Lawyer asks old lady if she knows who he is

in a court trial in a small town in Nebraska…
… the prosecutor called his first witness, an elderly grandma, to the stand.
He walked up to her and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know who I am?”
She answered, “Of course I know who you are, Mr. Rawley. I’ve known you since you were a little boy, and honestly, you’re a disappointment. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk behind their backs.
You think you’re some kind of big shot, but if you had half a brain you’d realize that you’ll never amount to anything but a mediocre pencil-pusher. Oh, I know who you are all right.”

The prosecutor had his jaw on the floor. Shocked and looking to deflect the attention, he pointed across the room and asked: “Mrs. Williams… do you know who the defense attorney is?”
She replied, “Of course I do. I’ve known Mr. Carbuncle ever since he was a child. He’s a lazy bigot who has a problem with alcohol abuse.
He is unable to maintain a normal relationship with anyone, and is one of the worst lawyers in the county. On top of that, he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of which was your wife. Yes, I know exactly who he is.”
The defense attorney looked like he was about to have a stroke.
The judge ordered the prosecutor and the defense attorney to approach, and whispered to them in a low but frantic voice,
“If any of you brats ask her if she knows who I am, then I’ll put both of you behind bars for life!”
--Funny Joke ‣ Birthday Gift--
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said,
“I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I’m stumped.”
His buddy said, “I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled!”
So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked “Well, did you take my suggestion? How’d it turn out?”
“She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling — I’ll see you in two hours!”

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A husband leans over and asks his wife

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had s'.e.'x together over fifty years ago?
"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
--Lady golfer--
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me.' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right I'll be fine in a few minutes.' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'
He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

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Two Senior Widows

Dorothy and Edna, two “senior” widows, are talking. Dorothy:

“That nice George Johnston asked me out for a date.

I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”

Edna: “Well, I’ll tell you.

He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs. And what’s there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.

Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!”
Dorothy: “Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn’t go?”
Edna: “No, no, no … I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”
-- $200 Just For One Night – Humor--
A guy asked a girl in the library.
“Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl answered with a loud voice.
“I don’t want to spend the night with you.”
All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and told him.
“I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
The guy responded with a loud voice.

“$200 just for one night? That’s too much”
And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the boy whispered in her ears.
I study law and I know how to make someone guilty.”

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What Do You Suggest?

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says “who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:
Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
“Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.”
“If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.”
“If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.”
“However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him,
“You root her again.”
--Three couples marry and stay --
Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.
Dave thinks to himself, “Nurses are known to be hot to trot.”
The second man married a telephone operator.
Dave thinks to himself, “Telephone operators have nice voices.”
The third man married a school teacher.
Dave thinks to himself, “Poor guy, teachers are frigid.”
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse’s husband.
He sourly says, “Don’t ever marry a nurse.
All I heard last night was ‘You’re not sanitary, you’re not sanitary.'”
Then, the telephone operator’s husband calls and sourly says, “Don’t ever marry a telephone operator.

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Funny Joke – old lady

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!! Everyone was curious and asked her: “why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?”

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: “Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : – “If your mom and I fall into water, whom will you save first?”

And because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim!”
A few days later husband and wife were quarrelling again and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked: ” now tell me! If your mom and I fall into water, whom will you save first?”

Husband replied: “I don’t have to get into the water, my mom knows to swim, she will save you.”
Wife refused to relent: “No, you have to jump into the water, and have to save one of us”. Whom will you save ?
Husband replied: “Then you will surely die…. because I don’t know to swim …. and my mom will definitely save me first.”
-- Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking--
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
The passenger screamed, “Look at the window. There’s an old ghost’s face there!”

The driver sped up, but the old man’s face stayed in the window.

The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, “What do you want?”

The old man softly replied, “You got any tobacco?”

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, “Step on it,” to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.

The driver said, “I don’t know what happened, but don’t worry we’re doing 80 now.”

All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

“There he is again,” the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, “Yes?”

“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, “Step on it!”

They were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

“Oh my God! He’s back!” The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, “WHAT NOW?”

The old man gently replied,
“You want some help getting out of the mud?”

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A elderly lady was invited to old friend

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening.

She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say,

‘I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.

