Grandma funnies

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn’t).

When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.

He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump!

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.

The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable!

Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, “Happy Birthday!”
--CATHOLIC SHAMPOO--
TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE.

AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."

"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR NUNNERY, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO".

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.

HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID:

"THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE."

A kid comes home from school

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment.

He asks his father for help.

“Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?”

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, “I’ll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars.

Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then come back and tell me what you’ve learned.”

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother.

“Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?”

“Don’t tell your father, but, yes, I would.”

He then goes to his sister’s room.

“Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?” She replies, “Omigod! Definitely!”

The kid goes back to his father.

“Dad, I think I’ve figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts.”
--A small guy goes into an elevator--
A small guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him.

The big guy looks down on the small white guy and says, “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown.”

The small guy faints!

The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him.

He asks the small guy, “What’s wrong?”

The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”

The big guy looks down and says “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch weapon, three- pound left ball, three-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Thank God, I thought you said, “Turn around.”

Susie Asks Her Mummy

Mummy.” Asks Susie.

“Why do you always cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”

“Granny.” Ask Susie the next time her grandmother visited.

“Why do you and Mummy cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?”

“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it.” Says Susie’s granny.

“You’ll have to ask her.”

“Great Granny.” Asked Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile great grandmother at the nursing home.

“Why do you and Granny and Mummy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the pan?”

“Oh, for bang sake.” Says Great Granny.

“Are they still using that small pan?”
--A Couple, Both Age 78, Went To A Se//x Therapist's Office.--
A couple, both age 78, went to a s:ex therapist’s office.

The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sex?”

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have sex,” and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

“We’re not trying to find out anything,” the husband replied.

She’s married and we can’t go to her house.

I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare.

Three-Boys Shared A Table With Old Lady.

After going through the line at a crowded mall cafeteria,

The three rambunctious teenage boys found they were forced to share a table with a kindly looking old lady.

One of the lads decided to have a bit of fun at the woman’s expense and, nudging one of his buddies under the table, suddenly remarked,

“Nope,” replied his tablemate, picking up the put on.

“How about you?”

“They never bothered,” answered the first young man.

“That’s nothing,” interrupted the third,

“my mother doesn’t even know who my father is.”

The elderly woman looked up from her coffee and said sweetly.

“Excuse me, but would one of you little b@stards please pass the sugar?”
--A Small Tourist Hotel Was All Abuzz About An Afternoon Wedding--
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the bannister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned,

“Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,

“Ohhh my God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!”

A Letter An 83-Year-Old Lady Wrote To Her Grandson

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson.

My dear grandson,

Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you.

I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: “Honk if you love God!”

I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car.

When I went away, I was in the rush hour. Almost 100 degrees outside. I was at a very busy crossroads, with lots of traffic.

I stopped there, as the traffic light was red, and I decided to thank God for everything he gave me.

Although I didn’t realize that the traffic light had turned green, I found out that there were a lot of people who loved God because they began to honk… It was wonderful!

The man in the car behind me was, for sure, very religious, as he was honking repeatedly and shouting “For the love of God!”.

Just like him, a lot of people began to honk as well. I happily smiled and waved, with my hand out of the car window.

I also noticed that a guy behind me was waving in a very special way, pointing his middle finger at me.

I asked your cousin Alex, who was with me, what that gesture meant.

He told me it was a “Hawaiian salutation”, to wish him good luck!

So I began to greet everyone the same way.

Alex was laughing a lot, probably because of the marvellous religious experience he was going through.

Two men got out of their car and walked toward ours. I believe they wanted to pray with me, or perhaps they wanted to know what church I go to. But then I realized that the traffic light was green!
I greeted my brothers and sisters with my Hawaiian salutation and moved forward.

However, I also noticed that my car was the only one that moved, as the light turned red after that.

I felt bad for leaving my beloved brothers and sisters behind after we shared so much love. I stopped, got out of the car, and did my Hawaiian salutation for the last time.

Don’t forget to thank God from the bottom of your heart when you go through something wonderful, such as this marvellous experience I had with all these men and women.

Sincerely,
Your grandmother.
-- The Essex Girl Went To The Clinic--
The Essex girl went to the clinic with her newborn for the first time.

A rather posh looking lady sat by her side:

After a while the lady introduced herself, telling the girl that this was her third child and she was to be called Samantha, Amanda, Fawcett.

