Grandma funnies

in a court trial in a small town in Nebraska… … the prosecutor called his first witness, an elderly grandma, to the stand. He walked up to her and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know who I am?” She answered, “Of course I know who you are, Mr. Rawley. I’ve known you since you were a little boy, and honestly, you’re a disappointment. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk behind their backs. You think you’re some kind of big shot, but if you had half a brain you’d realize that you’ll never amount to anything but a mediocre pencil-pusher. Oh, I know who you are all right.” The prosecutor had his jaw on the floor. Shocked and looking to deflect the attention, he pointed across the room and asked: “Mrs. Williams… do you know who the defense attorney is?” She replied, “Of course I do. I’ve known Mr. Carbuncle ever since he was a child. He’s a lazy bigot who has a problem with alcohol abuse. He is unable to maintain a normal relation...

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had s'.e.'x together over fifty years ago? "We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." "Yes", she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drop...

Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking. Dorothy: “That nice George Johnston asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.” Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what’s there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!” Dorothy: “Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn’t go?” Edna: “No, no, no … I’m just saying, wear an old dre...

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says “who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them: Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. “Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.” “If a boy is bor...

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!! Everyone was curious and asked her: “why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?” The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: “Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : – “If your mom and I fall into water, whom will you save first?” And because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim!” A few days later husband and wife were quarrelling again and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked: ” now tell me! If your mom and I fall into water, whom will you save first?” Husband replied: “I don’t have to get into the water, my mom knows to swim, she will save you.” Wife refused to relent: “No, you have to jump into the water, and have to save one of us”. Whom will you save ? Husband replied: “Then you will surely die…. because I don’t know to swim …. and my mom will defin...

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, ‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names. The elderly lady hung her head. ‘I have to tell you the truth,’ She said, ‘his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old bastard what his name is.’ --Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel-- Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot." ...

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not b'e'at me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person." The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!" The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" "You don't have any arms either!" she snorted. Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" --Ray the ch...

The step-father who was more of a real parent than her biological father could ever hope to be wrote about his experience in a post on Reddit: ''My step-daughter will be getting married on August 3rd. The wedding planning has consumed most of her and her mother’s life (I say her mother because we aren’t married, though we’ve lived together for 10 years) for the past six months. My step-daughter graduated last December from University. I paid for her to go to college, though it was a state school, it still ran $40K. She does not have a job and has been living with us for the duration of her college career and since her graduation. I also bought her a car to get back and forth from school when she finished high school. From time to time her deadbeat father would pop into her life and she would fawn all over him. Although he has not contributed a cent to her education or paid any child support, though that is my girlfriend’s fault as c.s. was not part of the settlement, she sti...

Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken. When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager, “You've got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don't care where.” “Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.” “No problem,” the tired Marine assured him, “I'll take it.” The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “How did you sleep?” asked the manager. “Never better.” The manager was impressed “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?” “Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine. “How'd you manage that?” asked the manager. “He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” ...

Two women friends met after many years. “Tell me,” said one, “What happened to your son?” “My son? the poor, poor lad!” sighed the other. “What an unfortunate marriage he made to a girl who won’t do a stitch of work in the house. She won’t cook, she won’t sew, she won’t wash or clean. All she does is sleep and loaf and read in bed. The poor boy even has to bring her breakfast in bed, would you believe it?” “That’s really awful!” “And what about your daughter?” “Ah, now she’s the lucky one! She married an angel. He won’t let her do anything in the house. He has servants to do the cooking and sewing and washing and leaning. And each morning he brings her breakfast in bed, would you believe it? All she does is sleep for as long as she wishes and spends the rest of the day relaxing and reading in bed.” --Property ?-- Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be pr...

A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their mothers-in-law to hopefully get to know and understand each other better. Two buses were hired, one for the mothers -in-law and the other for the daughters-in- law. Unfortunately the bus with the mothers-in-law was involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot. The daughters in law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were all puzzled by one sister who wailed uncontrollably for what they perceived to be her loss. Her friend asked her, “Forgive me for asking but why are you crying so hard, I didn’t realize u were so close to your mother-in-law?” To which she replied, “No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!” --A old man and wife have gone to bed -- After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,”Seven Points.” His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?” The old man replied, “It’s fart football!” A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says,...

60th High School Reunion, He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail. This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a fo'u'r's'ome with two other singles . They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him. Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?” After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, “Yes,….. yes I will!” The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes? or did she say No? He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear and t...

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby. He went to his wife and said, “I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered. When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, “Have you been fooling around on me?” His wife confessed, “Not this time.” --There is a girl walking up the stairs-- There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any shorts. He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some inner wear as it is not good to walk around here like this. The girl then goes home and gives the money to her...

Suzy asked her big sister Samantha how babies are made. Samantha explains it to her. “I still don’t get it? Can you show me.” Suzy says. “OK. Tonight, I will let you watch will my boyfriend, Jack and I bang.” That night, Jack laid Samantha 5 times but Suzy still didn’t understand. The next night Jack was tired of Suzy watching so he offered to have lovemaking with her. “OK but I don’t want Samantha to watch” So Samantha went outside. They are in there for almost an hour and when they come out Jack is smiling like crazy. “That was fun but I still don’t get it.” Says Suzy. The next day the same thing happened. And the next day. Finally 2 weeks later Samantha comes home crying. “Whats wrong,” Suzy says. “Jack dumped me. He said there was someone better.” Said Samantha. “Let’s go talk to him maybe we can change his mind,” said Suzy. When they got there Jack said he made up his mind and there was nothing they could do to change it. Then he asked to speak to Suzy private...

