Grandma funnies

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
They we’re celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and decided to walk down the street to their old school.
There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they’d shared and where he had carved “I love you, Sally.”
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car and lands practically at their feet.
Sally quickly picks it up and decides to take it home until they decide what to do with it.
There, she counts the money, and it’s fifty thousand dollars.
The husband says, “We’ve got to give it back.”
She says, “Finders keepers,” and puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home.
They say, “Pardon me, but did either of you find or know about some money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
She says, “No.”
The husband quickly interjects, “She’s lying!! She hid it up in the attic.”
She says, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.”
However, the agents sit the man down and begin to question him.
“Sir, please tell us the story from the beginning.”
The old man says,
“Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…”
The FBI agents immediately look at each other and say, “Let’s get out of here!!”
--One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman--
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”
The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

Fondness Of Women's Sacrifice

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman,
she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping…
--After a long sermon--
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used “Forgive Your Enemies” as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
About half held up their hands not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question this time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question with all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
“Mrs Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.”
“Mrs Jones, that is very unusual, how old are you?”
“Ninety three.”
“Mrs Jones, please come down ...
“Mrs Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world.”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: “It’s easy, I just outlived the bitches.”

A woman died and found herself standing outside

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him,
“Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It’s so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?”
To which St. Peter replied,
“Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter.”
The woman was very excited and asked St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.
“Spell a word,” St. Peter replied.
“What word?” she asked.
“Any word,” answered St. Peter. “It’s your choice.”
The woman promptly replied,
“Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e.”
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break.
“I’d be honoured,” she said, “but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?”
St. Peter reassured her and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter’s chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her, when low and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
“What happened?” she cried,
“Why are you here?”
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said,
“I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?” To which the woman replied, “Not yet.
You must spell a word first.”
“What word?” he asked.
The woman responded, “Czechoslovakia
--Funny Joke ‣ Pastor vs Carpenter--
Week after week, the man came to his pastor with a big problem.
“When I go to bed, I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of monsters under my bed.
I know it’s silly, but I can’t help it.”
The pastor recommended prayer, reading the Bible, singing hymns, keeping the lights on, but nothing worked.
One Sunday the man came to church happy and well rested.
He got the answer from his friend the carpenter.
“He told me just to cut the legs off the bed!”

97-year-old woman has final wish before dying, she should of been careful about what she asked for

Elsa, a 97 year old midwife, finally passed away after a long and happy life. When she arrived at the Pearly Gates, St.
Peter was standing there waiting for her.
He said, “Welcome, Elsa. Do you have a last wish before you enter paradise?”
“I do,” Elsa replied. “I would like to return to Earth for a few minutes and for once in my life witness a birth where the father is the one who has to endure the pain of having a baby.”
St. Peter thought this was a reasonable request, so Elsa was sent back to Earth for a short while.
She found herself standing in the home of a woman who was just having a baby. While giving birth, the mother seemed to be in no pain whatsoever.
The midwife was curious to see how her husband was doing, but was surprised to see him calmly sitting on a chair by an open window, smoking his pipe.
“How are you feeling? Aren’t you in pain?” the midwife asked him.
“Oh no, I’m feeling great,” the husband replied. “But I think we have to call for an ambulance. Our neighbor John is lying out there on the lawn screaming his head off!”
--Joke Of The Day: Bad Woman Her Daytime Affair--
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”.
“I can’t jump out the window, It’s raining out there!”.
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied.
“He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!”.
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!.
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.
“Oh yes!” he replied, gasping for air. “It feels so wonderfully free!”
Another runner moved alongside him.
“Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?”
“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly.
“That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried,
“Do you always wear a condom when you run?”
“Nope……… just when it’s raining”.

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again,
decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you.
Don’t bother coming after me.”
Then she hide under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.
I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.
“He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes
she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…
“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in five minutes.
--A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door--
A giggle before bedtime!
A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.
"I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realise the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says,
"That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, he shouts,
"Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts,
"Where are you?"
The drunk replies,
"Over here, on the swing! "

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.
“How much is it?” she asked.
“One hundred and fifty pounds,” he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
“But it comes with an inscription,” he said.
“What kind of inscription?” she asked.
“Whatever you wish,” he explained, “but one of the old golfers favourites is, ‘NEVER UP, NEVER IN.”
“Oh, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the argument in the first place!”
--A newlywed first night together--
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change.
The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.”
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.” Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims,
“My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, “My picture?”
He answers, “Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”.
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.”
At that, the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”.
He beams and asks why and she answers, “So I can get it enlarged!”

Funny Joke ‣ Quick Wit

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, “Where did you get that turkey?”
The boy replied, “What turkey?”
The game warden said, “That turkey you’re carrying under your arm.”
The boy looks down and said, “Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!”
The game warden said, “Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I’m going to do to you.
If you break his wing, I’ll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I’ll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?”
The little boy said, “I guess I’ll just kiss his ass and let him go!”
--An Elder And His Son Were Herding Sheep--
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew.
The older man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated.
“What are these guys in the big suits doing?”
A member of the crew said they were practising for their trip to the moon.
The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it.
He refused.
The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder’s message.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator.
His translation of the old man’s message was:
“Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land.”