The girl smiled politely and said.

“That’s nice innit.”

The woman carried on.

“For my first child, my husband gave me a diamond necklace as a gift for being so clever.”

To which the girl replied. “That’s nice innit?”

“And for my second child, he gave me a fur coat.”

The girl nodded politely,

“That’s very nice, innit?”

The posh lady was well into her stride now.

“For this child, he’s taking me on a cruise.”

The Essex girl smiled again,

“That’s nice innit?”

The posh lady said.
“And has your husband given YOU something for the birth?”

“Oh yes.” The girl said. “He bought me some elocution lessons.”

“Oh and have you learned anything from them?”

“Certainly.” The Essex girl said.

“I’ve learned to say ‘That’s nice innit’, instead of f**k off.”

Paddy Got Married

It was high time that Paddy got married.

So, his parents called a marriage broker in Dublin and ask him to find a good wife for their son:

The broker comes over to their house and spends a long time asking questions about Paddy and his parents as to what they want in a wife/daughter-in-law.

They give him a long list of requirements.

The marriage broker takes a long time looking here, there and everywhere and finally visits the family again with a prospective bride proposal.

He then tells them of a wonderful woman he has found.

He says:

“She’s just the right age for your son. She keeps a neat home, she is a good Catholic and knows the prayers by heart.
She is a wonderful cook, she loves children, wants a large family and to crown it all, she’s gorgeous.”

After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.

But Paddy still has some lingering doubts and asks casually:

“Is she also good in bed?”

The marriage broker answers:

“Well, some say yes and some say no.”
--A King Who Wanted To Go Fishing--
Once upon a time, there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way, he met a farmer on his donkey.

Upon seeing the king the farmer said,

“Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.

The king was polite and considerate, he replied:
“I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional.
Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.”
So, he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.

The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!

Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”

So, the king hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring a$ses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions … And the practice is unbroken to this date…

The Baby Pigeon Complained To His Mother

A man had a habit of taking off for the local tavern every time after supper where he used to spend the whole evening and would arrive back home very drunk at around midnight.

After arriving he always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole to open the door.

As a result, his wife would wait up for him so she could open up the door for him when he gets home.

After opening the door for him, she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behaviour and how distraught it made her feel.

After a moment of listening her friend she then said,

“Why don’t you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.”

The wife thought that might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again, after dinner.

And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door and quickly went to open it for him and let Harry in.

As advised by her friend, this time instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room.

She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off.

Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.

After a little while, she said to him,

“It’s pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?”

Upon hearing that, the guy replied in his inebriated state,

“Yes, why not dear? You’re a lifesaver. If I go home now, I’ll get into a hell of trouble with my stupid wife waiting for me there!”
-- --
The baby pigeon complained to his mother before flying a long distance,

‘I can’t make it, I’ll get too tired.’

His mother replied,

‘Don’t worry, I’ll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine.’

The baby started to cry.

‘What’s wrong?’ asked the mother sympathetically.

‘I don’t want to end up being pigeon towed.’

Three Men Died On Christmas Eve

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

In honor of this holy season, Saint Peter said, you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, They’re bells.

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, And just what do those symbolize?

The man replied, They’re Carols.
--The Dog Could Hardly Hear--
The lady found out that the Dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear,

So she took it to the Veterinarian.

The Vet found that the problem was Hair in the Dog’s Ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the Dog could then hear fine.

The Vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the Dog’s Ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some “Nair” hair remover.

At the register, the Pharmacist told her,

“If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”

*Andrea said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”

The Pharmacist said,

“If you’re using it on your legs, don’t use Body Lotion for a couple of days.”

Andrea replied,

“I’m not using it on my Legs either”.

If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”

The Pharmacist said,

“Well, stay off your Bicycle for at least a week”.

An Irish Daughter Returned Home After 5 Years

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

Where have ye been all this time, child?

Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn’t ye call?

Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?”

The girl, crying, replied:

“Dad… I became a pro s /tit /ute.”

Ye what!? Get out a here, ye sha/mel/ess har lot! Sin ner!

“You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”

“OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate.

For me little brother, this gold Rolex.

And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.”

“What was it ye said ye had become?” says Dad.

Girl, crying again:

“A prost!tute, Daddy!.”

Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Prot::es::tant!