The elderly lady hung her head.
‘I have to tell you the truth,’
She said, ‘his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I’m scared to death to ask the cranky old bastard what his name is.’
--Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel--
Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."
The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."
The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"
Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"
Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"

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A Lonely 70-year-old Woman Wan't to Marry Again - Hilarious Story

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not b'e'at me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"
The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"
"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
--Ray the chicken--
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ray.'
Ray was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Ray the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'
'Never,' said Ray.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
"Ray, wake up! You shit the bed!"
Getting OLD just isn’t what they said it would be!. share with friends and family!!!

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the best father

The step-father who was more of a real parent than her biological father could ever hope to be wrote about his experience in a post on Reddit:

''My step-daughter will be getting married on August 3rd. The wedding planning has consumed most of her and her mother’s life (I say her mother because we aren’t married, though we’ve lived together for 10 years) for the past six months.

My step-daughter graduated last December from University. I paid for her to go to college, though it was a state school, it still ran $40K. She does not have a job and has been living with us for the duration of her college career and since her graduation. I also bought her a car to get back and forth from school when she finished high school.

From time to time her deadbeat father would pop into her life and she would fawn all over him. Although he has not contributed a cent to her education or paid any child support, though that is my girlfriend’s fault as c.s. was not part of the settlement, she still loves him and wants him in her life. He stays long enough to break her heart by skipping town and breaking some promise that he made her.

The wedding venue holds 250 people max. I gave them a list of 20 people that I wanted invited, you know, since I was paying for everything. They told me that was no problem and they’d take care of it. So I let these people know they’d be getting an invite and they should save the date. Saturday, I saw one of my friends on this list at the golf course and asked if he was coming. He told me that he wasn’t invited. He told me that he got an announcement, but not an invitation. He had it in his back seat (along with probably six months of mail) and showed it to me. Sure enough, it was just an announcement, and my name was nowhere on it. It had her dad’s name and her mom’s name and not mine.

This led to a pretty big fight with my GF, as I found out that NONE of my list of twenty “made the cut” for the final guest list because “250 people is very tight.” I was pissed, but not a hell of a lot I could do because the important people in my life had already been offended. My GF said “if some people didn’t rsvp yes, I might be able to get a couple people in.” But that is an ultimate slap in the face in my opinion. So, I was boiling on Saturday.

Yesterday, we had a Sunday dinner with the future in-law’s family and us and a surprise guest, the “Real Dad.” At this little dinner my step-daughter announced that her “Real Dad” was going to be able to make it to her wedding and that now he’d be able to give her away. This was greeted with a chorus of “Oh how great” and “How wonderful”s.

I don’t think I have ever felt so angry and so disrespected. I was shaking. I took a few seconds to gather my composure, because I honestly wasn’t sure if I would cry or start throwing punches or both. Once I was sure I’d be able to speak I got up from my chair and said I’d like to make a toast. I can’t remember exactly what I said but the gist of it was this:

“I’d like to make a toast.” The sound of spoons against glasses ring in my years. “It has been my great pleasure to be a part of this family for the past ten years.” Awe, how sweet. “At this point in my life I feel I owe a debt of gratitude to bride and groom, because they have opened my eyes to something very important.” Confident smiles exchanged. “They have showed me that my position in this family is not what I once thought it was.”

And now a glimmer of confusion and shock begins to spread on the faces in the room. “Though I once thought of myself as the patriarch or godfather of the family, commanding great respect and sought out for help in times of need, it seems instead that I hold the position of an ATM, good for a stream of money, but not much else. As I have been replaced as host, both on the invitations and in the ceremony, I am resigning my financial duties as host to my successor, Real Dad. So cheers to the happy couple and the path they have chosen.” I finished my drink. “You all can let yourselves out.”

Is this selfish? I’m supposed to shell out 40 – 50 grand for a wedding that I can’t invite anyone to? That I am not a part of? I’m so done with this crap. I’m done with my step-daughter, I’m done with my GF. I transferred the money out of our joint account last night. (she has not had a job since she moved in with me) This morning I called all the vendors I had written checks to for deposits to refund my money. At present it looks like I’ll lose around 1500, for the venue, but the other vendors have been great about refunding.

TLDR: You want your “REAL DAD” to be on the invitation, to give you away and to sit at the head table, fine, your “REAL DAD” can pay for everything too.''

His story quickly went viral and readers across the globe wanted to know what happened next. The fed-up father returned with an update:
EDIT: The immediate aftermath was tantrum and people sitting there mumbling while not actually saying anything to me, but to each other.