Two married buddies are out drinking one night

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,
“You know, I don’t know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.
I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s butt and say, ‘Lets do it!’ And, she’s always sound asleep.”
--An Old Carpenter Was Blind--
An old carpenter was blind, but he would sit in the pub carving little figures:
If you asked what he was carving he would always tell you the kind of wood before he told you the figure.
He bragged that he could tell any kind of wood by smell.
Everyone tried to stump him, but he always got the right wood.
A few of his friends came up with a plan.
They got an old lady to lie on the bar.
The old man sniffed and thought and sniffed again.
He told them to turn the wood over so the old lady lay on her stomach and he sniffed again.
His face lit up and he said….
“You tried to trick me, this is the sh*thouse door from a tuna boat.”

A grandson asked his grandpa

A grandson asked his grandpa one question while on the way back from school.
Grandson: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
Grandpa thought for a minute and simplified the explanation like this.
Grandpa: Listen young one, a wife is like a TV and a girlfriend is like a phone.
At home you watch TV, but when you go out you take your phone.
Sometimes you enjoy TV, but most of the time, you play with your phone.
TV is pretty much free for life, but for the phone, if you don’t pay, the services will be terminated.
TV is big and bulky and most of the time old, But the phone is cute, slim, curvy, replaceable and portable.
Operational costs for the TV is often acceptable but for the phone, it is often high and demanding.
TV has a remote but the phone does not.
Most importantly, the phone is a two-way communication (talk and listen) but with the TV, you must only listen, whether you want to or not.
Last but not least always remember that TVs are superior because TVs don’t have viruses, but phones often do. And phones can be easily hacked or stolen
--An older couple is lying in bed--
An older couple is lying in bed one morning, having just awakened from a good night’s sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds,
“Don’t touch me.”
“Why not?” he asks.
She answers back, “Because I’m dead.”
The husband says,
“What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.”
She says “No, I’m definitely dead.”
He insists, “You’re not dead. What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”
“Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts.”

The Diaries Of A Married Couple

Wife’s Diary:
Tonight, I thought Tom was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long; and I was a little late for our date.
Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late; but he made no comment on it. So I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset..
He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep – I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Husband’s Diary:
Mower won’t start, can’t figure out why. SHARE IF YOU LAUGHED!
--The Old Man Placed Order For One Hamburger--
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously, they were thinking, ‘ That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine – they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said ‘ No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.’
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you are waiting for?’
She answered
‘THE TEETH.’

A POORLY DRESSED WOMAN ENTERED A FANCY RESTAURANT

A poorly dressed woman entered a fancy restaurant. All the customers looked at her with scorn.
The woman was wearing a ragged old dress and had a sloppy look. The hostess immediately ran up to her not even trying to hide her disgust.
“Madam you have probably mistaken the place for somewhere else.” All she wanted was to quickly get rid of this unwelcome guest.
The woman looked at her shyly and asked is this grandson’s restaurant?
The people in the dinning hall began to whisper and giggle.
The hostess looked at the woman with a pitiful look you’re right. This is. What do you want madam?
Immediately call the administrator! Shouted one of the disgruntled visitors, I booked a table here in advance not for this beggar to watch me eat!
The old lady lowered her head and said softly I will not take much of your time dear.
I have only one request the hostess reluctantly invited the elderly woman inside, to the sound of general disapproval and averted shouts.
I would have called security if I were you! Did you notice how she smells? That’s a nightmare! The visitors didn’t hide their feelings at all.
The woman went to the showcase with desserts and peered at it for a long time.
The waiters giggled if she hopes to eat here for free she is not getting anything! It seemed the woman did not pay attention to their disapproval.
Tell me Honey is it possible to buy only half of the lemon cake? How much will it cost? I have $17 she asked clutching some crumpled old notes in her hand.
The waiters barely restrained laughter. “Madam I don’t think you have enough money even for one slice of this cake!”
This is a work of art by our chef! Moreover we don’t sell it in halves.
The elderly lady turned pale, it seemed that something had collapsed inside her. Slowly she hobbled back to the exit.
Suddenly she was called by a man dressed in military uniform sitting next to his wife in the corner of the restaurant. “Madam comes here please! You don’t look very happy! Has something happened?” He asked with a charming smile.
“My daughter. She was very sick. When she was a kid, we passed by this restaurant and she used to look at the shop windows for a long time. We dreamed of eating the lemon cake here one day but then she got sick.
My husband left and I got several jobs to feed us. We have no money to continue the treatment and this cake is the only thing I can do for her now. But I only have $17. “The tears rolled down her face.
Without hesitation the military man summoned the waiter and asked him to pack a whole lemon cake for the woman at his expense.
He said today is 17 years since we lost out son Alex. He died in a car accident. My wife and I couldn’t do anything through she is a doctor. 17 years and 17 dollars in your pockets if this is not a sign from above then what is?
His wife gave the elderly woman her business card and promised to help with her daughter’s treatment.
When the waiter brought out the lemon cake for the lady a grateful smile appeared on her face. She thanked the military couple and headed for the exit.
There was deathly silence in the restaurant as no one felt like giggling anymore.
--A Woman Was In Bed With Her Lover--
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
‘ Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said.
‘Pretend you’re a statue.’
‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room.
‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied.
‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have this.
‘I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.’