Come here and give yer old Dad a hug
-- A man and his wife went to the zoo.--
They found a Monkey who was passionately playing with his female.

His wife said to him,

“What a romantic animal.”

Then, they found a Lion and his Lioness separated from each other; the silent Lion sat alone in his corner as if the Lioness doesn’t exist.

His wife said to him,

“What a sad scene without love.”

Her husband then said to her,

“Throw that stone at the Lioness and watch.”

When she threw the stone at the Lioness, the Lion roared to defend his Lioness, then she was asked to repeat it with the Monkey, the Monkey then jumped up and climbed the tree and abandoned his female to save his own skin.

Her husband then told her,

“Do not be deceived by what you see as romance in outward show, oftentimes, it is a deceptive appearance just to hide an empty heart; there are others on the contrary who are relaxed, but their hearts are full of sincere love.”

THE HORSE RIDE

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
--An 80-Year-Old Gentleman, Retired To Florida--
Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away.

He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench.

Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously,

“Pardon me, ma’am, but may I sit here with you?”

The silver-haired Marcie looked up to see a distinguished-looking, white-haired gentleman and replied,

“Why certainly,” and moved over gently to give him room to sit down.

For the next two hours, the two sat and talked about everything.

They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long, happy marriages, ha lost their spouses during the previous year, and in general, agreed about almost everything.

Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, “Ma’am, may I ask you two questions?”

With great interest and anticipation, Marcie replied, “Why certainly!”

The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her.

He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes.

“Marcie, I know we’ve only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?”

Marcie grabbed at Jimmie’s hands and said,
“Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!”

She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek.

Then Marcie said, “You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?”

Jimmie scratched his neck and said,

“Will you help me get up?”

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away.

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away.

He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench.

Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously,

“Pardon me, ma’am, but may I sit here with you?”

The silver-haired Marcie looked up to see a distinguished-looking, white-haired gentleman and replied,
“Why certainly,” and moved over gently to give him room to sit down.

For the next two hours, the two sat and talked about everything.

They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long, happy marriages, ha lost their spouses during the previous year, and in general, agreed about almost everything.
Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly,
“Ma’am, may I ask you two questions?”
With great interest and anticipation, Marcie replied, “Why certainly!”

The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her.

He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes.

“Marcie, I know we’ve only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common.
I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?”

Marcie grabbed at Jimmie’s hands and said,
“Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!”

She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek.
Then Marcie said, “You said you had two questions to ask me.What is the second question?”
Jimmie scratched his neck and said,
“Will you help me get up?”

A Daughter Wanted To Control Her Old Fathers Life

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing, I said.

Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was “only thinking of me” and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, “Are you nuts? you are 73 years old, and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me, “Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”

Oh man, I’m in trouble again; I really don’t know what to do… I signed up for five jumps a week.”

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
--An Elderly Man With A Winking Problem--
An elderly man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says,

“This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought.

However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry…. we can’t hire you.”
“But wait,” the elderly man says.

“If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!”

“Really? Great! Show me now!”
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of c0ndoms: red c0ndoms, blue c0nd0ms, ribbed c0ndoms, flavoured c0ndoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.

He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
“Well,” said the interviewer,
“that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!”

“Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!”
“Well then, how do you explain all these c0ndoms?”
“Oh, that,” he sighed.
“Have you ever walked into a chemist, winking, and asked for aspirin?”

The 8-year-Old Student Describes What Is Grandparent

A third-grade teacher asked her class “what is a grandparent?”

The 8-year-old students took no time to respond with some of the most heartwarming and hilarious answers we’ve ever read.

Children really have a magnificent view of the world!

1- Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people.

2- A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady.

3- Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old, they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

4- When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

5- They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn’t step on “cracks”.

6- They don’t say, “Hurry up.”

7- Usually, grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

8- They wear glasses and funny underwear.

9- They can take their teeth and gums out.

10- Grandparents don’t have to be smart.

11- They have to answer questions like “Why isn’t God married?” and “How come dogs chase cats?”

12- When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.

13- Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

14- They know we should have a snack time before bedtime, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.

15- Grandpa is the smartest man on earth. He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him.

16- It’s funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

17- Grandma, she lives at the airport, and when we want her we just go and get her. Then when she’s done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.
--A Guy Walks Into A Bar With His Dog--
A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says, I’ll have a Scotch and water and my dog would like a whiskey sour.