After much yelling with the GF about me being selfish, I spent the night in my home office and no one knocked on my door, not once. Today’s aftermath is kind of depressing for me. GF brought me Bride’s wedding planner to show me how much work I was ruining.

I thumbed through it, found a page in the music section for Father / Daughter dances. All of the songs were catered to Real Dad’s taste. So I thought they were just being disrespectful, but now I’m feeling like they never really gave a crap at all, especially since the menu included two ingredients I’m allergic to, that actually made me laugh.

Either way, I’m glad to be done, returned the planner and asked her when she and bride could move out. Also, I never promised to pay for the wedding. I offered them the use of my home when they were sure it was going to be small, but other than that, all I’ve heard is how it’s the Bride’s family that should pay, so, let it be the bride’s family then, aka, not me.

Girlfriend and Bride are now moved out. They are moving in with the groom. It was very hard not to be petty with some of the “belongings” they took with them, but it’s done and I switched out the locks and now it’s time for a brew.

I can’t believe how popular this story got, but I feel good to be given support by so many. If I find out what happens with the wedding, I will let you know, but I can’t guarantee that I will put in the effort to find out. From what I’ve heard they are trying to “scale things back” and get his parents to help out.

GF burned bridges when I found out she tried to write herself a check on our joint account the day after the unpleasantness. By then I had already moved money, so I guess I’m a bigger ass than her, but I could feel it coming.

That’s all. Thanks.

Do you think he did the right thing? Leave a comment on Facebook and let us know what you think.

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Marine Shares A Room With A Heavy Snorer

Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken.

When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager, “You've got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don't care where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him, “I'll take it.”
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“How did you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”
The manager was impressed
“No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine. “How'd you manage that?” asked the manager.
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained.
“I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,' and after that he sat up all night watching me…”
-- Ray came home one night--
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ray.’
Ray was stunned ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for send me back!’

St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’

Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past ‘so, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’

‘Not bad,’ replied Ray the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m gonna explode!’

‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?’

‘Never,’ said Ray.
‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster It’s no big deal.

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.

He soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.

“Ray, wake up! You shit on the bed!

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Two women friends met after

Two women friends met after many years.

“Tell me,” said one, “What happened to your son?”

“My son? the poor, poor lad!” sighed the other.

“What an unfortunate marriage he made to a girl who won’t do a stitch of work in the house.

She won’t cook, she won’t sew, she won’t wash or clean.

All she does is sleep and loaf and read in bed.

The poor boy even has to bring her breakfast in bed, would you believe it?”

“That’s really awful!”

“And what about your daughter?”

“Ah, now she’s the lucky one! She married an angel.

He won’t let her do anything in the house.
He has servants to do the cooking and sewing and washing and leaning.
And each morning he brings her breakfast in bed, would you believe it?
All she does is sleep for as long as she wishes and spends the rest of the day relaxing and reading in bed.”
--Property ?--
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, “Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”
My daughter “Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end.”
My son, “Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, “Mrs
Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property”.
Sarah replies, “Property ? …
the as... had a paper round.

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A group of young women decided

A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their mothers-in-law to hopefully get to know and understand each other better.

Two buses were hired, one for the mothers -in-law and the other for the daughters-in- law.

Unfortunately the bus with the mothers-in-law was involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot.

The daughters in law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were all puzzled by one sister who wailed uncontrollably for what they perceived to be her loss.

Her friend asked her, “Forgive me for asking but why are you crying so hard, I didn’t realize u were so close to your mother-in-law?”
To which she replied, “No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!”
--A old man and wife have gone to bed --
After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,”Seven Points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?”
The old man replied, “It’s fart football!”
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score!”
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7!”
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score!”
Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14!”
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.
Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, “What the heck was that?”

The old man replied, “Half-time, Switch sides!”

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High School Reunion – Humor

60th High School Reunion, He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a fo'u'r's'ome with two other singles .

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table.

The widow smiling coyly back at him. Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, “Yes,….. yes I will!” The evening ended on a happy note for the widower.

But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes? or did she say No? He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.

He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation , he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn’t remember as well as he used to.

Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her.

“When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes? or did you say No? “Why you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will ! And I meant it with all my heart.” The widower was delighted.
He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued. “And I am so glad you called because I couldn’t remember who asked me!”
--A pregnant woman is --
A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table,
legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”.

