A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.
He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather,
“Are these plates clean?”
His grandfather replied,
“Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal”.
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so he asks again,
“Are you sure these plates are clean”?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather sais,
“I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t ask me about it anymore!”
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town.
As he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass so he said,
“Grandfather, your dog won’t let me out”.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted,
“Cold Water, Go lay down!”
--Nervous new priest tried a risky remedy to soothe his nerves, but the consequences are hilarious--
After the mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
Next Sunday the new priest decided to take the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning, he felt nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon returning to his office, he found a note on the door that said :
– Sip on the vodka, don’t gulp.
– There are 10 commandments, not 12.
– There are 12 disciples, not 10.
– Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
– Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not “bet his a.;ss.”
– We do not refer to Jesus Christ as “the late J.C.”
– We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
– The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are not referred to as “daddy, junior and the spook.”
– David slew Goliath, he did not “kick the crap out of him.”
– When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, we do not say that he was “stoned off his as::s.”
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