her and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a wor...

Elsa, a 97 year old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life. When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was standing there waiting for her. He said, “Welcome, Elsa. Do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?” “I do,” Elsa replied. “I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain of having a baby.” St. Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while. She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby. While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever. The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing, but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe. “How are you feeling? Aren’t you in pain?” the midwife asked him. “Oh no, I’m feeling great,” the husband replied. “But I think we have to call for an ambulance. Our neighb...

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hide under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. “She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like. “He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote… “I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in five minutes. --A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a...

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest. “How much is it?” she asked. “One hundred and fifty pounds,” he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. “But it comes with an inscription,” he said. “What kind of inscription?” she asked. “Whatever you wish,” he explained, “but one of the old golfers favourites is, ‘NEVER UP, NEVER IN.” “Oh, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the argument in the first place!” --A newlywed first night together-- On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The ...

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, “Where did you get that turkey?” The boy replied, “What turkey?” The game warden said, “That turkey you’re carrying under your arm.” The boy looks down and said, “Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!” The game warden said, “Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I’m going to do to you. If you break his wing, I’ll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I’ll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?” The little boy said, “I guess I’ll just kiss his ass and let him go!” --An Elder And His Son Were Herding Sheep-- When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The older man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son...

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!” His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s butt and say, ‘Lets do it!’ And, she’s always sound asleep.” --An Old Carpenter Was Blind-- An old carpenter was blind, but he would sit in the pub carving little figures: If you asked what he was carving he would always tell you the kind of wood before he told you the figure. He bragged that he cou...

A grandson asked his grandpa one question while on the way back from school. Grandson: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? Grandpa thought for a minute and simplified the explanation like this. Grandpa: Listen young one, a wife is like a TV and a girlfriend is like a phone. At home you watch TV, but when you go out you take your phone. Sometimes you enjoy TV, but most of the time, you play with your phone. TV is pretty much free for life, but for the phone, if you don’t pay, the services will be terminated. TV is big and bulky and most of the time old, But the phone is cute, slim, curvy, replaceable and portable. Operational costs for the TV is often acceptable but for the phone, it is often high and demanding. TV has a remote but the phone does not. Most importantly, the phone is a two-way communication (talk and listen) but with the TV, you must only listen, whether you want to or not. Last but not least always remember that TVs are superior because ...

Wife’s Diary: Tonight, I thought Tom was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long; and I was a little late for our date. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late; but he made no comment on it. So I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’ When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us,...

A poorly dressed woman entered a fancy restaurant. All the customers looked at her with scorn. The woman was wearing a ragged old dress and had a sloppy look. The hostess immediately ran up to her not even trying to hide her disgust. “Madam you have probably mistaken the place for somewhere else.” All she wanted was to quickly get rid of this unwelcome guest. The woman looked at her shyly and asked is this grandson’s restaurant? The people in the dinning hall began to whisper and giggle. The hostess looked at the woman with a pitiful look you’re right. This is. What do you want madam? Immediately call the administrator! Shouted one of the disgruntled visitors, I booked a table here in advance not for this beggar to watch me eat! The old lady lowered her head and said softly I will not take much of your time dear. I have only one request the hostess reluctantly invited the elderly woman inside, to the sound of general disapproval and averted shouts. I would have called sec...

A man and his wife check into a hotel The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed when, suddenly, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager The manager says he’ll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true “Look, lie here on the bed and you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”she tells him So he lies down next to the wife Just then the husband walks in. “What,” he says, “are you doing here?!” The manager calmly replies: “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?” --A Man Escapes From Prison-- He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a you...

Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree. When one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and, I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?” Slim says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.” “Really! Like a newborn baby?” “ Yes, No hair, no teeth, and I think, I just wet my pants. --An Old Irish Man Went To Confession In Church-- An old Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church. ‘Father’, he confessed, ‘ it been one month now since my last confession… I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month ..’ The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s ..’ Soon thereafter, Another old Irish man entered the confessional ‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had s*x with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months ..’ This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who IS this Fanny G...

A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said: Hi. I hate drawing welfare. “I would really rather find a job.” The man behind the counter replied: Your timing is amazing! We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours on this job, meals will be provided, and you will also be required to escort this young lady on her overseas holiday trips. “The salary is $200,000 a year.” The young man said: “You’re bullshitting me!” The man behind the counter said: “Well, you started it.” --Two Blonde Girls -- Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, “That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Tracy” “Yeah. What’s it called Sharon?” “Viens a moi.”...