The bartender says,

“Sorry, we don’t allow animals in here.”

The dog replies,

“Hey, I’m tired of being discriminated against. Just give me a drink.”

The bartender says, “Oh, no, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!”

“No, no, no, this isn’t a trick, I promise you,” says the man,

“I tell you what, I’ll go for a walk around the block and you talk to Rover here.”

The man leaves and the bartender sees him turn the corner.

“Now, can I have my drink.” says the dog.

The bartender is amazed.

“Sure you can and it’s on the house! Listen, can you do me a favor? My wife works next door at the cafe.
It’ll make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here’s ten bucks and you can keep the change afterwards.”

“Okay.” says the dog and he takes the ten dollars and leaves.

Ten minutes go by and the dog doesn’t come back.

The owner returns and asks where is the dog.

So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog.

As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and cafe.

The owner shouts, “

Rover! What are you doing! You’ve never done this before!” The dog shrugged.
“Hell, I’ve never had any money before.”

A Mother-in-Law Decides To Test Her Three Son-In-Laws

A Mother -in -Law decides to test her three Son- in-laws for their good nature.

For this she goes for a walk by a river with the first son-in-law; jumps in.

He saves her.

Next morning he finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with a note: From your Mother In Law.

Next she goes for a walk by the river with the second son-in-law who jumps in.

He too saves her.

The next morning he also finds a Toyota Corolla parked outside his house with a note: From your Mother In Law.

Next, she goes for a walk by a river with the third son-in-law jumps in. He just laughs and walks away.

Next morning he finds a BMW M5 parked outside his house with note:

From your Father In Law!

--A Crows Were Found On The Side Of A Motorway--
About a year ago, 100 dead crows were found on the side of a motorway.

Upon investigation, The crows were found to have been hit by vehicles and were covered in specs of varying paint.

After further investigation, it was also found that the paint on the crows had two different types, one from trucks and one from cars. 98% of the crows had been killed by trucks.

The researchers were baffled as to why such a large number of the crows had been killed by trucks.

After much deliberation, the researchers came to a conclusion.

When crows are feeding on roadkill, they will always have one crow on the lookout for any danger.

When they spot danger, they will shout “CAH! CAH!”.

Unfortunately, crows can’t say “Truck”.

Johnny wakes up in the morning

Johnny wakes up in the morning.
He has a massive hangover and can’t remember anything he did last night.

He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on. He notices there’s something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra.

He thinks to himself,

“Uh oh. What happened last night?”

He walks towards the bathroom and finds a pair of knickers in the other pocket of his gown.

Again he thinks,

“What happened last night. What have I done? It must have been a wild party,” making his best attempt to conclude and accept the evidence.

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror.

He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is “If there’s a God, please let this be a tea bag.”

--The Farmer’s Kids Are Painting Eggs--

Some farmer’s kids are painting eggs for Easter.

One looks up and says,

“Hey, how do you think the chickens would act around these?”

I don’t know,” says the other.

“Let’s find out!”

They go into the chicken coop, steal the fresh eggs and replace them with the colourful eggs.

The kids step out and watch.

The hens come in and nothing, they go about their business.

The rooster struts in sees the eggs and has a fit.

He bursts out of the coop, storms across the farmyard, and beats the hell out of the peacock.

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door.

She proclaims, "I want to join your biker club"....

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her, "You have a bike"....?

The little old lady says, "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway....

The biker asks her "Do you smoke"...?

The little old lady says, "Yea, I smoke.

I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool".....

The biker is impressed and asks, "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz".....?

--A Little Boy Said To A Little Girl--
The little old lady says, "No, never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times"......!!!

A little boy said to a little girl:
– I’m your BF !

The little girl asked:

– What is BF ?
The boy laughed and answered:
– That means Best Friend.
They later dated, the young man said to the girl:
– I am your BF !
The girl leaned lightly on the boy’s shoulder, shyly asked:
– What is BF ?
The boy replied:
– It’s Boy Friend !
A few years later they got married, had lovely children, and the husband smiled again and told his wife: – I am your BF !
The wife gently asked her husband:
– What is BF ?
The husband looked at the lovely and happy children and replied:
– It’s Baby’s father !
As they get old, they sit together and watch the sunset on the front porch, and the old man tells his wife:
– Honey ! I am your BF !
The old woman smiled with wrinkles on her face:
– What is BF ?
The old man smiled happily and gave a mysterious answer:
– Be Forever !
When the dying old man also said: – I am your BF.
The old woman replied with a sad voice: – What is BF ??
The old man answered and then closed his eyes:
– It’s Bye Forever !
A few days later, the old woman also passed away. Before closing her eyes, the old woman whispered by the old man’s grave:

The pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down.

The pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down.

The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down.

The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That’s what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car.

He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.

But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went ‘boing!’ and the kitten instantly sailed through the air – out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible.

He walked all over the neighbourhood asking people if they’d seen a little kitten.

No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten.

So he prayed, ‘Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,’ and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store and met one of his church members.

He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.

This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?’ She replied, ‘You won’t believe this,’ and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.

Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl,

‘Well, if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.’

She told the pastor, ‘I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat.
And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes:

A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.’
Moral of the story:

Never underestimate the power of God and His unique sense of humour.

A Father Before He Died Said To His Son

A father before he died said to his son:

“This is a rugby ball your grandfather gave me, and it’s more than a century old.

But before I give it to you, go to the Sports Shop and tell him I want to sell it, and see how much he offers you.“

He went, and then came back to his father, and said,

“The Sports Shop offered $5 because it’s old.“

He said to him:

“Go to the Second-Hand shop.“

He went and then came back, and said:

“They also offered $5 father.“

“OK now go to the museum and show them that ball.“

He went then came back, and said to his father

“They offered me $500,000 for this old leather ball.“

The father said:

“I wanted to let you know that the right place values you in the right way.”

“Don’t find yourself in the wrong place and get angry if you’re not valued. Those that know your value are those who appreciate you, don’t stay in a place where nobody sees your value.“

--A grandfather and his grandson are collecting worms in the backyard--

A grandfather and his grandson are collecting worms in the backyard,

theyre getting ready for a fishing trip. At some point the grandfather looks down at his grandchild and says

"I bet you 10$ that you can't put one of those worms back into one of those holes"

The grandson accepts the challenge, runs into the house then comes back out with a can of hairspray. He then douses one of the worms with the hairspray until it becomes stiff and rigid then pops it back into the hole.

The grandfather grabs the spray and runs I to the house, 20 minutes later he returns outside with two 10$ bills.

"I thought the bet was for 10$" say the grand kid

"Yes the other 10$ is from your grandma".

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.

After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"
Long

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry we're doing 80 now."

All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. "There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were flooring it and going about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?" The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

--A Husband and Wife Talking--

WIFE: Darling why are you home this early wearing such a Long face?

HUSBAND: Had a terríble day, I lost all my colleagues today at work.

WIFE: Bloód of Jesus! What háppened?

HUSBAND: There was a Fíre óut break dówn the tunnel and everybody died!

WIFE: What a píty! Darling, I thank God for keeping You Alíve.🙏 How did you make it out my dear?

HUSBAND: Dárling, it was God’s Wórk. My stómach was upsétting me so, I took a bréak to eáse myself in the toílet.

WIFE: Darling, thank God you are alive. What would have happened to us??!!😢; I feel so much píty for their families, how are they going to survive now?

HUSBAND: My dear it’s a píty, but the UNITED NATIONS has decided to give the families of the deceased $10 million each.

WIFE: What? !!!! Ten míllion what? Chai!! Honey, you didn’t do well oo, why are you always ábsent when God wants to bléss us?

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked.

Fred came home from University in tears. "Mum, am I adopted?" he asked.

"No of course not," replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?”

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. "Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and... and... I don't know how to say this... he may not be our son."

"Well, obviously!"

She gasped. "What do you mean?"

"It was your idea in the first place! You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on. And you asked me to change him. I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred."

--A grandfather asks his grandchild to bring him the blue pill and he would put 50€ in his wallet--

The grandchild after searching for that blue pill in the whole neighborhood, finally finds it and gives it to his grandfather

Next morning he wakes up and finds 350€ in his wallet instead of 50€

Being confused about that goes to his grandfather and explains him what happened

Then his grandfather tells him "I put only 50€...

...The rest 300€ were put by your grandma"

All men are the same!

Grandma is seeing that her grandchild, a young woman, is getting ready to go out, dressing up nicely and being all nervous.
So she asked her grandchild about her plans.

