Grandma funnies

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn’t). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the co...

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. “Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?” His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned.” The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. “Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?” “Don’t tell your father, but, yes, I would.” He then goes to his sister’s room. “Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?” She replies, “Omigod! Definitely!” The kid goes back to his father. “Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts.” --A small guy goes into an elevator-- A small guy goes into ...

Mummy.” Asks Susie. “Why do you always cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.” “Granny.” Ask Susie the next time her grandmother visited. “Why do you and Mummy cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?” “Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it.” Says Susie’s granny. “You’ll have to ask her.” “Great Granny.” Asked Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile great grandmother at the nursing home. “Why do you and Granny and Mummy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the pan?” “Oh, for bang sake.” Says Great Granny. “Are they still using that small pan?” --A Couple, Both Age 78, Went To A Se//x Therapist's Office.-- A couple, both age 78, went to a s:ex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?” The man said, “Will you watch us have sex?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the cou...

After going through the line at a crowded mall cafeteria, The three rambunctious teenage boys found they were forced to share a table with a kindly looking old lady. One of the lads decided to have a bit of fun at the woman’s expense and, nudging one of his buddies under the table, suddenly remarked, “Nope,” replied his tablemate, picking up the put on. “How about you?” “They never bothered,” answered the first young man. “That’s nothing,” interrupted the third, “my mother doesn’t even know who my father is.” The elderly woman looked up from her coffee and said sweetly. “Excuse me, but would one of you little b@stards please pass the sugar?” --A Small Tourist Hotel Was All Abuzz About An Afternoon Wedding-- A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and be...

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson. My dear grandson, Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you. I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: “Honk if you love God!” I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car. When I went away, I was in the rush hour. Almost 100 degrees outside. I was at a very busy crossroads, with lots of traffic. I stopped there, as the traffic light was red, and I decided to thank God for everything he gave me. Although I didn’t realize that the traffic light had turned green, I found out that there were a lot of people who loved God because they began to honk… It was wonderful! The man in the car behind me was, for sure, very religious, as he was honking repeatedly and shouting “For the love of God!”. Just like him, a lot of people began to honk as well. I happily smiled and waved, with my hand out of the car window. I also noticed that a guy behind me was waving in a ve...

It was high time that Paddy got married. So, his parents called a marriage broker in Dublin and ask him to find a good wife for their son: The broker comes over to their house and spends a long time asking questions about Paddy and his parents as to what they want in a wife/daughter-in-law. They give him a long list of requirements. The marriage broker takes a long time looking here, there and everywhere and finally visits the family again with a prospective bride proposal. He then tells them of a wonderful woman he has found. He says: “She’s just the right age for your son. She keeps a neat home, she is a good Catholic and knows the prayers by heart. She is a wonderful cook, she loves children, wants a large family and to crown it all, she’s gorgeous.” After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future. But Paddy still has some lingering doubts and asks casually: “Is she also good in bed?” The...

A man had a habit of taking off for the local tavern every time after supper where he used to spend the whole evening and would arrive back home very drunk at around midnight. After arriving he always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole to open the door. As a result, his wife would wait up for him so she could open up the door for him when he gets home. After opening the door for him, she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behaviour and how distraught it made her feel. After a moment of listening her friend she then said, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.” The wife thought that might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arri...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. In honor of this holy season, Saint Peter said, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven. The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, They’re bells. Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, And just what do those symbolize? The man replied, They’re Carols. --The Dog Could Hardly Hear-- The lady found out that the Dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, So she took it to the Veterinarian. The Vet found that the problem was Hair in the Dog’s Ears. He c...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?” The girl, crying, replied: “Dad… I became a pro s /tit /ute.” Ye what!? Get out a here, ye sha/mel/ess har lot! Sin ner! “You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.” “OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.” “What was it ye said ye had become?” says Dad. Girl, crying again: “A prost!tute, Daddy!.” Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death,...

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles." --An 80-Year-Old Gentleman, Retired To Florida-- Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman,...

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, “Pardon me, ma’am, but may I sit here with you?” The silver-haired Marcie looked up to see a distinguished-looking, white-haired gentleman and replied, “Why certainly,” and moved over gently to give him room to sit down. For the next two hours, the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long, happy marriages, ha lost their spouses during the previous year, and in general, agreed about almost everything. Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked ...

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time. Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing, I said. Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was “only thinking of me” and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club. She replied, “Are you nuts? you are 73 years old, and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?” I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her. She immediately telephoned me, “Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.” Oh man, I’m in trouble again; I really don’t know what to do… I signed up for five jumps a week.” The line went quiet and her friend picked ...

A third-grade teacher asked her class “what is a grandparent?” The 8-year-old students took no time to respond with some of the most heartwarming and hilarious answers we’ve ever read. Children really have a magnificent view of the world! 1- Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people. 2- A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady. 3- Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old, they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money. 4- When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. 5- They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn’t step on “cracks”. 6- They don’t say, “Hurry up.” 7- Usually, grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. 8- They wear glasses and funny underwear. 9- They can take their teeth and gums out. 10- Grand...