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, “Yes sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called Bridge, and last night lots of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say “Lay down and let’s see what you’ve got.” Another man said, “I’ve got strength but no length.” Another man said to a lady, “Take your hand off my trick.” I pretty near dropped dead just then when the lady answered, “You jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one raise.” Another lady was talking about her protecting her honour, and two other ladies said, Now it’ s time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine. Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving. I hope to die if I didn’t hear someone say, “Well, I guess we’ll go home now, that was the last rubber.” -- I love my job-- This is even funnier when you r...

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my best friend Jeff. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the craziest dream the other night. Jeff listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge glowing number 5. It was made of gold and sparkled with shiny diamonds. Jeff’s curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the 5th race. Jeff raised an eyebrow. I told him that the #5 horse in the 5th race was named “The 5th Element.” Jeff started grinning. Then I told him point-by-point what I did that entire day. I ate 5 bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank 5 cups of coffee. I went for a 5 mile jog to clear my head I took a 5 minute shower to rinse off I dressed in the 5th suit I found in my closet I sat in my car for 5 minutes before starting it I drove to the racetrack and parked in the 5th stall in the 5th row I entered through the 5th admission...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, ‘ That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’ As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine – they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man ca...

An old French lady had a small shop in her village for years until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop. They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said: Butter – 10 francs. In response, the old lady added a sign to her own window: Butter – 9 francs. The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign: Butter – 8 francs. Sure enough, the day after the lady’s sign now read: Butter – 7 francs. This went on for a while until eventually one of the lady’s customers pointed to the sign and said,“Madame, you cannot keep your prices so low for long. These big companies can use their buying power to sell products cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete.” In response, the old lady bent forward conspiratorially and muttered, “Monsieur, I don’t even sell butter.” --Positive Attitude-- Late in the night, Jim, a Marine, finally regained consciousness. He was in the hospital, in agonizing pain. He found...

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, “Do you think we can still do that?” “Well, we can sure try!” she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor. “What are you doing, sweetheart?” he asked. “Well,” she replied, “I thought if you couldn’t get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!” --Joke Of The Day: The policeman noticed the elder lady dropping money -- A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.” “Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. ...

The Mexican Maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want more pay?” Maria: “Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase. The first eez that I iron better than you.” Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?” Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.” Wife: “Oh yeah?” Maria: “The second reason eez that I am better cook than you.” Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?” Maria: “Jor hozban deed.” Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?” Maria: “The third reason is that I a’m a better at make love than you in the bed.” Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?” Maria: “No Senora, the gardener did.” Wife: “So how much do you want?” --The Wife Bought A New Nighty -- The wife bought a new see through nighty, wore it without any underclothes and came swi...

One day a beggar knocked at the door of a house, and when a woman opened the door, asked her for alms. “I’ve nothing to give you,” said the woman. “Please go!” The woman, who was newly married, lived with her mother-in-law. When her mother-in-law heard her refusing alms to the beggar she was furious. “Who are you to refuse alms to this man!” she demanded. “I’m the mistress of the house!!” Thus chastened, the daughter-in-law fled to her room. “Thank you, kind lady,” said the beggar, ingratiatingly. “All I asked for was a coin to buy food. I did not know she was not the mistress of the house.” “She’s not!” snapped the woman. “She had no right to refuse you alms. I’m in charge here, and let me tell you something: you’re not getting a paisa from me!!” And with that, she slammed the door in the beggar’s face. --A newlywed first night together-- On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautif...

Three elderly men and a pretty young girl were travelling in a train compartment. After some time all four passengers started conversing. Suddenly, the young girl said, “If each one of you gentlemen will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs.” The men, charmed by the young girl, all pulled a dollar each out of their wallets and handed over the money to her. The girl then pulled her dress up to her knees and showed her legs to them. The young girl then smiled at them and said, “If each one of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I’ll show you my thighs.” The men looked at each other and nodded. Then they all pulled out a ten dollar bill each out of their wallets and handed over the money to her. The girl pulled up her dress all the way up to her thighs and let them have a good look at them. As the conversation continued, the young girl said, “If each one of you gentlemen will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.” All three looked at each ot...