Funny Joke: A Hotel Checkin

A man and his wife check into a hotel
The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed when, suddenly, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more
Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager
The manager says he’ll be right up.
The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true
“Look, lie here on the bed and you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”she tells him
So he lies down next to the wife
Just then the husband walks in.
“What,” he says, “are you doing here?!”
The manager calmly replies: “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”
--A Man Escapes From Prison--
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:
“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you.” To which his wife responds:
“He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!”

I Feel Just Like A Newborn Baby

Two elderly grandparents from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree.
When one turns to the other and says:
“Slim, I’m 83 years old now and,
I’m just full of aches and pains.
I know you’re about my age.
How do you feel?”
Slim says,
“I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really!
Like a newborn baby?” “
Yes,
No hair, no teeth, and I think,
I just wet my pants.
--An Old Irish Man Went To Confession In Church--
An old Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church.
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘ it been one month now since my last confession… I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month ..’
The priest told the sinner,
‘You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s ..’
Soon thereafter, Another old Irish man entered the confessional
‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had s*x with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months ..’
This time, the priest questioned,
‘Who IS this Fanny Green .. ?’
‘A new woman in the neighbourhood father, he replied. …
‘Very well’, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s’.
At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, a voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered,
‘Is That Fanny Green …?’
The wide-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,
‘No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’ …!!’

A Young Man Walks Into A Welfare Office

A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said:
Hi. I hate drawing welfare.
“I would really rather find a job.”
The man behind the counter replied:
Your timing is amazing!
We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.
You’ll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided.
Because of the long hours on this job, meals will be provided, and you will also be required to escort this young lady on her overseas holiday trips.
“The salary is $200,000 a year.”
The young man said:
“You’re bullshitting me!”
The man behind the counter said:
“Well, you started it.”
--Two Blonde Girls --
Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
“That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Tracy”
“Yeah. What’s it called Sharon?”
“Viens a moi.”
“Viens a moi? What the does that mean?”
At this stage the store clerk offers some help.
“Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘come to me.’” Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, “That doesn’t smell like come to me.
Does that smell like come to you?”

A Cleaning Lady Was Applying For A New Position

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position.
When asked why she left her last employment, she replied,
“Yes sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called Bridge, and last night lots of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say “Lay down and let’s see what you’ve got.”
Another man said, “I’ve got strength but no length.”
Another man said to a lady, “Take your hand off my trick.”
I pretty near dropped dead just then when the lady answered, “You jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one raise.”
Another lady was talking about her protecting her honour, and two other ladies said, Now it’ s time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine.
Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving.
I hope to die if I didn’t hear someone say,
“Well, I guess we’ll go home now, that was the last rubber.”
-- I love my job--
This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy:
Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.
She then sent it to radio station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below...
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this:
We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it, however, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't crap for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!
Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Man Had A Dream About Number 5

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my best friend Jeff.
I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the craziest dream the other night.
Jeff listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing.
A huge glowing number 5. It was made of gold and sparkled with shiny diamonds.
Jeff’s curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the 5th race.
Jeff raised an eyebrow. I told him that the #5 horse in the 5th race was named “The 5th Element.”
Jeff started grinning. Then I told him point-by-point what I did that entire day.
I ate 5 bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank 5 cups of coffee.
I went for a 5 mile jog to clear my head
I took a 5 minute shower to rinse off
I dressed in the 5th suit I found in my closet
I sat in my car for 5 minutes before starting it
I drove to the racetrack and parked in the 5th stall in the 5th row
I entered through the 5th admissions gate
I bought 5 programs
I went to the 5th betting window and bet $555 on the 5th horse in the 5th race
I went and sat in the 5th row of the bleachers making sure there were 5 people sitting on both sides of me.
I settled in and waited for the race to start.
Well,” said Jeff. “Did your horse win??”
I frowned at Jeff and said, “Stupid horse came in 5th.”
--Viralfunnyjokes: Ray Came Home One Night From A Long Day At Work--
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.' Bob was stunned.
I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past.
'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell, 'BOB, wake up! You've shit the bed!

The Old Man Placed Order For One Hamburger

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously, they were thinking,
‘ That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine – they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said ‘ No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.’
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you are waiting for?’
She answered ‘THE TEETH.’
--A Wife Wanted To Surprise Her Husband--
For Michael’s birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work.
After some careful consideration, she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.
Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work.
He walks through the kitchen, places his lunch box down, and hears his wife say,
“Honey! I’m in the living room.”
Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic.
After a quick peek,
he immediately says, “Leftovers again!”

The Butter – Humor