The doctor says , “No, I am your doctor!”. With that, the baby pops right back inside. “Damn!”, says the doctor.
A short while later he sees the head push through again. “Are you my dad?”, asks the baby.
“No, I am your doctor.”, he replies. Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother’s womb. The doctor turns to a nurse and says,
“Nurse, get that baby’s father in here right away–we may have a situation on our hands!”. Moments later the baby’s father is in the delivery room, and the baby’s head once again pops out. “Are you my dad?”, the baby asks of the father.

The father replies, “Yes, little baby, I am your father!” The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger–”How do you like that?”

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A middle aged couple decided to try one last time

A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters,

decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.

He went to his wife and said, “I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded,
“Have you been fooling around on me?”
His wife confessed, “Not this time.”
--There is a girl walking up the stairs--
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.
As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any shorts.
He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some inner wear as it is not good to walk around here like this.
The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy inner wear for her When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened.

Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her inner wear, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church

As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs.

The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.

The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly.

The priest then gives the lady $1 and says,

“Take this money and for God’s Sake, buy yourself a razor.

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Suzy asked her big sister

Suzy asked her big sister Samantha how babies are made.

Samantha explains it to her.
“I still don’t get it? Can you show me.”

Suzy says.
“OK. Tonight, I will let you watch will my boyfriend, Jack and I bang.”
That night, Jack laid Samantha 5 times but Suzy still didn’t understand.
The next night Jack was tired of Suzy watching so he offered to have lovemaking with her.
“OK but I don’t want Samantha to watch”
So Samantha went outside.
They are in there for almost an hour and when they come out Jack is smiling like crazy.
“That was fun but I still don’t get it.”
Says Suzy.
The next day the same thing happened.
And the next day.
Finally 2 weeks later Samantha comes home crying.
“Whats wrong,” Suzy says.
“Jack dumped me. He said there was someone better.”
Said Samantha.
“Let’s go talk to him maybe we can change his mind,” said Suzy.
When they got there Jack said he made up his mind and there was nothing they could do to change it.
Then he asked to speak to Suzy privately.
He pulled off all of Suzy’s clothes and started to bang her.
“OK,” Jack said kissing Suzy’s neck “I broke up with Samantha now tell me how you got to be so good in bed.”
“Fine.” She replied, “I asked all my other sisters how babies are made.”
--Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning--
Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning and his dad was making a lot of mistakes.
Suddenly his dad screams ” bitchss and asses!”
Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied ” aunts and uncles” Oh.
Next thing he hears is “dikks and pusiees!” Johnny asks ” what’s that mean?”
To which his dad replied ” uh coats and hats.
“Oh next thing he know he sees his dad jumping around the bathroom yelling ” fukking, fukk, fukk, Fukk”
” what does that mean dad?”
And his dad yells ” cut Johnny, it means cut!!!” Oh.
Next week is Thanks ...
Next week is Thanks giving and the doorbell rings and Johnny answers it and says
” Hey bitchss and asses, hang your dikks and pussiees here, dad’s in the kitchen fukking the turkey.

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The Woman And The Farmer

A Woman, who had lately lost her husband, used to go every day to his grave and lament her loss.

A Farmer, who was engaged in ploughing not far from the spot, set eyes upon the Woman and desired to have her for his wife: so he left his plough and came and sat by her side, and began to shed tears himself.

She asked him why he wept; and he replied, “I have lately lost my wife, who was very dear to me, and tears ease my grief.”

“And I,” said she, “have lost my husband.” And so for a while they mourned in silence.

Then he said, “Since you and I are in like case, shall we not do well to marry and live together? I shall take the place of your dead husband, and you, that of my dead wife.”

The Woman consented to the plan, which indeed seemed reasonable enough: and they dried their tears.

Meanwhile, a thief had come and stolen the oxen which the Farmer had left with his plough.

On discovering the theft, he beat his breast and loudly bewailed his loss.
When the Woman heard his cries, she came and said, “Why, are you weeping still?” To which he replied, “Yes, and I mean it this time.”
--A gorgeous redhead woman--
A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead woman sitting at the next table.
He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.

“Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks.

They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.

She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy was amazed everything had been so incredible!

“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replies “You just happened to catch my eye.”

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80 Year Old Lady Goes For A Birthday Drink

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

“I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today…”

The bartender says,

“Well since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.”

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,

“I would like to buy you a drink, too.”

The old woman says,

“Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.”