A  Woman, who had lately lost her husband, used to go every day to his grave and lament her loss. A Farmer, who was engaged in ploughing not far from the spot, set eyes upon the Woman and desired to have her for his wife: so he left his plough and came and sat by her side, and began to shed tears himself. She asked him why he wept; and he replied, “I have lately lost my wife, who was very dear to me, and tears ease my grief.” “And I,” said she, “have lost my husband.” And so for a while they mourned in silence. Then he said, “Since you and I are in like case, shall we not do well to marry and live together? I shall take the place of your dead husband, and you, that of my dead wife.” The Woman consented to the plan, which indeed seemed reasonable enough: and they dried their tears. Meanwhile, a thief had come and stolen the oxen which the Farmer had left with his plough. On discovering the theft, he beat his breast and loudly bewailed his loss. When the Woman heard his...

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…” The bartender says, “Well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.” As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.” The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming up,” says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.” The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.” “Coming right up,” the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?” The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your ...

Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce. “Why Daddy?” asked a confused Little Johnny. “Well, son” he explained, “Your mother and I are no longer in love.” Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, “What does being in love mean?” “Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door. Your mom and I have lost that love.” “But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home, so she must still be in love with you.” “I don’t understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited when I arrive home from work?” “Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with the neighbor, and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at the top of her lungs, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home --The madam opened the brothel door-- The madam opened the brothel door...

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, had finally retired. At her next checkup, her new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?” “Yes, they help me to sleep at night.” “Mrs Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!” She reached out and patted the young Doctor‘s knee. Yes dear, I know that. “But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year old granddaughter drinks….. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.” --How the Dog fooled a Leopard-- A wealthy man decided to go on safari in Africa. Instead of leaving him with a pet sitter, the man took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachsh...

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?” She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.” To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $300?” --wife arrived home after a long shopping trip-- A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the hou...

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. “Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonde...

I thought love was only true in fairy tales, meant for someone else but not for me But anyway, I joined an online dating site and met a girl. I hadn’t put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that’s okay, because she’d just put a picture of her dog I sent her a message, something almost-clever like, “Your dog can ride in my pickup any time,” and she responded. We hit it off pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day Slowly we learned more about each other Her dog’s name was Daisy My truck’s name was Dodge Ram (I apologized for my lack of creativity) She was a CPA I was a beekeeper. And at this, she stumbled “If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper.” But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot. But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point More personal information What firm she worked for Where my farm was Names ...

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?” The pharmacist answers, “Yes.” Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?” Pharmacist: “Of course we do.” Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?” Pharmacist: “All kinds.” Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?” Pharmacist: “Definitely.” Jacob: “How about V'i'a'gra?” Pharmacist: “Of course.” Jacob: “Medicine for memory?” Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.” Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?” Pharmacist: “Absolutely.” Jacob: “Perfect! We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts.” --How the Dog fooled a Leopard-- A wealthy man decided to go on safari in Africa. Instead of leaving him with a pet sitter, the man took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dach...

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday. The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high. “It’s a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast,” she told the clerk. The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager. The manager showed up and explained that the hotel “has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.” “But I didn’t use them,” the old woman said. “Well, they are here, and you could have,” he replied. The manager proceeded with that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” he said. “But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” sh...

His friends to him at coffee: “We adore your family life, you’ve got a great life with your wife and kids. You don’t make her say things twice. Tell us the secret of this happiness or we’ll consider you as a diffident.” “Well, i can shortly explain. After our wedding, she started riding her horse and so was i. My horse’s feet got caught. she knelt right next to horse and she said “once”. We rode a few metres, then my horse’s feet got caught again. She knelt right next to horse and she said “twice”. A few minutes later it happened again, she knelt right next to horse and she said “third”. Then she shot him in the face. I was shocked. I yelled at her: “Why did you do that, are you out of your mind?” She turned her back and told me “once”. And since that day, i dont make her say things twice -- A mother was teaching his child-- A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol. She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey. ...

Two female co-workers are chatting it up, and they are discussing the boyfriends they’ve had in the last year. One girl says “The last 3 boyfriends I’ve had, I’ve named after soda pops. The first one I called 7 Up, because he had 7 inches and he knew how to keep it up. The second one I called mountain dew, because when it came to mounting he knew what to do. The third I called Jack Daniels. Then the other girl interrupts saying “Hold on a minute. Isn’t Jack Daniels hard liquor ? The girl smiles and says “YES IT IS --Funny Joke : An Italian Girl-- A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport. “Thank you, honey”, she says. “What would you like me to bring back for you?” He laughs and says, “An Italian girl!” When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, “So, honey, how was the trip?” “Very good,” she replies. “And what happened to my present?” “Which present?” she asks. “The one I asked for- an Italian girl!” ...

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?” The old man grinned and said, “You got to keep the old motor running.” The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, “Sir, you are something! How do you manage it?” The old man grinned and said, “You gotta keep the old motor running.” A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said “Well, you surely are something awesome! How do y...