"Why, I am going out on my first date with a handsome young fella, Grandma! I am so excited!"

The Grandma raised her eyebrows, shook her head and said with a concerned voice: "My child, watch yourself – all men are the same! He will take you out for drinks, he will give you sweet compliments, touch your hand, caress your hair and buy you another drink. Then he'll bring you to his place, just for a coffee and to listen to music, so he'll say – yet he'll give you another drink, blow softly in your ear, tug at your dress strap and before you know you'll be undressed – he'll jump you and dishonor your entire family!"

"Oh Grandma, don't be so dramatic!" the young woman exclaimed, and off she went.

The next day, the young woman went to find her Grandma excitedly. "Grandma! Grandma, you were right, all men are the same!"

"Oh no dear, what happened?!" the Grandma exclaimed.

The young woman went "Oh Grandma, it was like you said – He took me out for drinks, he gave me the sweetest compliments, touched my hand, caressed my hair and bought me another drink.
Then he brought me to his place, just for a coffee and to listen to music, or so he said – yet he gave me another drink, blew softly in my ear, tugged at my dress strap and before I knew I was undressed."

The Grandma gasped.

"But Grandma, don't worry, because right then – I jumped on HIM and dishonored HIS entire family!"

-- Timothy was visiting his grandparents --
for the weekend. He had just turned 3 years old, and his parents was happy to get a weekend off. His grandparents was very religious people, and did not take care for foul language. Grandma Betty Lou and her friends, Gabby, Millie and Martha had taken Timothy to the playground. Timothy was sliding, swinging ang enjoying himself. Granny Betty Lou was proudly showing off her grandson to her friends, when Timothy suddenly shouted "Grandmother, I need to take a piss!". Betty Lou hurried over to Timothy, as fast as her arthritis-ridden legs could carry her, afraid she would have to sit alone at church, having a grandchild with such foul language. "Oh, Timothy" She said. "Don't speak like that!".
"But I really have to piss, grandma!" Timothy replied. Betty Lou patted Timothy on the head and said "If you have you pee, just say you have to whistle, and I'll take you to the toilet, dear". Gladly it seemed like Gabby, Millie and Martha didn't catch Timothy's rude outburst. They went to the toilet and Betty Lou's perfect grandson-image was saved.

Later that same evening, Timothy was neatly tucked in. Grandpa Harry and Grandmother Betty Lou had been watching TV and Betty Lou was completely knocked out after running after Timothy all day in the park.

"Grandma!" Timmy shouted. Betty Lou was fast asleep, so grandpa Harry went to check what he wanted. Grandpa Harry went into the guest room where little Timothy was sleeping.

"Grandpa. I need to whistle". Harry looked a little confused at Timothy and said "No, it's time to sleep now, Timmy. We can whistle tomorrow if you want". "Oh, but I really need to whistle!".
Grandpa Harry was firmer in his tone "Timmy, you can't whistle now, grandma is sleeping. You'll wake her". But Timothy was very persistent and kept on begging Harry. He sat down on the edge of the bed and said, "Ok, Timothy, whistle quietly into my ear then"...

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well, son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.

Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. < br>
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

"Good, son," says the father, "tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep shit."

-- Dorothy and Edna, two old age “senior” widows, are talking--
Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date,… I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”

Edna:
“Well, I’ll tell you,… what happened last week, He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what’s there but a luxury car… a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner… a marvellous dinner… lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show.
Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and made love his way with me two times!”
Dorothy: “Goodness gracious!… so you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?”

Edna: “No, no, no… I’m just saying, wear an old dress.”

A young couple moved into a new house

A young couple moved into a new house.

The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the washing outside.

“That laundry is not very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly.

Perhaps she needs better soap powder.

Her husband looked on, remaining silent.

Every time her neighbor hung her washing out to dry, the young woman made the same comments.

A month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, “Look, she’s finally learned how to wash correctly.

I wonder who taught her this?” The husband replied, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”

And so it is with life… What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look. So don’t be too quick to judge others, especially if your perspective of life is clouded by anger, jealousy, negativity or unfulfilled desires. “Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are.”

--I Have Arrived --

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeraL He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message... she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife Subject: I’ve Arrived I know you’re surprised to hear from me.

They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S.

Sure is freaking hot down here.

The 92-Year-Old, Petite, Well-Poised.