“Coming up,” says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,
“I would like to buy you one, too.”
The old woman says,
“Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”

“Coming right up,” the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says,

“Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity, why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”
--A Blonde Got Caught In A Blizzard --
A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad’s advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.

That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her dad’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue following if she wanted but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to the K-mart next.

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Little Johnny was playing in his room

Little Johnny was playing in his room
when his dad walked in and explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce.

“Why Daddy?” asked a confused Little Johnny.

“Well, son” he explained,

“Your mother and I are no longer in love.”

Now more confused, Little Johnny asked,

“What does being in love mean?”

“Let me give you an example, son.

Love is when a husband rushes home from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door.
Your mom and I have lost that love.”
“But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home,
so she must still be in love with you.”
“I don’t understand, son.
When has your mother recently been excited when I arrive home from work?”
“Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with the neighbor, and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at the top of her lungs, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home
--The madam opened the brothel door--
The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

“May I help you sir?” she asked.
The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.

He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

“There are no discounts.
The price is still $10,000.”
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs after an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
--The madam opened the brothel door--
After their session, Valerie said to the man After their session, Valerie said to the man“No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?”
The man replied, “St Louis.”
“Really,” she said.
“I have family in St Louis.”

“I know,” the man said.

“Your sister died, and I am her lawyer.

She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.”

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Funny Joke : Birth Control Pill and Night Sleep

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, had finally retired.
At her next checkup, her new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
“Mrs Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?”
“Yes, they help me to sleep at night.”
“Mrs Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!” She reached out and patted the young Doctor‘s knee.
Yes dear, I know that.
“But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year old granddaughter drinks….. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.”
--How the Dog fooled a Leopard--
A wealthy man decided to go on safari in Africa. Instead of leaving him with a pet sitter, the man took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund was chasing butterflies and before long discovered that he was lost.
After wandering for a bit, the dachshund noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thought, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching leopard.
Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy, that was a delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride and slunk away into the trees. "Whew," thought the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off goes the monkey. But the dachshund noticed the monkey heading after the leopard, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck a deal with the leopard. The leopard was furious at being fooled and said, "Hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

The dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thought, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog crouched down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them yet.
Just when they got close enough to hear him, the dachshund said, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
The leopard ran away.

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A very shy guy

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
“No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says
“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $300?”
--wife arrived home after a long shopping trip--
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.

She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.”
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked,
“Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
“And so, here we are!”

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Womens are impossible

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.

The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch.

As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. “Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

“Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
“Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 – You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
--The pleasure was indescribable!--
During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn’t).
When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!
I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.
The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, “Happy Birthday!”

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Dating profile

I thought love was only true in fairy tales, meant for someone else but not for me But anyway, I joined an online dating site and met a girl.

I hadn’t put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup.

But that’s okay, because she’d just put a picture of her dog
I sent her a message, something almost-clever like, “Your dog can ride in my pickup any time,” and she responded.

We hit it off pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day
Slowly we learned more about each other
Her dog’s name was Daisy
My truck’s name was Dodge Ram (I apologized for my lack of creativity)
She was a CPA
I was a beekeeper.
And at this, she stumbled “If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper.” But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.
But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point
More personal information
What firm she worked for
Where my farm was
Names of relatives
Names of high schools
All the things that just come up in conversation eventually if you talk to someone long enough.
But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures Until one day I got a message from her: “I never thought I’d say this, but I really do want to meet you in person
I think we have a rare connection, and I don’t want to squander it
I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I’m telling you, I can never date a beekeeper.”
I couldn’t imagine a life without my bees
But I also couldn’t imagine a life without her

Tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.
Then I saw her face Now I’m a bee leaver.
--HILARIOUS DIRTY HUSBAND WIFE JOKE OF THE DAY: BEARD LOVE?--
A married man was visiting his “girlfriend”, When she requested that he shave his beard.
“Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.
” James replied, “My wife loves this beard.
I couldn’t
possibly do it. She would kill me!!” “Oh
please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a
sexy little voice… “Really, I can’t,” he
replied. “My wife loves this beard!!” The
girlfriend asked once more, he sighed
and finally gave in. That night James
crawled into bed next to his wife while
she was sleeping. The wife was
awakened, turned toward him, felt his
face and said,
* * * * * *
* * * *
* * *
“Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”

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Wedding Gifts

Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way go past a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.

He addresses the man behind the counter:
“Are you the owner?” The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: “Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about V'i'a'gra?”