A Mother -in -Law decides to test her three Son- in-laws for their good nature. For this she goes for a walk by a river with the first son-in-law; jumps in. He saves her. Next morning he finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with a note: From your Mother In Law. Next she goes for a walk by the river with the second son-in-law who jumps in. He too saves her. The next morning he also finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with a note: From your Mother In Law. Next, she goes for a walk by a river with the third son-in-law jumps in. He just laughs and walks away. Next morning he finds a BMW M5 parked outside his house with note: From your Father In Law! --A Crows Were Found On The Side Of A Motorway-- About a year ago, 100 dead crows were found on the side of a motorway. Upon investigation, The crows were found to have been hit by vehicles and were covered in specs of varying paint. After further investigation, it was also found that the paint on the crows...

Johnny wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can’t remember anything he did last night. He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on. He notices there’s something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks to himself, “Uh oh. What happened last night?” He walks towards the bathroom and finds a pair of knickers in the other pocket of his gown. Again he thinks, “What happened last night. What have I done? It must have been a wild party,” making his best attempt to conclude and accept the evidence. He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is “If there’s a God, please let this be a tea bag.” --The Farmer’s Kids Are Painting Eggs-- Some farmer’s kids are painting eggs for Easter. One looks up and says, “Hey, how do you think the chickens would act around these?” I don’t know,” says the other. “Let’s find out!” They go into th...

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims, "I want to join your biker club".... The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her, "You have a bike"....? The little old lady says, "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.... The biker asks her "Do you smoke"...? The little old lady says, "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool"..... The biker is impressed and asks, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz".....? --A Little Boy Said To A Little Girl-- The little old lady says, "No, never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a f...

The pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten. That’s what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went ‘boing!’ and the kitten instantly sailed through the air – out of sight. The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighbourhood asking people if they’d seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, ‘Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,’ and went on about his business. A few days later he was at the grocery store and met on...

A father before he died said to his son: “This is a rugby ball your grandfather gave me, and it’s more than a century old.  But before I give it to you, go to the Sports Shop and tell him I want to sell it, and see how much he offers you.“ He went, and then came back to his father, and said, “The Sports Shop offered $5 because it’s old.“ He said to him: “Go to the Second-Hand shop.“ He went and then came back, and said: “They also offered $5 father.“ “OK now go to the museum and show them that ball.“ He went then came back, and said to his father “They offered me $500,000 for this old leather ball.“ The father said: “I wanted to let you know that the right place values you in the right way.” “Don’t find yourself in the wrong place and get angry if you’re not valued. Those that know your value are those who appreciate you, don’t stay in a place where nobody sees your value.“ --A grandfather and his grandson are collecting worms in the backyard-- A grandfather and h...

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.  After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" Long The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror. A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. "There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and sh...

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked. "No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?” Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city. Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son." "Well, obviously!" She gasped. "What do you mean?" "It was your idea in the first place! You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him. I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred." - -A grandfather asks his grandchild to bring him the blue pill and he would put 50€ in his wallet-- The grandchild after searching for that blue pill in the whole neighborhood, finally ...

Grandma is seeing that her grandchild, a young woman, is getting ready to go out, dressing up nicely and being all nervous. So she asked her grandchild about her plans. "Why, I am going out on my first date with a handsome young fella, Grandma! I am so excited!" The Grandma raised her eyebrows, shook her head and said with a concerned voice: "My child, watch yourself – all men are the same! He will take you out for drinks, he will give you sweet compliments, touch your hand, caress your hair and buy you another drink. Then he'll bring you to his place, just for a coffee and to listen to music, so he'll say – yet he'll give you another drink, blow softly in your ear, tug at your dress strap and before you know you'll be undressed – he'll jump you and dishonor your entire family!" "Oh Grandma, don't be so dramatic!" the young woman exclaimed, and off she went. The next day, the young woman went to find her Grandma excitedly. ...

Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.  We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. < br> The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ...

 A young couple moved into a new house.  The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the washing outside.   “That laundry is not very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly.   Perhaps she needs better soap powder.   Her husband looked on, remaining silent.   Every time her neighbor hung her washing out to dry, the young woman made the same comments.   A month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, “Look, she’s finally learned how to wash correctly.   I wonder who taught her this?” The husband replied, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”   And so it is with life… What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look. So don’t be too quick to judge others, especially if your perspective of life is clouded by anger, jealousy, negativity or unfulfilled d...

   The 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o’clock, with her hair fashionably coiffed and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.  Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.  After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, She smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As she manoeuvred her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window.  “I love it,” she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.  “Mrs Jones, you haven’t seen the room …. just  wait.”  “That doesn’t have anything to do with it,” she replied. “Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.   Whether I like my room or not doesn’t depend on how the furniture is arranged,...

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a "toy". Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter with her "toy". To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.' A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living...