Pharmacist: “Of course.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins and sleeping pills?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “Perfect! We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts.”
--How the Dog fooled a Leopard--
A wealthy man decided to go on safari in Africa. Instead of leaving him with a pet sitter, the man took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund was chasing butterflies and before long discovered that he was lost.
After wandering for a bit, the dachshund noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thought, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and

immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching leopard.

Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy, that was a delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride and slunk away into the trees. "Whew," thought the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off goes the monkey. But the dachshund noticed the monkey heading after the leopard, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck a deal with the leopard. The leopard was furious at being fooled and said, "Hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

The dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thought, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog crouched down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them yet.

Just when they got close enough to hear him, the dachshund said, "Where's that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
The leopard ran away.

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A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.
The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

“It’s a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast,” she told the clerk.

The clerk clarified that $250.00 is the standard rate. At that point, the older lady insisted on talking with the manager.
The manager showed up and explained that the hotel “has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.”
“But I didn’t use them,” the old woman said.
“Well, they are here, and you could have,” he replied.

The manager proceeded with that she could likewise have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.

“We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” he said.
“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.

The manager replied, “Well, we have them, and you could have.”

Regardless of what facility he recommended, the older lady would just answer, “But I didn’t use it!”
The manager then countered with his standard reaction. After several minutes of contending with him, she chose to pay.

The manager was shocked when she gave the check to him. “But madam, this check is for only $50.00,” he said.
“That is right. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” the old lady replied.
“But I didn’t!” the manager shouted.
“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
--Blonde And Alligator Shoes--
A young blonde was on vacation in the swamps of Louisiana
She really wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes to bring back for her boyfriend but didn't want to pay the high prices the local stores were charging.

After becoming very frustrated with the local shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

The shopkeeper replied, “Good luck! Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!”

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, and he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, rope in hand
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her
She lunges, wraps herself around the beast and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank Laying nearby were several more alligators all tied up.

Completely amazed, the shopkeeper got out of his car and walked toward the young lady.
Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts up at the shopkeeper, “Ugh! This one isn't wearing shoes either!!”

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Secret Of a Great Marriage

His friends to him at coffee:

“We adore your family life, you’ve got a great life with your wife and kids.

You don’t make her say things twice.
Tell us the secret of this happiness or we’ll consider you as a diffident.”

“Well, i can shortly explain. After our wedding, she started riding her horse and so was i. My horse’s feet got caught. she knelt right next to horse and she said “once”.

We rode a few metres, then my horse’s feet got caught again. She knelt right next to horse and she said “twice”.

A few minutes later it happened again, she knelt right next to horse and she said “third”. Then she shot him in the face. I was shocked.

I yelled at her:
“Why did you do that, are you out of your mind?”

She turned her back and told me “once”.
And since that day, i dont make her say things twice
-- A mother was teaching his child--
A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol.
She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

She says “I want you to see this.” She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.

She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “
what do you have to say about this experiment?”

The child responds by saying: “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!”

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Two female co-workers are chatting it up

Two female co-workers are chatting it up,
and they are discussing the boyfriends they’ve had in the last year.
One girl says “The last 3 boyfriends I’ve had, I’ve named after soda pops.
The first one I called 7 Up, because he had 7 inches and he knew how to keep it up.
The second one I called mountain dew, because when it came to mounting he knew what to do.
The third I called Jack Daniels.
Then the other girl interrupts saying “Hold on a minute.
Isn’t Jack Daniels hard liquor ?
The girl smiles and says “YES IT IS
--Funny Joke : An Italian Girl--
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
“Thank you, honey”, she says.
“What would you like me to bring back for you?”
He laughs and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, “So, honey, how was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies.
“And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” she asks.
“The one I asked for- an Italian girl!”
“Oh, that,” she says. “Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl.”

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The marriage of an 80 year old man

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town.

After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said,

“This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”

The old man grinned and said, “You got to keep the old motor running.”

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child.

The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, “Sir, you are something! How do you manage it?”

The old man grinned and said, “You gotta keep the old motor running.”

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery,
she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said
“Well, you surely are something awesome! How do you do it?”

The old man replied, “It’s like I’ve told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.”
The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said:
“Well, I guess it’s time to change the oil. This one is black
--Funny Joke : Farmer A Old Lady--
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’
The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would Walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’
The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’ ‘Why, thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says, ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’ The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’
The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’
The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.’

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